Girlfriend's sexual past tearing me apart

[tbrant19]

Hey, I'm new to this forum and discovered it only on account of a problem I'm having:

 

I'm 19 years old going on 20 and am currently am in the midst of the first real relationship of my life. I say REAL relationship because, before I met my girlfriend, I was emotionally involved with another girl whom I had spent my childhood with. For some reason (or mistake) or another, me and this girl drifted apart. This really tore me apart and I missed many opportunities throughout high school at dating because 1) I always though that somehow I would end up with this girl and 2) I gradually became extremely insecure when I began to realize that I might not.

 

Fast forward a year or two: the girl I am currently with I have been with about a year and things are going great. I love her very much and if ending up with your childhood best friend is the number one relationship clique than meeting someone with the same birthday and beginning your relationship with them on Valentine's Day is definitely number two. Her mom worked in the same building as me and she had, apparently, had eyes for me for as long as I was there but I was too caught up in my own **** to see it so she, nor I, made a move (at least for some time). During at which she had been with four other guys (including a good friend of mine at the time who told me many a details about their so-called "relationship"). When we finally did get around to our first date, I can't say I didn't know what to expect: she was all over me! and when I say that I mean that I can say that my first fondling of a girl came before (albeit immediately before) my first real kiss. After she suggested we leave the movies and we went out to the car, I put distance between us and we ended up really hitting it off (as in talking lol) on the ride back. We had a couple more dates which consisted of everything between talking, a romantic walk, playing like kids, to feeling each other up. During these first few dates we talked about our pasts. I asked how many people she had been with and she said four (including my friend that I told her I knew everything about). Feeling a little inexperienced in comparison, I bent my story a little and said I had been with my previous so-called "girlfriend" when I was in fact a virgin in every sense of the word (no real sex acts). We planned a "date" (I say it like that cause it was pretty obvious what was gonna happen) and I lost my virginity. It started out really awkward but, as it turns out, I gave her her first orgasm and felt pretty damn good about that! lol Looking back, the fact that she had been with other guys before me DID bother me back then (being someone who had always imagined losing my virginity to a virgin i.e. my childhood friend) but I pushed it out of my mind amid the honeymoon phase of our relationship (during at which I learned the names and a couple other details)

 

She lost her virginity in the same place as she took mine. She was 15 and he was about 20. She was swimming in the lake with her friend (my co-worker at the time) and two guys came canoeing up from the lake. After talking to them for a day, one of the guys and her friend went off to presumably have sex. During at which he pulled her close and just did it and she didn't stop him. She was dating someone else at the time (who she was with a couple times before telling him she had cheated on him). After they broke it off, she began the thing with my friend. After that ended she dated another guy for a week or two before sleeping with him in the back of his car. She had spent most of her childhood and her teenage years (up until we started dating) playing the "flirty" girl that guys would always push around and take advantage of. Her first long term boyfriend cheated on her all the time and she (despite knowing it) did nothing about it. She tells me now that the reason she eventually slept with all these guys is because she thought she had to get them to stay with her (and in the case of the first one she just couldn't say no). This (and the way she acted at the beginning of our relationship) makes me think that she was just really insecure about herself and her body.

 

At the beginning of our relationship, I had pushed all of this to the back of my mind. I was just happy to have lost my virginity, of starting to move on from the other girl, and the whole "giving her her first orgasm thing" didn't hurt. As the honeymoon phase wore off, I told her I loved her (in hindsight I'm not so sure I meant it but I do now), and we began to spend a lot of time together her past has begun to prey on my mind more and more. Sometimes, when I'm with her, I am able to push it to the back of my mind. However, during the free moments which I have to ruminate, it has really started to affect my well being. I love my girlfriend very much. Other than her mom she tells me that I'm the only one she can truly be herself around and I can truly say the same thing to her. Sometimes when we're together, I feel like I can just let loose and remove all the filters that adult life demands. We chase each other, climb up slides, tickle each other like we're elementary kids in a schoolyard. I haven't been able to do that since, well, with the first girl. She has so far supported and reassured me in everything that I do or plan to do and I have pushed her to be herself too. Not to mention that we have an AMAZING sexual relationship. I could see myself spending my life with this girl.

 

The more I have fallen in love with her, however, the more I have begun to obsess over these other guys. Every little thing is starting to trigger these thoughts. The worst is when the images start to pop into my head. I imagine a guy stripping her down in his car, her riding my friend in his van and making those porn star moans that she had done with me, that fat slug that was her first sexual boyfriend on top of her, and worst of all that college guy that pulled her close and took her virginity under the lake without as much as shooting her a ****ing text the next day. It's disgusting . Sometimes I spend sleepless nights thinking about how I could kill them (with the possible exception of my old friend). I imagine grabbing them by the throat and throwing to ground and stepping on their testicles until they beg for mercy and then just keep pushing. It's ****ed up I know. I keep trying to tell myself that it's all in the past, that thinking about it now will only poison the future. But no well worded clique is gonna help. I just can't help feeling that she will never truly be "mine". If I had just lost mine with the other girl when I had the chance and if she had lost it with someone who actually gave a damn about her and we still ended up together then I don't think it would bother me half as much. It's that she can say that I belong to her in that way and I can't; that that special awkward, new, and innocent first sexual experience between two kids is now, and will always be, impossible for me. I'm afraid that if I can't separate my feelings about her with my feelings about her past then our relationship is doomed. I have tried talking to her about this but I just end up getting really pissed and she ends up crying and I hate seeing her like that. I don't know what to do. Sleep with some random girl to "balance it out" so to speak (with her pass), find and beat the **** out of one or all of them, report to the police the first guy like her mom should of done in the ****ing first place, or just distract the hell out of myself until the thoughts fade away (and if i did that how would I know that they wouldn't come back?)? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Sorry for the length, just took a lot of explanation

Edited February 17, 2012 by tbrant19

[darkmoon]

but it's you she's with + big benefits your share great sex and her mom's approval, let her past go, now she's met you i bet she regrets it

 

or stress out and lose her - risk heads-up > good love (her replacement) can be hard to find

Edited February 17, 2012 by darkmoon

[veggirl]

Retroactive jealousy, OP. There are TONS of threads on it on LS, if you do some digging you can probably find loads of advice. People will probably pop in here just to tell you to "get over it"

[denise_xo]

That last paragraph was a bit alarming, really.

 

Yes, look up those threads on retroactive jealousy. If you can't get over it, let her go so she can be with someone who accepts and appreciates her.

[kwayne]

My bf had somewhat of the same problem. (me being very experienced and him not so much) I've done worse than your girlfriend, a lot worse and when my bf accepted knowing all of my mistaken past, I felt so good that he still wanted me.

 

If she's being honest with you, she trusts you. That's much MORE important to a girl then who we've had sex with. I know it's hard to forget details you've heard, but what you should think about is that she's choosing you as the last man she sleeps with and you always save the best for last.

 

Good Luck

[Say]

[ThatDudeXO]

I used to be really jealous about my ex gf's past. There's nothing to do to change it. You either love her enough to stop worrying about it or leave her. Your decision.

 

To be honest, it's far better to have a girl who has a had sex with a few other people before you. 4 is just about right, almost the same as my ex. I know for a fact sex with a virgin is much worse than sex with a girl with a past. Your sex life with this girl is much better than it would have been if she hadn't had a few guys before you.

 

What you have to understand is that girls feel the need to growing up early, which is why it seems to me most girls lose their virginities before most guys. (Atleast that's the idea I get)

 

What you have to (which is what I did) is to make sure I was by far the best she'd ever had, so she never had to think about her exes. It gives you a sense of pride knowing you are the best she's ever had.

 

From what I see, you are the best she's ever had. So keep it that way and make her happy.

[ThatDudeXO]

I'm too lazy to read it all.

 

Most guys don't forget even the most fleeting remarks you make about your past partners...if they say they do, they are lying.

 

This is true. Still to this day my ex's FFM threesome still haunts me. It's better to never find out and find some you really care about. What helped me is to get up to a few naughty things so I could kind of match my girlfriend's escapades (Insecure, I know but it helped, no cheating though!)

[norajane]

I just can't help feeling that she will never truly be "mine".

 

She wouldn't have been "yours" even if she had been a virgin with you. We never "OWN" anybody. It's her body, her life, her choice. She's CHOOSING to be with you. That's all you, or anybody, ever gets.

[tbrant19]

 

lmao! haha, that kinda puts things perspective a little but my problem isn't necessarily that she did anything with any one she was actually in a relationship with its that she gave herself up for them and they treated her like **** for it (i.e. they dumped her the instant the sexual novelty wore off).

[Badsingularity]

You should have never asked her details about her past with other guys.

 

There is not much you can do about it now other than try to get over it and focus on the present.

 

In the future, never ask the girl you're with details about her past with other men. If she starts talking about it, tell her you would rather not know and that all you care about is right now with her.

 

Also, I agree with other posters that you should look at some of the old threads on this topic. You should find plenty of advice in them that will help you.

[tbrant19]

She wouldn't have been "yours" even if she had been a virgin with you. We never "OWN" anybody. It's her body, her life, her choice. She's CHOOSING to be with you. That's all you, or anybody, ever gets.

 

The very idea of a monogamous relationship has some degree of possession involved in it or else we'd all be perfectly fine with our significant other going out and sleeping with every opportunity that came along. In the right context, I think a small dose of jealousy is healthy. It reminds us that they could CHOOSE to be with someone else if they really wanted to but that they love us enough to not do that. The problem with me case, however, is obvious: neither she nor I can control now what we did or didn't do in the past and we can't reverse our choices. I understand all of this from a rational stand point and, believe me, I would let it go if I could. But, unfortunately, emotions don't let you pick and choose where to put them.

[norajane]

I understand all of this from a rational stand point and, believe me, I would let it go if I could. But, unfortunately, emotions don't let you pick and choose where to put them.

Maybe you should start considering it from an irrational perspective, then. Where are all these emotions coming from? They're getting worse and worse, the more you fall in love with her. So start thinking about what emotions your relationship is tapping into otherwise (completely outside her sexual history).

 

Is there some kind of underlying fear or insecurity (or hurt, anger, vulnerability, etc.) that would be triggered by your falling deeply in love with her (or anyone else)? Maybe that fear or insecurity is simply manifesting itself as jealousy about her past in a subconscious effort to create distance between you. Maybe you are still disappointed and angry that you and your ex never had sex, and if you end up with your gf, you and your ex never will. Maybe you are afraid of not being good enough for your gf, so you blame it on her past sexual partners. Maybe you are afraid you will miss out on sex with other people, so you are self-sabotaging this relationship so you won't have to give that up yet. Lots of maybes and possibilities to consider. Only you will know what resonates.

 

Look underneath the obvious surface connections. This is triggering something very deep in you. It's about you, not her past.

Edited February 18, 2012 by norajane

[delmo]

I dated a girl who had a much more 'liberal' past than I did. Before we met at 23, I had slept with 3.5 people (the .5 was as you can imagine wasn't the whole hog) and she had been with three times that number.

 

When we met, she came across as a sweet/innocent type and I was really shocked at the number of people she had been with. It took me some weeks to get my head around it but I did and it didn't play a major issue in the rest of our relationship. The only thing I can really say is, if she had many sexual partners before you, it was before your time and there's nothing you can do about.

Hope you are feeling better.

[g450]

For some of us its not so much the numbers that bothers us it's what they did, who they did it with etc.

 

Things like screwing married men, having sex with more than one man at a time, giving blowjobs in the parking lot of the club etc. Crap like that really bothers me and still does but I try to not think about it. I think I prefer not to know but if my girl had a threesome with two guys hanging around at our wedding reception, I sure as hell would like the courtesy of knowing beforehand. I personally told my Fiancee that one boundry I have is that I did not want anybody she ever had sex with at our wedding etc. I think thats fair and respectful.

 

Then there is the whole "you did this XXX for that guy but you wont do it with me WTF?" thing. I went through that with my Fiancee as well as with my first wife and I could just not understand their logic there.

 

In the end it depends on how much you love the girl. My Fiancee was at least honest about things and I appreciated her for that. It does still bother me when I think about it but I try not to. And if I do, I hide it and try to deal with it on a mature level.

[tbrant19]

Maybe you should start considering it from an irrational perspective, then. Where are all these emotions coming from? They're getting worse and worse, the more you fall in love with her. So start thinking about what emotions your relationship is tapping into otherwise (completely outside her sexual history).

 

Is there some kind of underlying fear or insecurity (or hurt, anger, vulnerability, etc.) that would be triggered by your falling deeply in love with her (or anyone else)? Maybe that fear or insecurity is simply manifesting itself as jealousy about her past in a subconscious effort to create distance between you. Maybe you are still disappointed and angry that you and your ex never had sex, and if you end up with your gf, you and your ex never will. Maybe you are afraid of not being good enough for your gf, so you blame it on her past sexual partners. Maybe you are afraid you will miss out on sex with other people, so you are self-sabotaging this relationship so you won't have to give that up yet. Lots of maybes and possibilities to consider. Only you will know what resonates.

 

Look underneath the obvious surface connections. This is triggering something very deep in you. It's about you, not her past.

 

 

I'm deeply disappointed because I feel like I missed out on a special experience; one that I would of remembered fondly my entire life (i.e. that first awkward, innocent, and intimate sexual experience between two people who care deeply for each other.) When I talked to her about what she had thought about how she would lose her virginity she originally said that she had imagined an intimate encounter with someone she loved like I described above (candles and all lol), but after a while she began to see it in what she described as "like a stupid meaningless piece of paper". Well many people see a photograph as a stupid piece of paper while for others that piece of paper holds great meaning and fond memories. My point is that good or bad, this experience stays in the psyche of people their entire lives like the birth of a child or the death of a friend. And why shouldn't it? In many ways it is an introduction to a new phase of life. I just feel kind of cheated that it wasn't a shard experience between me and her and that now it is impossible for it to ever be.

[Desensitized]

I'm deeply disappointed because I feel like I missed out on a special experience; one that I would of remembered fondly my entire life (i.e. that first awkward, innocent, and intimate sexual experience between two people who care deeply for each other.) When I talked to her about what she had thought about how she would lose her virginity she originally said that she had imagined an intimate encounter with someone she loved like I described above (candles and all lol), but after a while she began to see it in what she described as "like a stupid meaningless piece of paper". Well many people see a photograph as a stupid piece of paper while for others that piece of paper holds great meaning and fond memories. My point is that good or bad, this experience stays in the psyche of people their entire lives like the birth of a child or the death of a friend. And why shouldn't it? In many ways it is an introduction to a new phase of life. I just feel kind of cheated that it wasn't a shard experience between me and her and that now it is impossible for it to ever be.

Brother, I feel you on that. I proposed to my first true love knowing that I wasn't going to be able to get over her sexual history. But hey, I know that you truly do love your girlfriend if you are going through the same thing I went through. Any other girl I have been with that has slept with a bunch of guys never really bothered me, it was only the girl that I loved more than life itself when "the thoughts" really started to creep inside my mind.

 

Like you, I tried talking to my fiancee at the time about the thoughts I was experiencing. It was futile, it would only lead to her feeling like a whore and a slut, and she would start crying. Made me feel bad every time and my intent was never to make her feel bad about what she did, just to try and understand WHY she did what she did. She slept with 30+ guys before I was with her, and that ate at me every day until I eventually became a monster. Things didn't end well. We are no longer friends (even though I think about her at least once a day) and sometimes I wish we never dated so that way, she would still be in my life.

 

She changed me for the better, and she is the reason I am doing well academically, and why I have such high aspirations that I am striving towards. But please, if it's bothering you to the point where you are thinking about killing these guys, I highly doubt you are going to get over it. In which I would advise you to break up with your girlfriend on a good note, and let her remember you as you were: the nice guy, and not the worst boyfriend she's ever had. Trust me, I'm pretty sure my ex-fiancee hates my guts. I was once the guy she loved more than everything (she was willing to spend her life with me).

[make me believe]

I'm deeply disappointed because I feel like I missed out on a special experience; one that I would of remembered fondly my entire life (i.e. that first awkward, innocent, and intimate sexual experience between two people who care deeply for each other.) When I talked to her about what she had thought about how she would lose her virginity she originally said that she had imagined an intimate encounter with someone she loved like I described above (candles and all lol), but after a while she began to see it in what she described as "like a stupid meaningless piece of paper". Well many people see a photograph as a stupid piece of paper while for others that piece of paper holds great meaning and fond memories. My point is that good or bad, this experience stays in the psyche of people their entire lives like the birth of a child or the death of a friend. And why shouldn't it? In many ways it is an introduction to a new phase of life. I just feel kind of cheated that it wasn't a shard experience between me and her and that now it is impossible for it to ever be.

 

Um, I don't know ANYBODY who's first sexual experience was like you described. Hell, I lost my virginity to another virgin and it STILL wasn't like you think the ideal experience should be! Look, you weren't forced into having sex with this girl. You chose your experience, so now you need to quit fantasizing and romanticising how it could have been "better." Very few people have "perfect" first sexual encounters, and you're spending waaayyy too much time thinking about something that probably wouldn't have happened that way even if you were with another virgin. And you are essentially blaming your gf for 'robbing' you of an experience that you seem to think you have some innate right to. But again, you CHOSE TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. If losing your virginity in a certain way was so important to you, then you have no one but YOURSELF to blame for doing it differently.

 

Also, I don't know anybody who places the same importance on losing their virginity as the birth of a child or the death of a friend. Honestly, all of this stuff you're saying is the voice of inexperience and youth. Within a couple of years you'll have had much more experience, slept with a couple more girls, and you'll look back on all of this and laugh at how immature you were. I promise. The ONLY people who place this much importance on virginity, having "perfect" experiences, etc, are people who have very little experience in the first place.

[tbrant19]

Um, I don't know ANYBODY who's first sexual experience was like you described. Hell, I lost my virginity to another virgin and it STILL wasn't like you think the ideal experience should be! Look, you weren't forced into having sex with this girl. You chose your experience, so now you need to quit fantasizing and romanticising how it could have been "better." Very few people have "perfect" first sexual encounters, and you're spending waaayyy too much time thinking about something that probably wouldn't have happened that way even if you were with another virgin. And you are essentially blaming your gf for 'robbing' you of an experience that you seem to think you have some innate right to. But again, you CHOSE TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. If losing your virginity in a certain way was so important to you, then you have no one but YOURSELF to blame for doing it differently.

 

Also, I don't know anybody who places the same importance on losing their virginity as the birth of a child or the death of a friend. Honestly, all of this stuff you're saying is the voice of inexperience and youth. Within a couple of years you'll have had much more experience, slept with a couple more girls, and you'll look back on all of this and laugh at how immature you were. I promise. The ONLY people who place this much importance on virginity, having "perfect" experiences, etc, are people who have very little experience in the first place.

 

I didn't and don't want perfection, I just wanted to feel like I experianced it WITH her and not FROM her. Perhaps I am placing to much importance in comparing it to birth and death, however, it IS a milestone in life and should be treated as such. I don't blame her for my past apathy (I have little respect for how she behaved though I suppose I can understand why she behaved that way). I didn't CHOOSE my experiance, I settled for it. I missed my opportunity with the other girl and felt like I was falling behind and I think the only reason people would discount their early experiances after having more experiance is to make up for the original disappoitment (Freudian psychology 101). You are very lucky my friend, because you caught Moby Dick (no pun intended) before he disappeared and you felt the need to chase what can no longer be found.

[tbrant19]

Brother, I feel you on that. I proposed to my first true love knowing that I wasn't going to be able to get over her sexual history. But hey, I know that you truly do love your girlfriend if you are going through the same thing I went through. Any other girl I have been with that has slept with a bunch of guys never really bothered me, it was only the girl that I loved more than life itself when "the thoughts" really started to creep inside my mind.

 

Like you, I tried talking to my fiancee at the time about the thoughts I was experiencing. It was futile, it would only lead to her feeling like a whore and a slut, and she would start crying. Made me feel bad every time and my intent was never to make her feel bad about what she did, just to try and understand WHY she did what she did. She slept with 30+ guys before I was with her, and that ate at me every day until I eventually became a monster. Things didn't end well. We are no longer friends (even though I think about her at least once a day) and sometimes I wish we never dated so that way, she would still be in my life.

 

She changed me for the better, and she is the reason I am doing well academically, and why I have such high aspirations that I am striving towards. But please, if it's bothering you to the point where you are thinking about killing these guys, I highly doubt you are going to get over it. In which I would advise you to break up with your girlfriend on a good note, and let her remember you as you were: the nice guy, and not the worst boyfriend she's ever had. Trust me, I'm pretty sure my ex-fiancee hates my guts. I was once the guy she loved more than everything (she was willing to spend her life with me).

 

I'm sorry to hear that and could definetely understand becoming a monster over this. I've thought about breaking up with her (or at least taking a break) but I don't think that would solve the problem. On her side, I'd rather her remember me as the worst boyfriend she's ever had than remember the relationship fondly and be guity of what caused it to end. On my side, who's to say I won't have similar issues with the next relationship? I think the only solution is to try to promote within myself an outlook that focuses completely on making present experiance even better so that (hopefully) I can eventually be able to reconcile it with past experiance. After all, it did lead me here right?

[tbrant19]

Thank you all for your thoughts and experiances with the subject. Just writing all this down has been extremely helpful.

[tbrant19]

On the positive side as women get older most learned from past experiences. My girl doesn't bring up any specifics about her past relationships because she is considerate of my feelings. However, she's also probably experienced stuff being thrown back at her from other partners. Things women say early in a relationship can be like fuel on a fire later on.

 

Absolutely, I wish I had never asked though that wouldn't of helped me knowing everything about what my friend told me before I started dating her.

[denise_xo]

I didn't and don't want perfection, I just wanted to feel like I experianced it WITH her and not FROM her. Perhaps I am placing to much importance in comparing it to birth and death, however, it IS a milestone in life and should be treated as such. I don't blame her for my past apathy (I have little respect for how she behaved though I suppose I can understand why she behaved that way). I didn't CHOOSE my experiance, I settled for it. I missed my opportunity with the other girl and felt like I was falling behind and I think the only reason people would discount their early experiances after having more experiance is to make up for the original disappoitment (Freudian psychology 101). You are very lucky my friend, because you caught Moby Dick (no pun intended) before he disappeared and you felt the need to chase what can no longer be found.

 

Well, it is a milestone for you. For a lot of people it isn't, particularly in a long term perspective, and I disagree with you that it should be. It is for you, fine. But don't tell others how they should feel about it. You do seem to have an overly romanticised picture of this in your head, which I don't think corresponds to a lot of people's actual experiences.

 

I basically think the two of you are incompatible. You want a virgin who will live up to your dream of a that special moment where you lose your virginity to each other. Your current gf can't provide you with that. You want her to be something that she is not. It seems that this fact outweighs her other positive qualities, and since that is the case I think you should let her go and move on.

[tbrant19]

Well, it is a milestone for you. For a lot of people it isn't, particularly in a long term perspective, and I disagree with you that it should be. It is for you, fine. But don't tell others how they should feel about it. You do seem to have an overly romanticised picture of this in your head, which I don't think corresponds to a lot of people's actual experiences.

 

I basically think the two of you are incompatible. You want a virgin who will live up to your dream of a that special moment where you lose your virginity to each other. Your current gf can't provide you with that. You want her to be something that she is not. It seems that this fact outweighs her other positive qualities, and since that is the case I think you should let her go and move on.

 

Whether one thinks it's a milestone or not, it does effect (consciously or other wise) how you view sexuality in general. The way she lost hers and the subsequent "relationships" afterwards is a testament to that fact. I'm not saying that you have to let it define all your subsequent sexual experiences after that but that the very fact that it provides your initial definition makes it a milestone. The initial "newness" you get wears off very quickly as it does for say your first job or the birth of your first child so I don't think having a overtly romanticized picture of that is a bad thing. Learning from the disparity between ideals and reality is all part of life. As for me, it is already too late to experience that special moment and I would rather put my effort towards accepting that fact than try to chase it with someone else. We may, in the end, be incompatible but if so than I intend to let it show in the present and not the past.

[denise_xo]

Whether one thinks it's a milestone or not, it does effect (consciously or other wise) how you view sexuality in general.

 

Can you explain this? I read the rest of your post, but I didn't understand what you mean.