Does he still lover her? Or is it just jealousy?

[lynnedays]

Here is my problem:

 

I've been dating a guy for almost 2 years now. I"m 22 years old. He was my first...almost everything. Strangely, and off topic, most of his girlfriends have all been virgins. So even that is not a "new" thing to him.

 

I'm confused because I can't shake the thoughts in my head that tell me he still loves his ex girlfriend. They dated almost all through high school and only broke up because he cheated on her. He was so devastated by his own actions, losing her, the pain he caused her, that he swore to himself he would never ever cause someone such pain again. He actually hadn't dated sense that breakup again TILL ME (almost two years later).

 

I realize that after being with someone so long, he will always care for her and have regrets...I can understand that... however I often get this feeling he compares me to her and I"m not living up to it. He likes dark hair (she had dark hair) and here I am a blonde. He likes short hair (she had short hair) and I cut mine on his suggestion. She baked cookies for his family and such homemaker things...and that's not me...but I did it on his suggestion. She was very girly, I'm not. He told me he thought she was the one. From what he tells me they were both way too dependent on each other--in an unhealthy way. I think in some ways he still longs for that dependence.

 

I've seen pictures of them together, they have tons. He still has albums of pictures of them together. Me and him have very few. We got in a fight before and he admitted he loved her in a different way then he loved me. A stronger way... but that the love he has for me is much more "healthy". We also both during these type of honest-fests have admitted neither of us feels liek the other one is "the one". Perhaps I can't feel he's the one... because I'm stuck thinking he'll always love her more... and I"m unwilling to open my heart anymore. I dont' know. But part of me longs for someone to love me as passionately as he loved her...

 

For the good side of this, we get along great, he treats me very well, the only real problem is my insecurity about this issue. My friends tell me how lucky I am. He's honest, monogamous, cuddly, and talks about hte future...

 

What should I do here? Is this just jealousy or should I take a break? I can't get past this. My heart breaks over it--- I can't even stand to listen to love songs half the time.

 

Thanks.

[Tony T]

So why are you bringing this up after two years of seeing him??? You should have split long before now. Didn't anybody ever tell you that the guy you're with is supposed to make you feel you are the most special lady in the entire world?

 

If your guy wasn't still in love with his ex, he would have gotten rid of most of those pictures. The fact that they aren't stored away somewhere says a lot about the connection he still has with her. That you have to constantly compare yourself with his ex is also bizarre beyond imagination. You can't compete with her...you are so different...so don't even try.

 

If you can't get him off the ex kick and get to a point where you feel your guy's full focus is on you, you're going to have to split and go find someone who will do that for you. It's a waste of time to be with some jerk who's stuck on somebody else in the past.

 

It's also GOT to hurt you that he doesn't want pictures with you to the extent that he had pictures taken with his ex. That sux bigtime. There are just so many things here to bring you down and not make you feel really wonderful....why are you still around?

 

You've also got to get off this kick of comparing yourself to his ex. And if he EVER does it, give him a very hard kick in the ass for ME. That is emotional abuse and you shouldn't put up with it for a minute.

 

Oh, yes, you say there are nice things about him too. But you cannot love someone who doesn't make you feel you are the sole focus of his romantic attention and who doesn't make you feel you are the most special lady in his life. He would go a long way to doing that by burning all those pictures of his ex and just forgetting about her...but it doesn't sound like he's nearly ready yet. Maybe he never will be.

 

Do something about this soon!!!

[lynnedays]

Hi... thanks for the help.

 

I guess the reason I keep hanging around is because on an everyday basis he treats me great, is very affectionate and doting. Which is why I keep struggling with this issue of... is it in my head? Does he still love her or am I just passively jealous. Do i have something great and I'm just letting my own insecurities get in my way? Because it would be something great if I felt like I wasn't second best and I didn't secretly think if he had to do it all over again he would choose not breaking up with her vs. ever having me in his life. (This kind of thought can really rip your heart out everytime you think it)

 

I guess I'm questioning myself and my own perceptions cause I'm a biased party.

 

The pictures he has of her are in photo albums that I really hadn't ever seen until recently when he was showing me pictures of his family and past. He used to have a picture of her on his wall at his home bedroom (most of the year we are away at college) of them from prom. He took it down after I saw it late one night and left upset (we had been dating for almost a year then... and I was struggling with the same insecurity about this ex that I am now). He said he had simply forgotten it was even up there because he's at school most of the time now. I believed him.

 

I do want to say that he doesn't directly compare us. (Aka "My ex was way better at..."). I just pick up the hints I guess or am sensitive to his comments about her. The only time he really does mention her is if he's talking about his past or mentioning things his family used to like that she did ("Why don't you try baking cookies... my ex used to and my family adored her..." or "I guess i'm just used to someone who dresses more girly") Maybe I would almost prefer if he did just directly say it because then I wouldn't wonder if he is comparing us or not....or if it's just in my head.

 

I have talked to him before about my feelings... I told him I do not feel special, even my virginity wasn't special... I"m not his first virgin, his first love, or even his strongest love. He is all this for me...perhaps it just feels unbalanced?

 

I guess I have this longing to be someones strongest love, or etc. and I'm wondering if he's just settling cause he lost the girl he really truly loved.

 

Or am I just jealous... and this is a common insecurity..

[Gray]

Hmm sitcky wicket ya got there.

 

Tonys right in the sense that if he's directly comparing you to her, thats weird beyond belief. He really shouldn't be mentioning her at all, besides the story telling aspect, "one day so-and-so and i were going out to cause trouble, this is when i and <ex> were going out."

 

So he took your virginity? I know that always creates clinginess, and i think feelings of jealousy. I was very jealous of my first's ex's. I was always upset when she mentioned him, or i dunno whatever kind of comparisons she made or i made up, i got jealous about it. Now that I've moved beyond my first, I really don't care much. My girlfriend talks about her ex's sometimes, usually to make fun, but sometimes just talking about them. And it really doesn't get to me anymore. She's with me, and i know she's with me 100%, without those previous guys, maybe we wouldn't have found each other.

 

But I digress... his comment about different loves is weird man! I would never mention anything about any kind of previous love to my current girlfriend, no one wants to hear that. I don't even wanna hear that. I think the only time i have is when she asked "Did you love them?" <which by the way is just asking for trouble> to which i responded "I thought i did, but now i know better." Any guy, with any sense, would be able to come up with a line like that, the fact that he didn't is kinda weird.

 

The pictures I'm iffy about. I have lots of pictures from previous relationships I keep them hidden away tho, prolly to be disposed of when i get married. Maybe she liked taking pictures and thats why he has so many of her and not you, buuuuut i think i'm just making excuses here, it seems like something is up. But then again the prom thing... that is possible to have forgotten about especially if its on one of those corkboard things with like a million other pics.

 

Have you ever just confronted him straight up about it? And does he talk about her a lot?

[lynnedays]

I have talked to him about it before. He denies that he's still in love with her, says he'll always care, but that part of his life is over and he loves me. It sounds wonderful... but for some reason I can't get myself to believe it.

 

I think what makes this sticky is we knew each other through mutual friends, but really got to know each other on aol AIM (a big college thing now because of constant internet connection and it becomes an answering machine of sorts). He told me all about his ex then, their past, his feelings, their dependency on each other, what happened, etc. back then.

 

When we actually began hanging out and then dating I never really thought much about her until he would bring her up in little ways and I realized and remembered all those things he had once told me. Those memories brought about some insecurities.

 

Then because he mentions that I dont' wear as many girly things as he's used to, I"m not as cuddly as he's used to, I'm not as this or that... over the past two years... I guess I"ve developed a sensitivity to her. Everything I lack she was..it seems. Everything I"m missing that he wishes I was... she used to have and that's why he misses it. (Is what it comes down to in my head).

 

He's mentioned that he loves dark hair and I"m actually the first blonde he's ever dated... and I happen to notice she had dark hair. He begged for months and months fo rme to cut my hair because he finds it so sexy... so I did... and then happened to notice that she used to have short hair. Most of this is all coincidence but it's slowly built up---to this point where I feel like he loves me, but not the way he loved her.

 

Then that one time we had a serious talk (spawned by seeing that picture one night)... in which I brought up my feelings about her and insecurities... he admitted that it was a different kind of love--but a "healthier one". Which i interpreted as not as passionate/strong or dependent. At somepoint we got on the topic of "being the one" and he admitted he had thought for sure she was... he wasn't sure if i was (and I said I wasn't sure if he was either) but he was wrong about her so who knows. This talk of course I think killed both our moods for a bit (secretly I was hoping to put alot of my insecurities to rest and hear he did think I was the one... and I think it killed the romance for him that his girlfriend wasn't thinking he was "the one" either).

 

Alas, that was almost a year ago.

 

He does not talk about her alot. Mentions her occasionally. I THINK about her (on those days you can't just seem to fall alseep) because when I hear a love song I think of him and her..not me and him. LOL. I change the radio stations now. Which tells me how much this has started to eat me up.

 

The truth is perhaps it eats me up more because of teh things we have since said to each other that I can't forget (that his love for her was a different kind... that he knew she was the one at the time, etc). I guess I need to hear those things from him about ME... otherwise I just remember them about her.

 

Because I haven't heard them... I guess I assume he either still loves her or at least loved her more (or in a different way that inspired those "the one" feelings).

[yes]

what bothered me in all this is that you do things his ex used to do:

-cut your hair

-baked cookies for his family

 

Why did you do these?... To be more like his ex, so that he loved you more?

What else are you going to do upon his request?

 

-yes

[Polar bear]

I totally understand about you not feeling special about being your boyfriends first virgin. My boyfriend dated 3 virgins before me. However, I came to the realization that why maybe he had done it with them first, I'm glad he had the experience because can you imagine being with the guy their first couple of times they have sex for the first time in their life? Trust me, my guy friends tell me it is not good...obviously and that is why you should feel lucky that you get someone experienced.

 

Most people will always have that one person who they hold on a pedestal because they will always wonder what could have happened with that person. That person is only on a pedestal because maybe they didnt get to the problematic part of the relationship, and things ended abruptly instead of running out the whole course of things. If you dumped him today, I'm sure he would feel the same way about you in retrospect.

 

DOn't do what his last girlfriend did... Be you, be yourself, do what you like to do. If he can't love you for who you are, someone else will. Take care... Maybe you should read other peoples problems, and try to offer your insight...in doing so, you can discover a lot about yourself.

[lynnedays]

No i'm not trying to be like her. I like who I am and just want him to be crazy about me the way he was her.

 

I cut my hair because he kept talking about how good he thought it would look and how much he loved short hair. I had never had short hair so gave it a try. Only LATER did I find out she also had short hair. Probably just a coincidence--but freaked me out a bit when I realized it.

 

The baking cookies I did do like her because he kept pushing about how much his family liked it (for holiday gifts instead of buying the whole family present). He kept saying his ex did it and his family raved about her food. I did it more to win over the family then to be like her.

 

I guess I"m just very sensitive to her. I'm not sensitive to the fact I was a virgin and he wasn't...that doesn't bother me. I guess what bothers me or makes me insecure is the thought he loved her more. But there really is probably no way he can convince me he loves me just as much unless he told me---which he didn't (he said he loved me in a different way).

 

I guess I'll just have to see how things go...he's not a bad guy at all... I just feel that he feels he had his dream girl and lost her and now has me. And I want more then that.

[Gray]

If nothing else sends up a redflag the thing about "Well I'm used to more girly clothes," or "I'm used to more cuddling" that definately sends one up the flagpole.

 

Hate to say it, but i think you know what you're gonna end up doing. These feelings are always gonna be there in the back of your head, and thats really not fair to you, you're right you deserve more, and you deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not for what you could be.

 

Good luck

[lynnedays]

Your probably right.

 

I think in my heart I know eventually I"ll have to break up with him to either somehow resolve these thoughts or to move on. He talks about marriage sometimes and I half fear at the same time half hoping he is going to ask me when i graduate next year. He hints at it. I can't imagine saying no to him, but I can't imagine saying yes either when I have these thoughts.

 

The problem is it's just so hard to break up when on the surface everything is great. I know I'll miss him, i'll regret, I'll cry, my heart will break, etc. and I worry I'll finally get over my doubts and then he'll be gone and I'll never find someone like him again--and I wlil have lost a great guy because of silly insecurities that possibly werne't true. Now if they are true... that's a different story.

 

I've never broken up with anyone, he's my first love too. After two years it will be such a huge change to lose him. I think i'm just sticking my head in the sand for now and living wiht the surface happiness while avoiding my thoughts. But your right... eventually... I will probably have to break away.

 

Thank you so much for your help.

[NEONINK]

I know how you feel... I'm there also!

 

I had to start recently taking inventory of what and who I am. I'm still working on it. I still hate to hear the ex's name... In fact, I cringe. And now I get quiet, get off the phone, and stew a little, then pick myself back up.

 

First of all, my relationship hasn't been validated enough. And second, I did some of the comparison myself. That was my fault, and no one else's.

 

Just like you, this person has potental and is great, but there's that nagging feeling always looming. I sometimes feel like a rebound. Yuck, I even hate that word.

 

I with ya, sister... you like 'em and don't want to leave, but damn if there is that specialness to it. arg....

 

If you figure it out, let ME know...

[lynnedays]

)

 

Will do. I'ts confusing when things aren't cut and dry... the guy isn't bad to you.. so you question why your thinking about doing what your thinking about doing. You love him and can't imagine not having him.

 

I"ve also started taking inventory of myself as well. How much happier I was with MYSELF before him. I thought i was the greatest thing and a guy would be so lucky to get me. I'm not a complete wreck.. but def. not in the same place after feeling lacking for a while now.

 

I agree with you though. someone pointed out that it was ME comparing myself to her...and that's probably true. I think i always assumed it was HIM comparing me to her.. but maybe it's me. Either way, whether it's his fault because of some comments, or just my own maturity, I think I'll probably have to take a time out from him pretty soon (if i can get the balls) and put myself back together in a way I wont' care if I"m not everything he wants--and I wont' feel lacking when I"m not. I'll just feel like that was her...this is me.

 

Not there yet. But I will be... I hope.

[NEONINK]

It sounds like your relationship was validated by him though...

I never heard the words... in 8 months, I love you.

 

So, by taking a 'break', are you actually testing the relationship? To see if you mean as much to him as she? Be prepared for either outcome if it's meant as a test.

 

Incidently, we took a month off, and I got the, "I'm not sure, but I don't want to lose you" spill. That's still not black and white in my book. And I don't feel a bit more validated.

[lynnedays]

Hmm good question.

 

No i dont' think I"m trying to test the relationship. He has told me he loves me... he told me first and I didnt' say it back because it seemed to soon for me and I wanted to make sure I did love him before I said it. That was a long time ago though and have no problem saying it now because I do love him.

 

I have no doubt that he cares for me... I"m not trying to test that. My problem I think is mostly with me at this point. I can't believe him that he loves me as much (well partically cause he practically told me that LOL). I can't get the thought out of my mind... and I really dont' see ever being able to move forward with him unless I"m able to rid myself of this. I don't have to be loved more then he loved his ex... but I want to feel at least it's equal. He as much said it wasn't. Just a differen't "kind".

 

Does that make sense? Perhaps I"m being stupid considering throwing away something that overall is pretty great becasue I can't get past wanting to feel like he loves me just as much as he loved her. It sounds so silly but I can't get past it.

 

I realize if I went on a break with him I might lose him (hence why I have no done it thus far). Worse I don't know if me going on a break would even fix anything... but truthfully I dont' know what else to do at this point. I don't see myself ever being able to completly feel secure in our love unless i get past this somehow.

[NEONINK]

You need to figure out what you want in order to feel secure. I'm not sure myself yet. Actually, your relationship sounds more solid than mine. Mine doesn't want to 'play house', at least your's does.

 

But please think about what you need. And see if he can meet that need.

[baby phat]

lynnedays

i am sure u love your bf, but the thing is every girlfriend gets jealous sometimes...but if u really love someone u should be able to trust them..as hard as it might be. i understand cuz i get jealous of my bf's ex as well. but it really depends on the interactions they have..i mean, do they still talk much and see each other around? i mean..if he still had feelings for her..i don't think ur relationship would have lasted two years...really. i know it feels bad to be compared to another girl..but whenever he compares u to her..u should tell him that if he wanted u to be just like her then he should just go back to her. don't be afraid to say it just because you are trying to hold on to this relationship. it sounds like that he treats u well..and continues to do so..so it should mean something to u. every gf would compare herself to the ex..its normal..but u should turn around and think about how u r the lucky one who has him right now!! good luck.