Ex-wife coming to visit

[wynnie]

This is my first time visiting here. I hope that someone here can offer advice on my particular situation.

I have been dating this guy for a while now. We are talking marriage, but nothing official yet.

He is divorced with a 4 yr old son whom he rarely. My guy lives in Maryland and the ex and son live in Arkansas. He rarely gets to see his son as he is in the military.

The ex-wife is bringing the son out to visit next month for a week. The week of his birthday even. The last time they came out (with boyfriend paying for both their plane tickets) she stayed with her parents and he only got to see his son 4 out of seven days only for a few hours at a time.

This time he plans to have the ex-wife and son stay at his apartment for the full week. He says he will take the couch, but I still worry. He says there is nothing to worry about. I am just uncomfortable with the situation. I know it is mainly because I am insecure, but this is driving me crazy. We can't even talk about this without getting into a huge argument.

I don't want her sleeping in his bed, showering in his bathroom, eating at his breakfast table, riding in his car, dinner together and then hanging out after their son goes to bed.

Also, I have yet to meet them and he thinks this would be a good time for us to meet. So he expects me to drive over an hour to his apartment to meet them.

Am I being unreasonable and immature about not liking this situation?

Please help!

[Just A Girl2]

First of all, what you wrote here:

 

Also, I have yet to meet them and he thinks this would be a good time for us to meet. So he expects me to drive over an hour to his apartment to meet them.

 

I don't understand, do you have a problem w/ this suggestion of his for you to meet (them) her? If so, why? You likely drive the hour it takes to get to his place when you're going there to visit him, right? So why would it be any different if going there to meet her and his son?

 

That being said, I think it's very good of him to suggest this....you should feel good about it. It shows he's got nothing to hide, he's not trying to hide you........he wants his EX wife to meet the special person in his life now: YOU. I'd think that if there was anything shady being planned, he wouldn't DARE offer to have you meet each other..in fact, he'd likely go out of his way to ensure that she has no idea that you exist. Know what I mean?

 

I recall a situation with a guy I was in a long term relationship with a year ago. We'd been dating for a couple of months or more, he had 2 sons. His ex wife (not quite yet divorced) had been seeing someone steady since her and my b/f had split up almost a year and a half prior to this........and his/her sons had told her all about me, she was more than aware that my guy now had a girlfriend and I didn't imagine it would be a big deal, seeing how they were in the final stages of the divorce proceedings, she'd "moved on" and had someone in her life, likewise with him (well, so I thought). I hadn't ever met her, but one Saturday afternoon, it was planned that i'd drive the hour long trip to his place to spend the afternoon with him and his kids (it was his weekend with them). The night before, we were discussing what time I'd go there the next day, and he tells me that although it's his weekend, his ex was dropping by at 2pm to pick up the boys to take them to the birthday party of her boyfriend's son........not thinking this was a big deal, but because I'd never met her, I jokingly said to him "want me to hide out on the bathroom when she stops by to pick them up? LOL" He then said (which shocked the crap out of me) that perhaps it was better that I just not "be there" when she arrived. I told him that seemed crazy to me, I wouldn't flaunt the fact that I was there, in fact, I'd just go down into the basement or wherever and make myself scarce......that I didn't want it to be akward for anyone. Good God, she was only stopping by to pick them up, not come in for tea and crumpets LOL

 

Again, he said that wasn't a good idea.........that I should just "leave" before she was expected to arrive. I said to him, "what, you expect me to drive all the way back home because she'll be here for 3 minutes to pick them up at the door?......or what, I should get in my car and drive around the block 45 times until I see her car has left?"

 

I couldn't understand for the life of me, what the big deal was. He was very vague in explaining it. Made up some crap about how she could "be a b*tch" and he didn't want any kind of 'scene' around the kids. I told him this was crazy.....she was more than aware that I was in his life and had been for 3 months........his boys were ages 8 and 10 and really liked me (as I liked them) and we knew they told her things about me, like about my cats, my house, where we'd all go for dinner, etc. So it just didn't add up why she'd care or possibly make a scene..........lord, especially since she'd been with someone for over a year and was there to pick up her sons to take them to her boyfriend's son's birthday! LOL

 

Truth be told, the fact of the matter with him was that he simply wasn't over his ex wife. Even though the divorce was proceeding and she'd moved on and so had he apparently, for him to have me "there on the premises" while she arrived, I suppose would be too much "proof" to her that he'd really moved on, and I guess he likely still had a shred of hope that perhaps they'd get back together. Perhaps he felt some guilt for having ME in his home, a home he'd shared with her in the past. Well, whatever the reason, that was the end of the relationship for me, I would not be "hidden" like that and pushed out of the picture when he felt it necessary.

 

So in your case, your guy is WANTING you to meet his ex and his son.......this is great because it's good for his son to see that Daddy's girlfriend and Mommy "get along", that's another bonus of meeting.

 

Now as for the issue of her spending the entire MONTH there living with him........I wonder if the reason for this 'arrangement' has something to do with the fact that when she came down the last time and stayed with her parents and he didn't barely see his son, he feels that if he has her and his son actually staying there with him, he'll be able to see his son a LOT more. I imagine it must be very hard to be divorced and not able to see your child very often. I suspect this is the reason for this arrangement.......BUT, i do understand your concerns and reservations. I would feel the very same way.

 

When their marriage ended, do you know who was the one to end it? Do you have any idea WHY it ended? How long have they been divorced for?

 

During the time you've been with him, how has he ever spoken about his ex? Does he constantly bash her? Or have a lot of nice things to say about her?

 

Do you have any feeling, or reason to believe that perhaps he's not quite "over her"? What about her, has she ever (in the time you've known him) made attempts to get back together with him?

 

JAG2

[loca]

I can understand how you feel. I think JAG2 hit it on the head when she said he actually wants his ex to meet you. It is obvious he is not trying to hide anything. The guy I have been seeing still lives w/ his children's mother. She has threatened to move the children across the country if he moves out. They have two different bedrooms (I have actually talked to her on numerous occasions) and he stays at my house a lot. She knows he wants a seperation, but I think she is just seeing the paychecks every week. So look on the bright side it could be a lot worse. But, I can empathize with you. It drives me crazy when he is at home and she is there. Your situation is only a temporary one. I suggest you meet the ex and try to deal with it for the week.

When people have children that other person is going to ALWAYS be in there life. I really feel like he is doing this for his son, not his ex. I try to think of it this way, everyone has a past and we can not change this. He needs to see his son, and because he didn't get to see him very much on the last visit he just wants to spend more time with him. Be glad you have a man that is not a deadbeat dad and wants to be a part of his child's life (and that is more difficult when the child lives in a different state). Just tough it out this week. Keep busy doing other things and try not to worry about things. Don't drive yourself crazy, they broke up for a reason and he wants her to meet you. A sure sign he is OVER her. Good luck. P.S. Celebrate his birthday after they have left (do something special to show him how much you missed him).

[EnigmaXOXO]

Am I being unreasonable and immature about not liking this situation?

Please help!

 

Absolutely not.

 

Anybody would experience the same anxiety if in your situation. Although I don’t fully condone your boyfriend’s judgment call on this one, I can certainly understand his desire to spend more time with his son.

 

Now that you have gotten affirmation that you are not “loopy”…the real question should be “so how do I handle it?”

 

First, I would absolutely accept my boyfriend’s invitation to meet his son regardless of whether or not the ex will be a part of that equation. I would drive that hour and then some if he asked. I would have been more alarmed if he hadn’t suggested it.

 

Next, I would remain as polite, cheerful, friendly and calm as I possibly could while in their presence…in spite of the fact I would be suffering from heart palpitations. I would also not hide the fact in the ex wife’s presence that the two of you are a “couple.” Sit next to him; touch his hand, act as you normally do. But don’t go overboard with the overt affectionate gestures as it might appear that you are insecure and “claiming your territory.” If your boyfriend withdrawals or seems uncomfortable and aloof…take note and “file it,” but don’t over react. He may just be feeling awkward in front of his son.

 

If the ex wife says or does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, politely excuse yourself and leave. Any issues that may arise from the visit can be discussed later after she is gone.

 

Remember, there will be a child present who will be influenced by this situation regardless of how it turns. If you remain the “adult” in the room, it will only benefit your relationship (and your reputation) in the long run. While you are certainly an important part of your boyfriend’s life, the love for his son will always come first. You don’t want to do ANYTHING that would interfere with that.

 

To help give you encouragement, here is your mantra for the week!

 

"Keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer." - Vito Carleone

 

Good luck, Wynnie! I feel your pain!

[Carly]

Sorry but I feel worse for the son than anyone else here. When a mom and dad break up, hope for a reunion springs eternal within the child, whether he talks about it or not. Seeing mommy and daddy living together again will only serve to fuel this child's deepest hope. Come the end of the visit, when mommy goes back home without daddy, there will be one very, very sad little boy.

 

As for you, I absolutely agree with Enigma that you have every right to be conserned about where you stand in the relationship, and where the ex stands.

 

It is true, as Enigma suggests, that two adults who share a child are bonded together for the rest of their life on earth, until the death of one of them or the child. With a divorced couple, that bond has to do with the shared child, and usually ends there. As far as romance goes, it is supposed to over between them -- or at least they have agreed to no longer act like a romantic couple.

 

I would not accept my partner sharing quarters with another women under any circumstances, and the fact that this is your guy's ex makes it no more acceptable.

 

The fact that they say they will be sleeping in seperate rooms doesn't mean that they will -- despite their best intentions. There will be very strong, unforseen motivations for this couple to "reconnect," so to speak, in the darkness and intimacy of those many nights together. A drink or two will make it that much easier. Please don't be encouraged to think this is innocent by the younger ideallists who sometimes post at this site.

 

Talk to your guy about your concerns. If he doesn't understand your concerns, then he is considerably challenged with regards to interpersonal sensitivity.

 

And while you're talking, tell him that you received good psychological advice off Loveshack that keeping his ex with him during the visit could do serious harm to his precious little boy. If your guy doesn't understand that concern, then he is callous beyond hope.

[loca]

As a "younger idealist" I don't know what else to tell you. I guess others feel you should go ahead and dump him. His mind is already made up. Then after that week is over and she is on her way back to Arkansas you can regret your decision. It all boils down to one question, do you trust him? Just because two people are sleeping in the same house it does not mean they are going to have sex. I do agree that it may cause false hope in their son's eyes, but that is your boyfriends choice. You can't tell him how to raise his child. Good luck.

[wynnie]

Thank you guys for all the input. It raised some issues I had not thought of before today. Especially the part about the son seeing his parents living together.

I have always had a hard time trusting guys, mainly due to a low self-esteem. But I do feel that I can trust him. I just hope I can trust her to behave as well. She had left him for another guy and that relationship has since ended.

 

I am so glad I found this site!

[loca]

so what are you going to do? Are you going to stay w/ him even if she stays there? I think you should hang in there. Everything will work out. I don't think you have anything to worry about and trust me-I am not naive. If she comes on to him, it will be his responsiblity to tell her to buzz off. And, it seems like he is really into you. Just think he has been totally honest w/ you. Some guys would have just tried to pick a fight and avoid you for a week. Good luck

[EnigmaXOXO]

I have always had a hard time trusting guys, mainly due to a low self-esteem.

 

Wynnie, I may get flamed for this one, but personally I don't believe in unconditional "trust." That is an honor I bestow upon someone who has earned it.

 

I do however, believe in giving everyone the "benefit of the doubt." In my book, this is not the result of low self-esteem or paranoia...rather what I like to call: Heightened Awareness!