tessgirl Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 (edited) I have been with my partner for many many years, we recently got married and just a few months after i became attracted to a new male friend of mine. i never thought i could be attracted to him, he is the complete opposite of my usual type and my husband for that matter he is not very good looking (not terrible now that I have spent more time with him and have a deeper connection but initially there was no attraction there at all) but his personality is fantastic and we have everything in common unlike my husband and i who are very opposite (which up until now was wonderful and part of why we worked so well). however one night when i was really drunk we kissed and it was amazing. i didn't really think much of it because i was drunk so i put it aside. but the attraction grew and every time i saw him i wanted to kiss him and usually i did. we spent about a month fooling around and not very sneakily - my sister found out and my best friend knew but i didn't care. i convinced them everything had stopped even though it hadn't (they semi believed me but don't bring it up anymore). I couldn't get this guy out of my head the crush grew and grew and finally we slept together and it was amazing. i wanted more and more. and now that we have been sleeping together for about a month and i starting to get unbearable waves of guilt and self loathing about it all but contradictory to that guilt i want to sleep with him more and more. And to make matters worse the guilt is ruining my relationship with my husband. I find myself resenting him, getting frustrated by him, not wanting to spend time with him, the littlest thing he does wrong (even if he's done a bunch of other good stuff) and I loose my cool with him. I pick fights with him, I am mean to him and all of that makes my guilt even worse. I can't focus at work - i love thinking about my affair partner but then i get sick to my stomach and have serious anxiety attacks. I know that i really love my husband and that i should stop sleeping with this other guy and build back what we had because it was a great relationship but at the same time i don't want to give up my affair, i love the way he makes me feel, how attentive he is to me, how amazing the sex is. I don't know what to do I am totally torn. I want my relationship with my husband to be great and to be able to keep sleeping with my friend. is there a way? im pretty sure im just kidding myself with all this. Thanks for thoughts (please don't hate on me ) Edited October 22, 2009 by tessgirl Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I dont understand why your husband is sticking around I think he will get tired of you treating him the way you are.You need to pick one.I think you should pick the OM.You treat him better then your husband.I am not saying this to be mean but does your husband deserve to be treated this way.It hurts really bad to be cheated on.If you want your husband then you need to stop seeing this man and work on your marriage.Having your cake and eating it too is not fair its selfish.How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot.You will feel alot better doing the right thing.Read some of the post from OM and OW on this site and listen to what they say they are doing their best to do the right thing and they can help.Even listen to the other side they can tell you how deep it hurts.Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
theBrokenMuse Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 (edited) No. There is no way to have both without being the type of person who people fear ending up being married to and only wish upon their worst enemy. If you want to be able to salvage any sort of self respect and dignity in this situation you need to put on your big girl underoos and stop doing things that could devastate someone you supposedly love if he were to have an inkling of what you were up to. If you love your husband then start doing right by him and if not, then leave him and let him find someone who will - it's really that simple. Edited October 22, 2009 by theBrokenMuse Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 You and your affair deserve each other. Your husband deserves someone far faaaar better. Poor guy. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 OP, You need to divorce your husband as soon as possible. You haven't been very sneaky about this affair and already too many people know. It's only a matter of time until your Husband will find out, and believe me he will hate you many times greater, than if you get a divorce now , before he finds out. But you have to stop deluding yourself, if your marriage was so great, and if you truly had any love or respect for your husband, this affair would not have happened. You can't choose who you are attracted to, but you can control your actions. You have done nothing for your husband, but shame him, do One good thing for him, divorce him. Think of him instead of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Soul Bear Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 OP, You need to divorce your husband as soon as possible. You haven't been very sneaky about this affair and already too many people know. It's only a matter of time until your Husband will find out, and believe me he will hate you many times greater, than if you get a divorce now , before he finds out. But you have to stop deluding yourself, if your marriage was so great, and if you truly had any love or respect for your husband, this affair would not have happened. You can't choose who you are attracted to, but you can control your actions. You have done nothing for your husband, but shame him, do One good thing for him, divorce him. Think of him instead of yourself. Well said. Sounds like you and your affair are good together, where as you and your husband are not. So make the move and do the right thing..... Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 You have been married only a few months and you do and put your husband at risk for STD's. How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? You have shown total humiliation and disrespect toward your husband. Do your husband a big favor and tell him the truth so he can decide how he wishes to live his life. This is the least you can do. Your husband has my great sympathy. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Get a divorce. What you are doing to your husband is horribly cruel. You are a cheat and a liar and a sneak, and he needs to get free of your lousy, two-timing ass. If your friend has a brain (and it seems like he doesn't), he'll get the hell away from you, too. If you're willing to cheat on your husband, why not on him in a year or two? Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Well, I think that you have some decisions to make. You can not serve two people. Believe me - this will make you mental. It's hard on the heart and hard on the soul. You do need to make a choice. Think - think long and hard. I don't think it is possible to keep both, because in the end - you may lose them both. I know where you have been, and it is not easy. So, if you feel like it's time to tell your H, then talk to him. He ,ay want an open relationship or to move on. I would suggest NOT telling H until you know what you want. All it would cause is heartache. Good luck. And PS: Affair sex is ALWAYS fantastic!! Is there more to what you guys have than just sex?? Think about it... it's a tough choice and once you ring that bell ... you can't take it back. Link to post Share on other sites
Skump Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 I want my relationship with my husband to be great and to be able to keep sleeping with my friend. is there a way? im pretty sure im just kidding myself with all this. Jesus Christ... thanks for contributing to the decline of western civilization. If you have an ounce of genuine remorse for your actions, you need to take a step back and consider what you've allowed yourself to become. As I read your post, I was mentally checking off items on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist for malignant narcissism. There were a lot of checks. Whether you consider it "hating" or not, I'm going to be blunt: you need serious help of a kind that comes with a $200+ per hour fee. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 think about what you are doing to your H, divorce him and let him find someone else. Really what you are doing is horrible and if you stay with him the guilt 20 years from now will destroy you, on top of that you will destroy his life by constantly taking it out on him Link to post Share on other sites
BG1985 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 On the bright side, if she stays married to him long enough and tricks him into having kids, she can leverage this into a lifestyle financed by her ex husband whom she's been deceiving as of just a few months after they got married. I hope y'all can sense my sarcasm. Link to post Share on other sites
Viscerality Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 is there a way? im pretty sure im just kidding myself with all this. Thanks for thoughts (please don't hate on me ) Please don't hate on you? This is one of the most selfish requests I've ever seen a person make. No, there's no way you can stay with your husband and keep slamming another guy. At least, no way in which all parties involved will approve or be happy with. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 tessgirl There is no room for a third person in a marriage. You will never recover your feelings for your BH as long as you see the OM. You must go NC with the OM. You find fault with your BH because it is your mind justifying you sleeping with the OM. Why would you want to have a relationship with a person of loe morals? OM has shown he has no ethics, by banging a WW. They cheat with you they will cheat on you. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 I want my relationship with my husband to be great and to be able to keep sleeping with my friend. is there a way? im pretty sure im just kidding myself with all this. Thanks for thoughts (please don't hate on me ) Yes, there is a way. Join Warren Jeff's compound. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 its real simple tess, you recently got married, I'm going to assume you don't have any kids yet(hopefully). So get an annullment, and set your husband free from you so he can find a trustworthy person. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 But you have to stop deluding yourself, if your marriage was so great, and if you truly had any love or respect for your husband, this affair would not have happened. not always the case. there are people that just don't like being tied down to having sex with just one person. some are fickle and like the variety of boinking a new face once in a while. But in a sense that would mean ANY marriage to such a person is not going to be great because they aren't fit for marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Malenfant Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 surely you cant believe that your own desire is justification of having both men? If you want your marriage to work, you have to sacrifice the OM. although, i feel that once an adulterous act has been performed, and it is being kept a secret, there is something seperating you and your H. All the people here know it, thats why they always urge to get it out in the open. Link to post Share on other sites
luie Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 I want my relationship with my husband to be great and to be able to keep sleeping with my friend. is there a way? im pretty sure im just kidding myself with all this. Thanks for thoughts (please don't hate on me ) Hi there, My story was very very similar to yours. Routine is a big enemy of relationships (and sex life) and that inevitably at some point it will knock on the door of a long affair. So will all the fears of "is this it??" and in some ways emotional maturing if it makes sense. I too think is that having both guys won't work. But not only for moral reasons. Just think to yourself honestly what made you change your mind about your husband. For me it was pure boredom and fear of commitment. That's what made me starting looking around in the first place. In the end, I chose my long term partner and at the moment I am trying to rebuild my relationship. Sex with the other guy was amazing, and so was all the things about him my guy did not have. But then again there were so many things my guy did have and this other guy did not. Don't beat yourself up about your feelings. Just try to be true to yourself. best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Hop_prophet Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 How ****ing horrible. Reading stuff like this makes me never want to get married. OP please divorce your husband immediatley. Just leave him and spare him the details. You were in no way, shape, or form ready for marriage. You should feel consumed by guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
bluestraps Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 You should feel guilty. First your married. What does that mean to you . You must have an idea of what you think a marriage is. SO you got drunk. If I were you, you should tell your husband what you have done. If he cares for you after telling him everything, he may give you a second chance. What are you going to do, get a divorce, marry this friend and do the same thing over again to him with someonelse? Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 (edited) I want my relationship with my husband to be great and to be able to keep sleeping with my friend. is there a way? Yes there is a way, however you have lot of other important steps you need to get through first.. 1) you tell your husband what you did 2) watch his world turn upside down 3) your guilt, hopefully, will turn into remorse after realising how much you hurt him 4) he may want to divorce you right away or may want to work on the marriage 5) if you (both) do decide to work on the marriage, it can take years before you can recover it AND THEN 1) if you still feel like sleeping with this guy and be married to your husband, sure, be open and honest with your husband about it, I don't see why that is not a possibility (ia m not being facetious...i am trying to answer your question and at the same time give you realistic view) Edited November 5, 2009 by 65tr6 Link to post Share on other sites
harmfulsweetz Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 You can't be all that guilty, can you? I mean, you are still doing it, right? Sorry but that doesn't equate to guilt, that's you coming on here for validation. You probably weren't ready for marriage, your actions prove that. Get a divorce before you have kids. For his sake. Let him find someone better. Sorry. It sounds like you want the excitement, the thrill, the danger of an A, but also the security of an M. You can't have both. Put yourself in your H's shoes one second, would you like that? Wouldn't you dump his ass? I would. It happens in every R though, the sex gets boring, dull, etc, you fall into a rut etc, but it's up to YOU BOTH to get that back on track, not allowing it to fall to an A. A sex will always be fantastic-its new, its fun, its exciting, its sex not making love. See, but this can only last so long until that gets boring too. He's attentive blah blah, yeah for now. While he isn't tied down to you. If you want attentive and all that, why haven't you spoken to your H about your needs before now? Before fulfilling them off someone else? You do have a lot to answer for, and think about, I would think about telling your H and letting him decide. You have no right to a choice in this. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 5, 2009 Share Posted November 5, 2009 How ****ing horrible. Reading stuff like this makes me never want to get married. and its because I don't want to take the chance that I wind up with someone like OP, I'll never get married again. Link to post Share on other sites
letmejustsay Posted November 6, 2009 Share Posted November 6, 2009 (edited) You should ask yourself why you have not been able to develop a genuine intimacy with your committed partner (aka your husband). Acting out sexually with another man while you are married communicates that you aren't in a healthy place emotionally, mentally and spiritually. My first question would be...have you considered looking into your reasons for being unfaithful? Do you know why you are not acting in ways that communicate love, compassion or empathy for your husband? You clearly understand that he could be seriously hurt by your actions both emotionally and physically (I hope you're using protection). And whatever happens, the results of your actions will impact both of your lives forever. You say you want things to be great with your husband. You may feel some guilt and shame for doing something that you admit is wrong, but at the end of the day you are betraying him. Knowing that, you seem to indicate that you still want to betray him. How would you respond if he were the one betraying you? In my opinion, you need to discover if you have the capability to feel genuine love for anyone. You should think about discovering why you don't have a healthy level of empathy and compassion for the man you have committed yourself too. Then, you need to ask yourself why you aren't being honest with yourself or your husband. What is driving you to want to try to have your cake and eat it too? Saying you love someone means very little if you are too weak or too unsure about the definition of love, honor, and commitment in marriage. You should see a therapist, its possible you have problems regulating your emotions or perhaps a personality disorder such as bipolar or narcissism. Edited November 6, 2009 by letmejustsay typo Link to post Share on other sites
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