ME Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 Ok.....well I am not sure what to make of this. I have been dating this girl for a few months. We are both in a relationship for the first time in about 2 years. She had been hurt in her previous relationship, and because of that it was difficult for us in the begining. Well, the other day I was at her house, and she decided to check her e-mail before we went out. I hadn't noticed before, but she had a folder that was named "A Cheating Liar". When I asked about it, she told me that they were letters from her ex-boyfriend, that she hadn't been able to delete. She said that they were love letter, etc., and that I shouldn't worry because girls do stuff like that. I am not sure what to make of this. They don't talk, and I don't think they have since they broke up, but this kind of caught my eye. Is it possible, that after two years of being apart from someone who cheated on her, that she still has feelings. Or is it just letters from her first love, that she would like to keep, like she says "all girls do". I am not sure if I should feel threatened, or if I am just over-reacting to the whole situation. I could never ask her to get rid of them for me. It is her property, not mine. It just makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that she has them. Am I wrong to feel this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 Feel whatever way you like. You had no business going into her private stuff, even if it was on her computer, and you had no business questioning her about stuff that you went into without authorization...even if only by accident. Your lady has a right to privacy. There are a lot of people who keep love letters and other various correspondence in drawers and on computers. Lots of people keep pictures in albums. Just because we have an ex or two or more doesn't mean they weren't an important part of our lives. Throwing this stuff away or deleting it is the very last part of letting go and sometimes it takes years for it finally to mean absolutely nothing at all to us. Reading them once in a while brings back memories and there are times when we all like to do that. Back off and worry about YOUR relationship with her. If you are very insecure, go date a lady who says she doesn't store such things and hope she's telling you the truth. MOST women and many men have a corner somewhere where they put this stuff...and those women have great admiration for others who respect their right to privacy. Just let your lady be human, please! Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted February 12, 2003 Share Posted February 12, 2003 If you just happened to see the file it's no big deal. It's not like you were snooping and if I were in your place I would have asked what it was too -- who wouldn't be curious about something like that! Yeah, it is something girls do. Some of us are packrats. I have stuff (photos, poems, letters, gifts, etc.) from old boyfriends in a box somewhere in my house. It's moved with me many, many times all across the country and I haven't opened or looked at the stuff in better than 20 years, but for some reason I keep carting it all around. There are a zillion reasons why your gf may be keeping the stuff, but I wouldn't worry about. The folder is labeled Cheating Liar right! Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted February 13, 2003 Share Posted February 13, 2003 [color=indigo] I wouldn't worry about the folder your girlfriend keeps of past love notes from her ex. I cannot speak for all females out there, but I too have kept love notes and other trinkets from past relationships. At one time in our lives, that person meant a lot to us and the sentimental side of me wants to hold on to that. There is a part of me that will always love my ex but that doesn't mean I am in love with him. My heart has moved on but the memories will always be there. It is unrealistic for any of us to expect a current boyfriend/girlfriend to have no past loves. It is something we must all accept of one another and just understand that it doesn't threaten our current relationship. If your girlfriend has truly moved on, then I wouldn't worry about it. It sounds to me that she is just cherishing what was good in the past. A part of her might still love him but I wouldn't view that as a threat to your relationship or as a hinderence to her loving you. [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted February 24, 2003 Share Posted February 24, 2003 I have a box in my inbox called "Wanker" it is where all the emails from my ex and his girlfriend go (I have changed my email so hopefully there will be no more). As for love letters, I burnt those years ago. It is just over 2 years since I broke up with that idiot and I do not want any crummy love letters ot gifts from him. You have to question why she is kepping them because "girls don't just do things like that" Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted February 25, 2003 Share Posted February 25, 2003 I still have a box of memories from previous relationships. I rarely, if ever go in it, but I keep old pictures, cards that touched me and love letters. For me, it's a part of my past and as long as I keep it in my past it's ok to keep that stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 26, 2003 Share Posted February 26, 2003 I kept letters from my ex for awhile because in reflecting back on our relationships and problems we had, Iwanted to know if there was something he said that I missed that indicated a problem he had. The folder is called "A Cheating Liar". That doesn't sound very endearing to me, so I doubt that that's something you should worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
QWERTY Posted May 8, 2003 Share Posted May 8, 2003 Instead of tucked away in a closet or in a file on her Email, my current girlfriend has some mementos from past relationships around her bedroom. It actually doesn't bother me that much - she loves stuffed animals, and has about a couple of dozen on her bed from different people (ex-boyfriends and otherwise). Plus, I have my own box of mementos in my closet - to me, they represent parts of my past (good and bad). But there's one stuffed animal in particular, the teddy bear holding the "I love you" heart, that kind of makes me cringe. I know this was given to her by her last boyfriend (who left her to marry his ex, so again - no worries), and it just strikes me as kind of... insensitive?... to keep it laying around when it's such an obvious reminder (for her and me) of a past relationship. Am I wrong to think so? The first time I saw it, she said "I should cut that heart off" (leaving just the bear), but it never happened. Should I say something? Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted May 8, 2003 Share Posted May 8, 2003 [color=indigo] If you feel that strongly about it, then tell her! Communication is the key to a healthy, stable relationship. When confronting her about this issue, just tell it like you told us. Being nice about it and explaining how it bothers you should go over well with her. If she gets defensive and hostile in return, then that says something about her and maybe the bear is more to her then "just a bear". You won't know unless you have that talk with her. If you don't, your feelings will just fester inside and perhaps manifest themselves in other, unpositive ways. Good luck! [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
zoecharlene Posted May 8, 2003 Share Posted May 8, 2003 I have lots of old pictures and letters I reciently went though and threw away, but also couldn't part with some other things either. She's not in the wrong. At least she doesn't have old clothes. I've been with my boyfreind for a year and he still has a teddy that he bought his ex. I told him it bothered me and he said I could throw it away, but I never did. Maybe one day I will, but once he gave me the impression it didn't mean anything to him I just left it. Funny how it works that way. Link to post Share on other sites
jessicakicksbut Posted May 9, 2003 Share Posted May 9, 2003 I held on to letters from my ex-boyfriend for a few months after we broke up, and would used to read them and analyze them in order to learn more about guys. He was a charming, con-artist who was tough to find red flags on at first. Once I went back and read the letters a few times after we broke up, I found out that the signs were there, I just ignored them. Basically, I kept them to use as a learning experience so I would not get swayed like that again. Link to post Share on other sites
QWERTY Posted May 9, 2003 Share Posted May 9, 2003 Zeocharlene, I know I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong, and sorry for rocking the boat, but it sounds like your boyfriend passed up a golden opportunity to be the "sensitive boyfriend" (by throwing away the teddy when you told him it bothered you) and put you in the position of being the "insecure girlfriend" (by telling you you could get rid of it if it bothered you). If it really means nothing to him, and you do, he should have gotten rid of it when you raised the issue. I wasn't going to say anything, but your "at least it wasn't lingerie" comment suggests it may still be a bit of an issue for you. But, speaking as a guy, I know that guys can be pretty dumb (and insensitive) sometimes, so if it is still an issue for you, you could always bring it up again and say "I haven't really thought about it since we talked before, but it doesn't sound like you have any reason to hang on to it. But I'd prefer if you were the one to throw it out." And, like the advice given to me about the teddy bear - if he raises a fuss, you'll know it still holds some value for him. Just my $0.02. Link to post Share on other sites
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