Colette Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 I have been dating my boyfriend for 8 months and we are currently living together. I found out after dating him for about 3 months that when we started dating he had just VERY recently broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years. IF I had known at the time, I would have gone a lot more slowly with him, but after 3 months I was hooked. He told me he had had a girlfriend, but was very nonchalant about it, and said he hadn't seen her in 6 months (she is from Africa, but they had lived together off and on in London for 2 years), then he had gone to see her and it was terrible and they broke up. Well, come to find out, he had asked her to get married and she had turned him down, or asked him to wait, or something (not clear) and it hurt his pride and he turned his back and came home...instantly finding a new girlfriend (me) who was clueless about all this (until about 3 months later). Well, everything was great... a few phone calls here and there from her, his mom was VERY upset (she loved the ex, although we get along well), and everyone thought he was moving on too fast (including me!! When I found out...) Now, I have been a bit snoopy and found some letters and emails that lead me to believe he is not over her. Although he has told her he has a new girlfriend, he has not told her that we live together...he also says that he misses her, emails her a lot and receives phone calls from her at work (she wants him back!!). Now he has NEVER told me any of this, I snooped around and found it. I think the feelings are too deep for him to be having a "platonic" relationship with her at this point. He says to her, "I thought I knew what I wanted, but I am all over the place, I guess I was wrong." He also has written, "Things with ------ and I have not worked out for the time being..." and "I am living with my girlfriend from ------- and I am happy with that at present." oh and "I am living with my girlfriend, she is very sweet and loving, but I do not believe she is the one I will marry." Etc. OK. I know I shouldn't be snooping, but it has always been a problem with me and I get obsessed with it. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is in love with someone else, maybe thinking this is a "break" until they get back together? (Although he says he does not want to get back with her, I have asked). I don't know what to do? I am 28 and I don't want another long term relationship with the wrong man. He is wonderful in many ways, but I don't want him to "settle" for me because he couldn't have her!!!! Any suggestions???? Thank you!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 This man has shown you he is very dishonest, lying both directly and through concealment. Is this the sort of man you want a long term relationship with? It's good you discovered these things. Unfortunatley, confronting him with the evidence you have accumulated is only going to make him defensive and make your life with him nasty and uncomfortable. I don't think you can have a good relationship with a man you cannot trust and I think what he is doing behind your back is not worthy of trust. You have all the evidence before you. It's you who has to determine what you can live with and what you can't but my vote would be to dust him as soon as it is practical to do so. You're wasting your time with a loser. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Colette Posted January 31, 2003 Author Share Posted January 31, 2003 He also sent a present to his ex AND her parents for Christmas (a gift basket) even though they have been broken up for MONTHS!! I found this wholly inappropriate...he said something like "thanks for everything you have taught me. Have a merry christmas...blah blah blah" I found the internet receipt for this. He surely didn't get anything for my parents for Christmas (he met them, we went to my home for Thanksgiving). I feel like he is just trying to keep in the good with them??? They must have found it strange as well.... I live with this guy, how do I get out? I can't afford to pay the rent by myself and the lease isn't up until August! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 YOU ASK: "I live with this guy, how do I get out? I can't afford to pay the rent by myself and the lease isn't up until August!" This is a basic question I'm sure you can figure out based on all the data you have at hand. Just remember, you owe him nothing at all. You can just walk out on the lease. Go live with a friend or relative. What would you do if you didn't have him in your life to help with expenses? Don't get yourself into this kind of jam again!!! Link to post Share on other sites
JW Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 I was in your situation once. We were together for two years and during that entire time he was still in love with the ex that got away (For most of the relationship I never knew and I only found out about it towards the end of our relationship). Needless to say, we've broken up now and I'll bet he is STILL not over her. Trust me, don't even waste a moment longer..this will bug you and you will become more obsessed with snooping and it will drive you crazy that someone out there has got his mind like that. You will make yourself sick with the question of "whats she got that I don't have", etc. I don't know how much you like and/or love the guy but don't wait a moment longer. I don't like to be blunt, I'm sure he has a lot of good traits but this is a huge issue. Get all the strength you can gather, cuz I guarantee you it's not going to be easy, and start walking. Don't be the settlee of the settler. P.S. Snooping is no good but most girls do it. In your case, you found out a lot of valuable info..my advice, and only my opinion, don't bother confronting him with a big scene cuz he'll turn it on you and then you'll feel like you are the one with the problem (guys are good at that!) Just tell him you don't think you're in the same place right now and that YOU need time away. Less is more in the long run..I know money is tight..do what you have to do to get out, the longer you stay there the worse you will feel down the road..take it from someone who knows..Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted January 31, 2003 Share Posted January 31, 2003 just walk away. Why would you willingly stick around if you know it's going to cause pain/bad feelings? Money shouldn't be the deciding factor; your sanity should be! Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted February 1, 2003 Share Posted February 1, 2003 There is no other explanation than the one you're reluctant to face. He's still in love with his ex. He's not truly in love with you. You owe him no courtesies, he's been using you to shield himself from the pain of being separated from the woman he loves. Start looking in the classifieds to find someone seeking a roommate. There are roommate-search websites too (area-specific). Find a place, and then leave. Tell him as you're leaving that you don't think he's the one for you. If he wants to know why, tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Bizzit Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 First of all I want to say Im sorry for what your going threw. I hope that you can find your self threw your emotions, it is very hard to be placed in the middle and not being able to find your true emotions towards your thoughts and feelings. Men are as strange as most of us wemon. I hate to say it but if he is not telling her about you and her living together he is doing it to protect her feelings and protect facing having to deal and explain to her witch is something hes not looking foward to doing because he still has the feelings about her.JMO He wouldnt be taking her calls or e mailing to her if he was over her. JMO 4 years is a long time. Good Luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 4, 2003 Share Posted February 4, 2003 Okay, this guy had been seeing this girl for 2 years, he proposed and she refused, he was hurt and met you on the rebound. Of course he's still going to have feelings for her. You can't turn 2 years of emotional attachment off just like that. He should have given himself time to get over that relationship before getting involved with another. But most people don't want to feel the pain of losing someone, so they self medicate themselves by starting another relationship. My question to you is, if you knew all of this at 3 months, why did you continue to proceed with this relationship? Did you think things were going to get better? All you've been doing is torturing yourself. If all the evidence say he's not over her, but his lips say no, listen to the evidence, because actions speak louder than words. Forget about the lease, be honest with him about why you want to leave, because there's no need for you to subject yourself to that kind of treatment. And even if he says no, I think you should go anyway for your benefit. And in the future, take the time to get to know a person. That may be why your past relationships have not worked out. And when a red flag comes up, listen to it. Link to post Share on other sites
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