slidensidewayz Posted December 16, 2002 Share Posted December 16, 2002 Ok I have some other posts here but heres another one. I'm 26 she's 23 and we were engaged in January 02 date set for March of 03. In September she decided to post pone the wedding because I wasn't spending the time with her, or helping to plan the wedding and she assumed I didn't really want to get married. But I feel another factor played in here Somebody she works with opened up and said he had strong feelings for her and had fallen in love with her. She discussed everything about us with him prior to knowing his feelings and has said she has stopped doing this. She had admitted to me that she had even thought about dating him. Since September she has told me numerous times that they are just friends and she has told him nothing will ever happen and she tells me until she is blue in the face that nothing ever went on between them. My question is should I believe what she is telling me. She moved out 2 weeks ago because I am unwilling to put all of this behind and get on with things. I always make comments about her seeing him. My basis for uncertainity is because she lied I had asked to cut her socail ties with him and I found out she was still forwarding him emails and once again she said she had. She has said she is over the feeling for him and want us to work on things. Did she only have these feelings because somebody else showed her some attention and because things were rocky between us? Can I really believe her words???? Is it possible for their friendship to remain platonic knowing his feelings for her? He has told me he wants what makes her happy even if that means being with me. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 16, 2002 Share Posted December 16, 2002 I've heard that line before -- "I want you to be happy - even if its not with me" equals "I want you to believe that I love you deeper then anyone and would do anything for you, and I am more sensitive and caring than anyone - so have sex with me" If you don't feel you can trust her, then break up with her. Otherwise you have to trust her love for you enough to know that she would not knowingly hurt you. Constant questioning and distrust will only drive her away and its certainly not fair to either one of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author slidensidewayz Posted December 16, 2002 Author Share Posted December 16, 2002 And it has done that exactly driven her away she moved out 2 weeks ago and on friday she said we have been working on this for 3 months and I feel we are never going to get anywhere. So I replied " Thanks thats all I needed to hear" and hung up. Those were my last words spoken to her and she hasn't tried to contact me yet. We have mutual friends that we talk to and for 3 months they have been telling me I'm the she wants when they talk to her she is very sincere and she has agreed to going to couples counseling I just don't know how to put this act behind me and go on with her I know in order to go on I will have to let go of it and my thoughts of it going on Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 16, 2002 Share Posted December 16, 2002 Then GO to counseling. It sounds like she loves you and doesn't want to give up. If you want a shot at making the relationship work then go to counseling, alone or together. I think that maybe you should go alone as well as together because the issues you are dealing with are yours. She's been honest and made her feelings known and is showing you that she wants to work this out by agreeing to counseling. Worst case scenario: You invest time and money into counseling and you break up anyway - but you come away with a better understanding of yourself and how you handle relationships. You will be a stronger person for it, even if you are nursing a broken heart at the same time. My husband and I have been to counseling. It helped to save our marriage. When we started the counseling I was terrified that the therapist would tell us to split up, but that did not happen. The problems we thought were insurmountable were quite manageable after we were given the right tools and taught how to use them. You are reaching out by posting here - don't stop reaching now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author slidensidewayz Posted December 16, 2002 Author Share Posted December 16, 2002 We haven't talked since Friday and I am fearing the worst. I fear when she does decide to talk to me she will say thats it without even trying the counseling or anything. I have made the decision not to contact her and I am waiting for her to come to me and that is beginning to slowly wear me down Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted December 16, 2002 Share Posted December 16, 2002 It's a childish and dangerous game you are playing. Have you ever heard the old saying "Pride goeth before the fall" ? Think seriously about getting some counseling for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author slidensidewayz Posted December 16, 2002 Author Share Posted December 16, 2002 I am seeking the help for myself and have started going but how am I playing the game when she is the one that picks up and leaves, and doesn't even think to contact me????? Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 16, 2002 Share Posted December 16, 2002 If you need to go to counselling for something as small as this BEFORE you get married, how will the two of you handle major issues? Clearly you two don't communicate well and lack trust with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author slidensidewayz Posted December 16, 2002 Author Share Posted December 16, 2002 Debster you made comments about my other post so you know these are not only the small things you read what the other problems are also Link to post Share on other sites
Author slidensidewayz Posted December 16, 2002 Author Share Posted December 16, 2002 ok so shes been gone all weekend and on my way home today I passed her place of employment (which I had to do to get from point a to b) and her car wasn't there so I went to a friends house because I was terrified to come home thinking she didn't go to work today and came and cleaned out the house. So after he settled me down he agreed he would ride to the house with me incase she had. I got to the door and was so afraid to open it, but did and walked in and everything still remained which was a big sigh of relief to me but even before we left his house he told me everything would be there. He is a mutual friend and I swear he knows things I don't , but I guess it was a goos sign that she didn,y come get her things. Right???? Link to post Share on other sites
mimi Posted December 17, 2002 Share Posted December 17, 2002 Maybe you should try to put this all behind, and start taking an active role in the planning of this wedding. She is obviously trying in some way to make you realize that if you dont step up to the plate and be a man about getting married and all the details and such that occur in the planning process, that she can meet another who will do that. It's alot of work, and she shouldn't have to do it on her own. Maybe it's a sign that it 's not meant to be, but if you truly love her, stand up and be a man! Link to post Share on other sites
Author slidensidewayz Posted December 17, 2002 Author Share Posted December 17, 2002 Well I think today wil be my determining day here. I have yet to hear from her since Friday. I found out she didn't go to work yesterday and the guy that has a thing for her was also not around and I also found out he has called off for today, so give it an hour and I will find out if she made it to work or not. I have the feeling that if she isn't there today it's all a loss. Am I reading to far into this or do I have a good point? Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 17, 2002 Share Posted December 17, 2002 slidensidewayz - my response to your previous post was: WOAH! Think about what you two are doing to each other. This is not how you treat someone you love. What you've shown her: 1) You don't trust her 2) You think it's ok to spy on her 3) You've been physically abusive 4) You're playing stupid emotional games. Who would want to marry you? I stand by my earlier post. What I meant in my recent post about major issues, I meant things like serious illnesses, loss of a job, raising a child, etc. If you two can't trust each other and treat each other like dirt now, what's it going to be like when you go through the real tough stuff. If you think this is the tough stuff now, you have a lot to learn! Link to post Share on other sites
Author slidensidewayz Posted December 17, 2002 Author Share Posted December 17, 2002 Well I think it's pretty ignorant of her to take off since Friday and never say anything about wanting time or even to call or something to just let me know she is ok. But she isn't at work today and all I can do is assume the worst that she is shacked up with him somewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted December 17, 2002 Share Posted December 17, 2002 And ask yourself: "Is this the woman I want to spend my life with" More and more it looks to me like the blinders are coming off, but that you are lacking the nerve to do anything about it. A marriage requires good communication. I'm sorry to say this, but you two don't know how to communicate with each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author slidensidewayz Posted December 17, 2002 Author Share Posted December 17, 2002 I could have told you a long time ago that our communication sucks. But one of our mutual friends spoke with her today and she is at work and she did go away this weekend by herself and wasn't sleeping with anyone. So he had told me to straighten up and quit thinking the thoughts that I am. He has spoken to her on many occassions and has assured me that she loves me and only me Link to post Share on other sites
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