help Posted February 22, 2002 Share Posted February 22, 2002 i dont know what to do im in a relationship and my boyfriend divorced his wife in july when she left him i remeber him texting me at this time saying he fell like he wants to drive of a cliff. he also keeps all the photes of her and all the wedding phote and video do you think he still loves her? Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted February 22, 2002 Share Posted February 22, 2002 ABSOLUTELY! Move on sweetie. He is not emotionally available to you. i dont know what to do im in a relationship and my boyfriend divorced his wife in july when she left him i remeber him texting me at this time saying he fell like he wants to drive of a cliff. he also keeps all the photes of her and all the wedding phote and video do you think he still loves her? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 22, 2002 Share Posted February 22, 2002 First, it wasn't a good idea to be dating someone who was in the process of a divorce. He will always associate you with this dark time in his life. You are a transitory, transitional or healing relationship for him at this time and those don't last. Sure, he still has a great connection to his ex wife. He may even get back with her. In any case, when he heals fully you'll most likely be history. It sounds like he still has strong feelings for her or other hurt associated with his former marriage. For sure, he is not into you like he should be. If he still keeps her photos, wedding photos, and videos around he surely has not let go of that marriage. When he messaged you that he wanted to drive off a cliff, didn't that tell you something??? It tells me that he did not consider you important enough to make any major difference in his life at that time...or even now. Move on, just like Angel said. This will not be a happening thing for you. He doesn't realize it perhaps but he's using you big time as some comfort during his mourning period. When he no longer needs that comfort, you'll be out of his life. Don't let him make a fool out of you and don't even do this again to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
PooPoo Bear Posted February 22, 2002 Share Posted February 22, 2002 I may be the odd man out here, but my ex husband and I have a great friendship even after three years of separation. We talk on a weekly basis and have managed to salvage the non-romantic/non-sexual part of our relationship despite our irreconcilable marital issues. While I won't say it wasn't difficult to adjust, we have reached a point where we are very comfortable with our platonic level of connection. We even go out together w/our present significant others! I can't imagine not having him as a friend - We have provided each other with a lot of moral support over the years, gone through many emotional and life altering experiences, etc. Your situation may be different in that your man's breakup was fairly recent, but my general feeling towards your question is that when a man and woman share such an intense relationship as marriage, there will always be feelings between them. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love and want to be with you. And it doesn't mean there are not issues that will continue between the two of them. I still love my ex husband dearly. But I am not in love with him. There is a huge difference - The same way you love your best friend, your brother, and your lover in very different ways... But then again, maybe I'm just off my rocker... Link to post Share on other sites
BeenThere Posted February 22, 2002 Share Posted February 22, 2002 The real credit for the success of this relationship should go to your "significant others." The both of them must be truely amazing people... You and your ex-husband are lucky, indeed! I may be the odd man out here, but my ex husband and I have a great friendship even after three years of separation. We talk on a weekly basis and have managed to salvage the non-romantic/non-sexual part of our relationship despite our irreconcilable marital issues. While I won't say it wasn't difficult to adjust, we have reached a point where we are very comfortable with our platonic level of connection. We even go out together w/our present significant others! I can't imagine not having him as a friend - We have provided each other with a lot of moral support over the years, gone through many emotional and life altering experiences, etc. Your situation may be different in that your man's breakup was fairly recent, but my general feeling towards your question is that when a man and woman share such an intense relationship as marriage, there will always be feelings between them. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love and want to be with you. And it doesn't mean there are not issues that will continue between the two of them. I still love my ex husband dearly. But I am not in love with him. There is a huge difference - The same way you love your best friend, your brother, and your lover in very different ways... But then again, maybe I'm just off my rocker... Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 22, 2002 Share Posted February 22, 2002 I don't think your situation is relevant in any way to help's. I'm sure your husband didn't threaten to drive off a cliff during your divorce. And I'm also sure he doesn't clutch his arms around your picture, his wedding pictures, videos, etc. The picture you paint of your divorce is an excellent one and obviously between two very mature people who had long ago detached romantically...but were LUCKY enough to find a basis for a lasting friendship anyway. What you have pulled off with your ex husband is not the norm in any fashion. You should be proud. Please be advised that what you have with your ex is by no means the way most divorces end up, especially not for a few years anyway. Usually, one partner or both are deeply hurt or deeply angry or both. Some even get violent and go over the edge. Help's situation is much different and I hope she doesn't read your post and think her guy's relationship with his ex is like yours. From what she wrote, it certainly seems as if he still has a great love attachment to his ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted February 22, 2002 Share Posted February 22, 2002 Great point!!!! This post-divorce relationship is rather unique. This does not happen often. I don't think your situation is relevant in any way to help's. I'm sure your husband didn't threaten to drive off a cliff during your divorce. And I'm also sure he doesn't clutch his arms around your picture, his wedding pictures, videos, etc. The picture you paint of your divorce is an excellent one and obviously between two very mature people who had long ago detached romantically...but were LUCKY enough to find a basis for a lasting friendship anyway. What you have pulled off with your ex husband is not the norm in any fashion. You should be proud. Please be advised that what you have with your ex is by no means the way most divorces end up, especially not for a few years anyway. Usually, one partner or both are deeply hurt or deeply angry or both. Some even get violent and go over the edge. Help's situation is much different and I hope she doesn't read your post and think her guy's relationship with his ex is like yours. From what she wrote, it certainly seems as if he still has a great love attachment to his ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Ed Posted February 22, 2002 Share Posted February 22, 2002 > i dont know what to do im in a relationship and my boyfriend divorced his wife in july when she left him i remeber him texting me at this time saying he fell like he wants to drive of a cliff. A lot of people FEEL LIKE driving off a cliff when they find themselves getting divorced. They also have a lot of other unusual feelings. There is a big difference between FEELING LIKE driving off a cliff and THREATENING TO or ACTUALLY DOING IT. How does he act now? Does he talk about her often? Does he seem unhappy or depressed? he also keeps all the photes of her and all the wedding phote and video do you think he still loves her? Keeping old photos or videos does not mean he still loves his ex-wife...but it could. People keep this kind of stuff for a variety of reasons, some good and some not so good. There is no sure way to tell from the little information you posted here. People who get divorced and have children often keep this kind of stuff, thinking that their children or grandchildren will want it some day. My amount of concern here kind of depends on why and where he keeps this stuff. If it's up on the walls, on shelves or in commonly used drawers...it's a problem. If it's packed in a box, put away and for the most part forgotten about...maybe it isn't a problem. It's obviously bothering you. So tell us, where does he keep this stuff? Have you asked him why he is keeping this stuff? If so, what reason did he give for keeping it? Link to post Share on other sites
velvet Posted February 22, 2002 Share Posted February 22, 2002 After divorce, usually they do use someone as the trasitional one. But not in every case. I know someone now who found his wife cheating, she left him, and went home to a big empty house to cry day after day. Well after about a month into the seperation a women seduced him. They are still together now after five years and she has planned a wedding this Oct. "The lady, also a friend of mine, has decided that I shouldnt be one of her brides maids becasue we had a falling out" "but thats a whole other story" But these two people are happy. You may or may not be the trasitional one to help him through his crisis. But I'm sure that when he said he wanted to drive off a cliff it was over stress. If you take it seriously, than I would take him to a doctor. In the mean time, if you feel like he treats you good, and your happy than get all you can of that from him. He may stay, he may not. First, it wasn't a good idea to be dating someone who was in the process of a divorce. He will always associate you with this dark time in his life. You are a transitory, transitional or healing relationship for him at this time and those don't last. Sure, he still has a great connection to his ex wife. He may even get back with her. In any case, when he heals fully you'll most likely be history. It sounds like he still has strong feelings for her or other hurt associated with his former marriage. For sure, he is not into you like he should be. If he still keeps her photos, wedding photos, and videos around he surely has not let go of that marriage. When he messaged you that he wanted to drive off a cliff, didn't that tell you something??? It tells me that he did not consider you important enough to make any major difference in his life at that time...or even now. Move on, just like Angel said. This will not be a happening thing for you. He doesn't realize it perhaps but he's using you big time as some comfort during his mourning period. When he no longer needs that comfort, you'll be out of his life. Don't let him make a fool out of you and don't even do this again to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
velvet Posted February 22, 2002 Share Posted February 22, 2002 It's normal keep pictures, videos, ect. as long as its not under the covers with him at night. Yes, I know couples that have been divorced from cheating, backstabing, ect.. they can go out toether with their new better half's to comedy clubs, night clubs, dinner, christmas parties. They too feel that what their doing is odd, and out of the norm. but they can do it. They get a kick out of it sometimes. I don't think your situation is relevant in any way to help's. I'm sure your husband didn't threaten to drive off a cliff during your divorce. And I'm also sure he doesn't clutch his arms around your picture, his wedding pictures, videos, etc. The picture you paint of your divorce is an excellent one and obviously between two very mature people who had long ago detached romantically...but were LUCKY enough to find a basis for a lasting friendship anyway. What you have pulled off with your ex husband is not the norm in any fashion. You should be proud. Please be advised that what you have with your ex is by no means the way most divorces end up, especially not for a few years anyway. Usually, one partner or both are deeply hurt or deeply angry or both. Some even get violent and go over the edge. Help's situation is much different and I hope she doesn't read your post and think her guy's relationship with his ex is like yours. From what she wrote, it certainly seems as if he still has a great love attachment to his ex. Link to post Share on other sites
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