Should I tell him?

[Window]

Paul and I were in a serious relationship for 3 years, until we started fighting a lot (bickering about stupid things) and we decided to take a break. That was about September 2001. In November, we got back together and decided to reconcile and try the relationship again. (Hey, it worked for 3 years, and we still had very strong feelings for each other).

 

Between September and November, I was seeing Joe. Joe was nice and everything, but I always got the feeling that he was one of those guys who liked to play the field. It didn't really bother me at the time since I wasn't looking for a serious relationship anyways. Joe was nice, but he really wasn't Paul.

 

Paul and I are together now, and I love him with all my heart (as I always did). But a few weeks ago, I wasn't sure where I stood until Joe randomly called me. Joe asked me out, and since I didn't feel totally secure with Paul, I accepted (OKAY, I KNOW THAT WAS STUPID). I didn't actually go out with Joe because I said something to Paul about it and he blew up. After that, I knew where I stood (believe me, I was happy that Paul got angry, I found out how he felt and I deserved it anyways). Now that we are serious again, I'm happy.

 

Here's my problem: School started today and I ran into Joe. He came up behind me and hugged me! I forgot about him and never called him to tell him that I was in a relationship (I don't like confrontations, and I deleted his number in my phone). He never called me back for like a month (shows what kind of guy he is)! I didn't come right out and say that I didn't want anything to do with him, but I made it clear with the way I was acting (basically not trying to keep the conversation going and not being friendly or polite). I know if I saw him again, I will tell him what's going on, but it just would have felt awkward right then (and I don't like confrontations). I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH JOE! I LOVE PAUL!

 

Should I tell Paul what happened? I think it would just make him angry. But I hate keeping secrets from him. I want to tell him so that he knows that I don't want anything to do with Joe, but I don't want him to get mad at me for bringing up his name. Guys, what do you think?

[anon]

You are acting immaturely.

 

Tell Joe you are in a relationship.

 

Stop avoiding uncomfortable moments such as that.

 

Not doing so makes me think that you like having this other guy on tap as a safety valve for when Paul bugs you.

 

No need to really tell Paul unless you need him to control your behavior.

 

But if you need him to control your behavior, that is a huge problem.

 

I mean, is the only thing that is keeping you from sleeping with Joe is that Paul is treating you better at the moment?

 

If you have an argument, will you find an excuse to run into Joe and screw him?

[Tony T]

You don't need to tell Paul a thing. That's not even an issue.

 

The next time you see Joe, tell him hello and tell him you are in a wonderful relationship and extremely happy. There's nothing confrontational about that at all, it's a statement of fact and information Joe needs to know if he's still interested in you in some way.

 

That should take care of it.

 

Don't make such a big issue out of this.

[window]

who said anything about sleeping with joe? I never slept with joe. you're an a**h***.

[anon]

Even if you didn't sleep with him, why offended at that?

 

No matter, if you did or didn't, if you are in a committed relationship you really have to give up the casual ones.

 

If you are not in a committed relationship, do what you want.

 

Your opinion of me does not change that basic idea.

 

It's good practice to learn this lesson before you going much further in the serious relationship category - like marriage.

[BeenThere]

I think your claim to "not liking confrontations" is a cop-out. Why would you assume Joe would become *confrontational* if he learned about Paul? Especially since you already stated Joe went a month without even contacting you at all?

 

I quote..."that's the kind of guy he is"...

 

During the brief time you were with Joe, you admit that neither of you were interested in a "relationship." And given your discription of Joe's ambivilance, it doesn't sound like *jealousy* (at least on Joe's part) is an issue here.

 

And I can't help but wonder why you would even consider telling Paul about Joe, without FIRST telling Joe about Paul...given your fear of "confrontation," of course.

 

Here's how I see it...

 

Your keeping Joe on the sidelines so you can use your association with him to trigger Paul's jealousy. It made you feel *good*...even "wanted"...when Paul "blew up" over your dinner plans with Joe. And rightfully so!

 

Sorry to be so frank, but I think you're manipulating BOTH of these men. This isn't "love," its highschool head-games. Clean up your act and stop pitting the two of them against each other. "Stupid" is a kind term to discribe your behavior here. If you continue acting like a looser, you'll eventually end up one...

 

Paul and I were in a serious relationship for 3 years, until we started fighting a lot (bickering about stupid things) and we decided to take a break. That was about September 2001. In November, we got back together and decided to reconcile and try the relationship again. (Hey, it worked for 3 years, and we still had very strong feelings for each other). Between September and November, I was seeing Joe. Joe was nice and everything, but I always got the feeling that he was one of those guys who liked to play the field. It didn't really bother me at the time since I wasn't looking for a serious relationship anyways. Joe was nice, but he really wasn't Paul. Paul and I are together now, and I love him with all my heart (as I always did). But a few weeks ago, I wasn't sure where I stood until Joe randomly called me. Joe asked me out, and since I didn't feel totally secure with Paul, I accepted (OKAY, I KNOW THAT WAS STUPID). I didn't actually go out with Joe because I said something to Paul about it and he blew up. After that, I knew where I stood (believe me, I was happy that Paul got angry, I found out how he felt and I deserved it anyways). Now that we are serious again, I'm happy. Here's my problem: School started today and I ran into Joe. He came up behind me and hugged me! I forgot about him and never called him to tell him that I was in a relationship (I don't like confrontations, and I deleted his number in my phone). He never called me back for like a month (shows what kind of guy he is)! I didn't come right out and say that I didn't want anything to do with him, but I made it clear with the way I was acting (basically not trying to keep the conversation going and not being friendly or polite). I know if I saw him again, I will tell him what's going on, but it just would have felt awkward right then (and I don't like confrontations). I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH JOE! I LOVE PAUL!

 

Should I tell Paul what happened? I think it would just make him angry. But I hate keeping secrets from him. I want to tell him so that he knows that I don't want anything to do with Joe, but I don't want him to get mad at me for bringing up his name. Guys, what do you think?