Jiveturkey Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 I'm a 22 yr old man dating a 22 yr old woman. I've been dating my girlfriend for about 2 months now and she is almost perfect. She's beautiful, has a great personality, and has an amazing sex drive. She is more than I could ask for and apperars to be compltley interested in me. There's only one problem. About 3 months before we started dating she was in a 2-3 month "relationship" with a guy that I live with (I'm in a fraternity). The relationshp was "purely" sexual according to her, and claims they never really "dated". I was around while this was going on but didn't know her very well at the time. Eventually things fizzled between them as he started to play the a**h*** 24-7 and she got sick of it. To give her credit she was coming out of a 2 yr. breakup 6 months prior. I actually met her briefly 3 months before the two of them got together and she claims the reason she never considered me as a potential partner is because she assumed I was some type of player. I never intended on getting in a relationship with this girl based on the fact that she had been with one of my fraternity brothers, but after she got to know me she was extremely persistent and I thought I would regret it if I didn't give it a shot. Now I'm really getting feelings for this girl and I'm having trouble getting over the fact that she slept with one of my brothers for 2 months despite his abusive nature. I believe she originally was pursuing a relationship with him and it just turned into a sex thing after a month or so despite what she says. I've also found out recently that many of her current friends dated her at one point. I've never met a girl who kept ties with so many ex's. To be honest it kind of bothers me hanging out with them as well, knowing at one point them and my girlfriend were together. I don't understand why knowing this stuff is bothering me so much. There is nothing she can do to change it and she has said over and over again how much she regrets her decision to go with my fraternity brother. She is also completly devoted to me right now and I know I can trust her, yet it still makes me furious some times, I think mostly at myself for not pursuing her before she made the mistake of hooking up with my fraternity brother. I discussed the situation with her before we started going out officially and I talked to her about him the other day but it's like beating a dead horse I don't know what I'm looking for her to say that she already hasn't. I have yet to tell her how much it has been bothering me but I'm not so sure it would help if I did. Anyway, I guess I'm just looking for a way to get over or rationalize the situation. I really like this girl and I don't want this to ruin our relationship. Any advice is apprectiated. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 How long till you are out of college? Is it the sex or the connection at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jiveturkey Posted June 27, 2006 Author Share Posted June 27, 2006 How long till you are out of college? Is it the sex or the connection at all? I won't graduate until a year from now. The way my school works is I'll be in school from october to december and then off from jan. to april and back on from april to june. What do you mean? Is what the sex or the connection? If you're asking what bothers me the most about the situation I suppose it would be the connection. If I didn't know or live with the guy then I don't think it would bother me nearly as much, if at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jiveturkey Posted June 27, 2006 Author Share Posted June 27, 2006 I suppose it might also be worth mentioning that this is the first "real" girlfriend I've had. I'm a Senior in College and the last time I seriously dated someone was my freshman year of high school. I kind of swore off relationships for the following 7 years and just had friends with benefiets and one night stands. I think this may be why I'm having issues with these feelings, I've never really felt them before. Link to post Share on other sites
ronnieromance Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 Now do you see why frats are dangerous? -R- Link to post Share on other sites
Laura_t Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 My boyfriend feel's the same about some of my friends... My best friend in school was a boy and now he envies him because he thinks i'm really close to him. To tell you the truth, i don't really like my ex best friend at all... he turned into a prat Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jiveturkey Posted June 27, 2006 Author Share Posted June 27, 2006 Now do you see why frats are dangerous? -R- I'm pretty certain this type of situation is last thing you need to worry about when you join a fraternity. Blaming my fraternity is like blaming a city for a murder, granted if the city didn't exist the murder wouldn't have happened but the city isn't at fault. Fraternities aren't like what they're portrayed as in the media. If you haven't been in one I wouldn't suggest commenting on them, because you think you know but really have no idea. Anyone have any real advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Breed Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 I know what you're going through, i'm in the same situation in a way. My gf has dated a couple of her friends in her "circle" and f***ed a couple more on one night stands. We all have history, and even though i talk to her ex's and get on with them, you can't help feel a little weird. Sometime i get jealous if she spends a lot of time with them when we're down the pub or if she gets a txt or what-not, but you just kinda have to deal with it. What is it that bother you the most? the fact your friends got "into" her first? The fact she may have had emotional feelings with these guys first but b/cus the guys treated her crap she's moved onto you? or something else? Sounds like you got a good deal with this one mate anyways, trust her, and enjoy your time together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jiveturkey Posted June 30, 2006 Author Share Posted June 30, 2006 I know what you're going through, i'm in the same situation in a way. My gf has dated a couple of her friends in her "circle" and f***ed a couple more on one night stands. We all have history, and even though i talk to her ex's and get on with them, you can't help feel a little weird. Sometime i get jealous if she spends a lot of time with them when we're down the pub or if she gets a txt or what-not, but you just kinda have to deal with it. What is it that bother you the most? the fact your friends got "into" her first? The fact she may have had emotional feelings with these guys first but b/cus the guys treated her crap she's moved onto you? or something else? Sounds like you got a good deal with this one mate anyways, trust her, and enjoy your time together. I think what bothers me the most is that she was so quick to jump into bed with this guy, and then continue to let him use her. However, it was kind of mutual. She has a pretty strong sex drive, especially once she gets a couple drinks in her, she wanted to get laid and he was around and willing. It hurts me to know that I was around at the time yet she never thought of us as a possibility until things fell through with him. It also kind of bothers me that she started banging him just for the sake of banging in a way. What I mean is that we never had sex until I agreed to date her. I feel like I'm her last resort sometimes. She claims that she had a crush on me for a long time and now she always tells me how crazy she is about me and what not but it hurts to even think that I'm her second or third choice. It has only been getting worse lately because our relationship has been getting more and more serious and I don't know if I can deal with the fact that my girlfriend "sport f***ed" or was a "f*** friend" with one of my fraternity brothers, despite how crazy she is about me. Does that sound crazy or can you guys understand what I'm saying. One last thing that bothers me is the fact that if I had "sport f***ed" one of her roomates or friends I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have gone out with me for that reason. I just can't stand thinking about this s*** anymore, it keeps popping into my head and making me feel like s*** for way to long. I've been trying to let it go and focus on the current and the future but to no avail lately. I think I'm going to have to have a deep discussion with my girlfriend to finally decide whether I can get over this s*** or not. I told her yesterday what has been bothering me lately since she's noticed I've been kind of distant lately. I left it at telling her it was the original reason I wasn't going to date her coming back to bite me and I needed to work it out. We didn't talk about it since I didn't think anything she would say would make a difference, but I'm realizing more that I may have to get her opinion on the situation and tell her what I've been taking from it. Any opinions, advice, or comments on the situation are appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 I don't think this is odd at all, the way you are feeling. You feel that the fact that she didn't have a problem spreading the love to a jerk like that guy -- who is likely to comment at will to other folks that he got the goods without even having to spring for a burger -- makes it hard for you to value the access you have in a relationship -- basically, it makes a relationship seem that much more trivial, low value, etc. You won't get much sympathy from women on this since they don't see what a woman brings to the table quite the way we do. I think this will wear on you so long as you are staring the other dudes in the face every now and again. Personally, I put my time in on girls who've banged their male friends (for a bunch of different reasons, biggest one being it's hard to believe a girl like that when she talks about someone being "just a friend" when there were plenty of other "friends" who were rubbing one out with her, so there's no distinct line) and its not something I'm willing to do anymore. If you can take it light for now and just have fun, no long term plans or agenda, no big I love you, etc., and get out of college and move on it would probably get easier. The question is, is she worth wading through all this stuff? Only you can answer that. It's funny what you said though about her possible reaction if you'd banged her friends. An ex of mine used to wonder when we were at parties what the big deal was that I suddenly realized I was like the 5th guy in the room to bang her -- then one day she gave me s*** for taking her to a restaurant that I had taken another girl to back in high school. As I've said, there are plenty of double standards out there... Link to post Share on other sites
mattea Posted June 30, 2006 Share Posted June 30, 2006 ok, i can definitely understand why this would bother you. if i was living with a women who was recently sleeping with my boyfriend i'd have a pretty hard time with that. seriously, i do get why this would be uncomfortable and hard to put out of your mind. my b/f is friends with some of his exs and i'm friends with some of mine, and it is a little uncomfortable but most of those are very old relationships and not something really recent with a roommate of mine! there is something that bothers me though.... I kind of swore off relationships for the following 7 years and just had friends with benefiets and one night stands. I think this may be why I'm having issues with these feelings, I've never really felt them before. how come it's ok for you to have had "friends with benefits" and "one night stands" but not her? why was the fact that she kept sleeping with this guy her "letting him use her" rather than her getting some sex in her life for the time being? ok, so i know you were around and she just slept with him and then wouldn't sleep with you until you were dating. it sounds like they had a mutual agreement or understanding or whatever. yes, i know it's hard to think about but we're all human. maybe she just didn't feel ready for a relationship when she was sleeping with him, and the fact that she wanted to wait until you were dating may actually be a really good sign. why? because if i really like a guy or think he is relationship material i don't want to sleep with him right away because i don't want to screw things up by rushing them. if i can't see it being a real relationship - i'm not into him or i know he's just not into having a relationship or whatever - i might sleep with him because it's been awhile and i want sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jiveturkey Posted July 1, 2006 Author Share Posted July 1, 2006 ok, i can definitely understand why this would bother you. if i was living with a women who was recently sleeping with my boyfriend i'd have a pretty hard time with that. seriously, i do get why this would be uncomfortable and hard to put out of your mind. my b/f is friends with some of his exs and i'm friends with some of mine, and it is a little uncomfortable but most of those are very old relationships and not something really recent with a roommate of mine! there is something that bothers me though.... how come it's ok for you to have had "friends with benefits" and "one night stands" but not her? why was the fact that she kept sleeping with this guy her "letting him use her" rather than her getting some sex in her life for the time being? ok, so i know you were around and she just slept with him and then wouldn't sleep with you until you were dating. it sounds like they had a mutual agreement or understanding or whatever. yes, i know it's hard to think about but we're all human. maybe she just didn't feel ready for a relationship when she was sleeping with him, and the fact that she wanted to wait until you were dating may actually be a really good sign. why? because if i really like a guy or think he is relationship material i don't want to sleep with him right away because i don't want to screw things up by rushing them. if i can't see it being a real relationship - i'm not into him or i know he's just not into having a relationship or whatever - i might sleep with him because it's been awhile and i want sex. I honestly haven't had that many one night stands or friends w/ benefits. Especially recently. I can count how many people I've slept with on one hand. Maybe it's just because sex is a very personal thing for me. I very rarley can have sex without emotionally becoming attached in one way or another. As far as them just having sex for the sake of sex, it still bothers me because it's not something I personally could do for that long of a period. A one night stand is one thing, but a 3 month stand. That and I'm pretty certain there were alterier motives like I said. I think she started banging him with the intentions of starting a relationship and then slowly realized he didn't want one. But I can't be sure of that. I really need to talk to her about this but every time I see her I can't bear to bring it up cause I know it's going to hurt her. I can't imagine what she would go through if we broke up because she made the mistake of sleeping with him for 3 months. On the same note I don't know how much longer I can allow this to mindf*** me. Link to post Share on other sites
Breed Posted July 1, 2006 Share Posted July 1, 2006 I think your suffering from the typical: "My girlfriend had a slutty phase" syndrome. All our girlfriends did, all the hot ones anyways. Everyone explores their sexuality especially when their young, be thankful that shes with you now and in a committed relationship. Im english and no nothing about fraternities, but i get the basic gist, so i would go up to this guy, let him know whats going on and tell him how you dont wanna hear any crap about the past between him and her, because it belongs in the past. But you, try and be nice but firm. Then you can get on with your magical life Link to post Share on other sites
mattea Posted July 1, 2006 Share Posted July 1, 2006 it sounds like you're really struggling with trying to understand what this sexual relationship meant to her. given that having casual, emotionally detached sex with someone for 3 months is something that you can't imagine doing yourself, i can see why you'd feel that way. and then she's told you there wasn't emotional involvment or hope for a relationship on her part, but you're having trouble believing that, which I can also understand. i recently wrote a post about holding in things that are bothering me because i didn't want to make things worse or be "unreasonable". and you don't want to talk to her because you don't want to hurt her and yet you're bursting at the seams, right? i got some good advice in response to my post about communication. in line with that advice, i think you do need to talk it out with her in a non-blaming way. let her know that you're really having trouble accepting the relationship (sexual or otherwise) with him and that you need her to help you by talking about it. be honest about your feelings and ask for what you need from her. i know it's scary to ask things when maybe you'll hear something you don't want to hear, and it also puts you in a vulnerable place to have to express hurt or jealousy, but i think if you can do it (in a non-blaming way), it might help the two of you get closer and relieve some of your anxieties. it sounds like this girl really is into you and cares about you, so i'll bet she'd be willing to talk about it if she knows it's hurting you and she doesn't feel attacked. and it sounds like you don't want to lose her over this, and it would be a shame. Link to post Share on other sites
ashnicole Posted July 1, 2006 Share Posted July 1, 2006 Worrying about it isn't going to fix anything. It's not going to change the past at all... and if anything, it may risk you losing your relationship with this girl. If she notices how much this bothers you, and she knows that there's nothing she can say to change it, she may just not even think it's worth it, give up, and leave. I'm not sure what to tell you to make you feel better, except for the fact that you need to look at the situation. YOU are the one that's with her, YOU are the one she wants to be with, and YOU are the one that she's sleeping with... so why does anyone/anything else in her past matter? It shouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jiveturkey Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 Worrying about it isn't going to fix anything. It's not going to change the past at all... and if anything, it may risk you losing your relationship with this girl. If she notices how much this bothers you, and she knows that there's nothing she can say to change it, she may just not even think it's worth it, give up, and leave. I'm not sure what to tell you to make you feel better, except for the fact that you need to look at the situation. YOU are the one that's with her, YOU are the one she wants to be with, and YOU are the one that she's sleeping with... so why does anyone/anything else in her past matter? It shouldn't. I see your point, and it is the logical way to think about the situation. I just wish my emotions followed logic, unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Over the past few days I think it's been getting better. It still bothers me immensly but I haven't been turning it over in my mind for hours on end. Hopefully the trend continues and I can get over it in time. I suppose if I'm still having issues coping after the next week or two I'll be forced to confront her about it and decide what course of action I'll be taking from there. The only thing that still bothers me about the entire situation is the double standard. If she had been in my shoes I don't think things would have turned out the same way, which makes it harder for me to accept what happened. I've been trying to not let any of this tarnish my outlook on her and our relationship and keep things positive and it's been improving slowly. I think spending alot of time with her has helped keep my mind off it, that and I honestly believe being able to discuss it freely on this board has helped. I appreciate all the feedback and hope you all the best in your own ventures. I'll keep you guys updated on how things are working out over the next couple weeks, and hopefully this thread can come of some use to someone with a similair issue in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted July 3, 2006 Share Posted July 3, 2006 I think your suffering from the typical: "My girlfriend had a slutty phase" syndrome. All our girlfriends did, all the hot ones anyways. Interesting. The select few very attractive women I have dated were relatively innocent, while the trashy pigs I got blind dates with were the slutty ones. I guess it depends on the person and their level of respect for themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jiveturkey Posted July 3, 2006 Author Share Posted July 3, 2006 Interesting. The select few very attractive women I have dated were relatively innocent, while the trashy pigs I got blind dates with were the slutty ones. I guess it depends on the person and their level of respect for themselves. She didn't really have a "slutty" phase, at least not from my understanding. If I thought she was any kind of a slut we wouldn't be dating. She definitly had the opportunity to sleep with some of the bigger players/talkers/manwhores in the house but chose the guy she did because he is percieved as a "nice guy" by almost everyone and isn't considered any kind of player. This is what in part leads me to believe she originally had intentions of initiating a relationship with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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