Anyone have insight on Domestic violence?

[hooghie]

I'm taking a few cases (pro bono) to help batterred women. As I have never been a victim of domestic violence - I have a hard time understanding some things and don't want to be judgmental so I'm hoping someone can help me understand a few things:

 

1. Why is it that batterred women go from one batterer to another?

2. Outside of financial concerns and fear for their life, are there other reasons battered women keep going back to their batterers?

3. When does the first instance of violence (or severe emotional abuse that leads to physical ailments) occur?

4. How can I stop myself from being judgmental?

 

Any insight/personal knowledge on the topic would be greatly appreciated!

[Becoming]

Answer to #1, 2, 4--They just don't know any better. They believe all the lies they've been told by the abuser--it's their fault, they're worthless, etc. They've been brainwashed and need deprogrammed, like from being in a cult. Read up on the Stockholm syndrome. Same thing. Many were abused as children, so these kinds of relationships are normal to them.

 

Check out the abuse threads for insights from those who've been there.

[Outcast]

There are a lot of websites on DV and the issues around it. I would think that your city must have a DV hotline - call them and ask to have a consultation with one of the experts. And, yes, do a search on 'abuse' and its variations here on LS and read the threads.

 

NIH has a good list of resources for starters:

 

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/domesticviolence.html

[csfong007]

I'm taking a few cases (pro bono) to help batterred women. As I have never been a victim of domestic violence - I have a hard time understanding some things and don't want to be judgmental so I'm hoping someone can help me understand a few things:

 

1. Why is it that batterred women go from one batterer to another?

2. Outside of financial concerns and fear for their life, are there other reasons battered women keep going back to their batterers?

3. When does the first instance of violence (or severe emotional abuse that leads to physical ailments) occur?

4. How can I stop myself from being judgmental?

 

Any insight/personal knowledge on the topic would be greatly appreciated!

 

1. Usually they say it's because of low self esteem. Fortunately in my case, I was physically abused just once.

 

2. food, shelter, children, they don't have skills or jobs themselves.

 

3. That's a pretty impossible question. You're asking when did someone first physically abuse us? For some, it's the first date, for others, it's after a month. Each situation is different.

 

4. Why in the world are you judgmental? You must think you're better than everyone else. I take it you're an attorney...maybe that's part of the problem...some attorneys tend to be aloof and have a superiority complex. You should be compassionate rather than judgmental. Don't pretend to know what others are going through until you've walked in their shoes.

[hooghie]

csfong007,

 

Thanks for your response. As far as being judgmental- I guess it's hard for me to understand why someone either goes back to their batterer after their life and/or their children's lives and safety have been put in jeopardy. I can understand why it is hard to leave in the first place, but once he/she leaves and has another option- why do so many go back?

 

I am very compassionate about the situation which is why I'm doing the pro bono work and want to be more involved. I also think part of being a good attorney MEANS putting yourself in that situation which is what I'm trying to do so (as best as possible) so that I can better help someone. I wouldn't have asked these questions if I 'knew what others were going through.'

[Lonestar]

Order and read the book The Betrayal Bond before representing any of these women. Until you understand why they stayed, and are no longer questioning or judging these women, you should not be representing them.

[sparowmom]

wish that I had no insight about this matter but unfortunately I do. I am a DV survivor free for 10yrs now.....

 

 

1. Why is it that battered women go from one batterer to another?

 

((We have a sign on our forehead that only abusers can see!!!)))

"Just kidding, but not really"

Something about us makes us vulnerable to an Abuser. There are many "types" of abusers as there are "types" of victims.. But I would say that among the many different traits that causes an abuser to seek us out is that we (the victims) are of a very trusting nature, always wanting to see only the good in people..

That said, we do not go out actively seeking this type of person......

 

2. Outside of financial concerns and fear for their life, are there other reasons battered women keep going back to their batterers?

When children are involved, they use that to their advantage... (the children may not even be the biological children of the abuser) The threat of losing your child ((even to idle threats & lies)) is a major factor. These people are ""Major"" manipulators to family, community, friends, workplace,... etc... When they tell you that they will tell everyone that it is your fault in order to destroy you.... You know they can... only because you never let anyone know that you were being abused.....

 

It then gets worse...... You finally get the nerve to call 911... The abuser is arrested, you get a restraining order (perhaps not, as this is early in the game) but you go back because they will not let you go....

Bottom line....... be it emotional or a gun to your head.... you must go back because of self preservation.......

 

3. When does the first instance of violence (or severe emotional abuse that leads to physical ailments) occur?

Good question.... I guess for me it was the moment I was abused & was in denial..... Meaning, I did not tell anyone because of embarrassment.. The healing did not begin until I found my "Voice" & began to speak out to the world of my experience..... The "ailments" occur & grow from the first moment of "abuse" perhaps beginning long before the last abuser & the need for legal help.....

 

4. How can I stop myself from being judgmental?

I would suggest spending some time in a DV shelter, attending their counseling session..

The biggest impact for you would to sign up as a "Safe House" as you would then be able to witness first hand the effects on a "person" & possibly children within the crucial first hours of a Victims agony.... Be aware that you are likely expected to show compassion at 2-5am at very short notice....

 

but once he/she leaves and has another option- why do so many go back?

 

A gun to ones head will do wonders!!! as does the stalking & the fact theat they know that the Court System has not real ability to exclude them from your life.... Especially if you have children in common.....

Unless one is "REALLY Done" it is much easier to go back than to deal with the constant harassment directed at you & at times, extended family...

 

 

((((and has another option-))))

Unless the option is more than temporary there is not option... Do you think temporary shelter helps??? Can one maintain a sense of "Normal life" within a shelter??? What do you say to the children???? What can you say to a child when they ask you.... when they can I go back home & sleep in My own bed & play with My own toys???? Not every one has a family to take them in. Even if they do, it can't be forever........

 

In ending......... Not every battered person is uneducated & a welfare case.........

My story???? I am college educated..... (Female) I found myself involved with an abuser. As usual he did not show the abusive side until it was too late... He was the 2nd after I vowed never to be in that situation again..... Long story short........ my first beating was the first weekend of our co-habitation...... (The only person I told was my long time childhood friend) I then became pregnant after several more beatings....... & the very first time I made public the abuse(months later) was the first time he was arrested, the first time I called 911, the first time my family was made aware of my situation, & of course..... The First time I left........ I went back & left 5 more times before I was able to break free.......

I did not leave until I was strong enough to leave..... Even then he attempted to stalk & abuse me for almost a year.....

Only when I was strong enough to take away his control (& he knew he had no control) did the abuse finally stop.........

 

In conclusion, I must say that I question your motive.. At the very least, I question your status as an Attorney (as to your question of "compassion" is quite unusual as it is not a matter of Law) I am most likely to think that you are a "Law Student" or perhaps an overly curious person...

 

Should you desire more insight.. Let me know

 

Regards,

[Groovy]

1-Why is it that battered women go from one batterer to another

I've never been physically abused but I think it is like I make excuses for drug users or alcoholics. I have it in my family, I grew up around it and don't see it as out of the norm, a red flag like some people might. It doesn't make me as uncomfortable as it should because I've had it every day of my life. And I pass it off as other things out of ingrained habits when I shouldn't from when my father was drunk, my brother's did drugs, etc.

 

2- Outside of financial concerns and fear for their life, are there other reasons battered women keep going back to their batterers?

Some women believe they deserve to be struck. With the physical abuse also comes a slow trickle of verbal abuse whittling down self esteem to be self loathing.

 

3-When does the first instance of violence (or severe emotional abuse that leads to physical ailments) occur?

I'm very glad you brought this up because it may explain why you can't understand how a girl gets caught in abuse. I was dating this guy until last week. I pulled records on him like I do anyone (not too trustful) and he had 7 counts of assaulting his wife. Was he an abuser before the ring went on? Who knows but it could have been years down the road when kids and marraige were already established. To me he seemed like the nicest guy on the face of the planet and to her he probably did in the beginning too. Abusers never show their true cards in the start and often it happens slowly where you don't even see it happening.

 

4- All you can do is get to know these people, listen. Reading books and visiting shelters is not a bad idea. And just realize you are not in the world's shoes, you only have worn your own. Things that seem one way to you seem another way to another human. A big step is realizing that you are judgemental and trying to learn how to open your mind.

[Mary3]

Anyone have insight on Domestic violence?

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I'm taking a few cases (pro bono) to help batterred women. As I have never been a victim of domestic violence - I have a hard time understanding some things and don't want to be judgmental so I'm hoping someone can help me understand a few things:

 

1. Why is it that batterred women go from one batterer to another?

2. Outside of financial concerns and fear for their life, are there other reasons battered women keep going back to their batterers?

3. When does the first instance of violence (or severe emotional abuse that leads to physical ailments) occur?

4. How can I stop myself from being judgmental?

 

Any insight/personal knowledge on the topic would be greatly appreciated!

------------------------------

 

As a former victim of domestic violence ( abuse free now for 8 years ) I can speak honestly about this subject.

 

1. The woman picks abusers because she feels she is not worth someone better. She does not have high self esteem. I have to tell you that I was not aware of * how * I felt about myself at the time. I did not know . I was not raised in a physically abusive environment but a more emotionally neglectful environment where my nuturing and loving needs were not met. I sought them out through men that were in pain, were down and I thought I could help them. Their protective guise of jealousy and possesiveness solidified my need for being important.

 

2. Women are controlled by fear, How is it you ask that she could possibly go back to that ? Its the familiar . Its what she knows. Its brainwashed into her that there will be total consequences and devastation if she leaves. She wont make it on her own . Its total mind control. He controls because he has to keep her there . Thats his coping mechanism.

 

3. The first instance of violence is usually a small clue. A harsh word . A slam of fist on the wall. That freaks her out. He must care ? He is so mad. Only later does she discover that he outbursts are the beginning of nightmare to come.

 

4. I think being less judgemental will come with practice. As you help the abused woman you become better informed. Instead of lashing out with your own opinions you step into the sad world of the abused.

Good Luck with your practice !

[hooghie]

Thank you sparowmom, Groovy, & Mary3. I really appreciate your insight & honesty. Your Answers have really helped me gain a better understanding and have also shown me what I need to do to further learn and understand.

I am also very impressed with the strength you have by leaving your batterer.

 

Sparowmom, I am an attorney. I had a very successful career in another field that was not self fulfilling because I did not feel that I am a contributor to the community the way I wanted to be. I went to law school for only one reason- to help others. I started law school with the intent of being a human rights lawyer, but have decided to specialize in women's rights. That is where the compassion comes from. There are actually quite a few lawyers who are very compassionate.

[Mary3]

Sparowmom , I think its wonderful that you have decided to go in the direction of helping the abused victims in our society ( notice I did not say women exclusively because as a previous poster pointed out, there are men who are abused as well )

 

I think the idea of visiting on a regular basis the DV shelter is a super idea. When I was there for strictly counseling we had 3 types of the abused.

1. Those in active abuse situations who had not left yet.

2. Those who were in the middle of leaving .

3. Those who had completely left the situation ( me ) and could see the struggle these victims had to go through.

 

Some were in stages where they felt they caused everything and were fearing for their safety if they left.

 

Keep up the great work and thank you for caring about all of us.