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boyfriend didn't give a birthday present, no card, nothing


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Old 17th December 2005, 1:03 AM   #1
bdaygirl
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Unhappy boyfriend didn't give a birthday present, no card, nothing

I've been with my boyfriend nine months.
We're supposed to be really in love with each other, and in a serious committed relationship. We have been saying we want a future together.
Today was my birthday, and I got no card or flowers, and no present.
I'm totally in shock by this because he has pretty good income compared to most people.
I extremely care for his children, they are really great kids, but it's hard for me knowing that he totally spoils them and for me, no card even.
I told him how sad I was, and he said that he just doesn't send cards to anyone.
He said he didn't even get his daughter a present on her birthday, but he got her a brand new car and Ipod-------I'm not jealous, like I said, I really like the kids, and love that he's such a good father, but how much does that say about how he feels about me....when everyone else who is close to him gets spoiled, and I get not even a card....he spoils the kids and cheaps out on his girlfriend? I don't expect to be on their level, but right now am feeling like chopped liver....
It's not about presents, it's about the fact that sending flowers would be nothing for him as far as $ goes, and he put no effort into making my birthday special, he called and emailed and told me happy birthday and that's all.
I waited all day thinking I'd be surprised.
Basically, I feel weird about this and don't know about this relationship, although I've thought he was a great person, I feel like the last priority in his life and am considering ending it. All based on the birthday, it's making me feel really terrible. I love him, and thought he loved me, now I doubt that. Am I overreacting?
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Old 17th December 2005, 2:33 PM   #2
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I would be hurt....It IS the thought that counts....not the "price of the gift" or whatever....You should say that too him. "It's the thought that counts...could have been a simple red rose, card, something...a note on your pillow..." I would be pretty ticked....
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Old 17th December 2005, 2:34 PM   #3
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Ok, he did call and email...but still..............after being together for 9 months?? Not enough effort, in my humble opinion......I guess when his birthday rolls around you could give him what he "gave" you.....an email and call...and see his reaction......if you stay with him, that is what I would do....
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Old 17th December 2005, 3:18 PM   #4
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ohfercryinoutloud...

Get over yourself. So you didn't get another flower or another card that will soon be thrown out or something like that... so what? Maybe the guy's just not big into birthdays. That seems pretty clear since he didn't get his daughter anything either.

Did you ever tell him that you actually wanted something? Or did you just assume that "if he loves me, he'll get me something"?

He called, you tried guilt-induction, which is a good reason not to call anymore. Why would he now want to be in contact when you're going to pull off some immature shyt like that?

yea, I'm grumpy today

So, from what I understand, he's a warm and loving, respectful and caring gentleman, but you're considering ending the relationship because he didn't get you a card?

Do you know how ludicrous that sounds?
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Old 17th December 2005, 6:18 PM   #5
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Quote:
Basically, I feel weird about this and don't know about this relationship, although I've thought he was a great person, I feel like the last priority in his life and am considering ending it. All based on the birthday, it's making me feel really terrible. I love him, and thought he loved me, now I doubt that. Am I overreacting?
This is my experience with "no gift" holiday/birthday.

My ex hubby always remembered my bday every year. We never had much money, so the gifts were small. A card, dinner together. Time together.

One year he "forgot". Just forgot. I kept waiting, and waiting. but nothing. He forgot. I noticed he forgot me more and more. He was busy, didn't have much energy for me and our relationship. Valentines day rolled around, and he didn't get me anything. He wanted to hang out at the bar.

This was after years of gift giving and a pattern had been established of how bdays were treated. I gave him gifts on his bday, he gave on mine. So it's slightly different then your situation. BUT. I realized that he'd stopped putting me high on the priority list. He wanted me to stick around, but didn't want to put any effort in to the relationship.

I "forgot" his bday the two years after he started forgetting mine. He was furious. Sulked, moped around. It was pathetic. He acted like a baby.

Gauge this one off of how he treats you the rest of the time. My current bf doesn't like to celebrate his bday, but I'd already told him I wanted to spend the day with him, and do stuff together. So we did. I think he probably would've treated my bday as he wishes his was treated. Leave me alone for the day, call, but don't make a big deal out of it.

You really had needed to make your wishes and expectations better known prior to your bday. You'll have to evaluate the rest of your relationship on whether he places you low on his priority list. I think a 9 month gf should be slightly lower on the totem pole then the persons kids, but not bottom of the barrel.
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Old 17th December 2005, 11:06 PM   #6
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Birthday's may not be important to him. IF you want a big deal made of your birthday in the future you have to tell him that! How was he supposed to know? You say he did call and email you! That is great and I'm sure to him, that effort he made was supposed to mean something to you. The fact he called. Some guys wouldn't and possibly forget!

Look for his actions, and all the little things he does. That shows how much a man loves a woman...Doesn't always have to come in the form of a gift.
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Old 18th December 2005, 3:23 AM   #7
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If he doesn't celebrate his own daughter's birthday, then you're making a mistake getting upset about him not celebrating yours.
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Old 18th December 2005, 4:57 AM   #8
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She said he got his daughter a brand new car and an iPod on her birthday. Even if men don't really care that much about their birthday, how many women are here who don't? And if his daughter is old enough to drive a car, he surely must have met a couple of women in his life already?

But if he's nice otherwise I would ask him about it.
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Old 18th December 2005, 5:27 AM   #9
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I don't believe the car and Ipod were birthday gifts, though I could be wrong.
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Old 18th December 2005, 5:58 AM   #10
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I've never been with a 'serious' boyfriend who didn't get me something on my birthday!
I'd be hurt too!

And Slubber, you ARE grump today. Sheesh.

It's not about the 'stuff'. It's about someone thinking of you and caring enough to acknowledge, "Hey, for a few minutes today I'm going to remind you you're special....because I love you"

What's the big deal about that?

I'm sure the guy has things that matter to him too......and would care if she were insenstive about the things that mattered to him.

For example, my BF couldn't give two craps about birthday cards. But if I forget to say 'goodbye' to him in the morning when I leave for work it hurts his feelings.
Why? Because it matters to him
I could tell him, "Oh, get over yourself..." but I choose to remember to always say good bye before I leave.

Because to him, it represents respect and caring.


We all like to know that our loved ones care about us and respect us. Those little things people do for each other matter.
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Old 18th December 2005, 9:20 AM   #11
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Thank you to everyone who's been supportive in this issue, it may seem minor to some, but it's important to me for a couple reasons.

#1- He DID get his daughter a brand new and expensive car for her birthday, in fact he asked ME for ideas on what to get her, I had some ideas, and he came up with the ipod instead. The newest model, of course.

#2- The day AFTER my bday, he bought his son a new snowboard.

I want to make it clear that I am not jealous of the kids, but this man is wealthy by alot of people's definitions. And I am actually below the poverty line on paper. This man pays his ex-wife's rent, and buys everything she needs for her.

ALL I expected was a bday card or flowers! It's hard for me knowing that he totally spoils everyone else while I struggle, and then one special day comes around, and not even a card.
We are very very close, talking several times per day, planning a future together, I just spent a week at his house with his kids, it's a serious relationship....
But I feel too stressed out by the money difference and this bday thing put me over the edge to where I don't know if I want to deal with it anymore..
I'm not a selfish person.

And I don't understand why in a serious relationship like this, my first bday with him, why shouldn't I be disappointed? I told him how I felt and he didn't apologize, he didn't send flowers after the fact, either.
He had told me earlier this week that he's taking the kids to florida this month and may invite me and my son, said it would be like a second bday present- but now has not mentioned it again at all, and I never got a first bday present...I don't know if I want to be with someone that spoils their kids so much in front of me, and expects all other aspects of a relationship from me while cheaping out when it comes to me, and me only. Maybe it's some kind of test? Maybe he wants to make sure I'm not after his $?
That's why I only wanted a card or flowers.
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Old 18th December 2005, 1:57 PM   #12
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I think we are missing a critical piece of information here. You indicated that that he is not that into bdays, in fact did not get his daughter a bday present, but did buy her things on other occassions. You have not told us if he does the same for you.

If he consistently treats you like his last priority - that's one thing. But if he generally treats you great/special/whatever and simply didn't do the bday thing - then I'd say let it go. Over time teach him that these events are important to you - by making a big deal over his bday AND his kids bdays (regardless of how old they are).

Remember the reason you are hurt is not because he wanted to hurt you, but rather because he did not behave in the way you had hoped. This could just be a miscommunication.
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Old 18th December 2005, 7:28 PM   #13
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What I don't fully get is, how many dads would not get their daughters something for their birthday? And how many daughters would find it normal if they didn't get anything from their dad? And how many men did not get any presents from their parents on their birthday? So, how come that when they grow up, some just don't care that much anymore about birthdays anymore and don't understand it when their girlfriends would feel hurt?
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Old 18th December 2005, 7:47 PM   #14
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Some families simply don't bother with birthdays. What may be normal for you & I may not be normal for another. It's really not that big a deal.
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Old 18th December 2005, 7:51 PM   #15
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Smile Yes you are over reacting!

Quote:
Originally Posted by bdaygirl
I've been with my boyfriend nine months.
We're supposed to be really in love with each other, and in a serious committed relationship. We have been saying we want a future together.
Today was my birthday, and I got no card or flowers, and no present.
I'm totally in shock by this because he has pretty good income compared to most people.
I extremely care for his children, they are really great kids, but it's hard for me knowing that he totally spoils them and for me, no card even.
I told him how sad I was, and he said that he just doesn't send cards to anyone.
He said he didn't even get his daughter a present on her birthday, but he got her a brand new car and Ipod-------I'm not jealous, like I said, I really like the kids, and love that he's such a good father, but how much does that say about how he feels about me....when everyone else who is close to him gets spoiled, and I get not even a card....he spoils the kids and cheaps out on his girlfriend? I don't expect to be on their level, but right now am feeling like chopped liver....
It's not about presents, it's about the fact that sending flowers would be nothing for him as far as $ goes, and he put no effort into making my birthday special, he called and emailed and told me happy birthday and that's all.
I waited all day thinking I'd be surprised.
Basically, I feel weird about this and don't know about this relationship, although I've thought he was a great person, I feel like the last priority in his life and am considering ending it. All based on the birthday, it's making me feel really terrible. I love him, and thought he loved me, now I doubt that. Am I overreacting?


There is an age when we should stop expecting other people to make a big deal out of our birthdays..... Oh and that age is 11.
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