I'm totally hating life right now...

[Love2share]

I've read a lot of info about narcisist abusers and I've been abused in several relationships in the past. Mainly, I was taken advantage of, cheated on, degraded by my past BF's.

 

It's been nearly two years since my last LT relationship. Since then, I've dated a lot. I try to avoid getting into another abusive relationship by not trusting too much, but at the same time not be too untrusting.

 

Example, I usually forgive mistakes the first 2 or 3 times. But that only causes men to take advantage of me because they think they can get away with it. When I finally mention that a certain behavior bothers me, they pull away from me and label me a nagging b*tch.

 

And when I stand up for myself early in the relationship, I've had men call me a bitter b*tch since they believe I'm being so strong due to having been hurt in past relationships. So I don't know where to draw the line. Right now, it seems like I will have to settle for shallow FWB type relationships without love, forever. I am sooo frustrated about that. Why can't I do better?

[Enema]

Is this a serious question?

 

You have given no examples to help us analyze your situation.

You haven't mentioned the type of guys you find and where you find them.

 

It sounds like you're just finding the wrong guys, so the second question is probably more important. Where do you find your dates and "who" are they?

 

p.s. Don't persist 1 second longer than necessary in a relationship where you feel the other person thinks they are superior to you.

[Love2share]

Thank you Enema. I think the problem is that I usually put myself second in relationships, always making sure keep the other person happy. But the moment I express disatisfaction in the relationship, I wind up losing the man. He starts abusing me, cheating on me, ect.

 

I realize that I've dated the wrong type of men. And I meet them in many different places, like church, the library, grocery store, work, and parties. Somehow, maybe all this is my fault. But how can I change it when I don't know what to change? I always hope for the best in every man I meet, yet it turns out to be the same old situation over and over.

[Enema]

It sounds like you find men easily enough. (Let's face it, it's not hard to pick up a man).

 

Yet, the problem seems that when you realise this isn't the relationshiop for you, you still stick around, trying to change him to suit your needs.

 

It's a harsh reality, but in 95% of cases, people don't change. If the man isn't making you happy in a relationship that makes you happy without you having to push it and prod it in your direction, then he's simply not worth being with.

 

Cut your losses (time), and keep searching. There are thousands of potentially available men in everyone's immediate vicinity but no matter what you do, only a tiny percent of those will ever work for you.

 

Don't try to change a man to be what you want, find the man that is already what you want.

[Love2share]

Okay, I like totally understand what you are saying. In the past 1.9 years, I have been moving on and not sticking around when the relationship seems to be more trouble than it's worth.

 

That's the problem. I'm tired of jumping from one man to the next. I want a stable relationship. And I want us both to be happy. I'm frustrated thinking that it's impossible to have both stability and happiness in a relationship.

 

Seems like, in order to be happy, I must stay in happy relationships until they make me sad, and then move on to someone new. And if I want to stop changing partners, then I end up staying with someone who doesn't make me happy.

 

Do you understand what I'm saying?

[loveheart59]

I dont wanna force my beliefs down your throught but I'll give an opinion.

 

I beleive in auras and personal broadcasts that attract you to certain people. For instance, every single friend or serious boyfriend I attract doesnt smoke or drink (I dont either). Theres no way I could pick people out like that on pupose because people drink every week now, its very common!

 

... so my point is, as soon as you walk into a room or social situation you send out information in your energy that attracts repels certain people.

If you walk into a room with something in your energy that says "I only put myself second" and "I will put up with all kinds of crap" the kind of guys that will be attracted will fit that criterea.

 

A lot of people get caught in the trap of being in the same situation over again with different people to teach you a lesson. Until you learn that lesson or start to put yourself higher up on the agenda it will just happen again and again until you get it.

 

I know its sounds cheesy but , no-one else can love and respect you properly util you can do that yourself.

[newbby]

what loveheart says is true, but, also, why not just not get physically involved with anyone until THEY have proven themselves to you? sounds as though you begin these relationships before you really get to know the person, so you are already in a relationship with them when they start to show their true colours etc. by being physical with a man you give away your power, thats why you get caught up in trying to please them. it sounds simple but i think it would help you.

[lilmoma1973]

what loveheart says is true, but, also, why not just not get physically involved with anyone until THEY have proven themselves to you? sounds as though you begin these relationships before you really get to know the person, so you are already in a relationship with them when they start to show their true colours etc. by being physical with a man you give away your power, thats why you get caught up in trying to please them. it sounds simple but i think it would help you.

 

I agree with Newby, you are just scared and don't want to be in the same predicament you was in the past... I can't blame you for being very precatious about getting into a relationship its perfectly normal and very understanding but unless you move on from the bad relationships then you never will be able to have the potential relationship that you deserve.. Maybe you can go to a counselor to help you work through these issues and help you get over these fears of relationship.. Good luck hope it works out!!

[Love2share]

Mostly, I have a humble and kind personality. I feel confident in myself enough to hold my ground in any situation without belittling or making anyone else feel small.

 

The men that I've waited to become sexually active with, we got along great as friends, but after sex, everything changed. And there was one guy, I really liked him so much, but it was strange when I began to feel more like a sister to him than a girlfriend. We never had sex because it was too weird. We are still friends now.

 

If you're saying there is something natrually about me that attracts the wrong type of men, then I'm doomed forever because I don't know how to change it. That's really depressing!

[loveheart59]

No, thats not what im saying at all. Its changable. My friends who attract guys like you do are the nicest people ive ever will know, its not always good in a relationship though.

If you put your foot down with a guy then they get mad only because youre not what you said on the packet. Humble and kind...nice. Then you have guys who come to you for care and nurturing but sex ruins it. Humble and nice remember?

Im not telling you to change your personality just to think about ways to evolve it so it represents a true sense of you from the get go. Some women put up with cheating or even getting beaten up and dont stand up for themselves at all, so obviously a part of that must be in your personality anyway.

If this was clear from word dot (not that your a battleaxe) but youre a good woman that wants a relationship on fair terms it will come out in your presense. And dont let guys get away with hurting you two or three times without saying anything! Im not quite sure what they do to you but you have to mention it . Or they could be forgiven for thinking they can get up to all kinds of crap.

God all in all, though I hate to say it. Theres just something about kind nice people that is blah, come and use me and stamp on me. Kind, shy guys have exactly the same problem.

[NewLee40]

I find myself in the same predicament. There is something about our personality type that makes us a target for these types of people. Its not that the other kind aren't out there and wouldn't like a chance with us...but the narcissist/abuser types take up all the space in our lives and the other kind can't get a clear shot with us.

 

I too am what you would consider a nice person. "Sweet" is often the label applied to me, and I don't dislike it. What I hate is that people often confused kindness for weakness. If you do have some self esteem and won't allow yourself to be walked over as your kind, humble demeanor suggests, they react negatively. Why? Because that's not what they took you for and therefore its not going to work for them.

 

And yet, for some reason, we feel rejected by these losers and end up asking ourselves how we might change so that they will respond better to us. They wont - ever. Our only task here is to push them aside as quickly as possible so that the space around you will be clear for the right one to come along.

 

Being the kind of person that you are, you just have to expect that the wolves will come knocking at your door. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can tame them by being kind, and loving. That's just wolf food for them, and they'll use you until you have nothing left to give and move on to the next source.

 

And we have to face the fact that there are lots of wounded people out there who are unhealthy and incapable of having a healthy relationship. Think about the divorce rate, think about the "happy" couples you see....how do the happy ones compare to the unhappy ones in numbers?

 

The only thing you can do is work on your boundaries, your expectations, and don't let bitterness change you. Sometimes those of us who have been hurt and had our boundaries trampled do tend to come out a little overprotective of our boundaries because of our fear - and unfairly attach our previous experiences to the current one. If guys have noted that about you, they probably are somewhat correct.

 

There is a middle ground, I believe. It starts with a clear vision of who you are and what you want. So, you are a kind person - great. Don't change that. Do you feel like the world owes you respect and consideration because you are kind? Well, forget that. Quit feeling like you need to change something about yourself because people are not treating you right. People's bad behavior has nothing at all to do with you. They are going to behave badly anyway and you can't be good enough to stop that. Even getting angry about it doesn't help. Don't get angry, sad, or any other type of strong emotion when people push your boundaries, hurt you, or treat you inconsiderately. Just don't accept the treatment and clear the space around you.

 

Its no guarantee that someone decent will come into your life. But, if they can't get to you because of all the energy and time you are spending on the ones who aren't worth it, I can guarantee they won't be able to find you.

 

So, many of us have spent all this time trying to fix our relationships. Relationships do require work, no doubt. But, if its THAT hard in the beginning, you may as well quit while you are ahead.

[Love2share]

thank you very much for the insight. Thanks everyone for all this wonderful advice.

 

After reading what Newlee said, I realize that my aura is tainted because I'm spending a lot of energy being hurt and angry about the negative things in my life. Even when I think I'm over a situation, the aura haunts me into the same thing over again.

 

It's hard for me to change it because to do that, I must not associate with people who treat me badly. But I can't stop being around negativity. My family isn't close with me and they treat me like a outcast because they are religious and they hate that I'm not married. They hate every guy I date. But they turn around and criticize me for not getting married.

 

I moved away from my relatives to live on my own. But they still spread rumors about me becasue they have no idea what I'm up to. They just assume that I'm throwing my life away. That hurts me even more because I lose sleep thinking about my past with my family and wonder what I ever did to make them treat me so badly. It all started with me being born out of a scandal for something my mother did. It wasn't my fault I was born. But they've forgiven her, and still blame me.

 

I guess my life really is negative and my aura is negative. I can't change it. I wish I could. But I can't change or get rid of the people who make me negative when they are the ones who are supposed to be positive for me. I feel like, if my own family hates me, nobody will ever love me becuase I've spent my whole life trying to gain their approval before anyone else. And now my aura is ruined because of that.

[NewLee40]

Eleanor Roosevelt once said that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent and that is quite true. You have been dealt a bad set of cards when it comes to your family. I'm so sorry, because I know that it effects you down to your core and it is very hard to dispute and grow away from.

 

But, you aren't ruined. Again, let me remind you that other people's bad behavior has nothing do to with you. So, your parents are critical, demanding, resentful, and impossible to please? Ok. Is that your fault? No. Can you do ANYTHING to change that? No. Do their opinions of you define you? Only if you let them.

 

I deal with people every day who simply cannot get over needing someone to agree with them, validate them, or understand how badly they've hurt them. No matter how you slice it, there's no way to win.

 

Get this through your head and your aura will be healed. Only YOU define who you are. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks. If a guy rejects you, you don't want him. If your parents can't accept you as the person you are then you must learn to live without that acceptance. Only you know your intentions, your tastes, your motivations, your hearts desire. People WILL try to control those very personal things for you if you let them. And you, and only you, have to live and answer for the consequences of your decisions and actions. Therefore, you are responsible to act according to your own integrity and values - no one elses.

 

You cannot choose your family, but you can choose how you react to and internalize their behavior. I'm 40 years old and have only just now given up on needing my parents acceptance and approval. The more they withhold it, the more we seem to need it. And, perhaps, that's why we became so "pleasing" in the first place...you think?

[Love2share]

But how do I accept not getting approval from my parents and siblings? I call my mother once a week. It's a phone call I dread because she always criticize me or compares me to other memebers of the family. But if I don't call her, she gets worse by claiming that I've abandoned her and the family. She says she's worried if I'm dead or alive.

 

So it seems there's no way to escape the misery, except my death. I've tried talking to my mother about things that hurt me and she tells me and everyone else that I'm crazy and hallucinating. It's better when I just keep everything inside and try to pretend things are fine.

 

Really, I just wish I could change everything from the day I were born. But I can't. And all this IS affecting my relationships with other people. Especially men. How can I get past my family? Should I stop calling my mother? Despite everything, there is a part of me that loves her. That makes me feel worse because I know she'll never return that. She will never admit that she needs me. I just don't understand why she can't change her opinion of me.

 

And I don't know how to get away.

[Walk]

I have some ideas on how you might change your relationship with your parents. It's going to be hard, and extremely slow process. And might not always work. It's really easy for people to fall back into the roles they've known their entire lives. But if you're aware of that, then you can forgive yourself when that happens and try again.

 

I wanted my parents to treat me as an adult. I acted like I did when I was a kid, always seeking their appoval, and acceptance. I first broke off all communications with them for several months. Almost a year, until I felt I was at a place mentally where I felt capable in my own abilities, and had a better understanding of what I wanted in life. Without knowing these, you can't stand your ground when you never know what you're standing for.

 

I gradually started talking to my family again. Visiting them under my terms and conditions. Visting them, but only staying 1 hour. I would ask how they were doing, and pay attention to whether my mother was stressed because her father was deteriorating, or that my brother was again asking to borrow money. But do so as an adult. Not as a child. Express interest in who they really are. Parents are people, some worse then others, but they all have faults, fears, problems. If you want to be treated as an adult, treat your parents as adults, not just parents.

 

The second thing is I stopped rising to the bait. They knew my trigger points, and what would get a reaction from me. I refused to let it affect me anymore. Not that it didn't at first, but I faked it as best I could. Then I'd go home and scream or cry. We were caught in a cycle, and I had to break it before we could move forward. If things got too much for me while visiting, I would politely excuse myself and leave.

 

I want to say, my parents aren't bad people, they want the best for me. And I don't know your parents, but it might be worth it to you to attempt to redefine your relationship with your parents. It's extremely hard, and I still fall back into my "role" sometimes, but it's getting better. It's been about 2 years, and they call me now to hang out as friends. They stopped nagging on relationships, marriage, or why am I not successful. (Mostly) And they also know that if they have a problem, they can come to me about anything. Money, my brother, their relationship...

 

I had tried to cut them out of my life completely, but I realized that wasn't what I really wanted. I don't know how your parents are, or your relationship. Sometimes it is best for you to stop the toxic relationship. But if you can change it into something that will work for both of you, then do try.

[Walk]

My brother though, I couldn't continue talking to him. I see him about once or twice a year now. I love him to death, but he always wants more and more from me. I couldn't keep giving. Every time I neeed help he was busy, or too stressed. It broke my heart, but when he said he felt people owed him for his time, I decided I couldn't change who he was and stopped trying to gain his approval and love. It was the best thing I could do for myself.

[NewLee40]

Walk, I pretty much had to do the same thing with my family. Even though I live just down the street, I virtually cut off most contact with them - except where absolutely necessary. When we came together again (during a major crisis with my son) they were far more respectful of my boundaries and supportive. Its not perfect, and I struggle daily with my need to have acceptance from them, and knowing that they are judgemental of me and want to control me.

 

Love, you are right in that it is very difficult to stand your ground with parents who are like this. My mom can say stuff to me that literally cut me to the core, and if I stand up for myself - however meekly, she still somehow turns it around that I have hurt her or am treating her (and I quote)like a dog. I have to tell you, I've never treated anyone like a dog..much less my mother. I walk on eggshells around her to avoid making her mad and somehow I still manage to step in it anyway.

 

Its easy advise to give, but I tell you, I didn't get much better at dealing with them until I got some serious therapy. It is something you should consider because I think you have been and are being emotionally abused. You need help and support. I think coming to terms with and learning to cope better with your family issues would be a step in the right direction if you want to improve your love life.

 

The thing I have found is that there is no arguing with them, no making them understand, no defending myself or my decisions. Its wasted air and wasted energy. Don't try....work on actively disputing, in YOUR OWN mind what they are telling you, and seek a healthy support system to help you through this time.