I need some opinions please

[tactilelady]

Hello everyone,

I'm really glad I found this place, you seem to be a sane bunch of people. In June I met a man online, we have become very close, talking for hours daily on the phone and many emails. We are 150 miles apart and have seen each other 6 times on weekends. We are serious enough to be discussing a future together. We're compatible in many areas. I've been divorced for 10 years, his wife of 30 years left him last Feb., he has filed for divorce and it should be finalized next Feb. There are two serious issues in the way - one is that I'm a city person and he's a country person. I may be able to adapt to country living but I need to spend some time in the country before I know how I feel about that. Which brings me to the other issue, which is driving me crazy, and has almost caused me to end the relationship a few times. He has 3 daughters, 26, 22, and 18, all very opposed to me, because it's "too soon". He's only started talking about the divorce since July and they are shaken up about it, so I'm somewhat "the bad guy" although I don't know what they all thought would happen when their Mom left. She is saying that she was willing to work on the marriage (not according to the counsellor last June- she said there was no hope). He is dead scared of "losing" his daughters, also scared that they will tell their Mom about me and she will get pissed off and take vengeance on him financially (no boyfriend in the picture). He's afraid of losing his shirt. So I have agreed to keep a low profile until after the divorce. He says at that point he will insist that his daughters meet me and at least be civil to me. The biggest thorn in my side is his youngest daughter Amy. When his wife left, it was just Murray and Amy in the house and she is a classic Daddy's girl. They would cuddle on the couch watching TV. She would make him watch her play computer games and bake muffins. Never had a boyfriend although she looks attractive in her pictures. She would usually stay home on the weekends. Now she's away at University in the same city as me, he thought we would have some freedom because he's alone now. No way!! I visited him once on the farm, she found out and had a hysterical fit and her sisters backed her up. She demanded that he break up with me, and he's been a nervous wreck ever since (so have I). He can't break up with me, he says he can't live without me but he can't live with the stress either. He has stopped telling me that he loves me, but I know that, if anything, his love is growing. He saw me last weekend because I told him that I was just missing him too much, I needed to see him. He ended up spending six hours with Amy and had a meltdown with her because her Mom was playing mind-games. He feels SO guilty to be putting the kid through the emotional trauma of a divorce and the mother is kind of emotionally abusive (she used to hit the kids too). And on top of it, she's really homesick and going through culture shock too (a country kid in the city). Anyway, when Murray said good-bye to me, he had another major melt-down. He feels so torn between his kids and me, but his loyalty is definitely to his family and I'm last on his list of priorities, he's made that quite clear, especially now, he says he needs to make sure Amy's firmly made the transition to university and needs his 100% support. I admire him for being a good father, but I'm just getting vibes that the father-daughter attachment here is just a little bit over-the-top, and that this girl is ferociously jealous of me, and knows exactly which buttons to push. I can't see her magically accepting me next Feb. and releasing him from all his guilt. There was a huge emotional void in her parents' marriage as it was, and once Mom moved out, Amy became the only woman in her Dad's life. I don't think she's about to give up that position. And I've noticed that every time I mention anything to do with boys and Amy, he doesn't seem to be open to that topic at all. When I mentioned to him that I think Amy simply doesn't want to share her Dad with me, you know what he told me? That she sends him text messages on his cell phone - just three words - "I love you". And as he was telling me this, he was choking back the tears. Well, that just felt like more than I could handle. Well? Help me out here. Am I over-reacting? Sorry this is so long but I haven't discussed it with anyone other than my Mom and it feels really good to get it off my chest. I really care for this guy but he may as well be married and I may as well be the other woman for all the sneaking around I'm doing and the shame and guilt I'm being made to feel! She and/or the other daughters go home for the weekends and I'm not even supposed to call when they are around, and if they walk in when he's on the phone to me, he will just abruptly hang up the phone on me. I've never been involved with a married man before, and he's legally separated, but I feel like he's got three jealous wives watching over him!!! Okay, this is turning into a rant, I'll take a deep breath and stop now. Thanks to all who have listened.

[kinziepooh]

Sweety, I am going to try and approach this delicately, but you are going to do what you want anyway. Your boyfriends wife just left him in feb, it's not even a year. They were together 30 years. Basically his girlfriend of 30years just dumped him. He didn't dump her, he didn't chose to leave her, she dumped him. If it was up to him, she would be there still and they would be together. Other wise, he would have dumped her, but he didn't. He still loves her with all his heart and all his soul. He married this woman, built a life with this woman, had three girls with this woman, raised them to be adults with this woman. He loves her. He is lonely. He was reaching out to fill a void. He got online so he could fill a void and still leave the door open for her. Keep this all in mind. Next issue.

 

His daughters, they are number 1,2.3 and all in the order of #1. You will never, never, be #1, (sorry sweety to tell you, please know I'm saying this in a loving tone not mean). I have two little girls, no matter what, no man will ever ever ever be able to be #1, partners come and go, work out some and don't others, but blood relatives are forever. Their needs are first, their wants are going to be first. And right now they are hurting, very badly. Take your shoe off and put theirs on. Did your parents ever get divorced? If so, what did that do to you inside, where you too young to remember? WHat if they were to split when you were older? You said they were in school? Think about how all the emotional turmoil is effecting their schooling. mommie left them too. THey only have daddy, if you come, they see you as taking him away too and them being all alone, and no chance of mommie coming back and everything going back to normal again. They don't know you. From what you write you are resentful of their only natural emotions that everyone has. You sound angry. You don't even know if you are compatible. The thrill of the chase is very intoxicating, what happens when the hide is too rough, waht happens if the meat is sour. Do you want to be stuck in a relationship where the guy is pineing over his ex. He is going to tell you he's not, but have you ever heard of the term "rebound" it's there for a reason and remember there are no exceptions, never, no, not. I know that you need to feel loved and want to find someone, but are you willing to give up everything for him, is he willing to give up all for you, do you want him to make that kind of decision right now??? By the way, i lived in the country once and hated it, you can never keep the dust out of your house from the country roads and when if rains the roads turn to mud and you can get it stuck in the mud very easily, are you ready to be a country bride, it sounds easy, but it sucks, no starbucks, no shop when you are blue, that's like once a week stuff, no going out if you are too tired to cook, no calling a friend to have a girls night, you are literally stuck in the middle of no where. There are a lot of tells in this one from someone who is third party, You should back off and tell him that until the divorce is final, you will be his friend, but you want him to be sure of what he wants with out influenceing him. Remember, If a girl chases a guy, she can't catch him, guys are faster runners and have that game down pat. You are a woman run and let him chase you. The secret is to not stop until he catches you, until he really tries to catch you so once he has you he doesn't let you go. You don't want some guy who just wants you for a second or to fill a void of a wife, you want someone that wants you, all your quirks to him are cute, all your faults are beautiful, you want him to love you because of everything, not inspite of one thing. Don't settle for a guy who is using you as a divorce crutch. Remember, even if you give up everything and go out there and live and try it, even if he tells you he won't, he could decide one day that he doesn't want you, dump you, then where will you be, no job, no home, in the middle of the country, some 600 miles and years from where ryou started, older, and sadder. think about it, you are too sexy and beautiful of this kind of stress and relationship, think about what you deserve.

[tactilelady]

Thank you so much for replying. You're obviously a caring person who genuinely doesn't want me to get burned. I think you make some valid points and I will think about some of the things you have said, especially about living in the country, and about not chasing a man, and letting him chase me. But I do need to correct some of your assumptions, okay? and maybe then you'll have more to say. I don't think I'm that wet behind the ears. I certainly was afraid about the rebound thing, and that's why I was watching and listening very carefully, and what impressed me a lot about his man was how completely detached he was from his wife. He had emotionally divorced her a long time ago. She simply was not there for him when he needed her, she worked in a nearby city and was not involved with his life and continually put him down and insulted him, and verbally and physically abused the kids too. He had moved out of the bedroom years ago. He couldn't leave the home, because it's his family's farm and has been there for four generations and all his money is tied up in the land (lots of land). Every time he said they had to divorce she just threatened to take everything and he would shut up. He just withdrew more and more from her and avoided her, the tension was unbearable, until finally she left. He was very relieved, I would even say that he was overjoyed. He immediately changed his life insurance and his will, what does that tell you? Since he filed for divorce she has practically begged him to take her back but there is no way on Earth that he's going to do that. Even his doctor couldn't get over how much improved his blood pressure was and his general health. He calls it a "black hole" that he will never crawl back into. The last time they had sex he told himself he had lost all respect for this person and he would never bring himself to touch her again. He has told me that I know him better than anyone in this world we have talked so intimately, and I know very well that he has no feelings for that woman. In fact, I think it's almost eerie how very detached he is from her after all those years and three children together, so my conclusion is that it took him many years to get to this point.

Anyway, as far kids go, I have two beautiful young adult children - 26 and 22 and they have always come first so I don't need to have that pointed out to me. In fact, I think that's partly why I have stayed single for the past ten years. The men have passed in and out of my life, but it's always been clear that my kids were my No. 1 priority. Now they are independent I am ready for a life partner. And Murray's two oldest are 22 and 26 also. It's Amy, his 18 year old that I'm worried about, and of course she is hurting - I went through the agony of divorce with my own kids, and they were younger, 12 and 16. But Amy did see that the marriage was a dead one, and she does concede that. She even says that "it's better this way". The arguments and tension are gone. She sees her mother often, her mother lives not much farther away than her Dad. But she quarrels all the time with her Mom, and now her Mom is laying guilt trips on her.

I guess I did sound angry, and resentful and I'm not proud of that. When I look at it from her perspective I sympathize with her. It's just that if she had a boyfriend she definitely would not be as clingy with her father as she is. I've never seen a father and daughter as attached as they are. He has his finger on her pulse and responds to every change of mood that she has. What I was trying to get at, was that maybe with the love in the marriage so dried up, perhaps that's why she and Dad became so close. I know that he often breaks down into tears because he misses her and vice versa, and he stopped telling me that he loved me because she was too jealous and he felt guilty. Is it normal for an 18 year old girl to be sending text messages to Dad saying "I love you". ? To me that is something a typical teenage girl would be sending to her boyfriend. He was all choked up about it when he told me and I kept quiet because I didn't want to aggravate things any further. I just wanted a reality check from you people. I was never close to my Dad and my ex-husband was never close to my daughter, so I'm not sure what normal is. I do know that teenage girls can be a bit manipulative and Murray really is a sucker - he doesn't see through that stuff. I asked my Mom her opinion and she said "phony, phony", and then she said "that girl must be horribly jealous of you". Comments? Are we too cynical?

I don't know, I think that once the children are adults, then it's possible for your significant other to be the No. 1 person in your life. My daughter has a fiance now and I would never interfere in her relationship.

As far as your other comments go, I have a lot of thinking to do, in terms of what I'm willing to give up. When we first met and he was infatuated, he was saying I was the perfect woman for him etc etc. He didn't anticipate that the kids would give him any trouble at all nor that his wife might get nasty about the divorce. He also implied that he might be willing to give up his lifestyle and was very flexible. He was talking marriage. Now it does seem that I'm expected to risk everything and he is promising nothing, yet we are having sex and he expects me to sit around and wait patiently for him, until the divorce happens (if it happens) and then we will see what happens when the dust settles, what he is left with, will he get clearance from his family, etc. etc. He has said that he wants at least to be my friend until the divorce is final, but then he said, "but it's okay for friends to have sex sometimes, isn't it?".

arghhhh...!! Men! Sometimes I think I'm wasting my energy and sometimes I think it's just so hard to find a good man - he's not a player, he doesn't have baggage from his marriage, he's very good to me, so I should just hang in there - does anyone have a crystal ball? Think about what I deserve? I've been looking for a good man for a long time. They are scarce ya know.....