I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 So a little while ago my partner and I were talking about cheating. My partner mentioned that it was less hurtful when the ex cheated on him w/her ex as opposed to when they cheated w/a new person. I find all cheating wrong and hurtful. This concerns me because I find all cheating hurtful and for me consequences would all be the same, me leaving that person. He said he would never cheat. In the end almost sounds like if he did cheat w/his ex in the future, I shouldn't be as hurt because its his ex. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 He feels the way he does and there is no written rules that you have to feel the way he does. My boyfriend told me a couple of times he loves me so much he would not break up with me if I cheated on him. That is personal to him. He knows if he cheats on me I'm leaving. There is no such a thing as *you must feel toward things the way I do*. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 He feels the way he does and there is no written rules that you have to feel the way he does. My boyfriend told me a couple of times he loves me so much he would not break up with me if I cheated on him. That is personal to him. He knows if he cheats on me I'm leaving. There is no such a thing as *you must feel toward things the way I do*. I'm not saying he has to feel a certain way, just concerns me that he is totally against cheating, but is almost ok w/her cheating w/a past partner. I just wanna make sure he doesn't violate my boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 He said it’s less hurtful... not that it doesn’t hurt? Maybe his logic is that it’s easier, less effort to do it than a person going out and seeking a new person. That’s the only thing I can think of. While I disagree, that opinion in isolation wouldn’t make me think they would necessarily cheat with an ex. It’s just an opinion Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 I'm not saying he has to feel a certain way' date=' just concerns me that he is totally against cheating, but is almost ok w/her cheating w/a past partner. I just wanna make sure he doesn't violate my boundaries.[/quote'] I was not saying he should feel a certain way either. I was saying he feels the way he does, you feel the way you do, end of story. After he told you this what did you tell him? Did you draw clearly your boundaries? *honey if you cheat on me, iwith ex or not, I am leaving the relationship* That should make things pretty clear to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 I was not saying he should feel a certain way either. I was saying he feels the way he does, you feel the way you do, end of story. After he told you this what did you tell him? Did you draw clearly your boundaries? *honey if you cheat on me, iwith ex or not, I am leaving the relationship* That should make things pretty clear to him. I did tell him either way I would leave, also I told him I would be extremely hurt if he ever cheated on me. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 20, 2018 Share Posted March 20, 2018 I did tell him either way I would leave' date=' also I told him I would be extremely hurt if he ever cheated on me.[/quote'] That is great, so now he knows if he cheats, ex or not, it means the end. He knows your boundaries. There is no way to know if he'll end up being a cheater or not. That's life surprises. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'veseenbetterlol Posted March 20, 2018 Author Share Posted March 20, 2018 He said it’s less hurtful... not that it doesn’t hurt? Maybe his logic is that it’s easier, less effort to do it than a person going out and seeking a new person. That’s the only thing I can think of. While I disagree, that opinion in isolation wouldn’t make me think they would necessarily cheat with an ex. It’s just an opinion I don't think he meant it that way. He said its because its their past, then again if its now (even if there is a history), that's the present. Link to post Share on other sites
happyhusband0005 Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 Well it's not like he was saying cheating with the ex was OK. He said for him it would be less hurtful. Like for me, it hurts more if you punch me in the balls than if you punch in the stomach. It still hurts and I am not OK with you punching me either place but one is worse than the other. I think you might be over thinking this one here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 So a little while ago my partner and I were talking about cheating. My partner mentioned that it was less hurtful when the ex cheated on him w/her ex as opposed to when they cheated w/a new person. I find all cheating wrong and hurtful. This concerns me because I find all cheating hurtful and for me consequences would all be the same' date=' me leaving that person. He said he would never cheat. In the end almost sounds like if he did cheat w/his ex in the future, I shouldn't be as hurt because its his ex. Thoughts?[/quote'] You can't control his feelings or what he perceives is more palatable in a bad situation - the lesser of two evils, I guess. I can see going back to the ex as more palatable. The ex is someone who is familiar with a past history together, as opposed to meeting, and intentionally maintaining, sneaking, and getting to know someone brand new. This is one of those loaded conversations that probably shouldn't be had at all if you can't accept the answer you may receive (like the "I never" game...learned my lesson on that one). I don't see the point. I don't think anyone actually believes that cheating is acceptable and a totally fine thing to do. If you must have this conversation on which is the best way to be cheated on, if your partner is going to cheat, accept the answer and don't freak out about it as if he's setting you up to accept he's got his sights set on cheating with the ex. Unless you think your partner still has feelings for his ex, you likely have very little to worry about. The reality is, you have no guarantees in life, and people cheat, and I would say a majority of people who cheat, didn't intentionally go out and seek it. All you can do is trust them. Stating that if given a choice, A is better than B, does not not translate to, "I plan on doing that bad thing." Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 No this would not concern me. His feelings toward his partner cheating does not reflect his capabilities to cheat. Two different things. Link to post Share on other sites
Agonistes Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 Sometimes I achieve clarity by extension. Based on the threads I have seen here, clearly most people find it more hurtful to be cheated on with a best friend than with someone they do not know. Therefore there are different degrees of hurt depending on the circumstances.. He is just classifying those, not saying that either is acceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 (edited) So a little while ago my partner and I were talking about cheating. My partner mentioned that it was less hurtful when the ex cheated on him w/her ex as opposed to when they cheated w/a new person. I find all cheating wrong and hurtful. This concerns me because I find all cheating hurtful and for me consequences would all be the same' date=' me leaving that person. He said he would never cheat. [b']In the end almost sounds like if he did cheat w/his ex in the future, I shouldn't be as hurt because its his ex. [/b] Thoughts? I kind of understand his logic, to be honest. Cheating with an ex can imply some kind of regression toward the past which is more an issue with the person. Cheating with a new person implies much deeper problems exist in the relationship. If it was my partner, I'd feel differently if they were cheating with an ex vs a random new person, or a colleague, or one of my friends. I don't think I could rank them on how bad I'd feel... just different versions of bad. I feel the bit bolded is probably reading into it a bit too much. He's stated how he would feel if you were to cheat - but that has no bearing on how you would feel if he cheated, on his ex or otherwise. You feel the way you feel, and you have your own expectations so make those clear. Edited March 21, 2018 by snowboy91 clarity Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I took his statement to mean that cheating with an EX is more understandable, like you can understand where it came from . . . that by comparison the cheater decided the EX was preferable to the present SO. It's not that being cheated on doesn't hurt. It was more that he could see some reason so it didn't feel as random. Link to post Share on other sites
CollegeKid101 Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 I took his statement to mean that cheating with an EX is more understandable, like you can understand where it came from . . . that by comparison the cheater decided the EX was preferable to the present SO. It's not that being cheated on doesn't hurt. It was more that he could see some reason so it didn't feel as random. This. This is 100% what he meant. I agree with him and I have never cheated nor would I ever! Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 (edited) So a little while ago my partner and I were talking about cheating. My partner mentioned that it was less hurtful when the ex cheated on him w/her ex as opposed to when they cheated w/a new person. I find all cheating wrong and hurtful. This concerns me because I find all cheating hurtful and for me consequences would all be the same' date=' me leaving that person. He said he would never cheat. In the end almost sounds like if he did cheat w/his ex in the future, I shouldn't be as hurt because its his ex. Thoughts?[/quote'] You asked him about his thoughts on the matter and he told you. He didn't say having sex with the ex wouldn't bother him at all--on the continuum of hurt feelings, he said it would hurt less if it was an ex than if it was a new person. That's it. I don't see him drawing a correlation between what his ex did to him and what he would do in the future--not sure why you're trying to force this fit. He's saying how he feels, not what you should feel. You can feel anyway you wish--feelings are neither right nor wrong: it's the action you choose to put to those feelings that make it right/wrong. But if you're using his response as fodder for your cannons for future fights, you might want to reconsider dating someone whose world view you feel isn't enough in line to yours. Edited March 21, 2018 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Keats Posted March 21, 2018 Share Posted March 21, 2018 He's talking about his pain tolerance. Like some men might say - rather prefered my wife cheated with a woman - rather preferred my wife cheated with my boss than brother He's just talking about pain. Link to post Share on other sites
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