I hate him and I love him

[Agakow]

Hello guys, I need to vent... I'm in strong urge to talk to someone about my relationship problem I have. Me and my boyfriend have been together for a little over a year now, at the beginning everything was perfect, we basically fell in love with each other in seconds... Well, not literally, it was just a strong and mutual attraction, he was super sweet etc. He has two daughters from his previous relationship. I would say, yes we love each other, at least I do.

 

I have no idea what went wrong but for about 2 months now we keep arguing about (in my opinion) super silly stuff. It's almost like he's looking for a purpose to argue, I sometimes get an impression that he disrespects me. I never cause a fight, I mean I try talking to him about my feelings and concerns but he always sees it as an attack and in his opinion, I don't appreciate him which isn't true.

 

Last week we had a fight and I thought it was over. For the end of the day, I decided to be with him and I love him so I don't want to throw all that thing away, I'm 27 and never loved anyone like this before. When we don't argue and it's good, it's really good. But today we had an argument again and I felt so frustrated, I just threw my phone into the wall and started screaming. Guys, I really atm, love and hate him.

 

I asked him few days ago to buy something online I needed because my card is blocked. I never ask him for help like this but he always says if I need something I need to ask him as he cares about me and loves me so that's why want to help me.... I did ask him and I mentioned it's a 3 things, he thought it was one. When he bought that one thing I said, OK there's two more things but he doesn't need to buy if if he doesn't want to and... He took it as I tried to disrespect him by saying this phrase "babe, you don't have to buy it if you don't want to ok?", I called him and I actually realised it can to sound rude and I apologised and explained what I meant, he said okay and I actually thought we're good. Then he just said he needs to go to sleep because he is tired, I left him a warm message saying how much I love and appreciate him etc. In the morning he was still mad at me and at this point I got upset, angry and super frustrated. After I explained myself he still accuses me of disrespecting him.... So we were on the phone and he was saying all those stuff, I just felt so helpless and threw my phone, I was so angry.... This man gives me all sort of emotions and at the moment I'm not sure if I more hate or love him. He kept ignoring me the whole day and kept being angry and I'm here sitting and think what the actual fu*k. I'll add that he's older than me and usually seem to be reasonable. I don't know if call it quits (which will hurt me as hell), or wait... Maybe he already made up his mind but for some reason can't be honest with me...?!

 

I see many good and bad things in him, no one is perfect, neither do I and I actually notice more of the good things in him but he just sometimes get so easily offended and angry. He goes gym every day and used to be a boxer, I sometimes think he's got some psychological issues he's not aware of. I truly and deeply love him and it hurts me when we argue and don't talk. This is insane, he gives me an emotional roller coaster and put the whole blame on me. He doesn't see it.... Or am I seeing it wrong?

Edited March 16, 2018 by Agakow

[Agakow]

I'm truly hurting.... :'( why life and love can't be easy? ?

[preraph]

Have to ask: He's not on steroids, is he? They make you edgy and nuts.

 

Otherwise, you're worried that you disrespected him about asking him to get something on his card. I'm worried that he's more disrespecting you by the sounds of it. If he's not on something, he's got a sticker in his craw about something. Maybe he is losing feelings, don't know. Throwing the phone didn't help of course, and might open the door for him to do something physical, so apologize for that. But he does sound touchy, too touchy.

[Imajerk17]

Umm...so what did he have to buy for you online? Why was your card blocked. Can't you afford your own stuff?

 

It's not my intention to kick anyone while down but I suspect you are a huge part of the reason why this relationship has problems.

[d0nnivain]

It seems to me like this could have been avoided if you gave him the money up front to buy whatever it is you wanted.

[Agakow]

It seems to me like this could have been avoided if you gave him the money up front to buy whatever it is you wanted.

 

I wanted to give him money but he he didn't take it, he said it's OK. So I left the money on the table but he didn't take them. He said it wasn't the money that was an issue.

[Agakow]

Umm...so what did he have to buy for you online? Why was your card blocked. Can't you afford your own stuff?

 

It's not my intention to kick anyone while down but I suspect you are a huge part of the reason why this relationship has problems.

 

Noooo, never that. I work and have my own money. I had to disable my card and request a new one due to suspicious behaviour, someone actually used my credit card details to pay for the shopping in the USA, I live in Europe though. I'm currently awaiting a new card. I needed to buy something related to my business and it couldn't wait. He got upset about something else

[Agakow]

Have to ask: He's not on steroids, is he? They make you edgy and nuts.

 

Otherwise, you're worried that you disrespected him about asking him to get something on his card. I'm worried that he's more disrespecting you by the sounds of it. If he's not on something, he's got a sticker in his craw about something. Maybe he is losing feelings, don't know. Throwing the phone didn't help of course, and might open the door for him to do something physical, so apologize for that. But he does sound touchy, too touchy.

 

Honestly I have no idea. I only know about protein. He has a huuuuuge testosterone level, it's crazy though

[kendahke]

I'm 27

I'll add that he's older than me

 

How much older is he?

 

Up until this incident, how had he been treating with you?

[Lorenza]

It seems to me that the relationship is about to run it's course. That is common with these type of "instant love" relationship. The chemistry is fading and you two start arguing about the small stuff

[smackie9]

He was a boxer? Darling you are dealing with someone who has a head injury. Professional sports is just recognizing how harmful repeated direct impact to the head, causing permanent brain damage. I'm sure he has had his fair share of concussions. That would explain his mood swings, anger, his inability to deal with situations.

 

If he isn't getting some kind of treatment/therapy for it, I'm afraid there isn't much you can do.

[preraph]

Honestly I have no idea. I only know about protein. He has a huuuuuge testosterone level, it's crazy though

 

So I'm thinking his testosterone is elevated and making him mean and that can get dangerous, so you be careful -- and ask him what all he's on or go through his stuff and see what you find and look it all up.

[d0nnivain]

I wanted to give him money but he he didn't take it, he said it's OK. So I left the money on the table but he didn't take them. He said it wasn't the money that was an issue.

 

 

If it wasn't a passive aggressive tantrum about the money on his part, he's a bully. I don't see where in there you disrespected him. I think your anger may have been over the top but it seems like these issues are the symptoms of some larger problem in your relationship. They would make me think long & hard about sticking around.

[Agakow]

Sorry guys I've been quiet but had to deal with job. So, the issue for me is that he gets really angry and keep saying he double think about our relationship and it gives him doubts but after he acts like nothing happened and says he has no intention of leaving me etc... But during those fights he clearly lets me know he has doubts.

 

This is really crazy, I love him and in overall he's a good person and partner, he loves to smile and usually is super positive but these kind of moments make me think if I really wanna be with someone who clearly can't control his mind. I had an impression that he actually enjoyed our fight, like he knew exactly what he was doing but at the same time, he wasn't thinking straight.

 

He's 36.

Oh and there's another thing that concerns me, at the beginning of our relationship (we actually haven't been officially together yet) he told me bunch of stuff he denies now. For example, he told me that he met a girl during his relationship (which I see as cheating, even though he mentioned his relationship was "already over"), but now he swears that he's never ever told me anything like this and he never met another girl during his previous relationship. There's more stuff like that, I have a very good memory and I pay attention to detail, he clearly thinks I'm a fool.... Or he doesn't remember things? Maybe his brain is actually damaged. Also, he's super controlling (which many people would think it's sweet to keep messaging every 1 minute when I don't reply). I sometimes do the same thing on purpose and he usually gets angry saying he's not glued to the phone.... :| I think.... It's time to run. I'll stay single forever, is it me or is it difficult to build a healthy and good relationship these days?

Edited March 20, 2018 by Agakow

[Downtown]

I sometimes think he's got some psychological issues he's not aware of.

Aga, as Smackie suggested, he may have brain damage from his boxing days. It is more likely, however, that you are seeing immature behavior that originated in early childhood and started showing strongly by his early teens.

 

The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

We keep arguing about... super silly stuff.... he just sometimes get so easily offended and angry.

If he is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), he has a great fear of abandonment and engulfment. Those fears are so strong that he will be super-vigilent, seeing threats where they don't even exist.

 

It is common, for example, for a BPDer to laugh out loud when you tell the same joke 5 times -- and then become greatly offended when you tell it a sixth time. Because you never know what minor comment or action will offend a BPDer, you oftentimes will feel like you're walking on eggshells.

 

He told me bunch of stuff he denies now.

Again, he could have a head injury if this is a real memory problem. If he is deliberately lying, you are seeing narcissistic or sociopathic behavior.

 

Yet, if he is a BPDer, he likely believes the outrageous allegations coming out of his mouth. And a week later when he's saying the exact opposite, he likely believes that nonsense too. Because a BPDer is unable to regulate his own emotions, he frequently experiences feeling so intense that they distort his perceptions of your intentions and motivations -- causing him to reinterpret what was said in the past to conform to what he is feeling AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

 

When we don't argue and it's good, it's really good.

Like young children, BPDers tend to be very VERY good while they are splitting you white and very VERY bad while splitting you black. This black-white view of you is discussed below.

 

The abused partners of BPDers call this distortion of past events "rewriting history." It is very common in BPDers, as well as in young children. Their perception is strongly dictated by whatever intense feeling they are experiencing at this moment in time.

 

Guys, I really atm, love and hate him.

You are mature enough to be in touch with strong conflicting feelings -- love and hate -- at the same time. Your BF is unable to do that, however, if he is a BPDer. His rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) is a behavior that arises from "black-white thinking."

 

If he is a BPDer, he is too immature to be able to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. Hence, like a young child, he will categorize everyone close to him as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

You will see this same all-or-nothing behavior in a four year old who adores Mommy while she's bringing out the toys but, in a few seconds, will flip to hating Mommy when she takes one toy away.

 

I love him and in overall he's a good person.

BPDers typically exhibit the exuberance, vulnerability, warmth, and purity of expressions that otherwise are seen only in young children. They therefore generally are good people who are very easy to fall in love with. Their problem is not being bad but, rather, being emotionally unstable (due to their emotional immaturity).

 

He gives me an emotional roller coaster.

This roller coaster ride -- i.e., the repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back -- is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship. It occurs because a BPDer's two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that it is impossible for you to back away from triggering one of his fears without starting to trigger the other fear.

 

As you draw close to assure him of your love, for example, you will trigger his engulfment fear because, although BPDers crave intimacy, they cannot tolerate it for very long. Due to a BPDer's fragile, weak sense of self identity, he will quickly feel like you're trying to control him -- and he will get the scary feeling of being suffocated or engulfed.

 

Yet, as you back away to give him breathing space, you unavoidably will start triggering his abandonment fear. Hence, if your BF is a BPDer, you were always in a lose/lose situation. You lost no matter what you did.

 

He puts the whole blame on me.

Because a BPDer is filled with self loathing, the last thing he wants to find is one more mistake or flaw to add to the long list of things he hates about himself. His subconscious therefore works 24/7 protecting his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting his hurtful thoughts and feelings onto YOU.

 

Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, he will be absolutely convinced that the bad thoughts and feelings are originating outside his body with you. This is why a BPDer seeks frequent validation of his false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim."

 

I have no idea what went wrong

Given your ambivalence about staying with him, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest you learn how to protect yourself by being able to spot the red flags for BPD behavior.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., remaining in a toxic relationship or running into the arms of another man just like him.

 

I also caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your BF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for a year -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

I therefore suggest that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Aga.

Edited March 20, 2018 by Downtown