What do you think?

[Jenn2]

So to make a LONG story short I met a guy last summer and we slept starting sleeping together. This lasted for a few months until I got over it and knew nothing was coming out of it so I didn't want to go down that road anymore. A few months went by and I never contacted him (I always did it first.. yes drinking involved) We have mutual friends and saw each other 3, or 4 times after the last time and he said it was so good to see me but we didn't go home with each other. I left the bar early and didn't have any thoughts as to wanting to go home with him. The holidays go by and I am totally over it all. I had started to fall during the summer and it was super hard for me so for me to be completely over it all I was so happy. He had just gotten out of a bad relationship involving kids and wasn't in a good place when we met in the summer. I want to make note that every time we hooked up before the holidays, I had to initiate it! I would text or Snap and ask if they were out and wed all meet up and bam, wed end up at his house. He NEVER texted me late for a booty call or anything like that. So the holidays go by and early Jan. I get a Snap replying to my Snap story and he sparking up a convo with me. He then texts me and asks why I am up so late and we talk. He straight up asks me to come over and I politely declined. I told him id love to see him but it was late and I was already in bed. I had no intentions in going over there. So we say our goodnights and the next night, he texts me again! He is now APOLOGIZING for asking me to come over so late the night before. He said it was wrong of him! I told him he didn't have anything to worry about because I honestly hadn't thought anything about it and I honestly hadn't. He said it was wrong of him to use me like that and I said are you kidding? I understand why you'd ask me that and he said why is that? I said because every time we hang out we end up in your bed and he said I know and that is so wrong of me? You are such a good person and you don't deserve that? I honestly started laughing and told him don't worry about it! We are two adults having fun and it takes two to tango! We said our goodbyes and I heard from him in the next few weeks and I didn't respond. Then we snapped a few times.

Welllll..... two weekends ago.. I started drinking with NO INTENTIONS of wondering about him. The bar is fixing to close and all of my girlfriends want to "after party" and we have at his house before. I saw where he had just looked at my Snap so I texted and he invites us over. We all laughed and talked until LATE. He apologized AGAIN about texting me that one night and I was like OMG ITS FINE! And he kept going on about it. Well.. we ended up hooking up... Okay so thats not what I care about. I just can't quite shake why he is so worried about texting me that one time? He told me he was so worried after he did it? Like WHY? WHY am I always the one to "booty call" him and its okay but he feels bad for doing it to me? Do I intimidate him? We have such good chemistry and sexual chemistry. When we are together he can't keep his hands off of me. Our mutual friends said he talked about me this last summer and told his guy friends about me. (Some of them knew me)

We laugh and every time I stay over we stay up late talking. Its not like he texts me "hey you up? come over" Its not like that! Like what is wrong with me? I am tall, blonde and always get told how amazing and how caring I am. He says I am such a sweetheart. I am the single one of the group and I am the one who all of my friends say "your just not good enough for anyone" and your too gorgeous for just anyone. I dress super cute and usually look well put together. All of my friends are gorgeous and my friends say how pretty I am but I have some low self confidence. I don't believe any of that but does he see that? Is it a good thing? Maybe he doesn't want to disrespect me? I truly can't shake why he keeps apologizing! I know nothing will come out of it because he is just having fun right now and I know he is "with other women" and I don't want to get in anything messy or drama. He is the only person I have been sexually active with over the last 8 months so no, I'm not a whore. I don't go out and drink every weekend. I am almost 30 and am going back to school. I live in a small town and its so hard to meet people so of course everyone hears everything and knows everyone. I just don't know what to think. Ive been thinking.. am I so hideous he doesn't want to hook up but when I give him the chance he will because I am a girl and what guy turns down a girl? But then why would he apologize for disrespecting me? I need some insight and then I'm closing this book... FOR GOOD. Im not in a funk because we hooked up I'm in a funk because I love being around him and wish he wasn't in such a bad place. I hate spending such little time with him and then never seeing him for a while. I think we could really have fun together and connect! Thats why I quit this and why I am quitting again. Please anyone! Id love positive information but Id love honesty too. Ive just never been in a spot like this before! The last tricky one was straight up booty calling me late and that is sooooo annoying!

Edited February 21, 2018 by Jenn2

[Jenn2]

I try and be the best person that I can be and am kind to everyone. Do I come off as “too good” because I don’t want to do that. Everyone likes me... I get a long with everyone. I just need some help on understanding this.

[Chilli]

What guy turns down a girl , you even serious, l've turned down plenty.

Sorry to say but you said you want honesty well , you chased him and later jumped in the sack so it was convenient and easy for him at the time.

Sorry but there's 100s of posts here doing and then complaining about exactly the same thing.

 

You gotta drop it and move on l'm afraid.

[lurker74]

He sounds like he may be a "nice guy." By that I mean that he felt bad that he asked you for sex, as if it doesn't fit his definition of being a gentleman. That could mean he's a gentleman or it could mean that he SEES himself as a gentleman (which is more common).

 

So his libido got up, he was remembering previous encounters with you, and he asked. Then you said no, he probably took care of himself, and then the next day when his libido wasn't raging he felt bad.

 

Note: I am not defending him. He could be a jerk. But I doubt it. It sounds like he gave you exactly what you were asking for...sex and a small amount of no commitment companionship.

 

My question is why not have a conversation with him? Let me tell you a story of a guy I know that just a couple of years ago didn't think he was worth much. He was coming out of a marriage that his wife had sex with him once or twice a year, didn't share a bed with him, and a bunch of other things. When he started dating, he didn't even bother talking to or messaging attractive or powerful women because he didn't think he was worth it.

 

Eventually, this guy went to therapy, went to the gym, became happy within himself, and sees himself differently now. Today, he doesn't think he's better than anyone but truly believes and knows that no woman is out of his league or better than him, which makes him a better potential partner. Not because he's arrogant but because he can be honest with a partner...and be their equal, regardless of what they look like, how smart or kind they are, or what they do for a living. He can admire them for who they actually ARE.

 

So there's a chance that he thinks that you're better than him and that pursuing you is a fool's errand. That you're using him for what you want and you never wanted more. So when he asks you to come over and you demure, he feels like an ass.

 

So if you just want to close the book, close it. But if you're interested in how the book ends, have a conversation with him.

[d0nnivain]

First paragraphs are your friends. Please use them. That wall of text was brutal & I probably missed some key details

 

I think you would like to change the rules of engagement but you aren't t

telling him that.

 

6 + months ago when you two started this, he was in a bad place. You really don't know where his head is at now because you two Snap, drink & have sex. You say you spend time talking when you are together but you haven't been together since this most recent hook up which involved an after party at his place with a lot of people then late night / early morning sex. He may have had time to heal.

 

Every time you reached out to him you had sex. You are a hot blonde, who is a nice person. I don't know where your self esteem issues come from but most women would want to be you. So of course when you offered, he said yes. He didn't have to ask you out, wine & dine you. You were practically unsolicited delivery.

 

Now months later he suggests a booty call for the 1st time. You said no. But you also said you would like to see him just not then because it was too late. Kind of a mixed message. If he'd asked earlier you might have gone over there. He recognized the ask for what it was -- a booty call & apologized the next day after you said no. It's a double standard. He was always there when you asked for the booty call & showed up at his house but he thought you were unnerved when he initiated. Then a few days later you fell back into your pattern -- you inviting yourself & your friends to his house to drink his booze then falling into bed with him.

 

You think that you two could make a connection & have fun but you don't understand why he is not pursing a relationship with you. He thinks he doesn't have to or that you don't want one. He thinks you like sex on demand on your schedule & he's OK with providing that. At no point have you indicated to him that you want more.

 

What you need to do at this point is communicate to him -- sober & with your clothes on, not in a bedroom -- that you'd like to know where his head is at & if he'd like to change the rules. Try reaching out not for sex but to talk. If you aren't willing to ask him on a date, say something like how come we never go on dates? If he's interested, he will immediately arrange something. Try to make it not net flix & chill or dinner at his house. It's OK if you end up in bed after the out of the house actual date but my point is there needs to be an outing

 

If he isn't open to the idea of going on a date with you, then you have to conclude that he only wants this NSA sex thing you have going on. If that no longer works for you, you need to tell him that & stop bothering with him. Neither one of you is strong enough to resist the sexual pull in favor of being "just friends."

 

Good luck.

[AndreaRiley]

What you need to do at this point is communicate to him -- sober & with your clothes on, not in a bedroom -- that you'd like to know where his head is at & if he'd like to change the rules.

 

 

 

 

I agree with lurker, I believe to settle this matter, you two must talk.

[Jenn2]

DO I text and say whats up? Do I invite him to an event? I just don't want to get turned down. I wear my heart on my sleeve and was so happy once I was over it all. Back in the summer/early fall when we first met and were hooking up, I heard of him hooking up with other girls and Id see him out standing by a girl but he would always make time to come find me and give me a hug and say it was good to see you. He has never texted and asked how I was... we have never talked like that. We have had conversations in person tons of times and that one time when he texted apologizing. We talked for quite some time. Then when he brought it up again two weekends ago... like WHY is he apologizing for doing what I have done multiple times? He has told me he knows I am not like that and that I am not "nasty".. did he feel bad? I don't know. It seemed like he wanted to say more but he didn't. I just don't know what to say to him? Every time I would text him it wasn't for a booty call it was to see what he was doing, him and his friends would come meet up with us at the bar or club and wed all go back to his house. It wasn't like I walked up to his door, knocked and walked into his house and went to his room. Its never been like that. He likes other girls pictures on FB but he has never liked mine? Not that I care but those things give me hints that he is just wanting to sleep around still. I just don't understand why he hasn't initiated it with me before? Then the one time he does, he apologizes? And all this happened after no communication for almost 2, 2 1/2 months. I WAS OVER IT ALL. Blahhhh

 

 

He sounds like he may be a "nice guy." By that I mean that he felt bad that he asked you for sex, as if it doesn't fit his definition of being a gentleman. That could mean he's a gentleman or it could mean that he SEES himself as a gentleman (which is more common).

 

So his libido got up, he was remembering previous encounters with you, and he asked. Then you said no, he probably took care of himself, and then the next day when his libido wasn't raging he felt bad.

 

Note: I am not defending him. He could be a jerk. But I doubt it. It sounds like he gave you exactly what you were asking for...sex and a small amount of no commitment companionship.

 

My question is why not have a conversation with him? Let me tell you a story of a guy I know that just a couple of years ago didn't think he was worth much. He was coming out of a marriage that his wife had sex with him once or twice a year, didn't share a bed with him, and a bunch of other things. When he started dating, he didn't even bother talking to or messaging attractive or powerful women because he didn't think he was worth it.

 

Eventually, this guy went to therapy, went to the gym, became happy within himself, and sees himself differently now. Today, he doesn't think he's better than anyone but truly believes and knows that no woman is out of his league or better than him, which makes him a better potential partner. Not because he's arrogant but because he can be honest with a partner...and be their equal, regardless of what they look like, how smart or kind they are, or what they do for a living. He can admire them for who they actually ARE.

 

So there's a chance that he thinks that you're better than him and that pursuing you is a fool's errand. That you're using him for what you want and you never wanted more. So when he asks you to come over and you demure, he feels like an ass.

 

So if you just want to close the book, close it. But if you're interested in how the book ends, have a conversation with him.

[Jenn2]

I guess I just know I could make some more healthier options and be skinnier. I know.. I know poor me. I need to lose weight and take care of myself more! I am so pissed that I was over it all after being miserable all summer. It makes it hard that his good friends lives with and dates a good friend of mine. So back around Nov. she had laughed and said she thought he wanted to be a playboy and for me to just have fun. She didn't even know we were hooking up because I don't throw my business out there like that and we aren't super close but he had told her and they talked about me. I saw him after he told her and he was saying how highly she spoke of me and said I was such a good person. This was back in Sept. I saw him out and about Nov. and he made a point to come say hi and honestly.. I was so over it all. Then Jan comes around and he hits me up with the late night text then the next day the apologies. I don't understand why he doesn't ever booty call me first?! Would it make me feel slutty... kind of haha! But why doesn't he??!?! I know.. I sound crazy. I just don't know what my next step is. He had some time to act wild and now months later I get the weird feeling to text him and thats when I did a few weekends back. No intentions at all... It just happened. I had a feeling. Its so sad because I could really see us having some fun together. No it might not go anywhere but Id love to try. Im afraid when we had that long conversation when he apologized that I turned him off? I told him it takes two to tango and I loved to have fun and not to apologize. I told him if anything.. he made a new friends during all of this......... it wasn't a straight up friend zone but he kept saying I feel like I used you for sex and blah blah. I told him its okay! And he said he was embarrassed for texting me the night before with intentions of me coming over and sleeping with him. Usually man whores don't say sorry? Don't they usually sleep around and not care? No worriers at all? When I saw him two weekends ago he told me he was so worried about it?

 

 

First paragraphs are your friends. Please use them. That wall of text was brutal & I probably missed some key details

 

I think you would like to change the rules of engagement but you aren't t

telling him that.

 

6 + months ago when you two started this, he was in a bad place. You really don't know where his head is at now because you two Snap, drink & have sex. You say you spend time talking when you are together but you haven't been together since this most recent hook up which involved an after party at his place with a lot of people then late night / early morning sex. He may have had time to heal.

 

Every time you reached out to him you had sex. You are a hot blonde, who is a nice person. I don't know where your self esteem issues come from but most women would want to be you. So of course when you offered, he said yes. He didn't have to ask you out, wine & dine you. You were practically unsolicited delivery.

 

Now months later he suggests a booty call for the 1st time. You said no. But you also said you would like to see him just not then because it was too late. Kind of a mixed message. If he'd asked earlier you might have gone over there. He recognized the ask for what it was -- a booty call & apologized the next day after you said no. It's a double standard. He was always there when you asked for the booty call & showed up at his house but he thought you were unnerved when he initiated. Then a few days later you fell back into your pattern -- you inviting yourself & your friends to his house to drink his booze then falling into bed with him.

 

You think that you two could make a connection & have fun but you don't understand why he is not pursing a relationship with you. He thinks he doesn't have to or that you don't want one. He thinks you like sex on demand on your schedule & he's OK with providing that. At no point have you indicated to him that you want more.

 

What you need to do at this point is communicate to him -- sober & with your clothes on, not in a bedroom -- that you'd like to know where his head is at & if he'd like to change the rules. Try reaching out not for sex but to talk. If you aren't willing to ask him on a date, say something like how come we never go on dates? If he's interested, he will immediately arrange something. Try to make it not net flix & chill or dinner at his house. It's OK if you end up in bed after the out of the house actual date but my point is there needs to be an outing

 

If he isn't open to the idea of going on a date with you, then you have to conclude that he only wants this NSA sex thing you have going on. If that no longer works for you, you need to tell him that & stop bothering with him. Neither one of you is strong enough to resist the sexual pull in favor of being "just friends."

 

Good luck.

[Jenn2]

I guess I don't want to look stupid if he is being a town whore haha! We definitely have a chemistry and sexual chemistry. I don't know how to attack it casually and just see where it goes? We've never just had a conversation via TEXT besides when he said sorry. Should I text him and say sorry for contacting him so late.. that I shouldn't of done that? I seriously want to say when you are done having fun and if you want to take someone to dinner and sit down and talk over drinks holler at me id love to. But how do you say that?!?!? haha

 

 

I guess I just know I could make some more healthier options and be skinnier. I know.. I know poor me. I need to lose weight and take care of myself more! I am so pissed that I was over it all after being miserable all summer. It makes it hard that his good friends lives with and dates a good friend of mine. So back around Nov. she had laughed and said she thought he wanted to be a playboy and for me to just have fun. She didn't even know we were hooking up because I don't throw my business out there like that and we aren't super close but he had told her and they talked about me. I saw him after he told her and he was saying how highly she spoke of me and said I was such a good person. This was back in Sept. I saw him out and about Nov. and he made a point to come say hi and honestly.. I was so over it all. Then Jan comes around and he hits me up with the late night text then the next day the apologies. I don't understand why he doesn't ever booty call me first?! Would it make me feel slutty... kind of haha! But why doesn't he??!?! I know.. I sound crazy. I just don't know what my next step is. He had some time to act wild and now months later I get the weird feeling to text him and thats when I did a few weekends back. No intentions at all... It just happened. I had a feeling. Its so sad because I could really see us having some fun together. No it might not go anywhere but Id love to try. Im afraid when we had that long conversation when he apologized that I turned him off? I told him it takes two to tango and I loved to have fun and not to apologize. I told him if anything.. he made a new friends during all of this......... it wasn't a straight up friend zone but he kept saying I feel like I used you for sex and blah blah. I told him its okay! And he said he was embarrassed for texting me the night before with intentions of me coming over and sleeping with him. Usually man whores don't say sorry? Don't they usually sleep around and not care? No worriers at all? When I saw him two weekends ago he told me he was so worried about it?

[Imajerk17]

Sorry OP but I just get the impression that you served yourself up to him like a hot pie from Dominos. He hardly had to lift a finger yet you were there. And he isn't calling much these days because,well, he hardly feels like pizza anymore.

 

(Or at least I think. Your writing w the walls of text is really hard to follow--so I just skimmed. You'd really do yourself better to organize your thoughts better)

[Jenn2]

Last thing.. haha! I just hate the fact that I was added his who hook up list I guess? When I know I am worth way more than that. And he is so nice.. he doesn't mean to hurt anyone. I truly think I was one of the first girls he slept with after his break up because of some of the things he said. I just don't know what to do. I can ignore it and get over it again and know not to fall into it again or make an ass of myself and do the next step.

[Cookiesandough]

Just ignore him and move on

[d0nnivain]

Jenn2

 

 

If you want to lose weight, that is on you, not him. Just start getting more movement in your day, eating less & cutting down on booze. The empty calories in alcohol are staggering.

 

 

You say this guy lives with a roommate who your friend is dating. That makes this soooooo easy. Get her to plan something for the 4 of you . . not a double date per se but a causal dinner out or even you going over there to have pizza & play a board game with them, anything to get the 4 of you in the same place. As the evening wears on once you & the guy are alone ask him what the deal is.

 

 

Don't text him. NEVER ever try to have a relationship discussion through any medium other than face to face. Skype / FaceTime is OK but text, e-mail & social media will all cause more problems then they solve.

 

 

There is no reason to be contrived when you can get your friend to easily create the ideal situation without much effort.

[kendahke]

So to make a LONG story short I met a guy last summer and we slept starting sleeping together.

This lasted for a few months

A few months went by and I never contacted him (I always did it first.. yes drinking involved)

I had to initiate it!

I would text or Snap.

he had just looked at my Snap so I texted

I truly think I was one of the first girls he slept with after his break up because of some of the things he said.

Id love honesty too.

 

He probably figured out that you weren't powerful enough to erase his "not yet gone" feelings for his ex; and perhaps that's why he's apologizing over and over because he realized what he was trying to do. At least he figured out what he was doing and is apologizing for it. Other guys may have just dropped you off at the mall and kept going...

 

No distraction is going to work--it's something he's going to have to sit with and process

 

You're going to have to accept this truth about this guy: he won't, of his own volition, initiate anything as far as you are concerned. He will let you do all of the chasing, calling, texting and snapping because you make it too convenient for him; therefore, he doesn't have to exercise himself in the process. He knows you'll be around eventually.

 

If you want to gauge his actual interest in arsing himself as far as you're concerned, quit chasing and initiating anything with him.