Date or No Date (There is no try)

[TheBlingRing14]

Alright, so this guy and I have been talking about getting together for a date for a few weeks now. (OLD) He's been out of the state for the last couple of weeks, really busy with his work. But, we made tentative plans for tonight. Slightly more than tentative, in that we decided what we were going to do and where to go, but didn't iron out the details.

 

As I said, he has been quite busy with work. He always messaged me after work, but it was usually late. But, he still messaged me. So, on Wednesday, I made the comment that if this weekend didn't work, it's cool, we won't worry about it. But, he insisted, no he was still planning on it, we'd work the details out on Thursday.

 

Okay fine. Well, on Thursday, he had a major issue come up with the project he was on, and with him leaving the next day, the team was up against the clock to get things figured out. So, once again, I repeated myself that hey maybe Saturday isn't good. And, once again he repeated himself and insisted that it was going to happen, not to overthink it. He said he would let me know the details tomorrow (Friday)

 

So, he worked all day, and then had a late flight back. He messaged me about 11 o clock to let me know he got home okay, but that he was about to crash out, and he'd message me the details today.

 

I really dunno what to do. The Type A planning part of me is super stressed, thinking we need to get reservations and a concrete plan in place. And flying by the seat of my pants is a little unkosher for me. I also don't want to be devalued, and have him think I will just wait around for him. But, that said, I don't want to be harsh and I'm trying to be understanding that he was very overworked and was doing nothing but working and sleeping the last couple weeks.

 

Should I pull the "Sorry, Charie, you never confirmed our plans. Too late" thing? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt?

[losangelena]

I'm generally skeptical of the whole "I'm so busy I don't have time to send a text message" thing, and find people's work schedules to be generally tedious to hear about.

 

However, I think you're over-thinking this.

 

It's not like he hasn't been in touch, and it's not like y'all haven't decided that later today is date time. So you're not "waiting around for him," per se.

 

In this scenario, you could:

 

Wait and say nothing, and jump to whatever plans he eventually comes up with, or, pull a power move, make a reservation yourself and tell him what y'all are doing for your date.

 

 

I like option B. Do not wait around for him. Make the plans yourself and see what he says. Stop sitting around worrying about it. Have a little fun with it; be cheeky. Tell him he waited too long to have a say in what y'all are doing, that he better hut-to, and look sharp doing it. I'd imagine that a guy who's had a hectic couple of work weeks would appreciate that, not to mention the confidence is sexy.

 

It's a first OLD date. This should be a zero pressure, zero worry affair. If he gets salty, say "boy, bye" and go find someone else. Let this slide. If y'all go out, have a good time, continue to see each other, and this keeps being a problem, then yeah, bring it up. But for now, just make the plans yourself and see what happens.

[TheBlingRing14]

I'm generally skeptical of the whole "I'm so busy I don't have time to send a text message" thing, and find people's work schedules to be generally tedious to hear about.

 

However, I think you're over-thinking this.

 

It's not like he hasn't been in touch, and it's not like y'all haven't decided that later today is date time. So you're not "waiting around for him," per se.

 

In this scenario, you could:

 

Wait and say nothing, and jump to whatever plans he eventually comes up with, or, pull a power move, make a reservation yourself and tell him what y'all are doing for your date.

 

 

I like option B. Do not wait around for him. Make the plans yourself and see what he says. Stop sitting around worrying about it. Have a little fun with it; be cheeky. Tell him he waited too long to have a say in what y'all are doing, that he better hut-to, and look sharp doing it. I'd imagine that a guy who's had a hectic couple of work weeks would appreciate that, not to mention the confidence is sexy.

 

It's a first OLD date. This should be a zero pressure, zero worry affair. If he gets salty, say "boy, bye" and go find someone else. Let this slide. If y'all go out, have a good time, continue to see each other, and this keeps being a problem, then yeah, bring it up. But for now, just make the plans yourself and see what happens.

 

These are my thoughts exactly...I too am very skeptical about that sort of thing. I mean...what was he doing while sitting and waiting at the airport, after all?

 

But...as you said, I mean...it's not like he didn't stay in touch. He has messaged me pretty much every single day to check in.

 

And I have no problem being bold or anything. I just don't want to show up to a restaurant, and have him not show up.

[d0nnivain]

Do not go to the restaurant without confirming with him.

 

Around noon send him a text that says, are we still on for tonight? [name of restaurant] at 7 work for you?

 

See if he responds. If at 6 you haven't heard from him make other plans & never speak to him again.

[act00]

This is a difficult place to be, because you have connected to some degree via text and hopefully calls, but this busy schedule and unavailability are pretty classic to guys that seem to want to keep a pen pal and maybe if time permits and they're in the mood, you'll meet. In the meantime, you wait. You may have things come up, go out with friends, another date, but you don't know whether to plan or not because this guy seems adamant that you WILL be going out. But this busy-ness...it's like they're setting the stage for a last-minute bail...you were warned.

 

Always solidify a plan. Seven p.m. at LakeHouse Grill for a drink and go from there. I think if you just toss that out to him, hopefully you have a timeline to work with, you can see how he responds. Plan something that is convenient for you...you highly suspect being stood up at this point, so plan to not waste it and you can tackle some grocery shopping or other errands on the way home. Who knows, being all dressed up, you might meet someone while picking out avocados.

 

Don't deal with this perpetual texting. If he bails this time, fine, you pick if he gets another shot and make sure you have a date, place, and time set up, and don't allow it to be set up for a week from now because too much can happen in a week, what with his busy schedule and all...you'll figure out if he's genuine soon enough. So far it doesn't look good. Even if he's genuine, is he available to date and dedicate some time to cultivating a relationship? Is your future looking like a date once a month or so due to his hectic schedule? Will that work for you? Are you willing to be patient and work around it until things hopefully slow down? We're super busy at work this time of year, but there's an end in sight, but that's the key here...there's an end.

[TheBlingRing14]

This is a difficult place to be, because you have connected to some degree via text and hopefully calls, but this busy schedule and unavailability are pretty classic to guys that seem to want to keep a pen pal and maybe if time permits and they're in the mood, you'll meet. In the meantime, you wait. You may have things come up, go out with friends, another date, but you don't know whether to plan or not because this guy seems adamant that you WILL be going out. But this busy-ness...it's like they're setting the stage for a last-minute bail...you were warned.

 

Always solidify a plan. Seven p.m. at LakeHouse Grill for a drink and go from there. I think if you just toss that out to him, hopefully you have a timeline to work with, you can see how he responds. Plan something that is convenient for you...you highly suspect being stood up at this point, so plan to not waste it and you can tackle some grocery shopping or other errands on the way home. Who knows, being all dressed up, you might meet someone while picking out avocados.

 

Don't deal with this perpetual texting. If he bails this time, fine, you pick if he gets another shot and make sure you have a date, place, and time set up, and don't allow it to be set up for a week from now because too much can happen in a week, what with his busy schedule and all...you'll figure out if he's genuine soon enough. So far it doesn't look good. Even if he's genuine, is he available to date and dedicate some time to cultivating a relationship? Is your future looking like a date once a month or so due to his hectic schedule? Will that work for you? Are you willing to be patient and work around it until things hopefully slow down? We're super busy at work this time of year, but there's an end in sight, but that's the key here...there's an end.

 

Exactly. It's tricky.....because it's not like he just started ignoring me all week, and I can read the writing on the wall and be done with it.

 

Another issue, is that he has to drive 3 hours for our date. The day after a long work day and late flight. Which, I feel bad about. But, it's the plans we made, and he insisted on keeping them.

 

In the meantime, my sister needs a sitter, and I would offer if I could but....ugh, I just dunno.

[d0nnivain]

Then put the shoe on his foot. You beg off last minute. Send him a text that say you have a family matter that came up & you're canceling. Go sit for your sister & enjoy her kids.

 

Next time make a date plan that is equi-distant for you both or date men who aren't so geographically undesirable. The logistics just make this unworkable all the way around. It's too much effort already for too little reward.

[introverted1]

I think you are jumping the gun. You said in your OP that "we decided what we were going to do and where to go, but didn't iron out the details." Since then, he's been busy but has reconfirmed your plans at least twice, both times after you've seemingly tried to beg off. He has remained in touch and, although you didn't iron out details when you initially agreed to, nothing appears to have changed about the master plan. I'd ride it out for a bit longer and see how you feel after the date.

[TheBlingRing14]

Ugh...well I lost it, and told him to forget it.

 

Dunno if I did the right thing or not. But, it is what it is.

 

So last night he said he would message me all the details this morning, right? Well after not hearing from him, I sent him a good morning text, which he responded to....said he was running out for errands, and he would text me midday.

 

At which point I told him, point blank. "No." amongst other things.

 

He then said that when he messages me later, I would understand. That's when I unleashed on him that it's not fair for me to sit and wonder what's going on.

 

I guess if I blew it, I blew it.

[act00]

I don't think you blew it.

 

The distance is a major, major issue.

 

I don't do long distance. Even in a hum-drum, no stress lifestyle, three hours is too much.

 

One way or round trip? If round trip, you're still looking at 1-1/2 hours each way...nope.

 

Over the course of time, I would think a solid plan could have formed if he was as serious as he said he was, but time and time again, he kept saying "later."

 

"Later" never happened.

 

Like I said, with his busy schedule and last minute project failures that needed resolution, and the travel...probably all bullsh**...just setting the stage for that last-minute bail. Even if all this is real, the guy shouldn't be embarking on a relationship if there is no time to cultivate it.

 

He got what he got due to his lack of availability.

 

I don't do long-distance. I have a hard time with 30-40 minutes one way. I want someone tangible and available.

 

My exhusband met someone long distance (neighboring state) and they eventually married...it's possible, but it takes some serious work, time, and money to make the time to see each other in person and grow a relationship, and this guy you're dating can't nail down anything solid a week from now...but he'll tell you later and you'll understand and it will make sense...later.

 

And later never happens.

 

You made the right choice.

 

If this guy is real, he'll make major efforts to make this happen and won't be flaky on times and details with "later." U-pick if you want to entertain a second try.

[losangelena]

Eh, no harm no foul here. All this for a first date? And he's three hours away?

 

The fact that he was still thinking it was a good idea to meet you today, even though he's had zero time to barely think about anything other than work for the last two week, tells me he doesn't have a good grip on reality. I think most people, even when faced with the prospect of a potentially good first date, would beg off for a day to catch their breath and rest. But he was willing to drive three hours to meet you today? And hadn't even come up with a plan to do so by the morning? It all sounds like a headache.

[Cookiesandough]

No Date. Planning the first date shouldn’t be that complicated. If he genuinely was that busy in a more developed country he wouldn’t be using a dating app. He’d be using precious spare moments to rethink his life. He’s not that busy.

[TheBlingRing14]

UPDATE: Okay....ugh.

 

So, just FYI on the long distance thing...I actually live in a pretty small, rural area, and my options on the dating front are few and far between. And, I don't really want to move to a larger city. I like a simpler life. So, I have personally reconciled within myself that if long-distance is how it is to be....I'm willing to make it work. But...that all starts with a single date. And, that's where we are right now. Also, my last relationship moved overseas almost immediately after we met, so...hey, anything shorter than 4,000 miles is a win for me.

 

So, he got back with me, and he spilled all of his supposed work drama. IF it's true, and I don't know whether it is or not, but if it is....yeah, I feel for the guy and I get why he has been in a tailspin lately. But..he still should have let me know this a couple of days ago. At least yesterday. And, I told him as much too. I told him that it was unfair to just let things linger and say, "Yes, it's going to happen, yes it's going to happen" and then....be iffy about it. At least say, "You know, it's 50/50 at this point if Saturday is going to happen, so if you want to make other plans..." He did apologize for stringing me along like that.

 

BUT, here is where the guy is an absolute tool. He said he still wants to go out. So, if I want to drive up there, or maybe we can meet halfway...but, and I quote, "it's up to you if you want to bail or not" Me bailing on HIM? What a laugh. For one, I do have a life, and because of the tentative plans we had already made, I had plans which keeps me here till late afternoon/early evening. Had we discussed all this a couple of days ago...maybe my plans could have been re-arranged. I mean....yes it bugs me that he said he would drive to me, because whatever would make me more comfortable he was willing to do. And now it's like....well if you want to meet me you'll have to drive to me.

 

So, I leveled with him.....I can't get up there, even if I wanted to, until midnight, so....it's not really an option. So, then he suggested a weeknight date, which I am like....for the fact that we both work and the distance, I really don't see the point of a weeknight date. But....again, he's being persistant about it. I really don't know what the point of all this is.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think you blew anything. I think you just finally could no longer avoid the realization that this guy wasn't willing or able to put in the effort

 

Do something fun & fabulous with your sister's kids tonight.

[Popsicle]

He may be too much of a workaholic for you. Some people are like that.

[Cookiesandough]

It’s called e-tethering /stringing someone along. Happens all the time. You haven’t met yet. You know nothing about him. He could be married, have a girlfriend, Talking to other girls that are distracting him, have no intention to me but like the penpal aspect. I would move on if I were in this position

[winny]

Too much stress for a first date, let this one go.

It will only get worse if you don't.