Can a person like this be real? Or am I too otherwise conditioned?

[agawam25]

Hello all,

 

some of you might have read some of my previous posts. If you haven't, here's a lowdown on my past year in dating:

 

- I broke off all contact with an ex I was with for eight years prior to our breakup 1.5 years ago. It was a toxic relationship that ended up going down in flames. I had to regain control over my life and start over with not much more than a suitcase of things and about $400 in cash.

 

-Sometime in May I met someone I thought was the opposite of my ex (who was showing signs of BPD). It was quite rocky as well and although she was opposite in many ways, it turned out that some things (i.e. a need for controlling my life, constant negative influence on my self-esteem, etc.) were the same. So I realised I have a pattern, and I broke it off and we've been NC (until tonight, when she sent me a message but I didn't engage).

 

-Past month or so, I reconnected with a fling but I recognised that she's too much for me to handle (I'm in my 30s, she's eight years younger, and although we're in the same profession that requires a particular type of calm and collected person, she's very unbalanced and not very serious about life - likes going out too much for my taste, shows blatant disregard for any kind of responsibility in life, etc.) So I ended it in the meantime, and through honest talk we both decided to remain friends because no-one was too invested.

 

Here's what's going on now: I started chatting with this girl I know - or rather, she initiated contact - who happens to be a flight attendant. She's ten years younger than me, seems to have her priorities straight, graduated college and went into this particular profession for financial reasons (she works for a well-paying international company, not a US one, and so far apparently it's been quite lucrative). Seems like she became head over heels for me in the short time we've been chatting. I mean, we share a lot in common, despite our age difference, not to mention that we have pretty much the same fetishes (I have some very specific ones, and I think having a healthy relationship towards sex is key to a healthy relationship in general). Sex aside, her demeanour is best described as sweet - she sends me these incredibly sweet messages that sometimes leave me speechless and smiling at my phone.

 

I mean, I'm really impressed by a stable, sweet girl who's really in tune with her sexuality as well, not to mention that there's the pull of a younger hot girl that's hard to resist anyway. It's just that... I don't know how to respond to that, because I've been in manipulative relationships all my life, starting with my mother, who had implanted those patterns in me from an early age. So whenever I get a sweet message from this girl, I'm in some sort of a panic mode. Why is she so nice? Especially since we have not met in person yet.

 

Any thoughts?

[CptInsano]

Only one way to find out: Meet in person. Everything until then is pure conjecture. I have had contacts that seemed to be too good to be true, but they ended up being real. Don't be a fool, but don't fall victim to low expectations, either.

[agawam25]

Only one way to find out: Meet in person. Everything until then is pure conjecture. I have had contacts that seemed to be too good to be true, but they ended up being real. Don't be a fool, but don't fall victim to low expectations, either.

 

The plan is to meet in person - she's trying to reshuffle her roster so she can take a few days to come visit the city I'm in. And of course I won't do either. I'm more worried about my own reaction to her: what if she turns out to be a healthy, sane person capable of a healthy relationship, yet that somehow turns me off?

[preraph]

I see why you're worried. Honestly, I'd be suspecting she's a prostitute, not a flight attendant. Have you skyped with her? Not that that proves anything other than she's a female and not some geezer. Tell her to skype you with her flight attendant uniform on -- though if she's a pro, she may well own one.

[agawam25]

I see why you're worried. Honestly, I'd be suspecting she's a prostitute, not a flight attendant. Have you skyped with her? Not that that proves anything other than she's a female and not some geezer. Tell her to skype you with her flight attendant uniform on -- though if she's a pro, she may well own one.

 

I've been friends with her on social networks for a while now. She's definitely a flight attendant She's also sent me photos while getting ready to go to work, so... I think we're all clear on that one.

 

Also, I do investigative work and trust me when I say I ran her through the system. She's legit.

[winny]

Okay don't overthink this.

 

Meet her in person and then take it from there.

 

Life is harsh sometimes and our past experiences scar us. Life is however very good sometimes and who knows this girl maybe as nice as she sounds.

 

Don't assume anything and build up stories inside your head. Meet her and then slowly you can evaluate her as a person.

[agawam25]

Okay don't overthink this.

 

Meet her in person and then take it from there.

 

Life is harsh sometimes and our past experiences scar us. Life is however very good sometimes and who knows this girl maybe as nice as she sounds.

 

Don't assume anything and build up stories inside your head. Meet her and then slowly you can evaluate her as a person.

 

The reason why I gave you the intro re: my previous relationship in this timeframe is to give you a sense of just how guarded I am. I've included the latest attempt at dating to show you that at this point I'm really protective of myself and unwilling to take on another "project," as my friends tend to say when referring to my past relationships. Obviously, I'm overthinking it. And I know it sounds stupid that nice messages bother me, but it's like I've picked up this thing where I have a feeling there's some sort of manipulation behind it whereas most likely given the evidence it's just who she is.

[agawam25]

And just to reiterate how difficult it is to shed previous models and patterns of behaviour, there's a part of me, quite minuscule yet present, who would like to respond to my ex's tonight's message and restart that vicious cycle of depreciation and manipulation.

[basil67]

You will never know the real person until you've been closely dating for six months or more. All you can do is give it a shot and hope for the best.

[Highndry]

Never get your hopes up too high without meeting somebody in person. Ever. It's all fantasy until that point.

[SevenCity]

Never get your hopes up too high without meeting somebody in person. Ever. It's all fantasy until that point.

 

Exactly. I've had dates I didn't want to go on that turned out great, and others that I couldn't wait to go on that fell flat.

 

And the first date is just the beginning. You don't know a person until you're past the honeymoon period (3 months to 2 years).

 

But I'll say this, don't blame her for what other women did. Treat everyone as unique.

 

Oh and mad props for landing younger chicks

[Scarlett.O'hara]

And just to reiterate how difficult it is to shed previous models and patterns of behaviour, there's a part of me, quite minuscule yet present, who would like to respond to my ex's tonight's message and restart that vicious cycle of depreciation and manipulation.

 

If you really want to break old destructive patterns, start by blocking all your exes and having no further communication with them. It may sound harsh, but it is important to make a fresh start and make positive changes.

 

Next, meet this new person soon so you have a better idea of who she is and whether you are actually compatible in person. From there, just take it slow and get to know more before getting serious and discussing a future.

 

Try not to sabotage your own happiness.

[Els]

I think you're overthinking things. Meet in person and see how it goes. No point driving around in circles before that.

 

If you do meet in person and both decide you want to take things further, you may need to have a think about how you handle LDRs. Flight attendants are typically away much of the time, and at her age she likely doesn't have the seniority to negotiate schedule.

[central]

Meet her and find out - anything else is silly speculation. Does she seem too good to be real? Some people really ARE that good, for real, and in person, too.

[act00]

It's really hard to know what's normal, and let's be realistic in that normal doesn't feel right when your life relationships have been a string of wrongs...of course you think something is wrong when it's different. You're waiting for the other shoe to drop. You haven't met her in person yet, and you won't know anything until you can actually spend serious time together. You certainly have yourself on guard for warning signs...try not to let past relationships taint you, but do remain aware...it's a walk on a tightrope.

 

The travel and unavailability and distance and the gooey, lovey messages are red flags to me. This is how frauds operate. They suck you in. I get these messages a lot. They're always "military," which requires travel and deployment, and they're widowed with a young child...same story each time. They might work military as a civilian. Occasionally they just travel for work a lot in some other capacity. Very unavailable with time zones. You say she's legit, but proceed with caution. The more gooey they are, the more you worry it's fraudulent. I'm a woman, and normal guys who travel a lot make it clear they just want casual. I don't know what the common theme is for women frauds or what men encounter. I'm thinking watch your wallet and if you think she's legit, see where it goes.

[todreaminblue]

its really easy into thinking people have a hidden agenda.....that they cant be actually good or nice when you have had a plethora of bad experiences...the thing is...i believe most people are inherently good until proven other wise..and the worst thing in life is to think otherwise...because you will lose out on a good person and a chance at real happiness if you dont take chances and give chances....

 

you know nothing really about this lady....you find her sweet so ...meet her...get to know her more.....if people put on an act believe me you will know sooner rather than later because you cant maintain lies....you know what to look out for.....so trust yourself...that you will know whats good and whats not...its not about trusting her...its about having trust in yourself to recognise whats good for you and what isnt and the strength to end it when its not right.....

 

you dont know her yet that takes time...trust yourself...you will be fine... you will only know if she is who she appears to be by being open yourself....and taking that chance on her..if its wrong or feels wrong ...you will know...facades are not able to be kept up to the teller which is time...you have to invest that time .....so either make the investment in her ...or dont....its your choice.....and good luck...deb

Edited February 13, 2018 by todreaminblue

[Chilli]

Yeah , u better meet her before you get too carried away how longs it been ?

The way she chased you and she's divulging sexual shyt so early and so easily , man , l'd like to think most women have a bit more class than that , l know, forget that idea but just meet her first anyway if l was you before you get too carried away.

[LivingWaterPlease]

After you meet her, guard your heart until you can establish that she has longterm girlfriends in her life. If possible meet her friends. Women who have longterm girlfriends who are stable and responsible are more likely to be able to have a decent relationship with a man.

 

The women I've known who are self-absorbed, manipulative and controlling don't stay friends with other women for more than a few years. They may have plenty of friends because they are charming, but they don't have a bevy of tried and true long term friendships. Especially long term friendships with women who are in responsible positions and consistent stations in life.

[lurker74]

I don't care too much for country music. Most of the time, I find it panders too much to listeners. But there are a few songs that are fun and since many women like it, I sometimes listen to it so that I can be familiar enough to recognize it or dance to it. But there's this one song...by Rascal Flatts. It's a bit cheesy and a bit too twangy for my tastes, but when I listened to it, it hit my like a ton of bricks.

 

The opening verse is this:

 

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how ever sign pointed straight to you

 

It's an incredibly hopeful and I think realistic message. It's all about how there is that person out there for you but in order to find her, you have to follow the broken road. And just because you get "lost a time or two" you can't stop going down the road. When you learn that, you see the failures, as painful as they must be, as sign posts that you're making progress. The refrain of the song is:

 

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

 

I don't know if the flight attendant is that person or another signpost on the road. And neither do you. But stop messing around and go find out.

[agawam25]

Okay, so in the end, after much deliberation I decided to tell her that I don't think this will work. We didn't end up meeting - I actually told her this a couple of days before she was scheduled to come visit. Here's why:

 

-first of all, the lovey-dovey stuff was exciting at first, but after a while, it became kinda clingy followed by outright creepy. She was really weird about it, like she'd send me photos of couples in love and write things like "I want us to be like this", or people cuddling in exotic locations with her saying things like "I want you to hold me just like this." I tried to kindly tell her that although it's cute that she thinks that, I'd rather just meet her in person first. She brushed it off every single time.

 

-then she dug up the time when she added me on Facebook and said something along the lines of "This is when I wanted to be your girlfriend but I didn't know it at the time." I don't find that to be cute. It felt creepy. Especially since I was in a LTR at that time (and it's in the nature of my job to sometimes add people I don't know on FB.) She talked about the girlfriend thing a couple more times until I told her about two weeks ago that I'm not into being in a relationship right off the bat, especially if we hadn't met, and that we should just meet and see where it goes. She claimed later that that was a huge disappointment for her, but hey, how's that disappointing? Why on Earth would I consider myself to be in a relationship on the basis of chatting on social media with someone I've never met in person?

 

-she also mentioned marriage a couple of times in a way that made me realize that it's a priority to her (she's in her early 20s, folks, like eeearly 20s). First through a story about how she went to Fiji and a sage told her she'd meet someone great and marry him (hint-hint!) and then later on when she told me how she's planning on getting married so that she can quit her current job and find something else to do when she came back to the city I live in. Whoa. I mean. Not something you talk about at this stage in any way shape or form. You don't even imply it. Right? Even if you want to get married at some point, you don't imply you'd marry the guy you have never seen in your life.

 

-at some point she asked me for my mailing address because she was in Africa and I semi-jokingly asked her to send me palm tree seeds/sprouts (I have a thing for palm trees). Some five days ago I got a postcard from her from Spain instead. She wrote something along the lines of "I know you were here but I really wish we were here together (so far so good) because I can feel you here in every step I take" etc. and that was just... creepy. The tone was just creepy. I have it somewhere in my apartment but I'm too afraid to go look for it because I feel like it will creep me out again like it did when I read it the first time. I don't know you! You don't know me! Again, you don't write that kind of stuff to someone you've never met...

 

-what made me question the fact that she might be prone to exaggeration was when she told me about how she's a voracious reader (which is honestly a turn-on for me). So a couple of days later she told me how she has this big library at home with about 100 books in it. I thought she skipped a digit there, but it turned out she actually meant one hundred. I currently own about 1000 books. My ex still has my own collection of some 2000 books, and even that's not much by my standards, but even if I take into account the fact that I have a thing for books and reading, a collection of 100 books is hardly a "big library." I'm really not being snobbish here as much I think her misconception speaks of something else... It was definitely a red flag, although I'm not completely sure why. More of a gut feeling that something's wrong there in the way she sees things.

 

But in comparison, the whole books thing is less important than the fact that she was just... creepy? With the whole clingy thing. You simply don't do that when you've never met the other person (I know I'm repeating myself, but the whole thing is giving me serious creeps, guys.)

 

Naturally, she said she was terribly disappointed - she's never been so disappointed in her life and I did it twice, the first time two weeks ago when I told her I'm not into being in a relationship and now with this, etc. She went on about how I gave her every reason to believe in this and that I should've told her in person - first, no, I kept telling her that I actually want to meet in person before jumping to any conclusions, and as for telling her in person, my logic is that I'd rather tell her via messages before she came than have her come with expectations and then feel crushed when I don't reciprocate her feelings. But I really didn't feel like getting into an argument of any kind so I told her I'm sorry but that's how I feel and there's nothing to be done about it and ended it with that. Also, like, it's not like we were in a relationship - we were chatting via social networks, talking, flirting, getting to know each other, and as far as I know and understand this (please correct me if I'm wrong), it's perfectly fine to tell someone you're not feeling it at any given point before things escalate. So bar her troubles to make room in her schedule for a visit, I don't see how I'm responsible for causing any emotional harm there. Even the visit itself is hardly a loss of any kind - she's from this city, she hasn't been here in about six months and from what she's told me, she's close with her parents and might use the time to see them instead, plus on the financial side, her ticket cost next to nothing and she has a place to stay. So...

 

I can't describe the level of discomfort she has caused in me. I knew there was a reason I was being put off, and it turned out it actually had nothing to do with my previous experiences as much as her being just the oddest person I have met in a long time.