Ladies, if a woman said this, was there really something there?

[bobjon]

Ladies, long story short, I just parted from my SO of 3.5yrs. We were SO close to marrying but she had some issues that I was having trouble with. However, I felt we could get through them and even bought a ring.

 

In mid December, we were bickering about finally getting a house to get us all under one roof. I ripped on her pretty good because we were right at Christmas, I had some other life drama I was dealing with, and was mad.

 

Another week or so later she called to end it. I was still pissy but also very hurt because I had a ring. I just agreed, she dropped off presents, we got a quick hug, and that was that.

 

After Xmas, I was cooled and really really missed her. I tried to work it out but she bluntly said we are done, move on. Ever since, she has had little to no contact with me. then I find out she already has a new boyfriend!!!! I was pissed after all this time and ran around trying to find her and confront her. This really got her mad and scared of me. Not my intent, but after this long, I thought I deserved some closure.

 

We both have kids and I was very attached to her little girl.

 

What has me totally baffled now is only a year ago I asked her to list what she loved about me. It was a long list and everything you would want to hear, but I am left wondering if it was genuine, and if there is any feeling left in her at all?! I mean, I know I need to walk away, but at this point, I just want to know!!!

 

She said things like love how I touch her, hold her, hug her, kiss her, our lips were made for each other, love the way I smell, good with the kids, that I can fix anything, extremely smart, loves my cooking, VERY good sense of humor, my strong hands, all things about me physically like legs, hair, eyes, etc, etc.

 

The fact that she cut this so clean and went to another guy has simply been unbearable. I SO just want to know if she really did feel all that, or if she was in nutty land???? Maybe I hit all those marks until someone better came along?

 

What is SO SO hard for me is she found and came to me, and I was with her just before her daughter's first Bday. I wiped that kids ass, I cleaned up puke, I fixed her cars, her house, installed all sorts of things in her house, you name it.

 

Now that her kid is 5, things are looking up for her. I feel like a pawn in her puppet show! We are talking about a house, then she is gone with a new man! Even if she returned, I am not sure I would take her back anyway!

[SevenCity]

I'm a dude, but can give you some advice.

 

When women say stuff like that, they mean it IN THAT MOMENT. When guys (most of us) say things like that it has much more duration. When I said I loved my ex I meant it - and still do.

 

Women are emotional creatures and what was said last year, last moth, last week has no basis in reality once that moment has passed.

 

Look at the posts on here and see how many guys had their girl tell them "I'll never leave you", "Ill always love you", "etc enter BS here".

 

I don't think they are purposely deceiving us, it's just the way their mind works. They live moment to moment and you constantly have to be aware of their current feelings, lest you be blindsided.

 

Chances are this other dude was in the picture before you broke up.

 

Bottom line is don't trust what they say, only their actions.

[Chilli]

Yeah ,lotta truth in all that SC.

[Jj66]

He was there before the breakup. This story has been repeated on here a thousand times. It was probably real at one time. It's nothing now. Sorry.

[lovephule]

In mid December, we were bickering about finally getting a house to get us all under one roof. I ripped on her pretty good because we were right at Christmas, I had some other life drama I was dealing with, and was mad.

 

What does ripping on her entail, exactly?

[LostOnes05]

I'm a dude, but can give you some advice.

 

When women say stuff like that, they mean it IN THAT MOMENT. When guys (most of us) say things like that it has much more duration. When I said I loved my ex I meant it - and still do.

 

Women are emotional creatures and what was said last year, last moth, last week has no basis in reality once that moment has passed.

 

Look at the posts on here and see how many guys had their girl tell them "I'll never leave you", "Ill always love you", "etc enter BS here".

 

I don't think they are purposely deceiving us, it's just the way their mind works. They live moment to moment and you constantly have to be aware of their current feelings, lest you be blindsided.

 

Chances are this other dude was in the picture before you broke up.

 

Bottom line is don't trust what they say, only their actions.

 

This is basically spot on.

[basil67]

In mid December, we were bickering about finally getting a house to get us all under one roof. I ripped on her pretty good because we were right at Christmas, I had some other life drama I was dealing with, and was mad.

 

Unfortunately, an episode like this can cause someone to instantly put up their walls and pull away. I know for me, it would be like a flip of a switch. It doesn't mean that the love I felt for you wasn't real, but it does mean that I could not continue to love you.

 

Do you feel she deserved to be torn to shreds during this argument? Why had the discussion gotten to the point of being heated in the first place? And why did it take you so long to calm down afterwards?

 

You say that she ended the relationship a week after the argument. During this time, how much contact had you had with her? (I hope you hadn't gone silent on her!) Did you apologise for your behaviour and put in steps to try and ensure it would never happen again?

Edited January 21, 2018 by basil67

[Maggie4]

Yeah I think she meant what she said back then. But notice, most of it is physical and replaceable by another man. Often the man doesn't pick up signs that the woman is on her way out, until much later.

I think it may help you to separate the fact that she has a new man. That part probably hurts you more than missing her and wanting her back. I don't know what you were thinking back in Dec. But it appears outwardly as you don't care and you're just fine breaking up, until you found out she's got a new guy. In that scenario, it's more about your ego.

Since you said you don't even want her back now, just move on. Your care for her baby daughter is between you and the little girl. Try not to feel victimized.

[bobjon]

Just more to the story I guess. She like to drink, then starts tearing into me about senseless stuff. We got into at Thanksgiving and I ended up just taking her home and I went to my house. She apologized the next day, i returned, and we went to a family deal. However, I was VERY hurt because I was sitting on a ring, thinking WTF!!! Do I really need this!

 

Days after I totaled my truck and was dealing with a mess trying to settle that and find another, and she says "we need a house for all of us, you know that". I was also helping her through some custody stuff with her kid and I said "I can never be enough for you, maybe you need a different partner".

 

Later that day, we got in her car to go look at another truck for me, but I did not apologize because I was frustrated and felt she could certainly aid in that process, not just pitch it to me to solve that problem too.

 

Bottom line, I was buried, trying to solve all problems. I was swimming in stress.

 

You better believe I feel like screwed up, but she is NOT lily white in this deal. Her anger was going to have to be talked about before we moved forward.

[Chilli]

Nah she def' not lilly white in it and now the other guy, just like that, it all pretty well shows her true colors and does it for me. Canon ball dodged if you ask me.

but l know it's still hard and l'm sorry it came to this, especially for the kids.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The long list of things she loved about you (that you asked her to make....why?) was a year ago, and it sounds like a lot of crap happened between then and now, including you being kinda crappy. So I'd say that even if she did mean it a year ago, she changed her mind about a lot of things. Most likely getting into a relationship with another man (while she was with you) helped her along....

[basil67]

"I can never be enough for you, maybe you need a different partner".

 

So you initiated the breakup and she did exactly what you suggested. It's not rational to be angry about someone moving on when you've already suggested they do just that.

 

Look, the relationship wasn't working for you. Having so many fights isn't healthy for either of you or the kids. And she had a temper. Meanwhile you jumped the gun and bought a ring even though it would have been foolish to give it to her before all the problems were solved.

 

You were right to say she should probably have a different partner and she was right to listen to you. And you will also be happier with a different partner.

 

But next time, DON'T stay with someone where there are so many fights.

[lolgorgeous]

Threads like this are the very reason I got a vasectomy last year and will never get married.

 

OP: Your situation is unfortunate, but hings could have been a lot worse. Imagine if you married this woman and she started cheating on you. Whatever pain you feel now would have been much more intense if things continued.

 

"Even if she returned, I am not sure I would take her back anyway!"

 

It's good that you feel this way. There is a chance she may come back into your life. Do NOT let her back in unless you want to suffer again.

[Highndry]

As said "ripping on her pretty good" (whatever that means, but sounds bad) and acting "pissy" are a surefire way to drive off any woman. No matter what she said before, it doesn't matter after you act like that.

 

More concerning are the continued attempts at contact which scared her. I think the best thing you could possibly do at this juncture is to forget trying to get into her head and get into your own head to figure out why you're having such a hard time controlling your own emotions and actions. When you get to the root of that, I suspect you won't ever have a repeat of this situation again.

[preraph]

Sure she cared about you, and not knowing details, sounds like she felt you were never going to move in together with her. But also sounds like you were both bickering and believe me with women (I am one) that can totally kill the sexual attraction for some.

 

It concerns me that you were so insecure you made her list what she liked about you, as if you really need the validation. Good luck moving forward. Don't get yourself in trouble by disrespecting the boundary she has now set. I'm sorry she overlapped on you and very sorry for the little girl

[Interstellar]

Yeah I think she meant what she said back then. But notice, most of it is physical and replaceable by another man. Often the man doesn't pick up signs that the woman is on her way out, until much later.

 

Indeed.

 

Let’s say I was in a relationship for two years, then she gets rid of me yesterday; and to me it feels like she got rid of me overnight because last week she was saying all these sweet things to me but the fact of the matter is her interest level starts going down around one year and three months. During that time it’s probably around say 80 percent, then a week later goes to 78 percent, a month later goes down to 70, then 65...etc... and because of my continued deportment it goes below fifty percent and the point of no return. She was building up resentment so that when she gets rid of me that’s it.

 

They usually show signs of their interest level dropping. Like you start having fights (it’s amazing when their interest level is at the 90’s there are no fights), she’s no longer as affectionate, she starts criticizing you, she starts putting you down. I’ve observed a girl humiliate and put her boyfriend down on Facebook but the guy’s interest level in her is in the 90’s so he was blinded by it. He didn’t even realize what’s going on. Usually guys are oblivious to the warning signs because we can’t take a hint. But they also tell you if she’s getting turned off by your actions and when you’re distracted or have some things on your mind and use that as an excuse then pain comes after.

 

Of course, it’s also entirely possible that she simply has no integrity or has a bad attitude and just not good relationship material. In that case, you dodged a bullet.

[rightondude]

brother, "in the moment" is totally spot on in my experience. But I think it goes both ways. With the world it is today, with the communication/reciprocation/response being instantaneous and with everyone feeling like they deserve "the best" everyone in a relationship has to be on top of their game 24/7/365. Kinda sucks because we'd all like a break from the chase/maintain occasionally right?

[GemmaUK]

Doesn't matter what I felt a year prior but someone who 'ripped on me pretty good' then remained 'pissy' for such a length of time and also contacted me enough to make me feel scared - he's a guy I will be glad I am done with.

 

But even before then the fact that he asked me to list things I liked about him - that would set off alarm bells for me.

That would make me think he's very insecure and insecure men in my experience are the worst ones to get involved with.

[lovephule]

I was also helping her through some custody stuff with her kid and I said "I can never be enough for you, maybe you need a different partner".

Well.

 

You better believe I feel like screwed up, but she is NOT lily white in this deal. Her anger was going to

have to be talked about before we moved forward.

A person doesn't have to be "right" to be done. It's also possible to love a person deeply and still know you have no business being together.

 

As for the new BF, I'm not convinced of wrongdoing on her part. It is plausible that there were men lined up, waiting for you to screw up. Unpleasant, but a fact of life for those in demand.

[Cookiesandough]

Well.

 

 

A person doesn't have to be "right" to be done. It's also possible to love a person deeply and still know you have no business being together.

 

As for the new BF, I'm not convinced of wrongdoing on her part. It is plausible that there were men lined up, waiting for you to screw up. Unpleasant, but a fact of life for those in demand.

Yea. And she could have meant it at the time. Women are the only one whose feelings change? You admit you screwed up and enough screw ups can make someone stop feeling all that. I'm sorry. I've been the screw up too so I know the feeling.

[act00]

How very insecure and strange that you demanded she write down a list of things she likes about you. I don't know that I would have stuck around after that. Ripping her to shreds was certainly a catalyst for her exit. You both sound like you are hotheads. I don't know what level of cruelty came out of your mouth plus the pouting and extended period of anger. I'm guessing you were pretty brutal, and things like that don't come out of nowhere. There's always some reality to it. It's definitely a red flag to me to exit in this situation. I won't do that again. You state she would drink and come after you, so I'm thinking she was pretty unstable and not someone you want to be with, let alone raise your children with. As for all the nice things she said, well she meant them, but that doesn't mean she wants to maintain a relationship. They aren't the reason to stay if you fight like you did.

[Gaeta]

She said things like love how I touch her, hold her, hug her, kiss her, our lips were made for each other, love the way I smell, good with the kids, that I can fix anything, extremely smart, loves my cooking, VERY good sense of humor, my strong hands, all things about me physically like legs, hair, eyes, etc, etc.

 

Next time a woman list only 'physical qualities' about you after 3 years together, ask yourself what you've been doing wrong. She didn't have a strong connection enough to survive the aggravation you put her through.

[Highndry]

Well.

 

 

A person doesn't have to be "right" to be done. It's also possible to love a person deeply and still know you have no business being together.

 

As for the new BF, I'm not convinced of wrongdoing on her part. It is plausible that there were men lined up, waiting for you to screw up. Unpleasant, but a fact of life for those in demand.

 

I'm going to completely disagree with this. Lining men up while you're still in a relationship, no matter what the state of affairs, is dirty pool. It's cheating, in my opinion.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm going to completely disagree with this. Lining men up while you're still in a relationship, no matter what the state of affairs, is dirty pool. It's cheating, in my opinion.

 

I think you're saying two different things. A woman lining up men is obviously bad. Men lining up may not be bad if she has no control over that or no knowledge of it.

[Cookiesandough]

Is writing a list of stuff you like about each other a normal thing couples do