Dating a girl who has cheated on her boyfriend and is still meeting him

[Emilianov]

I think that the above title of this post already sounds quite bad, but I could probably still make it sound even more complicated if I added a few extra words. I am not a native English speaker, so please apologise any grammar mistakes. And sorry that it is a bit chaotic at times.

 

Here is the context:

 

I moved in to a new house in September as it was the beginning of a new academic year. When viewing the property I met one of the current housemates. She had that special look in her years that made me thinking that we may actually be good friends one day. But it was not obviously anything particularly important, just an observation that I quickly forgot.

When I moved in we initially had a few conversations, but nothing special. I even thought then that she is a nice girl, but since she has had a boyfriend for approximately 2 years and more importantly she is my housemate, I was quite resistant about going further into it.

 

However, days were passing and we were getting closer to each other. It was normally her initiative to spend time with me rather than vice versa. She was constantly texting me, asking if she can join me in the library to study together, and overall looking for excuses to spend time with me. I was rather keeping myself cool and calm, but also showing signs that I like her.

 

I like her because there are so many things we could do together; we have similar mentality since we both come from the same cultural part of the world; I find her attractive; and many more. In short, we are a bit like soulmates. Overall it is rather difficult for me to find really good friends (soulmates) in my life, because there is only a very narrow group of people whom I can enjoy spending time together. Thus, I am always very considerate to those whom I can call soulmates and not give up on them easily (I have only managed to meet 4 people like that so far including both genders).

 

Since we were spending that much time together, since I liked her and since she had a boyfriend, it could only lead to friendzone. I was not obviously happy about it, and given that her relationship was doing rather okay (not great but okay), I did not see much chance of her becoming single soon. Thus, I decided to be clear and talk to her straight out about my feelings, what I like about her and that I would like to move our relation to the next level. By saying this, firstly, I wanted to avoid the bad feeling of being in friendzone, and secondly I wanted to give her a chance to quit this ‘friendship’. She did not.

 

Two or three weeks later we had our first sex. We were laying on the bed and listening to classical music. Nothing unusual. She was moving closer and closer to me, so I decided to kiss her. I do not need to describe what happened later. It was about two months ago from now. I think there was a lot of sexual tension between us, so it would inevitably happen sooner or later.

 

When we were laying on the bed we talked a bit. She was really broken, feeling guilty, etc. She also said that she is not ready to break up with her boyfriend.

 

Two weeks later she broke up with her boyfriend. She did not tell him the truth, but rather gave some bulsh** reasons that he is not engaging enough in the relationship, etc.

 

In the meantime we were sleeping with each other, having sex, etc; though she was often quite resistant and feeling guilty afterwards, and overall she was depressed.

 

Since then, her boyfriend suddenly started giving her a lot of attention, which made her feeling even worse. As a result, they have started seeing each other, while he is still unaware about the affair, and she has rather no intention of saying this to him in the near future. So now they are kind of together again, although I am the only person she has sex with (She has some medical condition that provides her an excuse if she does not want to have sex on a certain day. I do not want to explain it in detail here).

 

At some point I keep myself very calm (and she thinks about me the same), but on the other hand I am a bit overwhelmed by this situation. It is especially bad when her boyfriend is visiting her (and at the same time me!) and they spend time together in a neighbouring room, just behind my wall. Probably the best way to describe our current status is ‘friendzone with benefits’. A new category!

 

I hate giving up, but I also know that this situation cannot last forever as all three parties involved suffer (or will suffer soon). Should I just wait and be close to her when she needs it, so hopefully this will resolve one day? Should I spend less time with her and show less attention? Or maybe I should just talk to her about all this and say that I am in love with her and this situation can't last for any more time? These are some of the thoughts I have in my mind. I can't just leave her in this state, because firstly I am worried about her mental breakdown, and secondly it would show me in a really bad light, as a bad person. This means that I just appeared out of nowhere, had some nice time with her, and when I see that this can't last forever I just leave her in a bad state. In my opinion it would be very irresponsible, and I want to avoid this option above all. I had three girlfriends before, but I absolutely never felt this sort of connection with a female. And that is why I do not feel like giving up in this case.

 

She is a bit emotionally unstable and edgy, but it does not worry me much. I like this type of girls and find most attractive of all types. I also know that it was her first time when she cheated on someone or was even close to doing that.

 

At some point one could say that I acted like a complete idiot by engaging in a romantic relation with a housemate who has a boyfriend. Others would say why not? We tend to regret more things that we have not done than the things we have not. Since I like her so much, why not to give it a try.

[BaileyB]

I wouldn't give it a try... emotionally unstable, history of cheating, still involved with her boyfriend... nope. Not for me.

[sdraw108]

There is nothing good about this situation. The boyfriend is being lied to and messed around, the girl is feeling guilty and depressed, and you are immoral for your part in this. Even ignoring that, it is madness to willingly start something with someone who is a proven cheater, unless you are happy with the idea that she could do it to you one day. Add the emotional instability and the fact that you are housemates - really the only sensible course of action is to back off.

[d0nnivain]

Dating a housemate is always a bad idea. Unless you have such a thick skin that you can deal with seeing each other with others, you essentially go from first date to living together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

With this girl you already know she has low morals. She is happy to cheat in her BF then lie to him. If you want somebody like that in your life, OK fine but remember when you lie down with dogs you get up with fleas.

[RSCoach]

The question that you need to ask yourself here is: What makes me believe that her behavior is going to be any different with me? Answer this question to yourself, truthfully.

[stillafool]

She is a bit emotionally unstable and edgy, but it does not worry me much. I like this type of girls and find most attractive of all types.

 

As you can see he likes emotionally unstable girls. I notice emotionally unstable girls seem to do well with men. Men love the drama.

[smackie9]

You did things wrong so you end up with negative results. The category you are actually in is a rebound relationship. Intense, short lived. You got bounced "Boing!"

[kendahke]

Let me fix that thread title:

 

Cheating with some messy, sloppy chick---can I trust her to be faithful?

[Lorenza]

Yeah I also think your thread title is a bit wrong, you missed the word "not", as in "Not dating a girl who has cheated on her boyfriend and is still meeting him"

[Emilianov]

Thanks for your answers guys.

 

I definitely agree that the risk of her cheating again is relatively high compared to girls who have never done it. Though I would not put all of them into one category. There was a massive survey in the UK about infidelity rates, which showed that 25.4% of married men and 18.3% of married women and have cheated on their current partners at least once (the sample covered 3% of all married couples in the country, so it is likely to be precise). Clearly, these rates would be even higher if included non-married couples. Does it mean that all these people (over 20% of population) should be avoided at all cost because there is a high risk of them cheating again?

 

Of course I knew that her cheating on her boyfriend is the only way of getting us together, so I was aware that if I succeed, the situation can be complicated, very complicated (and also would put her at a bad light). I just made a plan and kept realising it step by step. So the outcome I have now is a kind of expected.

 

While the context that I described above does not sound very promising, I think I would still be able to trust her. Yeah, she keeps lying to her boyfriend who is confused and does not know what is going on, but her intention is not to hurt him. I know how stupid it sounds, but it is her way of thinking, and I cannot do much about it. I think that she still has a strong emotional attachment to him, and thus she is kidding herself that this relationship is not over, so that she has a big trouble facing it.

 

It may seem that she acts as a cold-hearted person here, but it is not entirely truth. She is very warm, always prioritising other people's needs over her own needs, and also a caring person. This situation is one-off (at least for now; nobody knows what may happen later). It is the first time when she is in this sort of situation and clearly she does not know how to act. I agree though that the way she is acting is bad, very bad. It is also not helpful that she is not talking to her friends about it, because she is scared of what they could say or think about her, as this would strongly contrast with their perception of herself.

 

Maybe I am being naive, I do not know, but I tend to trust my intuition, which in this case indicates that I should not give up. I already made up my mind that I want to go further into it, but the thing is that I do not really know how to do it, how to act now to get the full piece of cake, rather than just sex and spending time together. And this is my main question here.

 

So I have already decided that I want to take the risk, but I do not really know how to approach it. There is a still long way to go until she becomes my girlfriend (if ever). Would it be better to talk to her more about my feelings, or rather keep myself calm? What if I suddenly started spending less time with her? Maybe she would appreciate it more then?

 

I moving to a different city in four months, so we will not live together forever. (I am starting another degree there, and she has to finish her degree here). This will not be helpful, and I feel that if I want to have a relationship with this girl, the situation should be cleared before then.

[carhill]

Enjoy the four months in any form you feel like and look for another lady for a LTR or marriage. This one will likely teach a few good life lessons so take them on board and move forward. Good luck and welcome to LS.

[Iseult]

I think that she still has a strong emotional attachment to him, and thus she is kidding herself that this relationship is not over, so that she has a big trouble facing it.

Hi pot, meet kettle.

[kendahke]

If you were her boyfriend and some other dude she's been with wrote this, what would you want us to tell him?

[smackie9]

We don't need silly statistics.....we know she's going to cheat.

 

 

All you are doing is trying every angle to convince yourself this is going to work out. You will learn.....