I Swear I Forget How To Date

[LoveStinks8]

I feel like I've been played so many times at this point that I need to go to some sort of school of dating to relearn what's normal and what's not. Here I am again, so very confused.

 

I met a guy a little more than a month ago by chance at a training program for my work. The room was full of people and yet our eyes just sort of locked together and I got butterflies that no one has given me in a long time.

 

At the end of the meeting we stuck around for a bit and chatted to each other and it was great, he seemed genuinely interested and I know I was. I figured it would end there but as we were in the parking lot he gave me his number, sheepishly saying "call me if I can ever uh.. Help you with work"

 

So I let it sit for about a week and then got up the nerve to casually message him, I mean what's there to lose right? He didn't have my number, I only had his.. So I took the risk.

 

He quickly messaged me back and started chatting with me, and then proceeded to initiate the conversation for the next few days, keeping it as constant as possible.

 

It was about a week before the holidays and we were both busy with family but we chatted constantly over text and made plans to meet up the day after Christmas. We spent most of that day together and it was wonderful, I felt happier than I had in a long time and couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. He seemed to have reciprocated my feelings, initiating a hug before I left, making sure I got home safely, saying he enjoyed himself and that he couldn't wait to see me again.

 

He made plans with me for the following week, and we chatted throughout that week, but then that day came and he said he was stuck at work. I do believe that it's likely he was because he asked me when I wanted to see him and told me what time he'd be off and then about half an hour later said he was stuck at work indefinitely that day and that he'd see me as soon as he could.

 

So then that Saturday I tried to make plans with him and he said he'd love to see me but then halfway through the day said he was tied up with work again.

 

He apologized and said he was sorry he's working so much right now but he needs the money and he's always been "married to his job" and hasn't had to juggle other priorities before. I said I understood and tried to keep my emotions to myself.

 

The texts became more sparse and I let it go for a few days before asking if I had done something wrong. He assured me that I hadn't and that he was working full 12-16 hour days without a break in sight. I did my best to understand but told him gently that I would like to see him again. His response was all good things happen in time my love.

 

A few days later he text me and told me that if I could get a certain few days/evenings off this coming week that he'd ensure we spent them together. I personally make my schedule at my job so it's very simple for me to take time off as long as it doesn't interfere with anyone, and he works for a division of the military with a pretty rigid schedule. So I took the time off and have been anxiously awaiting this week.

 

The texts have been sparse this week, with occasional apologies for being busy and then random bursts of texts followed by silence.

 

Then tonight he quickly tells me over text that his job is sending him away (like a plane ride kind of distance) and then says nothing more. This was only a few hours ago so I'm not trying to go all crazy chick over not getting any sort of details about how long he'll be gone or anything, but I'm feeling lost.

 

I really really like this guy, but I can't figure out what's going on. He seems to like me, but people say if he really likes me he'd be making time to see me, but is that true if he is just continuing with work like he always has and not blowing me off for time with other friends, etc? I know he's effectively spent his life working in the past.

 

I've been played and hurt so much that I've sent myself into an anxiety induced tailspin that I don't even know is warranted. Do I have reason to be upset? I mean I've only known the guy a little better than a month, and I've only spent time with him once. I'm so scared of messing it up that I'm scared I'm messing it up, if that even makes an ounce of sense.

 

Someone who isn't full of anxiety please give me their input. Is he playing me? Is he choosing to work so much because I'm not a priority at all in his life? Should I even expect to be one this early in the game? Is he genuinely working and I just need to calm my brain and let things play out in good time? Should I just walk now because he might never have time for me?

 

I'm so confused and I sound crazy, even to myself. I don't even remember how to properly have a crush without overthinking it anymore... Someone sane, please help!

[Mrin]

I don't know if he's playing you but he's certainly not making you a priority. Or even making you feel like you are a priority. I'm a dude but I know if I'm interested in a woman she knows it as clear as day. Either this guy isn't interested, doesn't have work-life boundaries, or is just totally clueless and inconsiderate.

[Maggie4]

How old is he? Maybe this is why he's single?

[LoveStinks8]

We're both in our early 20's. I do feel like I'm overreacting to it because I'm scared, but at the same time I'm so scared of falling for someone and getting hurt again. Every guy I seem to have attracted in the past year has confused me and I can't tell if it's just me this time or if it's a legitimate problem. I mean, I've only known him for a matter of weeks so should I even be a priority/should he be trying to make time to see me? Or am I just diving in head first too fast myself because I want so badly for it to work?

[Interstellar]

He felt that he went overboard with the texting early on so he decided to cut back. But he should be planning and going on dates with you at least and just less texting other than to set up dates with you.

Edited January 14, 2018 by Interstellar

[Maggie4]

Early 20's?! When you said you forgot how to date, I assumed you were a veteran of dating. How many men could you possibly have dated at your age? I thought early 20's is when kids are still innocent.

There is always the old fashioned "lovesickness", anxiety, change of heart, drama of young love. It doesn't mean anyone is playing anyone.

[Interstellar]

Dude needs to come, come with the kick drum come.

 

[ChatroomHero]

He's a flake. It could be cold feet, low interest, inexperience, whatever. I can tell you how it will play out...exactly as it is now, pen pals. Last minute cancellations. Incredible bad luck at the last minute. He'll tell you he has a week off and then every day something will come up. Just the fact he gave you his number and didn't take yours was a weak and passive move. Unless you said you didn't give out your number, that's an indicator of how he is and by stringing you along with excuses it is only confirms it more.

 

 

When you meet someone you put your best foot forward. I used to work 12 hour days, 6 days a week. If I met a woman I liked, I'd forego sleep. I'd meet at 11pm for 2-3 hours somewhere close to work. I'd meet her for breakfast before work if all else failed. Basically, I would make it happen.

 

 

I think the biggest issue though is you barely know him and yet you say you "really, really" like him. How do you know that? You met him once, you don't know him enough to really, really like him. What you like is the idea of him and that is where you set yourself up for failure. You invested in someone that doesn't exist. He's shown you he is not dependable, texts sporadically and doesn't seem overly interested. If you were to actually date him, the only reality you can make an accurate guess about him is that you'd see him maybe once a month. That would be a terrible relationship, so replace your fantasy with reality. If you learn to reserve judgement until someone's actions prove he is the guy you are looking for, you will do a lot better and find you don't set yourself up for disappointment and you'll spend more time working on landing someone that is actually good for you and not someone that only exists in your mind.

 

 

It took me a while to learn to reserve judgement on every hot woman I met that showed interest. I found the more I judged the situation for what it was and the more I waited to figure out who someone really was before I decided I was all in, the less I find myself wondering why I was getting "screwed over". I filtered out the less than interested, the flaky and the women that just didn't match a lot quicker.

[Highndry]

I agree it looks very bad on the surface, but if he's really working 12-16 hour days, and his company is sending him away, he could just be doing a very poor job at handling a potential new relationship with such a massive workload. Those are crazy hours, without a doubt, and he must be exhausted.

 

This is what I would recommend, something along the lines of:

 

"Hey, it's been very nice getting to know you, however brief, but it looks like your schedule is crazy busy and I'm not sure where I fit into it. I'd love to hear from you if you actually have some time to get together. Until then, best of luck."