Is she into me or not?

[hamsterhouse]

So, I've been talking with this girl since Thanksgiving. We met online and right away we really hit it off. Her and I have a great banter/chemistry that I haven't really experienced with other girls. We weren't able to meet for another couple of weeks but it was an awesome and casual first date. I initiated contact after that, and when it came time to set our second date we were both pretty busy and weren't able to meet for another two and a half weeks. Admittedly it wasn't a great date. I was fighting off a cold (should have rescheduled) and just wasn't on my game. I had trouble hearing her but I was trying to tough it out, but ultimately it led to me mishearing her, her having to repeat herself, etc. Not good.

 

To be honest I wasn't expecting to hear from her again, but then later that week I woke up to a selfie of her that she took that morning. We chatted only a little bit back and forth, and she was heading home for Christmas so we didn't talk for about a week. I reinitiated contact and we spoke for awhile, which led to us setting another date for this weekend. Also, she was going to be in an adjacent city for a New Years wedding and said she might contact me about meeting up that weekend. She didn't reach out. She ended up canceling our date for this weekend, but said she'll be in my area today (Sunday) and if she has time she'll reach out about getting together. She again didn't reach out. In leu of our canceled date she suggested we get/make dinner "sometime next week?" but I don't know how serious she's being.

 

I'll try to summarize this and make it less confusing...we used to speak way more often, and although she's legitimately busy she would make more of an effort to try and see me. She doesn't reach out to me like she used to, but if I reach out to her we can usually get into a familiar banter. On the one hand I'd say she's losing interest, but on the other she's making plans with me and sending selfies, but on the OTHER hand she's canceling plans or being wishy washy. I've made contact the last few times but don't want to come off as desperate, so I don't bombard her with texts.

 

I like this girl. Usually I'm a better judge of gauging a female's interest in me, but frankly she's leaving me confused. I mean.......you don't send a selfie to a guy you're not interested in, right? Am I not taking enough initiative? Is she just too busy (she is legit busy, btw)? Do I delete her number and move on? Wait for her to make next contact? Send a Hail Mary date request? Be honest with her?

Edited January 8, 2018 by hamsterhouse

[S2B]

She keeps making vague attempts to fit you in.

 

Her schedule is busy, I get that, but even the busiest people ever make time for someone they are truly interested in.

 

She's not that interested.

[Logo]

She again didn't reach out. In leu of our canceled date she suggested we get/make dinner "sometime next week?"?

 

When "next week"? Is she leaving it up in the air?

 

Either she's genuinely busy, in which case she tried to make an extra effort in the beginning in order to reel you in. Once she had you, she didn't have to make that much of an effort.

 

Or, she's not that serious about the relationship, not you, but about having a relationship. For some women, a man is a means to an end.

 

I don't mean to pry, but have you guys been intimate? If you haven't, perhaps she was hoping for that to happen already? Some women prefer to move on if there's no sex after the second or third date. Perhaps she was looking for something casual.

 

It's hard to say.

 

One thing I do find curious is that she didn't contact you every time things didn't pan out. This whole "I might" and "Maybe" would annoy me.

 

From now on, I'd let her initiate contact and if she does want to meet, make sure it's on your terms, not hers. Don't let her use you whenever it's convenient for her to make that booty call (If that's what she's after).

 

Perhaps she's lonely. Perhaps she simply enjoys the attention.

 

In the meantime, word to the wise, start looking for someone else. That's what I would be doing. Life is too short to be sitting around waiting for someone to grace you with her presence.

[hamsterhouse]

When "next week"? Is she leaving it up in the air?

 

Either she's genuinely busy, in which case she tried to make an extra effort in the beginning in order to reel you in. Once she had you, she didn't have to make that much of an effort.

 

Or, she's not that serious about the relationship, not you, but about having a relationship. For some women, a man is a means to an end.

 

I don't mean to pry, but have you guys been intimate? If you haven't, perhaps she was hoping for that to happen already? Some women prefer to move on if there's no sex after the second or third date. Perhaps she was looking for something casual.

 

It's hard to say.

 

One thing I do find curious is that she didn't contact you every time things didn't pan out. This whole "I might" and "Maybe" would annoy me.

 

From now on, I'd let her initiate contact and if she does want to meet, make sure it's on your terms, not hers. Don't let her use you whenever it's convenient for her to make that booty call (If that's what she's after).

 

Perhaps she's lonely. Perhaps she simply enjoys the attention.

 

In the meantime, word to the wise, start looking for someone else. That's what I would be doing. Life is too short to be sitting around waiting for someone to grace you with her presence.

 

Thanks for the responses. To clear the air, no we haven't been intimate yet.

 

What's most confusing is the kind of wishy washy enthusiasm. Here's the most recent example...a few days back when we were kind of talking about this week, she said that she's thinking of heading out to a bar in my area to watch her friend's band play, but she might stay in. There was nothing leading up to this, she just told me mid-convo. I responded that she should let me know if she makes it out here and I'll gladly meet her for a drink. She said she'd let me know how the evening progresses. A couple of hours later she reached out saying she wasn't going to make it. I just told her no worries, have a good night, to which she said "you too" with a selfie of her in bed?? Nothing sexual or suggestive, just an amusing pic. Why send me that at all if she isn't interested?

 

I kind of feel like she's on the fence. She's interested, but kind of teetering on letting whatever happens happen.

 

Here's an idea that just occurred to me. I do anticipate talking to her again, so what if I just level with her? Something like, "Say, so I feel like early on you were pretty interested in me but have since changed your mind. That's cool, but just let me know if that's the case." Something to that effect? Too much?

Edited January 8, 2018 by hamsterhouse

[Logo]

 

I kind of feel like she's on the fence. She's interested, but kind of teetering on letting whatever happens happen.

 

Here's an idea that just occurred to me. I do anticipate talking to her again, so what if I just level with her? Something like, "Say, so I feel like early on you were pretty interested in me but have since changed your mind. That's cool, but just let me know if that's the case." Something to that effect? Too much?

 

I don't think she's on the fence. I think she's selfish because she's not taking your feelings into account. That selfie she sends you makes her feel good because she's getting attention.

 

As for trying to level with her. You see, the thing about some people is that they'll lie to you and tell you what you want to hear as long as it gets them what they want. So, what would be the point of trying to have an honest conversation with her?

 

I've learned this the hard way; in relationships, look at the actions, not the words.

 

So far her actions are telling me it's time to go no contact and find someone else. Please don't try to "level" with her. If you try that she'll reel you in like a fish on a hook. That's my opinion at least.

 

For the record, you deserve better.

[d0nnivain]

You made this connection at Thanksgiving. You have been on 2 dates over the holidays, one good one bad. You are having trouble nailing down concrete plans for a 3rd date.

 

From that I have no idea if she's into you. I'll chalk some of the problems up to the holidays but they are over.

 

Pick up the phone. Call her. Don't text. Formalize a time & place for your 3rd date. Pick some place / activity where you will be able to hear each other. Assess the state of the relationship / attraction based on those in person interactions not the frequency or quality of texts.

 

If you can't arrange a date assume she's not into you & move on.

[Standard-Fare]

I'm assuming you guys don't live in the same area — how far is the distance between you?

 

Personally, I'd cut her some slack. The holidays are a legitimately busy time for everyone, and then you guys (presumably) have the added complication of distance.

 

It seems that she's applying a laissez-faire attitude, but that doesn't seem totally inappropriate here. For one, you've only been on two real dates (one of which was mediocre, by your own account), so it's fair that she's not treating this yet as a top priority. Secondly, consider that she may be deliberately laying on thick with the "anything goes" vibes – either to not appear clingy/needy to YOU, or to spare HERSELF from getting overly invested in something uncertain (or both).

 

But I think she's shown you enough signs of sustained interest that you should feel comfortable asking directly for a third date. Be sure to propose something firm, though — not "what are you up to X weekend?" but "Hey, I'd like to see you again, do you want to do X on X date?"

 

If she continues being wishy-washy after that, you should back off, but don't give up until you've laid it out there — concretely — that you are still interested in dating her.

[carhill]

IMO, you're not on her V-day ladder. Sorry.

[hamsterhouse]

I'm assuming you guys don't live in the same area — how far is the distance between you?

 

Personally, I'd cut her some slack. The holidays are a legitimately busy time for everyone, and then you guys (presumably) have the added complication of distance.

 

It seems that she's applying a laissez-faire attitude, but that doesn't seem totally inappropriate here. For one, you've only been on two real dates (one of which was mediocre, by your own account), so it's fair that she's not treating this yet as a top priority. Secondly, consider that she may be deliberately laying on thick with the "anything goes" vibes – either to not appear clingy/needy to YOU, or to spare HERSELF from getting overly invested in something uncertain (or both).

 

But I think she's shown you enough signs of sustained interest that you should feel comfortable asking directly for a third date. Be sure to propose something firm, though — not "what are you up to X weekend?" but "Hey, I'd like to see you again, do you want to do X on X date?"

 

If she continues being wishy-washy after that, you should back off, but don't give up until you've laid it out there — concretely — that you are still interested in dating her.

 

Thanks everybody. All good points. We live about a half hour apart, so nothing major. Early on I’ve learned that she’s busy with graduate school, work, and her social life. That said, in my opinion an interested person would make more of an effort. It’s a tough call, but I think asking her directly for a third date is acceptable, especially after she said “sometime next week?” If she’s gives me another wishy washy response I’ll make my peace and move on.

 

With this, though, I feel like I’m now doing 100% of the pursuing when earlier on it was more mutual.

[carhill]

It takes a bit more effort to make the sale than retain the customer. Sales 101. No wonder women make great salespeople. They have the skills. I've been bamboozled by the best. Trust your instincts. From my read you're on it. Good luck!

[hamsterhouse]

Well, I texted her about getting together for dinner this week. According to her she's busy pretty much every day. I responded by putting the ball in her court and said since she's so busy to just get in touch with me when her schedule clears. Some of that detail is lost in this thread, but she is genuinely busy most of the time. I think she is interested but just isn't making dating a super priority. From this point on I'm not going to contact her anymore, and if she reaches out to me I'll gauge what to do from there.

Edited January 9, 2018 by hamsterhouse

[Assassino]

From my expert experience buddy, if you have to ask that question on here, she isn't into you.

[Assassino]

Well, I texted her about getting together for dinner this week. According to her she's busy pretty much every day. I responded by putting the ball in her court and said since she's so busy to just get in touch with me when her schedule clears. Some of that detail is lost in this thread, but she is genuinely busy most of the time. I think she is interested but just isn't making dating a super priority. From this point on I'm not going to contact her anymore, and if she reaches out to me I'll gauge what to do from there.

 

She's not interested. The president finds time for his wife/gf, etc. You make time for people you like. If she's not making dating a super priority, she isn't making YOU a super priority. You're worth being a "super priority" to the right girl.

[Standard-Fare]

Well, I texted her about getting together for dinner this week. According to her she's busy pretty much every day. I responded by putting the ball in her court and said since she's so busy to just get in touch with me when her schedule clears. Some of that detail is lost in this thread, but she is genuinely busy most of the time. I think she is interested but just isn't making dating a super priority. From this point on I'm not going to contact her anymore, and if she reaches out to me I'll gauge what to do from there.

 

That's really all you can do.

 

My guess is that you haven't heard the last from her, and she'll continue to be in touch in some sporadic/confusing ways. I think at this point you should probably stop responding unless you get any clear signs that she wants to actually explore dating.

[d0nnivain]

Good for you. Don't hold your breath waiting for her.

[smackie9]

Well, I texted her about getting together for dinner this week. According to her she's busy pretty much every day. I responded by putting the ball in her court and said since she's so busy to just get in touch with me when her schedule clears. Some of that detail is lost in this thread, but she is genuinely busy most of the time. I think she is interested but just isn't making dating a super priority. From this point on I'm not going to contact her anymore, and if she reaches out to me I'll gauge what to do from there.

Doesn't matter if she is interested or not.....it's the simple fact she can't make time for you, so that means she is undate-able. Dump and move on.

 

IMO you shouldn't hang on for 2 months frittering around in hopes to get together. They can't see you when you ask them out, you stop right there and look for someone else. Boom! problem solved.

[act00]

It seems like her behavior is to keep a foot in the door, sending a selfie and proposing a "what if" date for the future. There is an interest there, and with the holidays, it seems like an attempt to make sure you know she's still interested. Now the holidays are over, and she still has a million other priorities. It's always going to be something, and after this dancing around for weeks, it's probably time to drop the rope. You gave it a shot.

[hamsterhouse]

It seems like her behavior is to keep a foot in the door, sending a selfie and proposing a "what if" date for the future. There is an interest there, and with the holidays, it seems like an attempt to make sure you know she's still interested. Now the holidays are over, and she still has a million other priorities. It's always going to be something, and after this dancing around for weeks, it's probably time to drop the rope. You gave it a shot.

 

All of you are correct. It seems like she has some interest but is simply unwilling to make the time. She agreed to get in touch with me once her schedule clears, then commented on a movie I should see. I gave her a neutral response back but I really shouldn’t have responded at all. I’m open to seeing her again if she starts initiating and putting in the effort, but until then I’m not going to put anymore energy into her.

[Lamartine]

I think she's on the fence about this.

 

I used to work 15 hour days. I was too busy for almost everything. But if a man I was seriously interested in wanted to get together, I would make it happen (even if I had to go back to work afterwards).

 

I think she enjoys your company and conversation, likes you, and finds the attention flattering.

 

At this point, I think the best way to pique her interest is to lean back. If she senses you pulling away, she might step up her game. I'd respond to her text with something like the following: "Okay, please let me know what day and time work for you." And then don't text her again until she firms up plans with you. You'll know her level of interest quickly that way.

 

In the meantime, maybe go on an online date or two to divert your attention.

[smackie9]

Sounds like you have turned into a penpal.

[Lamartine]

Sorry! I didn't read the whole thread before responding.

 

Having read the whole thread now, I agree that you should not contact her again unless she contacts you. Something tells me she will get back in touch one of these days. So decide what you really want from her so you'll know what you want to do when you hear from her.

 

If it takes her longer than a week or so to contact you, I would block her. She'll only be using you if she contacts you again after that, and blocking her will reduce your temptation to engage her again. This is her established pattern, and I don't think she's going to change.