Plus size dating

[heartbrokenlady]

I'm on an infamous OLD site, following being dumped a few months ago.

 

I've been asked out by a guy, and I'm tempted to go. I think dating would help me move on a bit from my ex, because I haven't at all.

 

My query is, I'm a big girl. I've tried to show this in my OLD profile but it's hard to find full length photographs. I KNOW guys on the whole don't like bigger women. What do I do about this date? I'm not looking for a relationship but equally am not up to rejection, due to my size, yet. I'm still vulnerable due to being dumped (11 year relationship).

[kendahke]

Own your truth and speak it and never fear what the outcome will be--you will have stood up in your own truth and spoken it. If a guy doesn't want to be with you because of your mass, then you are better off without someone who will judge you superficially because of something one of his immature boys will say to him to criticize his choice in a love interest.

 

Tell the guy you're plus size. Put on one of your best outfits and ask one of your girls to come over and take full length shots with your cell phone camera and use those and post one of them with your profile making it plain and clear that you're not a size-zero supermodel and if that's what they're looking for, wish them luck in their search and keep it moving--they're not going to find her here.

 

The answer isn't living in shame for what you look like or who you are. Eventually, if they find you attractive enough, mentally, they're going to want to meet you in person---and then what are you going to do? You can't live a lie and you can't hold them off forever before they figure out you're lying or hiding something. As long as you don't play others for fools, you won't be treated as one.

Edited December 18, 2017 by kendahke

[heartbrokenlady]

Thanks kendahke. I'm message him to let him know.

 

I've got a couple of full length photos on there but they don't exactly show my body so...

[kendahke]

I've got a couple of full length photos on there but they don't exactly show my body so...

 

Call one of your girls tonight and make a plan. Have fun, the both of you. It'll be a wise investment of time for what you want: decent full length pics.

 

I find that if you go into something being less than honest, the outcomes may not be good. Trust me, there have been more than enough men posting here talking about how rudely they left someone at the meeting place because she led them to believe she looked one way when she didn't. It's best to be honest up front.

[gaius]

Save yourself the anxiety and aggravation and just post some full body shots on your profile. So If a guy messages you won't have to worry about If he likes that or not.

 

Seriously, it's so much more work and just plain silly to hide that.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Just a little thought here....

 

As a guy, a "mature" gentleman, I look for a girl who doesn't judge me. And sees beauty in everything of me...

You should think about that. You seem like a great gal, and I'm sure you will find a good partner who values togetherness the same as you. Not just full profile pics, but full profile personality and life. Best of luck.

[todreaminblue]

there are bbw dating sites......specifically for bigger women so the guys who are on it are already have attraction to bigger women.....if you cant handle rejection maybe that would be a good start to build up your confidence a little is to stay where the waters have warmth...

 

takes all types...big can be beautiful to some not all guys want size zero.....i am actually not a fan of old dating at any size.....a lot of guys just want sex and a grope........deb

[gaius]

My fiance is petite, if we got stranded on a desert island she wouldn't last long, but I still found it extra sexy when we first exchanged pictures and the one she sent was her in a normal, everyday outfit. No makeup. Not hiding this angle or that, not insecure in any way. She was stunning. I still use that picture when she's not around for inspiration I found it so hot.

 

The point being, hiding yourself and being insecure is a turn off. Don't do it.

[Quagmire243]

I use a tripod to take full body pics. I used to be much larger. You will likely get less attention online but at least you will get people who are interested.

[act00]

It's not wise to post old pictures, but if the old pictures are realistic to your current body type and it's all you've got for the moment, I don't see as it will hurt until you can get some better pictures. (Do work on getting current pics) You can be clear to the man you are conversing with, that while they are old, you simply wanted to put out an idea of what you look like as far as body shape is concerned.

 

I'm a bigger girl, and guys are quite okay with it. I've met some nice men, and weight hasn't been a major issue. Nothing has stuck yet, but these guys are totally cool with it and even prefer it. These are the guys that don't like bone-thin women because they almost feel like these women will break like fragile glassware. There are creepers, and sometimes I think men will go after the chubbies, as they think the chubbies are more desperate, so they can get some easy sex...watch out for those.

 

I do agree that if going in an OLD direction, be clear on your size and maybe stick with the larger ladies/men web sites, so there really is no mystery.

 

You'll be fine. You'll go through a lot of frogs. Enjoy the ride.

[snowboy91]

I KNOW guys on the whole don't like bigger women.

 

While it might be true generally, it's not true for all guys as others have already mentioned. I find plus size to be attractive in it's own way, and there are guys out there who don't mind (or even prefer it!)

 

As long as you're not deceiving in your photos then you're all good. It may turn off some, but that's not all that different to any other feature that people may or may not be attracted to. Just like people prefer (or not) blondes, brunettes, tall, short, darker skin, the list goes on...

[Grey40]

Get someone to take pictures of your full body. It's not a difficult thing. You don't want to constantly have to tell guys online that youre a big girl and hope that they are ok with it, that''s going to shred your confidence. Take some pictures of your full body and then when guys message you or talk to you, you know it's not a factor for them.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't have any advice for OP other than what others have said, but I do wonder why we never have any questions/threads from men with a similar issue?

[Grey40]

I don't have any advice for OP other than what others have said, but I do wonder why we never have any questions/threads from men with a similar issue?

 

I think this is because Women clearly look at many other qualities in a man than just initial looks..even in OLD. Men are just far more shallow as a species in general. Yes women can be too, but overall, it's just been drilled into our heads from society since we're little kids that all that matters is looks, status etc. Also genetically, we're more visual, and get much more stimulation from the surface than from scratching underneath. There are always outliers that don't fit the mold, but generally speaking, that's why.

 

The other thing is male ego and pride, both of which we probably have too much of. This makes it hard for us to admit the reasons why we have struggles. I'm not plus size in the least bit, but I understand why guys would never admit that's the reason. We like to live in denial in order to protect our egos.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think this is because Women clearly look at many other qualities in a man than just initial looks..even in OLD. Men are just far more shallow as a species in general. Yes women can be too, but overall, it's just been drilled into our heads from society since we're little kids that all that matters is looks, status etc. Also genetically, we're more visual, and get much more stimulation from the surface than from scratching underneath. There are always outliers that don't fit the mold, but generally speaking, that's why.

 

The other thing is male ego and pride, both of which we probably have too much of. This makes it hard for us to admit the reasons why we have struggles. I'm not plus size in the least bit, but I understand why guys would never admit that's the reason. We like to live in denial in order to protect our egos.

 

Interesting. Thanks for your response.

[act00]

I don't have any advice for OP other than what others have said, but I do wonder why we never have any questions/threads from men with a similar issue?

 

Good question. Women on TV and ads are all bone-thin. Sizing has changed over the years. When I was a teen, the size double-zero didn't exist. If I recall, 3 was the smallest size, and really revolved around the teen who just graduated out of girls' size clothing, whose hips and breasts and curves hadn't really developed yet. Women clothing sizes are different. You have juniors, women, and plus size. Men have "big and tall." Do the math. There's a difference, and just the terminology sets the stage.

 

Men worry as well, but I think there's more of a stigma with women. In addition, women are more inclined to talk and suss out details, thus posting on forums for advice. Men aren't wired the same way, so they don't post with this type of issue as often.

[Shining One]

I don't have any advice for OP other than what others have said, but I do wonder why we never have any questions/threads from men with a similar issue?

What about all of the various short guy threads?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

What about all of the various short guy threads?

 

Yes, those exist, but I was talking about plus sized men.

[Shining One]

Yes, those exist, but I was talking about plus sized men.

I'd say that plus sized men don't face the same issues as plus sized women. Men tend to screen more on weight/body shape than women. Women tend to screen on other physical attributes, such as height. Thus, plus sized men would not be comparable to plus sized women, just as short women would not be comparable to short men. Short men and plus sized women are comparable in that they are both outside the general "ideal" of a significant portion of the opposite sex.

[some_username1]

I'd say that plus sized men don't face the same issues as plus sized women. Men tend to screen more on weight/body shape than women. Women tend to screen on other physical attributes, such as height. Thus, plus sized men would not be comparable to plus sized women, just as short women would not be comparable to short men. Short men and plus sized women are comparable in that they are both outside the general "ideal" of a significant portion of the opposite sex.

 

I guess it depends on your definition of plus-size. The media is doing a great job of 'normalising' obesity in women (which imo is dangerous as obesity simply isn't healthy). We hear all the time about the term BBW and guys who are into them, I see it in society a fair bit but one thing I don't see is women with guys who are....well, fat.

 

The body acceptance movement seems to be typically female-centric. Nobody is telling men to just 'rock that beer gut' or whatever. Are BBW women chasing after their male equivalent? It seems to me that women are told to embrace their curves so they have more confidence with dudes who are in shape and regular gym-goers themselves.

 

So yeah I wonder where these big guys who struggle with their weight are because society doesn't seem to be putting up much of a fight for them and I don't see guys like that on the street with women. Any women. It makes sense in a way, harsh as it sounds if you had to construct a dating hierarchy of desirable people, without a lot of money or the biggest winning personality ever an overweight guy has to be bottom. Not very nice, but dating economics is a very real thing

[BluEyeL]

I'd say that plus sized men don't face the same issues as plus sized women. Men tend to screen more on weight/body shape than women. Women tend to screen on other physical attributes, such as height. Thus, plus sized men would not be comparable to plus sized women, just as short women would not be comparable to short men. Short men and plus sized women are comparable in that they are both outside the general "ideal" of a significant portion of the opposite sex.

 

That is true. My husband, whom I met on OLD, is "big and tall". Now, I personally never screened men based on looks. I hardly looked at the profile pictures. I assumed I'll see them exactly how they are when we first meet. My husband didn't really have very clear pictures in his profile, and yes, he was bigger than I thought he'd be. But he was also tall, so I liked him. I am more attracted to "big and tall" men than to "short and skinny" since I'm not "short and skinny" myself and those type of men make me feel big.

 

OP, like others said, post extremely realistic pictures online. Do it today, don't wait! I don't know how big you are, when I was dating, I was size 12 US, so not skinny, not very big, but overweight nevertheless. I put multiple pictures that showed me the way I am. Yeah, the six pack guys didn't message me, but guys who did, liked me just the way I was and I didn't have to see their face fall when I walked in.

 

I did see their face fall a couple of times when I did "It's just lunch", because they don't share pictures there, it's truly blind dating. It's not a good feeling. I was what the forking fork dude, I'm not that fat and who do you think you are, do you even own a mirror ?lol But truth be told, men have types and I wasn't their type. Not that they were mine, but I am not as judgemental about looks to start with. So don't have that experience. Post the pictures that show you just the way you are. It's better, believe me.

[BluEyeL]

I am not sure why an overweight woman would like to be with the "regular gym goer" anyway, it wouldn't be a fit on the long term. For casual sex, yeah, whatever.

 

When I was dating, I was going to the gym regularly in the winter and I was walking and biking 1h/day in the summer, but I wouldn't say i was hard core, just being a bit active so I don't have a heart attack next year. I dated some guy who was very much into fitness s and it was forking exhausting. We would have never been a fit. I got a couple of injuries from when I dated him and I have at least one scar and one leftover pain in my knee to prove it lol

[BluEyeL]

I guess it depends on your definition of plus-size. The media is doing a great job of 'normalising' obesity in women (which imo is dangerous as obesity simply isn't healthy). We hear all the time about the term BBW and guys who are into them, I see it in society a fair bit but one thing I don't see is women with guys who are....well, fat.

 

The body acceptance movement seems to be typically female-centric. Nobody is telling men to just 'rock that beer gut' or whatever. Are BBW women chasing after their male equivalent? It seems to me that women are told to embrace their curves so they have more confidence with dudes who are in shape and regular gym-goers themselves.

 

So yeah I wonder where these big guys who struggle with their weight are because society doesn't seem to be putting up much of a fight for them and I don't see guys like that on the street with women. Any women. It makes sense in a way, harsh as it sounds if you had to construct a dating hierarchy of desirable people, without a lot of money or the biggest winning personality ever an overweight guy has to be bottom. Not very nice, but dating economics is a very real thing

I think you're wrong in your assessment. Fat is more acceptable in men than in women and there are fat guys with women, like I said my husband is what you call fat, he has a gut and is not a gym goer. I know other men who are fatter than my husband and are married to good looking women. And I also know fat women who are married. But being big has always been more acceptable for men than for women and it still is. True that they are not at the "top" of the dating hierarchy, but they do find partners.

[JuneL]

I dated some guy who was very much into fitness s and it was forking exhausting. We would have never been a fit. I got a couple of injuries from when I dated him and I have at least one scar and one leftover pain in my knee to prove it lol

 

Now I'm curious what types of exercises you did together to get those injuries?

[caveman621]

All I can say is just be honest. I am by no means a fitness model. Moderately,average fat for my 55 years? But back when I was doing OLD I met a woman who had nothing but face pics. I was not at all attracted to her. Shallow, I know. But it was awkward for me and I know it was for her. Better to let them know up front and online rather than IRL where it is awkward for everyone. I am, I think, a very polite person who never wants to be hurtful to anyone. I felt horrible. She felt horrible. Better to avoid that.