What's wrong with me? I have courtesy I guess

[mortensorchid]

I have been encountering this from others as I get older which I think is very annoying. People are asking me why it is I have never been married or had children - I am 42 about to be 43 in a few weeks. My reply is simply this: "No one's asked me". Because that's the case, no one's asked me. Instead I had a bunch of classic stories behind me of the man not wanting to commit. Then the man rebounded, married the next one who came along barely a year later, and got divorced (but that's another story). Not that I tell them that.

 

I used to be a more flamboyant person. I used to think that I could ask innovative questions without filters. After getting chewed out by two so called "friends" a long time ago, I changed my ways and I am a more silent person, stay very polite and respectful (or I try to anyway). And one of the things I have done in this situation is to not ask people how/why things are with them. I would never ask someone how/why they have never married and/or had kids, I would also never say anything so rude or horrible to them like "no wonder you're (age) and still single" even after their behaviors how/why have shown themselves to be the case. You wonder why some people are on marriage #3 or 4? Get to know them and you find out why.

 

I ask that people practice certain amounts of courtesy when they meet others. For example, if ever I were to meet a doctor or a nurse socially, I never ask them anything about medicine, physician billing, insurance, etc. The last thing I want to do is talk about work when I am not working, I'm sure that's the last thing that they want to talk about as well. I always talk about other things with them. People will respond better to you in that way.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have been encountering this from others as I get older which I think is very annoying. People are asking me why it is I have never been married or had children - I am 42 about to be 43 in a few weeks. My reply is simply this: "No one's asked me". Because that's the case, no one's asked me. Instead I had a bunch of classic stories behind me of the man not wanting to commit. Then the man rebounded, married the next one who came along barely a year later, and got divorced (but that's another story). Not that I tell them that.

 

I used to be a more flamboyant person. I used to think that I could ask innovative questions without filters. After getting chewed out by two so called "friends" a long time ago, I changed my ways and I am a more silent person, stay very polite and respectful (or I try to anyway). And one of the things I have done in this situation is to not ask people how/why things are with them. I would never ask someone how/why they have never married and/or had kids, I would also never say anything so rude or horrible to them like "no wonder you're (age) and still single" even after their behaviors how/why have shown themselves to be the case. You wonder why some people are on marriage #3 or 4? Get to know them and you find out why.

 

I ask that people practice certain amounts of courtesy when they meet others. For example, if ever I were to meet a doctor or a nurse socially, I never ask them anything about medicine, physician billing, insurance, etc. The last thing I want to do is talk about work when I am not working, I'm sure that's the last thing that they want to talk about as well. I always talk about other things with them. People will respond better to you in that way.

 

As long as time trods on, people will never stop asking questions like this, so you might as well just get used to your pat answer of "nobody's asked me." I think that's a fine response.

 

By the way, did you ever notice that in just about every one of the threads you start (this is not scientific, I didn't go back and check every one), part of your summary always includes something like "but that's another story?" "But that's a story for another time?" This has nothing to do with anything you've posted, just pointing out a cute anecdote I noticed about your posting style .

[mortensorchid]

Well, just about everything behind everything we do is another story, isn't it? Ha ha ha ...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Well, just about everything behind everything we do is another story, isn't it? Ha ha ha ...

 

Tis true!

[Ruby Slippers]

I don't get those kind of questions from random people, but a line I've heard over and over again on dating sites is: "How is such a beautiful/amazing/wonderful/blah blah woman like you still single?" My simple answer is: "I'm a complex woman."

 

This answer never turns them off, by the way. If anything, they're more intrigued.

[act00]

You live and learn. You might find out something you say or do is wrong or offensive or boundary stomping because someone told you, or someone intruded on your personal life causing offense, or you experienced negative consequences..so you stop. Also, maybe you heard or read about personal experiences of others in such situations and learned something from it. It doesn't mean that people won't ask about your personal life, as you're not fitting the "standard norm," and they always will, and "No one asked me," is about as good as any response I can think of.

 

It doesn't mean they want to know "the whole other story" either, and even if they do, you don't have to share. It's not their business. This is for close friends, not acquaintances, though depending on the person/intent, if you go into a long diatribe, they'll avoid bringing up that topic again!

 

You're not the only one, and unfortunately you have to maneuver around such comments and questions as if there is something inherently wrong with you, when there isn't. Some people are friendly and just genuinely curious and non-judgmental, while others are busy-bodies and critical. You can't change these people. You can only change your reaction to it.

 

As a woman in her 40s, have you encountered judgement from men you date? I've had a few who found the fact I didn't date or have a long-term relationship for more than a decade problematic, "red flaggy," when the reality is, I simply wasn't looking...at all, though if someone happened along by chance, I was open to it. It's only been the past couple years I've actively pursued dating.

[Highndry]

I think my next response to "why have you never been married?" will be "because I don't believe in marriage."

 

I am starting to think that it was a good idea I never got married - that I was onto something the whole time. I say this because I honestly do not know of a single successful, happy marriage no matter where I look. There's either divorce or unhappiness. The reasons run the gamut, and even what seem to be the perfect pairings are buckling under the stress of life in the USA as we now know it.

 

Just my two cents, feel free to disagree.

[BaileyB]

It's just the way it goes...

 

People both well-intended, and ill-intended, will ask if you are married and/or have children because it's a rather logical thing to do. It may be nothing more than simple curiosity and an attempt to learn more about you... It may also be insensitive and hurtful. Those are the moments when it really hurts.

 

The comment itself is quite impolite and really none of their business, but you have no control over what other people will say. You should have an answer prepared for these awkward moments. And, try not to get upset by it... those who ask why you are not married may in fact, be in an unhealthy marriage themselves. You just never know.

[SevenCity]

People tend to think you are passing judgement on them or assume you want what they do when you are not living life as they are.

 

When I was married every married couple with kids asked when I was having kids or why don’t I have them. What if I wasn’t able to? Is that any of their business?

 

When I was dating a woman long term, married people would ask why I didn’t get married. When I went out with people and didn’t drink, all the drinkers would ask me why I don’t drink. The last girl I went out with (who didn’t drink because she was allergic) asked if I was an alcoholic. I responded with “If I was an alcoholic I would be drinking, no?”

 

I’ve never once assumed that my way is right for anyone else so I refrained from questions such as these. When I find a girl on OLD who was never married and asks if I was, I might reciprocate with “Did you decide not to get married or just haven’t found the right one?”. That’s only when they bring it up.

 

I really don’t have a high opinion of most people and it lessens when they do stuff like this. I recall my ex wife telling me she was upset and some guy in the elevator said “Oh come on, can’t be that bad!” What if she just lost a loved one?

 

Personally, next time you are asked I would respond with “Do you always ask inappropriate personal questions that are none of your business or did I somehow give the impression it was ok to ask?” But then again, I don’t care for people too much lol.

[greymatter]

Another thought is you could answer in a way that doesn't make it sound like you've been yearning for that but no one has chosen you. For instance, you could turn the question back and say "Why do you ask?" or "That is a very personal question." Or "I'm waiting until I meet the right person" all depending on who is asking and how much you really feel like answering. It's none of anyone's business and pretty insensitive for sure. If a person (not saying you) has been waiting their entire life to meet someone special and get married, and it hasn't happened, that question would sting deeply every time.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think my next response to "why have you never been married?" will be "because I don't believe in marriage."

 

I am starting to think that it was a good idea I never got married - that I was onto something the whole time. I say this because I honestly do not know of a single successful, happy marriage no matter where I look. There's either divorce or unhappiness. The reasons run the gamut, and even what seem to be the perfect pairings are buckling under the stress of life in the USA as we now know it.

 

Just my two cents, feel free to disagree.

 

 

"Why would I???" would probably make people shut up about it .

[Eternal Sunshine]

It used to bother me but not as much lately. I have found that people that are not happy with their marriages tend to ask this more. I don't have high opinion of most people. I would much rather be single than be in their marriages (that involve, cheating and/or substance abuse and/or no sex for at least a year and/or heavy emotional abuse and/or basically living separate lives). I don't say it out loud but that's what I think.

 

Women that are in happy marriages (from what I know) tend to attempt to make me feel better.

 

Also I have found that, the more a married couple declares their love on social media (with nausiating frequency), the worse their actual relationship is.

[mortensorchid]

WHen people ask me how and why I have never been married and/or had children, I answer them with "I'm not sure, I never gave it much thought", "No one's asked me as of yet". If they say something rude back to me (and they have, believe me), I tell them as respectfully as possible "Thank you, that's really not your business". Some, if they press further, I walk away from them.

[littleblackheart]

I'm not sure that people ask out of outright maliciousness; they might just be curious or too nosy, which isn't the worst trait.

 

 

I'm regularly being asked why I'm single, mostly by well-meaning friends who think being paired-up is the solution to all problems (I was married and have kids so not really the same situation, but I've been single a while).

 

I don't take it as a personal offence, probably because I like being single. To me, it's a deliberate choice that I have fully embraced but I'm sure it must be grating if you're self-conscious or down about your situation.

 

The only advice I would give is to try not to take it personally, even when it seems insensitive or judgey; it's not a reflection on who you are as a person.

[ChatroomHero]

It doesn't bother me. I recently a answered a girl that asked it by saying, I don't know. I am absolutely delightful. Are any of your friends single? It wasn't stand-offish and push the conversation to any deeper level.

 

 

One post was right on though, I notice the only ones that typically ask me are usually the ones in marriages where there seems to be conflict. I just figure they are trying to figure out the secret to my success.

[todreaminblue]

I would say i just havent met my guy yet...i dont really get asked this ..i get more people assume im married.....when they mention my husband whom i dont have...i say ...im not married im single ...maybe one day ...deb

[basil67]

I remember an acquaintance asking me when my long term defacto and I were planning to marry. Instead of answering the question, I asked her when she and her partner were planning on marrying. She ran off crying! Turns out she'd been desperate for a proposal for a very long time. And no, they didn't end up marrying.

 

As a general rule though, I don't ask questions about when people will get engaged, married or have kids. You never know what heartache may be lying below the surface.

[Chilli]

I think my next response to "why have you never been married?" will be "because I don't believe in marriage."

 

I am starting to think that it was a good idea I never got married - that I was onto something the whole time. I say this because I honestly do not know of a single successful, happy marriage no matter where I look. There's either divorce or unhappiness. The reasons run the gamut, and even what seem to be the perfect pairings are buckling under the stress of life in the USA as we now know it.

 

Just my two cents, feel free to disagree.

 

 

Yeah this is a really big thing to me these days to having been through a divorce now and knowing a lot about what really goes on behind the scenes in a marriage,

l can read couples l see like a book and sadly for one reason or another, often l'm pretty glad l'm not in their shoes now,

often it's worse , like for god sake just shoot me now if l have to live like that.

 

But , l do see a few l envy and wish l could have that again.

[Chilli]

But yeah , must feel awkward sometimes . Even as a guy now l get the look and sometimes the question, how come l'm single .

Or a year after a divorce they think wtf , your still single , aren't you moving on !

l'm trying to invent a standard no questions asked afterward answer , haven't come up with one yet.

l haven't spent much of my life at all single and it's a really weird feeling at this age being on the outside looking in for really the first time.

 

Might be worse being single after divorce , always get the feeling people think your a failing.

Strange in my new neighborhood a town, seems to be a real family town, think l must be the only single in the place.

[OpenBook]

"Why aren't you married?"

 

"Juuuuuuust lucky I guess." :D

 

Seriously I don't know why people would wish marriage on anyone.