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I might be crazy, but I need confirmation


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 12th December 2017, 4:56 PM   #1
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I might be crazy, but I need confirmation

Hey people,

It's the holiday season so I'm sure I'm feeling extra lonely as us single people typically feel around this time of year but I haven't been able to shake this one and don't think I'm going to for a while.

Anyways, I am in love with this girl that I met in college about 3 years ago. When I did live at college, we used to hang out with me and her roommates a lot of the time and we were always locking eyes, always being playful with one another, always kind of feeding off of each other. We just had really great synergy all the time and still do when we see each other.

The weeks before I graduated college, I felt compelled to lay it out on the line and tell her that I thought she was the most beautiful girl I've ever met and that I would never overstep my boundaries since she had a boyfriend (here is your intro to my obstacle), but that I also wanted her to know what my intentions were with our friendship. She left the door open with her response telling me she appreciated me telling her but she also didn't stomp on her boyfriend either. She literally just said "I appreciate you telling me" in more words than that. We proceeded to hang out a couple times after this had happened and maintained a friendship over the years.

Fast forward 2 years, this summer, me and my friends had a beach house and she would come down to the shore with her friends, I would catch wind of it and invite her to where ever we were going, have her pregame with us and when it came time to go to the bar, we would keep each other company at the bar as well. I don't want to neglect to mention that she would find excuses to touch me as I would find excuses to touch her too. So there was something in the air between me and her. She had said things such as "I'm drunk and won't remember anything tonight" when she was clearly not that drunk, told me that we should text each other whenever we were drunk, and we also hung out one night until 4AM just walking the streets of this beach town just enjoying each other's company. I actually had multiple strangers come up to me that summer and tell me I need to keep pursuing (in bro-ier language) simply because I think they observed how we looked at each other. If that ain't a sign, what is?

I can tell she loves her boyfriend, but I can tell that she also has feelings for me. She's said some things to suggest this, but she's never done or said anything to the extreme that would consider you to think that she's failing her boyfriend which is another reason why she's so god damn amazing.

I'm not kidding when I say this is the most beautiful, graceful, funny girl I have ever met in my life and I'm lucky to have known her let alone be her friend. I don't even want to sound poetic, I'm just speaking the facts..

Side note: They've been dating for 8 years so since 16 years old.

What is my next step? Do I readdress my feelings for her? Do I press the issue? I'm scared to even text her because I don't want her to pick a side. I don't want to even put her in that position. To be honest, I don't think I don't want to hear an answer I don't want to hear either. I'm constantly wondering whether or not this kid is about to give her a ring on Christmas. My patience is wearing thin and I know I'm probably gonna do something but I need guidance. So please, any wisdom would be really appreciated.

Last edited by Clay128; 12th December 2017 at 5:09 PM..
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Old 12th December 2017, 5:47 PM   #2
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She isn't free to pursue a relationship with you, but it's always nice to hear another guy likes you.

That's where she's at. I think you guys being friends when you have these feelings is dangerous... and it sounds like she'd like to blame alcohol on anything she might regret with you.

If she was your GF would you like the type of friendship she has with you... with another guy?
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Old 12th December 2017, 6:03 PM   #3
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What is my next step?
Your next step is to leave her alone.

She is not yours to love.
She is with somebody else
Until that changes, you need to dial your feelings and your intentions back.


At any rate....

She is doing this dance with you while she has had a long term boyfriend.

So let's say everything worked out the way you wanted and you two are together...

What's to stop her from doing this dance with somebody else if you are dating her?

The only thing you have so far other than some flirting and innuendo over a few years is a snapshot as to what she is capable of doing while professing her love for another.

you really want to keep going down this road when she has given you a peek into who she really is?

Believe her and end this nonsense. This has disaster written all over it.
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Old 12th December 2017, 6:12 PM   #4
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If she has been with her boyfriend for 8 years there's a good chance that he is in a routine and doesn't do things like long walks on the beach just talking. I'm sure she loves him but her relationship probably isn't full of the newness and excitement that you offer her and she is probably just enjoying the fact that you are giving that to her on the side. I have been there myself.

I definitely don't think you should wait around for her. Start dating other girls.

Good Luck
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Old 12th December 2017, 6:15 PM   #5
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It's extremely unlikely you'll get to be with her as long as she is with her bf. All the behaviour I see in your post is nothing more that would be expected from very close friends of the opposite sex. You're very close friends and thus she shows affection for you which is reciprocated. She probably also enjoys the extra validation.

Sadly it's landed you in a situation where you've caught feelings, and it's always going to put tension in your friendship. If you can't hold back your feelings you might have to keep a bit of distance until you can keep them in check.
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Old 12th December 2017, 8:26 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Space Ritual View Post
Your next step is to leave her alone.

She is not yours to love.
She is with somebody else
Until that changes, you need to dial your feelings and your intentions back.


At any rate....

She is doing this dance with you while she has had a long term boyfriend.

So let's say everything worked out the way you wanted and you two are together...

What's to stop her from doing this dance with somebody else if you are dating her?

The only thing you have so far other than some flirting and innuendo over a few years is a snapshot as to what she is capable of doing while professing her love for another.

you really want to keep going down this road when she has given you a peek into who she really is?

Believe her and end this nonsense. This has disaster written all over it.
Hahaha I appreciate the advice. I don't think she's as nefarious as you're led to believe and I can definitely understand why you're saying what you're saying.

To paint the picture a little better, I am fully dialed back at the moment. My feelings are from a distance at this point. It's hard to move on because I honestly can't find a girl that vibes as well with me as she does and so I'm left being patient and letting things just come to me. I hang out with other girls and do my own thing still, but I just choose not to date right now because nothing I've seen has been as good as the times that I've spent with her so I don't feel myself invested in trying that hard for other girls.

As for the dance she does with me, it's ran through my head that if she ever began to date me, would she do this with somebody else? But my heart and head just believe that this is something between me and her. It's a behavior of hers, sure, but we share a lot of the same friends and I just think that she's happy when she's around me. I don't see her giving off the same energy to any other guys that look at her. And there's a lot of them.

I think the only right answer here is to be patient. But I guess what could I be doing in terms of my involvement as I wait for a hopeful end patiently?

I guess I'll start dating, but again, how invested am I going to be in that relationship? Doesn't seem too fair to the other person if I have such strong feelings for someone else.
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Old 13th December 2017, 7:32 AM   #7
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You put yourself in this position by making sure she was invited to all the things and then long, romantic walks and whatnot, and you did this knowing she has a boyfriend. Why you pursued her in this way, I don't know, but it's causing you some heartache. It's time to let this girl and friendship go. The romantic flirting is not a friendship, and I'd like to know where her boyfriend is all these times she's at these parties and flirting with you and staying out until 4 a.m.? Would you be okay with your girlfriend having this kind of relationship with one of her "friends?"

She likes the spark and the newness, which is normal, but lacks boundaries; both of you do.

So what do you think you'll get out of a woman who breaks up with her boyfriend of 8 years that she's been dating since the age of 16? I see a hot mess, personally. She's going to want to play before settling down again (she's playing now in a "safe" version), and she'll go through a lot of boyfriends first. She will continue to stomp on your feelings...though unintentional. You're fun right now because you're safe. She has a boyfriend. Without that barrier, I doubt she'd run directly into your arms for a happily ever after. She hasn't gotten to "play" like a lot of women and men who were single and dating during the teens and early 20s. She's going to be a mess in relationships because all she's known is her boyfriend she's had since sophomore/junior year of high school. How long do you want to wait?

Move on, date others. Create a boundary. Friends or no friends...no flirting and romantic walks and late night talks, etc. I'll stay up late with my girlfriends...we don't cuddle, touch, or flirt. Get her out from under your skin and meet other women. You're really only in love with a fantasy right now. It's not the real deal.
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Old 13th December 2017, 9:38 AM   #8
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She knows you like her but in 3 years has never dumped the BF to be with you. She spends time with you at the beach & in those bars because she knows you are "safe" & you stroke her ego while she's probably telling the BF that you & she are "just friends". Frankly she's playing you both.
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Old 13th December 2017, 3:02 PM   #9
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Thank you people for taking the time to hear me out and give me really good answers on this. I think it's clear that I have to do a better job of moving on and getting on with my life lol
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Old 13th December 2017, 4:06 PM   #10
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If this was some dude writing us asking what he should do and it was your girlfriend involved, what would you want us to tell him?

You need to leave her alone before her boyfriend and his posse ride up on you.

I'm sure he's not going to have a favorable view of you touching his girlfriend.
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Old 13th December 2017, 4:13 PM   #11
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You are just a filler....doing things that make her feel desired that her BF doesn't do anymore....She likes the secretness of the events that have taken place...she gets a thrill/boost from it....these are false romantic feelings. She likes the attention you give her, not you.

I bet money on it, if her and her BF ever split up, she won't be looking for you, she will be looking for other guys.

You are being a damn love lost fool. You need to break free of this unhealthy cycle you are in. Life is too short dude....time to find yourself a new girl...one that is available.
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Old 13th December 2017, 4:14 PM   #12
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I agree with the others.

You and she this "close" works out for both of you as follows: She gets the extra validation/attention from you. And you are getting validation/attention from her, AND you are thinking that you are this close to getting with her when in reality you may not be.

You need to pull back from this. There is little incentive for her to change this, she gets to have her cake (your attention) and eat it (her relationship with her boyfriend) too. Which for her is kind of the best of both worlds. All YOU are getting though is hope that something may happen between you and her.

Ironically if you show some boundaries and self-respect and pull away, AND if she decides that she truly would rather be with you than with her current boyfriend has truly run its course, she will come find you.
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Old 13th December 2017, 4:20 PM   #13
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Hahaha I appreciate the advice. I don't think she's as nefarious as you're led to believe
No, actually she is. She's manipulative. Ever ask her how she explains all this time she spends with you to her boyfriend? Ever ask her if she tells him that you two find ways to touch one another? Why not (to both of you)?

Think of all the things you and she do together. Now, think of her doing those same things with a new guy. She has no loyalty outside of what amuses or pleases her. She certainly isn't demonstrating loyalty to her boyfriend. The whole touching each other thing makes that plain. Would you like for another guy to be touching her the way you do if you were her boyfriend? I mean, you can be good friends without engaging in behavior that would make someone post what you've posted based on the feelings you've been led to develop through that chick's behavior.

Quote:
As for the dance she does with me, it's ran through my head that if she ever began to date me, would she do this with somebody else?
Of course she would because that's how she is. Past is prologue. It's a pattern of behavior with her and how she manipulates guys. She probably got her boyfriend doing this.

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But my heart and head just believe that this is something between me and her. It's a behavior of hers, sure, but we share a lot of the same friends and I just think that she's happy when she's around me. I don't see her giving off the same energy to any other guys that look at her. And there's a lot of them.
But she's got a boyfriend and she's doing this with you. This is what she does when she's got a boyfriend--she shares her intimacy with one other guy. You don't share all of her friends, just some of them, so you really can't speak as to who else she does this with.

This isn't between you and her. It's between you, her and her boyfriend and if things were so on the up and up, you'd tell him that you're doing this with her and fear nothing.

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I think the only right answer here is to be patient. But I guess what could I be doing in terms of my involvement as I wait for a hopeful end patiently?
Don't play yourself out like that. You're squandering your youth behind someone who can't be emotionally/intimately loyal. I would advise to begin learning to look over your shoulder a lot.

Quote:
I guess I'll start dating, but again, how invested am I going to be in that relationship? Doesn't seem too fair to the other person if I have such strong feelings for someone else.
Don't date anyone until you've gotten this female out of your system. No new girl deserves that level of disregard for her esteem.

If her relationship with him is so dull and lackluster that she seeks out other guys to do fun things with, then she needs to either figure out a way to do those things with him or leave that relationship. If she won't do either, then you're just around for amusement and she really likes the stability of a boyfriend who doesn't know exactly what she is up to.

Also--how is it she has this much time away from him that she spends a lot of it with you?
Imajerk17 and act00 like this.

Last edited by kendahke; 13th December 2017 at 4:24 PM..
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Old 14th December 2017, 10:35 PM   #14
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I might be crazy, but I need confirmation

You are obviously a very sensitive, kind and caring guy. I applaud you for that. You will make someone very happy with those traits. I know this situation is frustrating and even hurts, but I think you need to leave this alone right now. She is in a committed relationship and that is a big red flag. You stand the chance of being very hurt if you pursue this. She has been with her boyfriend for eight years and remains in the relationship. As of today, there is no intention to leave. If she was just a committed friend, you would have met her boyfriend and been spending time with the both of them. If she has spent time with just you and shared what she shared, she is not being fair to you or her boyfriend. I know this may be tough to hear, but I am being honest and open out of concern for your well-being. There is an old saying, "if you love something, let it go.....if it is meant to be yours, it will return." Let this go and live your life. If there is a plan for this to be different, then she will find you and share her feelings after her relationship with her boyfriend is over. If that doesn't happen, it is because you are destined to be with another magnificent, special lady who will love and appreciate you as much as you love and appreciate her! Stay strong! If this is a lonely time of the year for you, consider volunteering and keep yourself surrounded with people who appreciate a dose of love sent their way. Be well. Blessings this holiday season!
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