Dating with depression

[Cooper04]

A while back I matched with a girl on Tinder. We started talking, but she consistently took 3-4 days to respond. When she responded, she was very positive and enthusiastic. I didn't comment on it, but she said that she was slow in replying due to her not being on Tinder often.

I asked her out and got her number.

We met up for a few drinks and played pool. She only had one beer, and complained of a headache. We had a very nice time together, but after 3 hours she said she had to go home due to the headache. I sorta leaned in for a kiss, she gave me a hug instead.

I went home thinking she may not be interested, but wasn't sure as I didn't know then the headache was real.

Messaged her(SMS) the next morning, she gave a very positive, immediate reply.

I messaged back, she took 24 hours to respond. Again, very positive in her reply, but it took her a day. Met up again after a week to work out(We're both fitness fanatics).

Drove her home, outside her house she put her head on my shoulder and sorta laid there for about 30 mins. We then made out. A very nice date and atmosphere throughout.

But afterwards, it was back to the 24-36 hour waits for texts. Couldn't figure out if she was interested or not.

Met again, third date we worked out again, then went back to mine and made dinner.

A lot of making out, but she said it was too early for sex. We both had a wonderful time. Drove her home, set up the fourth date in the car. Was supposed to be today, dinner at my place again.

 

She has throughout these weeks complained about her health. Constantly having headaches, colds etc. We cut the workout on the 3rd date short due to her coughing.

When we're together, everything is awesome. Her texts are very positive and ticks all the boxes in terms of showing interest, but she takes forever EVERY time to answer.

But I have had a worrying gut feeling, partly due to her late responses, but also her behaviour. It's like there's something she's not telling me, something feels wrong. I have my own history with depression, and I did think I recognized some of the signs in her.

 

She texted me last night to confirm the date, talking about how much she was looking forward to seeing me again.

I sent her a text this morning, to let her know what was for dinner.

She then sent me this, 3 hours before I was supposed to pick her up: (My translation)

 

"I'm not feeling good. For many reasons. Went to the doctor today for a vaccine, and other things. I refused his offer to put me on sick leave, but I'm leaving work now and running away to my mother on the weekend. A lot going on in my family, I don't want to talk about what. I have no motivation for anything, including dating and getting to know new people. I can't do it, I have nothing more to give. I hoped I could, but this day today and my mothers illness put the nail in the coffin. I can't cope"

 

Her mother lives in another town.

 

After 3 years on Tinder and more than 50 first dates, I had finally met someone I genuinely felt a connection with and saw as a potential long-term mate. I'm devasted right now. The message reads kinda like a cry for help and attention, but I also want to respect her request for space.

So what would you guys do? How can I handle this situation?

I have no problem stepping back and giving her space if thats what she needs, but I don't want to give her up..

 

Thanks for reading everything

[snowboy91]

I understand it sucks that the one person you have a connection with has done this, but unfortunately her pulling away is her decision and not something you can control. She's not in the right space for a relationship at the moment and therefore won't be able to give you what you want. It might be worth letting her know that you've really enjoyed the time you've had together, but you acknowledge her need for space.

[kassy]

Tell her you've enjoyed the time with her and that you hope everything works out okfor her and you're sorry she is going through such a tough time. Then tell her that you appreciate the honesty in messaging you and that if she wants to catch up whenever it may be that she comes out the other end of this if you are still single you would really like to hear from her. Then say you'll request for space and leave the ball in her court.

 

If I was her that's what I'd want to hear, and maybe I might message after, but if you hadn't sent it I wouldn't have

[Cooper04]

Tell her you've enjoyed the time with her and that you hope everything works out okfor her and you're sorry she is going through such a tough time. Then tell her that you appreciate the honesty in messaging you and that if she wants to catch up whenever it may be that she comes out the other end of this if you are still single you would really like to hear from her. Then say you'll request for space and leave the ball in her court.

 

If I was her that's what I'd want to hear, and maybe I might message after, but if you hadn't sent it I wouldn't have

 

Thank you for your advice.

I sent something like that..

I said we had a great time together, she is amazing and that I'm sorry to hear she's struggling. I'd be there for her if she wanted me to. I then asked if I could call her.

 

She didn't respond, so I tried calling last night, she rejected the call.

Unless she contacts me, I'll leave it alone. I might send her a message next week to let her know I hope to hear from her again when she gets back on her feet, but other than that I see no point in trying to contact her again.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you for your advice.

I sent something like that..

I said we had a great time together, she is amazing and that I'm sorry to hear she's struggling. I'd be there for her if she wanted me to. I then asked if I could call her.

 

She didn't respond, so I tried calling last night, she rejected the call.

Unless she contacts me, I'll leave it alone. I might send her a message next week to let her know I hope to hear from her again when she gets back on her feet, but other than that I see no point in trying to contact her again.

 

Many people do not want to talk on the phone when they are feeling the way she is feeling....myself included.

 

I think it's fine to send a follow up message next week.

 

This is a bummer for sure....bad timing. I can relate 100% to how she's feeling, though.

[Steve51]

Back in my day depression was not something anyone spoke of or cured. I did not know it at the time but my Fiancé was/is bipolar and as a result we broke up after 4 years together. She also cheated on me but it was part of her sickness and quest to self medicate with guys who plied her with free drugs. They also had sex with her and she got pregnant by some unknown guy.

 

Breaking it off with her even though I loved her was difficult but I did it. It was the best decision I made in my life. She went on to destroy her life and the men in it who stuck by her. She was eventually diagnosed but it still was a difficult life for her. She still hears voices and listens to what they say. She married a man just to get her son's college tuition paid for and then left him when the last check cleared. She joined a commune, became a drug addict and even change her name due to the voices telling her too.

 

She left a path of destruction of poor men who all thought they should stay and help her but she just cheated on them and went off her meds due to the side effects which made her a vegetable.

 

If the girl was your wife then stick with her but dating is supposed to be a time when you can try out women and find someone perfect for you, if not you can leave without any penalties. She is not perfect for you and needs to find help. You cannot force them to get help. Many will go off their meds and/or seek illegal drugs. I know a few women like this that I have been asked to talk to since I am suffering from depression too and on medication. Many of them have very difficult lives with divorces and even jail time when they steal to support drug habits. Think carefully before you proceed. She is a girl you met and not your wife. Help her get help but unless you want to lead a life that is going to be rocky, move on and let her handle her problem on her own which is sometimes the better option anyway.

[irresolute]

She's been very polite, but she's not into you. Leave her alone.

 

She might had wanted to give you a chance, but she realized she's not feeling it. I'm sorry you're hurting. She seems a very nice person.

[Lamartine]

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

 

I suffer from depression. I know that, when times are hard for me, I tend to withdraw, and I don't like talking on the phone. I don't have enough information to be able to tell if she is into you, although it seems like she has at least some interest.

 

I agree with the person who said not to call her again but to text her again in a week. Just let her know that you are thinking of her and hope that she is okay, and reiterate that you are there for her if she needs anything.

 

If I were interested in someone but having a depressive episode that made dating difficult or impossible, I would appreciate such a message. I would also probably get back in touch with the sender when things were going better for me.

 

In the meantime, though, don't wait around. Continue dating: you never know who you might meet!

[Cooper04]

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

 

I suffer from depression. I know that, when times are hard for me, I tend to withdraw, and I don't like talking on the phone. I don't have enough information to be able to tell if she is into you, although it seems like she has at least some interest.

 

I agree with the person who said not to call her again but to text her again in a week. Just let her know that you are thinking of her and hope that she is okay, and reiterate that you are there for her if she needs anything.

 

If I were interested in someone but having a depressive episode that made dating difficult or impossible, I would appreciate such a message. I would also probably get back in touch with the sender when things were going better for me.

 

In the meantime, though, don't wait around. Continue dating: you never know who you might meet!

 

 

Thank you for your post, it genuinely made me feel better. As I've said, I've had experience with depression before, both myself and with girlfriends. My last serious relationship ended because of it. I've been working with myself these last 2 years trying to figure out why I'm attracted to troubled girls and to learn to recognize the warning signs. This one hid it well, and I guess I let myself be fooled.

 

Just to update, she texted me this morning.

She said thanks for the kind words and for caring. And then basically repeated the first message, saying dating and new people were too stressful when she was feeling like this. She needed to focus on work, family and close friends.

 

I replied I understand, I had an awesome time with her and hope we can meet again when she is ready for it and to take care of herself.

 

I'll leave her alone now, see no point in doing anything more. I might text her after new years to see how she is doing, if I still feel like it.

[Lamartine]

I think the way you behaved was genuinely classy and kind. Someone with your emotional intelligence and sensitivity to other people's needs will eventually meet another quality person--whether it be this girl or someone else.

 

I think the only choice you have is to leave her be for now. I would not be surprised at all if you hear from her in the future--even if it months from now.

 

Be content to know that you did a very nice thing by someone who needed it.

 

Don't write off all girls who suffer from depression, though. It can be a huge difficulty in relationships, but, at least in my experience, it's often not a problem if the person is managing her condition (taking medication, seeing a therapist, etc.). Someone with depression that is under control can often be sensitive, empathic, and creative.

 

And, of course, I think you are right to do the work to understand why you might be attracting the same type of girls over and over again. I tend to attract narcissists, but, with the help of a therapist, I am learning the red flags and beginning to break the pattern.

 

My impression of you is that you are a very good person. You deserve to find happiness.

[Cooper04]

Thank you again Lamartine, I truly appreciate your kind words!

I worry that with just 3 dates between us, we won't have built a strong enough connection for her to think of me months from now, but I will just have to wait and see.

Not very motivated for dating anyone else right now, I think I will take a break from it all for a while.

 

My problem isn't so much attracting girls with problems, it's me who's attracted to them. It's like depression and mental health issues is something I look for in a potential mate.

 

In terms of managing her condition, in my country(Norway) there is unfortunately a lot of social stigma attached to seeing a therapist. We medicate ourselves like no other, but seeing a mental health expert is still something you don't talk out loud about. I don't know this girl well enough to say for sure, but it would not surprise me if she refused such help.

[spanishmistakes]

Uff... I feel your pain. I went through something very similar.

 

Just as a heads up, I made the mistake of pursuing it for a long time. I was supportive, gave distance, fought everything that could be fought with heart. Long distance involved. Long weekends visiting.

 

In the end, it was a terrible mistake for both. She was not ready for it and there was no way around it. She ended up hurting me way too many times. I ended up realizing I could not stand & power through the constant struggle anymore and ended up wrecking her as well.

 

Bad, bad business! It's bad now, but you could be perfectly fine a month or two from now, with a nice memory of somebody you shared something brief with in your head. Make sure you don't turn this into a 1-year messy investment that only wreaks havoc for the both of you.

 

That doesn't mean you can't leave a door open for her, but make sure you know what you are getting into...

 

Lots of luck and love

[rightondude]

I don't have any advice to offer but I wanted to say it sounds like you have done everything right, genuinely right, not just in the "how can I get this girl?" right way.

[Highndry]

Sorry to hear that. I'm sure it's a huge disappointment given how hard it is to meet a quality person we are attracted to these days (at least in the US, not sure about Norway).

 

I think it's for the best, honestly. While she may have depression she doesn't seem open to a relationship or putting forth any effort, and that would not meet your needs at all. The last thing you need is to be doing all the work while she's just taking you for granted.

 

I don't think you should take too much time off, I think you should get back out there and meet another woman.

[spiderowl]

I think the fact that she delayed responding to your messages suggest some ambivalence on her part. I dated a guy who did the same and it made me feel uneasy. By the time he did reply - and he did seem genuinely interested - I was already feeling annoyed about the delay. We went out three times and each time there were long delays in responding. When I met someone else on a chat site who seemed really nice and lived locally, I decided to meet him (as a friend at that point). I would not have met him if I'd be entirely happy with the way the other guy was responding.

 

Your date has backed off and whatever her reasons it seems she was feeling mixed all along. She enjoyed the dates, you enjoyed them too, but she was not entirely wholehearted and did not feel she could cope on top of other issues. Had she felt you were the right person for her, she would have hung onto you whatever her other issues.

 

You've done all the right things in your responses. I would keep a distance now and not seek to contact her, however much you want to. Let her miss you. Sometimes that's the only way some people can test their real feelings. But be wary if she does get in touch and I would advise you expect better communication from her or give her up as a bad job. There is just no excuse for leaving someone special waiting that long for a reply.

[jjgitties]

My problem isn't so much attracting girls with problems, it's me who's attracted to them. It's like depression and mental health issues is something I look for in a potential mate.

 

Don't fall into the fallacy to allow yourself to think that you, by gracing them with your gallant presence, is somehow going to be able to save them from mental health issues or depression. Many professionals who do it for a living day in day out aren't able to make a difference in their patients lives.

 

Its probably best you give this girl some space.

[mortensorchid]

I think you better ... Not go any further with this woman for a variety of reasons. All her behaviors have said she's not that interested in you, that she's suffering from depression (chances are it has nothing to do with you). If you think you can fix it or something, you have another thing coming.

[Cooper04]

Thank you for all your replies!

 

My personal take on it, I could have been Mr. Perfect and it wouldn't have mattered. Her head is not in the right place for dating and relationships. I think her interest level was high enough, but the timing wasn't right. I can hope she will get back in touch, but there is little else I can do now.

 

I can imagine it would be difficult to start over as well, so I'm resigned to giving this one up.

 

 

Edit: To the last two posters, trust me. I know better than to think I can cure someones depression. I've suffered from depressions myself, the only cure comes from within.

Edited December 2, 2017 by Cooper04

[carhill]

Reading her last message, and I've read similar, or perhaps heard similar since my dating life far predates mobile phones and texting/e-mail, my response would have been, and has been, simply:

"Thanks for contacting me and being honest about how you feel. I hope it works out for you"

 

For myself, the most recent similar experience occurred about a day before I was supposed to fly an altered routing from the east coast to Texas to meet someone on my way back to California. I expressed my disappointment, thanked the person and contacted the airline to change my flight regime. I've had similar occur with intercontinental travels back during my international dating period. The bottom line is people have their own stuff and, while I tend to cast my commitments in concrete, I respect that others don't so go with the flow. No sense in an apparently depressed person toughing it out and being poor company, as in your case. Easy peasy, done.

 

Back during those years, after experiencing many iterations of what you experienced, I came up with the plan B scenario, in that I always had a plan B if someone bailed on a social engagement. As an example if I was going on a date to a dinner and movie I'd check the schedule for the classic car club and plan to take one of the cars and do a cruise-in or meeting if the date went south. Stuff like that.

 

Onward!