SpinScratch Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I wish I could say I'm asking for a friend, but I dont really have any I have a lot of acquaintances, and am very outgoing, but I'm 34 and have pretty much grown away from my close lifelong friends and am not very close to my family. Due to certain life choices like excessive drug use and other things, I keep a lot of people at bay and I never really developed any close friends in adulthood. Sometimes when I meet a woman, if I get any hint that she has a strong social life and a tight circle of friends, I bail before she finds out I'm a loner. It's a little embarrassing for me. Sometimes I'll keep a woman at bay to make it seem like I have to spend time with other people, when really there is no one else. My life is fine, I'm happy with it. I do a lot of things and travel a lot, I just do them all alone. I don't know anyone who has interest in things like art museums, and concerts, and seeing new places. Well, I do but they are probably going to bring a bag of cocaine with them. So... I guess I'm just curious how a woman feels when she meets a new guy and really likes him, then starts to realize he has no real relationships with anyone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 dude, men are loners, women know that. you'll do fine with the broads 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I can kind of relate to this as I'm middle-aged now and all of my old friends live out of state. My last gf didn't really care. She did her social thing and I'm always busy so it's not like I made her my entire focus. I'd say it's nothing really to worry too much about. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I don't know if I agree with the OP who said men are all loners. I don't believe they truly are. I am a woman. True, I have outgrown most of if not ALL of my childhood friends, to be sure. I have a very wide circle of friends and acquaintances. I have, unfortunately, met a lot of guys (and have been involved with) men who don't have a lot of friends and acquaintances. And I mean those who completely avoid social interaction with others - they don't go to parties, bars, etc. where there are people. One was very extreme - he was rural and he lived out in the middle of no where literally miles away from others. He was completely anti social, his only outings were to go to the movies all by himself. He had no internet connection, no TV. He had a phone that you could make phone calls and send a text message on, but that was it. Was he happy that way? I don't think he was truly because he wanted a gf. He had one friend that I knew of, and that guy was equally as anti social as he was. Needless to say, it's all relative. If I were to meet a guy without ONE friend or acquaintance in the world, I would be wary. If you meet someone like this and you kind of give them a social life, they do nothing but rip yours apart. Because they have nothing to loose. SO yes, it's a red flag to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kassy Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I'm probably ok with it as long as you have a complete life yourself and are happy, but are also happy to do things with my friends every now and then. Don't worry and don't bail, just let them decide for themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 dude, men are loners, women know that. you'll do fine with the broads Yeah, most guys I know my age have a few male friends and the rest of their social lives depend on their wives. They're the same guys who employed or worked with dozens to hundreds of people during their work careers. Now it's just a few good friends shooting the breeze, fishing, hunting or drinking beers. A guy who knows how to have solid male friends, even if just a few, and socialize in general, usually has the social skills to do fine with women and I've yet to see any significant inhibition in that area from the ladies. Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I wouldn't mind if they are a lone wolf (sigma male) as that is their preference and focus on other aspects of their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpinScratch Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 I do just fine with women. I've been single for about 9 months and have been dating. But I notice I've had some opportunities with women that I've let slip through my fingers just because of this issue. It's like a secret that I dont want to get out. But maybe they dont relly care. We're not talking about just having a few close friends that I can go fishing with. I'm saying I have to go fishing by myself, everytime. (Not that I fish but you get the point.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author SpinScratch Posted November 22, 2017 Author Share Posted November 22, 2017 I wouldn't mind if they are a lone wolf (sigma male) as that is their preference and focus on other aspects of their lives. Ooo Sigma Male, I like that. I just googled it. An outsider to the male heirarchy. Introvert but dominant. Thats accurate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 Generally if you are single and in your 30s and you dont live in a high career ladder city like new york city, you have a big single friend void. Most guys in the early 30s have settled down and gotten married and possibly started families. Divorces happen usually aftr 10-15 years so when guys start to hit 35-40 you start to see an increase insingle guys due to divorce. getting buddies is generally very difficult in your 30s. AT this age if your friends arent the ones from when you were early 20s the friends you make are more likely to be... 1. neighbors to where you live 2. If you are married these are parents of your kids friends/classmates3. places you are more active in socially like church or some other organization or club you belong to. f you live in a city like new york city where people tend to be more career focused thus single life skews older before people start to marry and settle down and have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Mkn1010 Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 You sound exactly like my old housemate, same exact age too! I really thought he was a great guy, albeit a loner and just misunderstood, for the first six months. I then started to see how HE was the common denominator with all the people he spoke of with "severe issues" that he no longer associated with (family, friends, ex girlfriends). Turns out he was an egotistic, alcoholic, narcissist! So I personally see it as a massive red flag if a guy I'm dating doesn't have ANY close relationships. And I don't mean quantity here, if he has a very small network of a few trusted family members and only one friend for example, that would not raise any alarm bells! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I think it's safe to say that not all loners are created equal. There are the loners like the OP is talking about, who had no problem making friendships as a youth and young adult, but who have less and less friends as time has gone on due to life's circumstances. Then there are your, shall I say, "Norman Bates types," . The latter is not a good look. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I haven't read all of the replies, but here is my opinion. I (female, almost 45) have a LOT of close female friends. And a lot of not close female friends and some not close male friends. I don't go out with any of my close female friends "a lot," although when I do see them, I love my time with them. I treasure it. I would not want to give it up for anything. I do recognize that men typically have a harder time making connections with male friends like females do. STILL, I REALLY would like my male partner to at least have a handful of really good buddies he could rely on, hang out with, call in an emergency, etc. I just don't think it speaks well for either sex to not have close friends. At least I would not really be able to relate..... Link to post Share on other sites
rightondude Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 "I don't know anyone who has interest in things like art museums, and concerts, and seeing new places. Well, I do but they are probably going to bring a bag of cocaine with them." There's a ton of women out there who would be waaay into that. I can't tell if you did do drugs or still do drugs, but drugs are a great way to meet women. Yeah you'll probably keel over in your late 40's but you're still likely to meet some fun women. If you're off the drugs....how long have you been off the drugs? It's kinda hard to re-acquaint socially after doing so. Maybe that's the issue? You'll have to learn a whole new "bond" with people. Note: I'm not on drugs. Maybe I used to be. A long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I haven't read all of the replies, but here is my opinion. I (female, almost 45) have a LOT of close female friends. And a lot of not close female friends and some not close male friends. I don't go out with any of my close female friends "a lot," although when I do see them, I love my time with them. I treasure it. I would not want to give it up for anything. I do recognize that men typically have a harder time making connections with male friends like females do. STILL, I REALLY would like my male partner to at least have a handful of really good buddies he could rely on, hang out with, call in an emergency, etc. I just don't think it speaks well for either sex to not have close friends. At least I would not really be able to relate..... It's different for guys. Most of us can't stand talking on the phone with our friends. I'm good for like 10 minutes or something, then I'm pacing. I think that leads to loss of contact. When I do get together with buddies, it's usually to DO something, go golfing, ride motorcycles, whatever. It's activity based. When I gave up the bachelor lifestyle of bars and what not is when my social life took a tumble, but I have never cared. I started going to bed early and getting up early, living a completely new life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 It's different for guys. Most of us can't stand talking on the phone with our friends. I'm good for like 10 minutes or something, then I'm pacing. I think that leads to loss of contact. When I do get together with buddies, it's usually to DO something, go golfing, ride motorcycles, whatever. It's activity based. When I gave up the bachelor lifestyle of bars and what not is when my social life took a tumble, but I have never cared. I started going to bed early and getting up early, living a completely new life. I HATE talking on the phone, too. Tonight I got together with some former coworkers, all females, and connecting with them (wine and a cheese plate) was fuel for my soul. I have not talked to any of them on the phone, probably ever. I SO much prefer talking in person over talking on the phone! (We do all have Facebook but don't really post a lot there). I absolutely understand it is more difficult for some men to connect with other men. But, I still think it is important. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I HATE talking on the phone, too. Tonight I got together with some former coworkers, all females, and connecting with them (wine and a cheese plate) was fuel for my soul. I have not talked to any of them on the phone, probably ever. I SO much prefer talking in person over talking on the phone! (We do all have Facebook but don't really post a lot there). I absolutely understand it is more difficult for some men to connect with other men. But, I still think it is important. It's actually easy for me to make friends, I just don't want to. With friends come expectations, people ask you to go do things, and I feel bad declining so it's easier just not to. I kind of like having my close friends out of town because I just make a trip to see them, get my fix, then I'm good for a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 It's actually easy for me to make friends, I just don't want to. With friends come expectations, people ask you to go do things, and I feel bad declining so it's easier just not to. I kind of like having my close friends out of town because I just make a trip to see them, get my fix, then I'm good for a while. Oh I feel you! But I still totally love it when I get together with these girlfriends......quarterly..... I have another close girlfriend who would probably go out on the town with me every single night she's either not with her children or her boyfriend....she never wants to just be home. I can't understand this! I crave alone time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I have a lifetime of good friends. My husband doesn't have many. Since we have been married through what I think of as my good influence he has reconnected with some buddies he served in the military with. I think they have made his life richer. He has also adopted some of my friends or at least their BFs & husbands. Stop letting your circumstances hold you back from pursuing women with bigger social circles. She won't care to the point she will break up with you because you don't have a big group. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 Oh I feel you! But I still totally love it when I get together with these girlfriends......quarterly..... I have another close girlfriend who would probably go out on the town with me every single night she's either not with her children or her boyfriend....she never wants to just be home. I can't understand this! I crave alone time. I.have a male friend like this. Can't be alone. If he's not on a date he would want to meet up.almost daily with me or one of his friends. He never (and I mean never) even eats breakfast alone at home. Me, im happy to catch up once a week, or less, with guy friends. But I can't imagine having no guy friends at all... And I would be wary of a partner with absolute no good close friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Trail Blazer Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I think that unless you're very new to town, thus not having friends in your current city, It's a little odd to not have any friends at all. I don't think having any friends would be ideal. No woman would expect you to be a social butterfly, but I think a lot of women would find it awkward. You might find your quiet, introverted types who'd be happy to be joined at the hip since they themselves have few friends, but those types are few and far between. I don't want to sound judgemental at all, but from my experience the ladies who have big friends and even families prefer men to also have that as well. You may well be judged harshly by some. Having said that, it's definitely no reason to not put yourself out there on the market. Just know though, that some women will find it concerning and a potential red flag. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Tribble Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 Personally (as a woman), I have a few close friends and some friends who live very far away I see a couple of times a year. I then have friends of friends I hang out with as a group. My 2 best friends, I see very regularly, on average at least once a week. So I don't have a very large friendship circle. I love deeper friendships I can be completely open and comfortable with and those relationships take time to develop. I also value my alone time so I don't have many of these friends. It wouldn't put me off dating someone with few friends but I may be a little hesitant if they had no relationships at all. It could be a sign that the person cannot connect and develop a relationship with another person. In my relationships, I like friendship first, romantic to follow. It would be tricky if someone didn't have those kind of skills. I wouldn't stop dating them solely because of this, but I would be on the look out. My ex didn't have any friends when we first started dating as he'd recently moved to my city. It wasn't a problem at all. The problems developed when he did make friends and chose to see them and spend money with them over me every single time. All about balance in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Quagmire243 Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I grew up in the 90's and watched Friends and always thought it was normal to have a large circle of friends you practically lived with. Maybe like mentioned before this is a New York thing, but I would say I only have one true friend. It's not like I don't get a long with people, I just don't bond with people I guess. I also don't throw around the term friend and don't just add people on Facebook because they ask. To be quite honest, I tend to get a long better with women than men. I guess I don't enjoy the stereotypical things men are supposed to do when getting together with other men. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I don't know if this has been asked yet because I haven't read the replies, but why are you so afraid to allow people in? All of my close friends are on the West coast or in Nevada. I'm on the east coast and in the 11 years I've been here, I've cultivated a number of friends, both outside of work and at work. I think you have to open yourself up and trust the process and not be so afraid of being judged harshly for your past mistakes, unless it's something like child molestation. The older I've gotten, the more I see people my age who battle past alcohol and drug addiction fall out--going to AA or NA meetings seems to be where people who've had past struggles find community and a safe place to be vulnerable without feelings judged. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 22, 2017 Share Posted November 22, 2017 I don't have a problem with it. My last long term relationship was with someone who had a very similar experience as you and as a result was very much a loner. To be honest, I actually enjoyed it because it made me the center of his universe which, at that time, I needed to feel that way. Although I have many friendly acquaintances, I can count on one hand how many people I would truly call good friends. And I like it like that. Family is very important. I have a very large extended Italian family but don't see them nearly as often as I used to like when we were all young. My immediate family, on the other hand, are extremely important to me and my life even with all the dysfunction and craziness. As long as my partner is open to being part of MY circle, particularly my family, I couldn't care less how many friends he has. The right woman won't care about your friendship list, however big or small. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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