Online Dating; Starting Over

[Quagmire243]

I'm looking to restart online dating. I set up a profile and messaged over 200 women and got maybe about 5 responses that all just seemed to be courtesy responses. I have deduced it's a combination of my profile, message, and attractiveness.

 

A little background. I am 32 years old and have never really dated. I used to be overweight and would avoid dating and social situations. I have lost 300 pounds and am trying to start dating. I have no idea what to include in my profile to make it stand out from other guys. I'm not sure what women are looking for when looking at a guy's profile. My messages to women were not cut and paste. I would find something in their profile to ask about but never got a response. I'm also not sure when to tell a woman is actually interested and to escalate it to an in person meeting. I'm comfortable enough to converse online but find it harder to do it in person. I'm hoping to get comfortable enough with someone online to than transition to in person but I can't get anyone to answer me.

[Gaeta]

Congratulations on your weight loss!! After accomplishing this you need to beleive you can accomplish anything your heart desires, it's just a matter of beleiving in the end result and beleiving in yourself right? and yes it will happen in dating as well.

 

First you need to change your way of thinking. Don't ask yourself what women want but ask yourself what YOU want. Build your profile to reflect YOU, and don't worry about anything else. Different women want different things. The only constant thing is what YOU want.

 

If you want serious dating then put it there, describe your life style, your hobbies and what you are hoping to find online.

 

A woman that is interested will act interested. She will be looking forward to your messages and she'll reply promptly. You are all on there to meet, after a couple of days exchanging a few messages invite her to meet over a coffee. If she hesitates, if she says it's too soon, then drop her and seek another woman. You are not on there to cather to women, you are there with a goal in mind, to find a woman to date, stir away from any time waster that don't know what they want.

Edited November 21, 2017 by Gaeta

[kassy]

Congratulations on the weight loss that is amazing!!!!!

 

I would suggest trying a dating site but also an app. Like maybe Bumble. On Bumble you swipe like tinder but the girl has 24 hours to initiate the conversation after a match. It might be a good combination for you. If you pay for premium you can see who has liked you which can make it more efficient.

 

I would suggest, don't talk for too long online before meeting them. You'll probably be terrible the first few dates regardless of how much talking prior to dates you do so I'd suggest you get those under your belt quite fast so you get over the nerves and are more yourself on future first dates.

 

If you don't chat too much online then you have more to talk about in person.

 

Think of it more like being stuck on an airplane next to a total stranger and having a conversation. Not like your future wife. I have found taking the pressure off myself and just trying to enjoy myself in the moment and get to know them makes me much more relaxed.

 

For me I prefer not to drink alcohol on dates as nerves and booze do not bring out my best qualities, others find the opposite. So play around with things and find what works for you.

 

But date, get out there, have lots of fun!

 

Also maybe join some meet up groups to do things you like, potentially meet more people, and give you more to talk about on dates.

 

You lost 300 pounds, it didn't happen overnight. I'm sure there was a learning curve and you perservered. Same approach to dating and you'll work it out and have fun!

[Quagmire243]

I have pretty much stayed with Match and eHarmony but maybe I'll branch out to some apps to get some dates. My weight had prevented me from experiencing things so I have nothing to talk about or hobbies and interests to share. I have become more active in attending work functions. It would be easier to practice my social skills with people I already know.

[Gaeta]

I have pretty much stayed with Match and eHarmony but maybe I'll branch out to some apps to get some dates. My weight had prevented me from experiencing things so I have nothing to talk about or hobbies and interests to share. I have become more active in attending work functions. It would be easier to practice my social skills with people I already know.

 

Now is time to enjoy all of the things you couldn't before. Try new sports, join groups with similar interests, do volunteer work in animal shelters or for the red-cross, join a political group, all those places are also good at meeting potential gf.

[rushed]

If your looks aren't top-tier then you have to think of another way to get their attention, which can sometimes be done with an awesome sense of humor. (Super cheesy puns do it for me, but go with whatever your humor is.) And, like you have been doing with your messages, make it specific and/or related to their profile, otherwise you'll also come across as a guy who copies and pastes the same message to everyone.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Congrats on the weight loss! That is very impressive!

[sdraw108]

It's important to be aware that no matter what you do, you will get a poor response rate from OLD as a male, so don't take it personally or allow it to knock your confidence. That's just the nature of it. Girls get flooded with messages and no matter how attractive you are and well written your message is, there's a high chance of it getting lost in the noise.

 

The only way to be successful at it is sheer persistence. It will be hard work and will be infrequently rewarding, but occasionally you will get something out of it.

 

Choosing subscription based sites and paying for the subscription makes a difference. There tends to be less time wasters when people are handing over their money to be on the site.

[kassy]

I have pretty much stayed with Match and eHarmony but maybe I'll branch out to some apps to get some dates. My weight had prevented me from experiencing things so I have nothing to talk about or hobbies and interests to share. I have become more active in attending work functions. It would be easier to practice my social skills with people I already know.

 

I highly recommend you celebrate your weight loss by going out and trying stuff you couldn't before! Have a look on meetup.com and join a bunch of different groups, go join an activity once a week to start with. Constantly meeting new people is the best way to home your social skills and doing activities is fun and you can discover things you might enjoy and meet a whole world of new people who might become friends or future love interests.

 

I highly recommend doing a salsa night or something like that as usually there are way more women than men and the ladies are thrilled to have another guy there. Even if you are terrible it's still fun!

 

They have all kinds of groups so there is plenty to try from board game clubs to hiking and other sports

 

Keep up the online dating too. But it's nice when you're chatting to someone and ask like how was your day and they say something like good, I tried rock climbing for the first time tonight and had a blast. Or I did salsa dancing tonight and confirmed I do indeed have two left feet. Was lots of fun though everyone was very patient with me ha

 

So going and trying stuff not only makes your life more interesting and gets you to meet more people and hopefully discover some new things you enjoy. But also provides great chat for online dating.

[Versacehottie]

I have pretty much stayed with Match and eHarmony but maybe I'll branch out to some apps to get some dates. My weight had prevented me from experiencing things so I have nothing to talk about or hobbies and interests to share. I have become more active in attending work functions. It would be easier to practice my social skills with people I already know.

 

OR conversely it can be easier to practice your social skills with people that you have nothing to lose with? Right? With a virtual stranger, you should understand on one level that you can rewrite the preconceived notions that people who know you already have. Sometimes that helps with you being unconstricted by the past. With most dating and especially OLD or apps, it's a higher percentage that probably won't work out. Use that knowledge to be your best self and fine tune and yes probably make missteps or mistakes with people that might not work out anyway for a variety of reasons. You are getting great advice above. I would also encourage you to 'bend' your thinking a bit: for every reason you throw up an obstacle or roadblock, find one to combat it. Like "people i already know" would be easier to socialize with vs. "people I don't know at all" would be open to seeing the best me.

 

I think it's great that you are going to expand your hobbies, etc so you have more to socialize about. This is really important. Not that you have hobbies specifically but to be passionate and interested in something. It's also good in lieu of having a lot of experience to be charming with girls. You need practice & it can be good to fall back on facts of your life, things you are about to do, want to do, etc when you might be at a loss for words to just run on pure charm. It never hurts to ask her a lot of questions and definitely go back and forth with the conversations. Find things to bond on and engage---not just exchange information. Oh and i always think things that make people nervous like a job interview or a date, you should look at it like this: the person you are meeting doesn't want you to fail, they'd love it if you were the one they are looking for. So don't be too scared, there is freedom in that!

Edited November 21, 2017 by Versacehottie

[Quagmire243]

Now is time to enjoy all of the things you couldn't before. Try new sports, join groups with similar interests, do volunteer work in animal shelters or for the red-cross, join a political group, all those places are also good at meeting potential gf.

 

I have a bad knee. My doctor was talking about a knee replacement at age 30. I'm looking to get a trainer and strengthen my knee and hopefully join some sports in the summer. I had someone mention about meeting women at a dog park. I don't own a dog but I'm thinking of taking my parents dog to a dog park. He's a Pomeranian/Eskimo mix and should be a hit with the ladies.

 

If your looks aren't top-tier then you have to think of another way to get their attention, which can sometimes be done with an awesome sense of humor. (Super cheesy puns do it for me, but go with whatever your humor is.) And, like you have been doing with your messages, make it specific and/or related to their profile, otherwise you'll also come across as a guy who copies and pastes the same message to everyone.

 

I have no idea if my looks are top tier. I just assume they aren't. I did start to grow a beard because a woman I am interested in at work has commented before about liking guys with beards. Not sure if it's working for me or not.

 

It's important to be aware that no matter what you do, you will get a poor response rate from OLD as a male, so don't take it personally or allow it to knock your confidence. That's just the nature of it. Girls get flooded with messages and no matter how attractive you are and well written your message is, there's a high chance of it getting lost in the noise.

 

The only way to be successful at it is sheer persistence. It will be hard work and will be infrequently rewarding, but occasionally you will get something out of it.

 

Choosing subscription based sites and paying for the subscription makes a difference. There tends to be less time wasters when people are handing over their money to be on the site.

 

I do have subscriptions with eHarmony and Match. The upside is there have been at least 200+ matches I have liked and more I haven't even bothered to message.

 

Here is my current about me. I wanted to be a little different. I haven't messaged much with it since I was pursuing a woman at work. I don't know how to come off interesting since I probably have the personality of Napoleon Dynamite.

 

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes" - Jim Carrey

 

So who wants to roll their eyes at me? My mom says I'm adorable and according to my annual employee evaluation I work well with others. My adventurous side includes anything from road trips, to exploring the outdoors, or going to Walmart after dark. I enjoy watching cats from kittens to Tigers and Lions. I play vintage video games, go bowling, play miniature golf, or bike riding. I like to travel whether it be cross country or in state. Staying in and hanging out is fine too.

 

Looking for a woman who is kind, easy going, and upbeat. Someone who has her life together and can introduce me to new places and experiences. I'll hold up my end of the bargain by being a nifty guy who is honest, dependable, laid back and is the bee's knees. (I tend to use phrases from before my time)

[Quagmire243]

I will also add that I haven't messaged anybody since I got down to my current weight. In September, I had excess skin removed. Essentially I had a tummy tuck. I'm currently 6'0 and 175 pounds so my weight is not likely to get any lower so I took some updated pics with proper fitting clothes. I also feel like I don't take pics well. I feel like I look better in person. Hopefully the new pics will help.

[Versacehottie]

I have a bad knee. My doctor was talking about a knee replacement at age 30. I'm looking to get a trainer and strengthen my knee and hopefully join some sports in the summer. I had someone mention about meeting women at a dog park. I don't own a dog but I'm thinking of taking my parents dog to a dog park. He's a Pomeranian/Eskimo mix and should be a hit with the ladies.

 

 

 

I have no idea if my looks are top tier. I just assume they aren't. I did start to grow a beard because a woman I am interested in at work has commented before about liking guys with beards. Not sure if it's working for me or not.

 

 

 

I do have subscriptions with eHarmony and Match. The upside is there have been at least 200+ matches I have liked and more I haven't even bothered to message.

 

Here is my current about me. I wanted to be a little different. I haven't messaged much with it since I was pursuing a woman at work. I don't know how to come off interesting since I probably have the personality of Napoleon Dynamite.

 

Hmm, others that do online dating may want to chime in about your profile. I thought it was fine for the right girl which IS who you want to respond to this. The only parts I would change are any reference to Jim Carrey. You don't want to have people turn away or associate you with him, especially because he is really polarizing, just in general & now he is also dealing with a scandal which I'm guessing some potential matches might know about (mistreatment of his gf, her subsequent suicide, STDs and a lawsuit where he has come off looking like a real a**). I understand the line you put in there as a lead-in and it's kinda cute for the right girl but I would avoid ANY reference to a person that is not you & particularly him. You don't want people's minds mulling over and mingling their thoughts about someone else while they should be considering you. Also it's kinda cute but also maybe too self-deprecating (about rolling their eyes), reads a little insecure & negativity--I would err on side of safer, more positive statement or remove that.

Edited November 22, 2017 by Versacehottie

[Quagmire243]

I never cared for Jim Carey. I just liked the quote and wanted to give proper credit. I forgot about his scandal, and since I never really cared for him, didn't pay much attention to it. I'll edit it for now right away and work on coming up with something else.

[Quagmire243]

I had also created a fake account as a woman just so I could look at men's accounts to see how I compare. Most are generic profiles. In terms of attractiveness, I don't believe I'm any less attractive. I wanted to be a little different so I figured I would try to bring them in with a quote. I was thinking of being more creative and starting with an Ernie Harwell quote and sort of narrating my profile as a play by play. Not sure it will appeal to the non sport fan

[Quagmire243]

Got a like from a woman on Match that seems real interesting. I decided to send her a message. She had written about being a sailboat racer in her profile so I asked about that. I know nothing of sailboating. Hopefully she responds. Really not sure where to go from there. I'm hoping if she responds she gives me something to reply too.

 

I also noticed a trick with eHarmony. Every time I update my profile, it sends a notification to all my matches. I got a lot of views and a like from updating my profile. Going to update once a week even if it's just changing a word just to get that notification sent out.

[mortensorchid]

Congratulations on the weight loss! That is beyond incredible that you lost that much!

 

Advice on OLD whether it's with a website or an app. In general, that is ...

 

During the first 5/6 weeks of being on a dating website (be it paid or free), you will get a lot of traffic. This is because you are "the new guy" (same for the women who sign up) and the website will parade you around as the fresh meat. You will get responses from women if you make the first move, which you have, maybe 50% of the time. Weed out the obvious hook ups and weirdness and find the actual women there who will return your messages. Don't say anything sexual to them if you want to actually meet them. Arrange to meet that woman (if you want to) within 4/5 messages back and forth. Otherwise you will just be in a pen pal situation updating on how your day went and trivial things.

 

Apps (such as Bumble or Tinder) are traditionally hook up sites. There's a reason they have this street cred. It's just for messaging people back and forth. Read their profile information - they may be looking for a hook up (and remember, Tinder was invented as the strait people's version of Grindr - if you don't know what that is, look it up, as it's the same technology). If you swipe right on them that means that you like them but if you do so and see that this person is obviously looking for a hook up, be aware of this. You can always unmatch from them. I haven't had a lot of luck with the apps. I met only a handful of people face to face with this, but they were go nowheres by other behaviors. But if you are interested in someone, OFFER YOUR PHONE NUMBER to them so that you are eventually communicating on their phone outside of the app. If you offer your phone number and that person just communicates through the app, they are keeping you at arm's length because they aren't going to "let you in" either before or after they meet you should they meet.

 

Hope that's helpful. Go forth and thrash.

[Quagmire243]

A woman liked my profile, I message her, she read the message, and didn't respond. I've had this happen a few times. Why would they like my profile only to ignore me? Is my message that bad?

[joseb]

. Read their profile information - they may be looking for a hook up (and remember, Tinder was invented as the strait people's version of Grindr - if you don't know what that is, look it up, as it's the same technology). If you swipe right on them that means that you like them but if you do so and see that this person is obviously looking for a hook up, be aware of this.

.

 

He's a guy, so this is unlikely to be an issue.

I can count on one hand the number of matches I've had that were looking for hook ups that were not obviously fake. This is a much bigger pita...dealing with fake female profiles.