How long to wait before sex?

[Tinie]

I'm seeing someone new. I've gotten into relationships before where there was sex on the first date, and all those relationships burned out very fast. I don't want to go down that road because the man in these fast-burn relationships gets really dramatic, which is exhausting for me to deal with and a turn-off.

 

I like this guy a lot so I want to get to know him before sex happens. How many dates is reasonable so that drama doesn't happen, but also so that he doesn't end up thinking I'm not attracted to him and that I'm just stringing him along?

[RecentChange]

I think it's hard to generalize these things.

 

I slept with my husband on the second date - yes husband. We have been together for over 16 years now.

 

So much for the fast burn out theory.

 

Some boyfriends I waited a bit with, others first date, and I have not seen any correlation.

 

Two longest relationships before my marriage, one was first date sex (we lasted 2.5 years), the other we waited a while, at least 3 weeks, and stayed together for a bit less than 2 years

[Buriall]

You talk to him just like what you said in your post.

 

Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

[BaileyB]

Absolutely. Talk to him, tell him that you like him and you can't wait to have sex, but you want to get to know each other first. If he really likes you, he will wait until you are ready...

 

Despite what many will say, there is no "magic number..."

[guest569]

What was the drama and behaviours that you found off putting in those fast burn relationships?

[basil67]

I slept with my partner of 25 years on the day we met. PRIOR to our first date. Still together and happy.

 

You only burn out fast if there's no substance the the relationship. But if there's a real cerebral connection AND sex, it will work out.

 

Edited to add: I had first date sex with my first husband.

[snowboy91]

I slept with my partner of 25 years on the day we met. PRIOR to our first date. Still together and happy.

 

You only burn out fast if there's no substance the the relationship. But if there's a real cerebral connection AND sex, it will work out.

 

Edited to add: I had first date sex with my first husband.

 

This. If a guy likes the person as well as the sex he'll stick around. I don't think there's a set amount of time to wait, it's really just when it feels natural and "right". Could be 3, 5, 10 dates in or on the first one. Or hooking up at a bar or Tinder before the first date. Up to you really. (and the other person - as long as both are respectful of the other!)

[PegNosePete]

I've gotten into relationships before where there was sex on the first date, and all those relationships burned out very fast. I don't want to go down that road because the man in these fast-burn relationships gets really dramatic, which is exhausting for me to deal with and a turn-off.

I'm curious. Do you think the man got dramatic because you had sex too early? Do you think that if you had waited, he would have been less dramatic and the relationship would have been less exhausting?

 

I very much doubt that is true. Someone's personality doesn't change based on how soon they have sex with you. If someone is going ot be dramatic then they will be dramatic whether you sleep with them on the 1st date or wait til the 20th.

 

I think you need to put your time and effort into choosing the right man, rather than how soon you have sex.

 

The bottom line is, have sex when you want to. But make sure the man is a suitable match for you first.

[Andy_K]

I'm seeing someone new. I've gotten into relationships before where there was sex on the first date, and all those relationships burned out very fast. I don't want to go down that road because the man in these fast-burn relationships gets really dramatic, which is exhausting for me to deal with and a turn-off.

 

I like this guy a lot so I want to get to know him before sex happens. How many dates is reasonable so that drama doesn't happen, but also so that he doesn't end up thinking I'm not attracted to him and that I'm just stringing him along?

 

Doesn't work this way. For any guy who is open to a relationship, it's not really going to matter how soon you sleep with him. Really it's just a question of how down you'll feel after if he only wanted sex, and how long it takes you to determine what he's looking for

[Eternal Sunshine]

I personally don't place much emphasis on sex. I do it when I feel like it which is different in every situation. Usually when I feel comfortable with a guy. I have dated a lot and don't see much correlation between timing of sex and length of a relationship. I also don't get more emotionally attached after sex so I know I will be OK if it ends then and there.

[act00]

There really seems to be no rhyme or reason when it comes to timing. I at least want to get a couple dates out of it first. It seems more likely to work out a little longer if they're invested in you without the sex, but once you do the deed, they can drop off the planet, no matter if it was the first date, 2 or 5 dates, and even when they seemed really interested you, as a person/friend and a lover...and <poof>. No one knows what will happen. It's always a risk. I would say communicate your feelings and just do it when the timing feels right.

[Sara1989]

Personally, I will wait for sex until I know for sure the guy is not going do a runner so there has to be an emotional attachment there and you can usually tell if a guy is genuine based on his actions/contact.

 

I would not give a time line as I had sex after 3 dates and it worked out and had sex after a month off several dates. Like I said go with your gut and have a talk before you have sex about where you both stand.

[Mysterio]

i would say from the time I met to her, to being my official GF about 8 weeks or so. I am not going to have sex on the fly and then have a unwanted pregnancy, because I was so horny and did not use protection.

[No_Go]

I'm seeing someone new. I've gotten into relationships before where there was sex on the first date, and all those relationships burned out very fast. I don't want to go down that road because the man in these fast-burn relationships gets really dramatic, which is exhausting for me to deal with and a turn-off.

 

I like this guy a lot so I want to get to know him before sex happens. How many dates is reasonable so that drama doesn't happen, but also so that he doesn't end up thinking I'm not attracted to him and that I'm just stringing him along?

 

There is no magic number. The drama that you describe is not because of the sex. It is just the personality of the guys that you’ve been with.

 

If you want to get to know the guy first ... I think more written communication and communication in general between dates will help, maybe space out the dates to once a week to give yourself this buffer no pressure time.

 

But to give advice on the number 5-6 dates seems to be the sweet spot in most cases. Although sex at date 1 or date 100 won’t make a difference if the guy is the right fit for you.

[Tinie]

Thanks for the responses!

 

To answer a few questions...

 

First, the guy in all these cases wanted to continue seeing me and I didn't want to see him. I wasn't being used for sex, all these guys wanted relationships but they all acted crazy. I agree that fast-burn relationships are just a theory but it seems to be a pattern for me and I'd like to break it.

 

One guy would start drama over nothing. For example, I woke up one day to him blowing up my phone asking for condomless sex because "how can we not have condomless sex, we're exclusive and both clean, so I don't know why I have to wear a condom". Entirely out of the blue, there was no prior discussions ever leading up to this. I also don't like having sex on my period, which lead to another outburst out of the blue with no prior discussion about how he doesn't care if its messy and he just wants to have sex with me so why am I denying him sex (seriously, it was that one weekend where we didn't have sex). He also wanted me to spend the entire weekend with him every week, talked about marrying me and having kids, and during sex would tell me that he was going to get me pregnant (which freaked the HELL out of me). I also found out he was an illegal and that he dealt drugs and pimped prostitutes in his youth (obviously I ran away screaming after that). He was 39.

 

The guy before this one was similar. I get cold approached sometimes and that boyfriend would then call me at 2 am to freak out about it (I told him that someone had asked me out and that I immediately rejected him, because keeping this a secret from my partner makes me uncomfortable). The guy before that told me he loved me after two weeks.

 

All of these guys I dumped somewhere between 3 weeks of dating, to 4 months. This level of intensity scares me, the drama blindsides me as I am often unaware of any problems until the guy blows up at me. The outbursts happen over issues that are not issues in my opinion, or if they are, can be approached with good communication. I have had stable, healthy LTRs before, but a recent stretch of these crazies has left me questioning.

 

Hence why I was wondering if it was the sex that happened too early. While I don't get attached after having sex, maybe these guys did get attached? Maybe having sex created a false sense of closeness that shouldn't have been there after the first or second date? They all got serious way too quickly after sex happened. I just don't want to go through this again.

[kendahke]

I'm seeing someone new. I've gotten into relationships before where there was sex on the first date, and all those relationships burned out very fast. I don't want to go down that road because the man in these fast-burn relationships gets really dramatic, which is exhausting for me to deal with and a turn-off.

 

I like this guy a lot so I want to get to know him before sex happens. How many dates is reasonable so that drama doesn't happen, but also so that he doesn't end up thinking I'm not attracted to him and that I'm just stringing him along?

 

That all depends upon the two individuals involved, what their intentions are and how badly they need to be in a relationship.

 

You may want to first have a conversation with the guy as to what his intentions are before you have sex with him.

[Tinie]

I think you need to put your time and effort into choosing the right man, rather than how soon you have sex.

 

The bottom line is, have sex when you want to. But make sure the man is a suitable match for you first.

 

I think this might actually be the issue...I'm 25. After my LTR, I didn't really have all that much experience and exposure to men so I must have missed the red flags along the way. I met all of these crazy men in person though, and talked to them a few times before dating them, and I didn't sense anything crazy until we had sex and suddenly they turned into psychos.

 

My LTR boyfriend (before the three crazies) and I went very slow. I had some vices at the time from my deeply religious upbringing so we established a very good foundation, there was a lot of chemistry and we connected on many levels. The sex was great and we stayed together for a long time before the feelings disappeared and we found ourselves no longer in love with each other anymore.

[stillafool]

Thanks for the responses!

 

To answer a few questions...

 

First, the guy in all these cases wanted to continue seeing me and I didn't want to see him. I wasn't being used for sex, all these guys wanted relationships but they all acted crazy. I agree that fast-burn relationships are just a theory but it seems to be a pattern for me and I'd like to break it.

 

One guy would start drama over nothing. For example, I woke up one day to him blowing up my phone asking for condomless sex because "how can we not have condomless sex, we're exclusive and both clean, so I don't know why I have to wear a condom". Entirely out of the blue, there was no prior discussions ever leading up to this. I also don't like having sex on my period, which lead to another outburst out of the blue with no prior discussion about how he doesn't care if its messy and he just wants to have sex with me so why am I denying him sex (seriously, it was that one weekend where we didn't have sex). He also wanted me to spend the entire weekend with him every week, talked about marrying me and having kids, and during sex would tell me that he was going to get me pregnant (which freaked the HELL out of me). I also found out he was an illegal and that he dealt drugs and pimped prostitutes in his youth (obviously I ran away screaming after that). He was 39.

 

The guy before this one was similar. I get cold approached sometimes and that boyfriend would then call me at 2 am to freak out about it (I told him that someone had asked me out and that I immediately rejected him, because keeping this a secret from my partner makes me uncomfortable). The guy before that told me he loved me after two weeks.

 

All of these guys I dumped somewhere between 3 weeks of dating, to 4 months. This level of intensity scares me, the drama blindsides me as I am often unaware of any problems until the guy blows up at me. The outbursts happen over issues that are not issues in my opinion, or if they are, can be approached with good communication. I have had stable, healthy LTRs before, but a recent stretch of these crazies has left me questioning.

 

Hence why I was wondering if it was the sex that happened too early. While I don't get attached after having sex, maybe these guys did get attached? Maybe having sex created a false sense of closeness that shouldn't have been there after the first or second date? They all got serious way too quickly after sex happened. I just don't want to go through this again.

 

These guys sound like they just want sex anyway they can get it and will say anything to get it. I don't think they really wanted a LTR but blowing smoke to see what they can get. As far as how long to wait before sex that is up to you. You do it when you feel comfortable and want sex. Don't have it to try to get into a LTR.

[RecentChange]

The pattern here isn't having sex early - it's that YOU are choosing men who share similar incompatibilities / flaws.

 

A better examination would be what do these guys have in common and why are you picking them.

[PegNosePete]

I met all of these crazy men in person though, and talked to them a few times before dating them, and I didn't sense anything crazy until we had sex and suddenly they turned into psychos.

So it seems like they were putting on an act to get you in bed, and as soon as you did, they reverted to their real selves. That can be quite difficult to detect and avoid. In fact by sleeping with them early you found out their true nature earlier. If you had waited for say 10 dates, then you would be more heavily invested in the relationship before finding out they were psychos.

 

I guess the question you have to answer is, which is worse? Sleeping with someone who turns out to be a psycho early, and only wasting a week or 2 of your life? Or not sleeping with them, but wasting 2 or 3 months dating them before they reveal their true personality as a psycho.

 

The best solution of course is to improve your people-picker. You need to weed out the psychos sooner. Listen to your gut, and don't ignore red flags.

[Cobra_X]

Hence why I was wondering if it was the sex that happened too early. While I don't get attached after having sex, maybe these guys did get attached? Maybe having sex created a false sense of closeness that shouldn't have been there after the first or second date? They all got serious way too quickly after sex happened. I just don't want to go through this again.

 

Sex is not what makes guys emotionally invest. It's something else you are doing that makes them become too serious too quick. Likely it's their response to your emotional unavailability.

 

I think fast sex could make a guy more open to showing his crazy though.

[No_Go]

I think fast sex could make a guy more open to showing his crazy though.

 

I agree here ^. That's actually very good argument for not postponing sex too much.

[Cookiesandough]

I make them wait 72 hrs (from the time we meet, not that we have to be together a whole 72 hours). It's my version of the 3 date/day rule. I tell them to watch the clock

Edited November 15, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[PegNosePete]

I make them wait 72 hrs

I'm now imagining some dude waiting outside your apartment in his boxers shivering in the cold for 72 hours...

[Cobra_X]

I make them wait 72 hrs (from the time we meet, not that we have to be together a whole 72 hours). It's my version of the 3 date/day rule. I tell them to watch the clock

 

Only you would go by the hour!

 

My suggestion is to go by feel.