DH123 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I started dating a girl and it been a couple months and I think I really love her but every once in a while I think about how it started and it really bothers me and upsets me. So I had been coming over to her house and sleeping with her (not sex just sleep) every other weekend and we talked all the time and we had kissed once. Then I go over to her house and find out that the day before she had just had sex with someone else. We had sex that night and we started dating after then but it really bothers me that our relationship started like that. Why did she do it when i was coming over all the time and talking to her and liked her and kissed her. Did she not care how i felt, she said she didnt want me to find out but i did. This is all new to me and i understand she loves me too and i know a one night stand doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with me and that i shouldn't trust her, i just want to talk about it and hear what people say. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 On the night she slept with that other guy, were you two already exclusive? From your post I'm assuming not, so she's well within her right to do that. She might have felt things were going too slowly for her so she went to explore other options. It seems like she chose you in the end anyway so I wouldn't worry. Unless my assumption is wrong and you WERE exclusive, then there *may* be a problem. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 From your post I'm assuming not, so she's well within her right to do that. Pfffft. And he's well within his rights to feel the way he feels. She may not have broken any laws, but that doesn't mean he's obliged to think of it as acceptable behavior. I don't blame him one bit. He will never be able to unknow what he knows, and it is indicative of character and suitability. Sorry OP. You have to listen to your instincts and make the choice that feels congruent to you. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Going to her house and sleeping but no sex? Was there a reason for that? It seems a little odd... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Pfffft. And he's well within his rights to feel the way he feels. She may not have broken any laws, but that doesn't mean he's obliged to think of it as acceptable behavior. I don't blame him one bit. He will never be able to unknow what he knows, and it is indicative of character and suitability. Sorry OP. You have to listen to your instincts and make the choice that feels congruent to you. I agree, if some guy I was slowly "building a relationship with" suddenly went off and slept with someone else, it would be over. Full stop. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Perhaps she was frustrated that you hadn't made a move, and was horny. Did she make the first move to have sex with you? Or did you finally act on the urge the first time? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I get it, it is a bit weird. I am still hung up over the fact my boyfriend went on a date and almost slept with this other girl after our second (and pretty much AMAZING) date. I remember he came right to my house the morning after his date (straight from the girls house) and told me everything and that it sucked and that he really wanted to be with me, and that he wanted me and nobody else. It was actually me who pushed him into seeing other people, as I was still seeing someone else at the time as well. It still hurt, though. We became exclusive then. I think that sometimes, women like to keep their options open until the man tells them he wants them. It's easy to get attached to someone if you are sleeping with them. So women date (and sometimes sleep) with other men as well, in order to not be too disappointed if the man decides against them. Maybe this is what your girlfriend was doing? You should be able to talk to her about it, though. Why was she sleeping with the other guy? Was it a ONS? Does she have a lot of ONS? Or was it another guy she was seeing beside you? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 On the bright side, she's dating and having sex with you for the past few months. Either she likes you a lot more than that guy, or you're a lot better in bed - or both. Think of it this way: she has a basis for comparison, and picked you. I'd rather be someone's informed choice, than their last resort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sara1989 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Perhaps she was frustrated that you hadn't made a move, and was horny. Did she make the first move to have sex with you? Or did you finally act on the urge the first time? It may be this. If a guy I was dating had not made a move and only kissed me once, I put him in the friend zone and assume we were not exclusive. She obviously liked you though and told you afterwards, but your lack of initiation may of pushed her away at that moment in time. I would let it go and move on with the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I started dating a girl and it been a couple months and I think I really love her but every once in a while I think about how it started and it really bothers me and upsets me. So I had been coming over to her house and sleeping with her (not sex just sleep) every other weekend and we talked all the time and we had kissed once. Then I go over to her house and find out that the day before she had just had sex with someone else. We had sex that night and we started dating after then but it really bothers me that our relationship started like that. Why did she do it when i was coming over all the time and talking to her and liked her and kissed her. Did she not care how i felt, she said she didnt want me to find out but i did. This is all new to me and i understand she loves me too and i know a one night stand doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with me and that i shouldn't trust her, i just want to talk about it and hear what people say. Thank you She did it because coming to her house, watching tv, kissing and sleeping doesn't constitute an exclusive relationship, especially if absolutely no conversation had taken place regarding what either of you expected out of the other. I'm curious, though: how did you find out? If you feel you can't trust her (actually, there is no basis for this since you and she weren't in a relationship at the time and she was free to sleep with whomever she wanted), then stop dealing with her. You do have some agency in this--you don't have to be with her, so don't be with her. It's really that simple. Quit letting your hurt feelings make this more difficult than it is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I rarely had the 'exclusivity' talk as it seemed obvious to me that several months into the relationship I would not be fine at all with my GF sleeping with other men. I got it, they didnt break any law, but its surely a sketchy way to start off a healthy relationship.. if the OP and it only matters to him think of this as cheating, I would move on. Now, now. I am quite capable of forgiving, for a good reason. Im also curious to know how you find out? A used condom in her trash? I assume she didnt tell you bluntly? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I believe this to be a combination of a lack of boundaries and poor taste on the part of the gf. Seriously, I don't know how old you two are, but for some people, well-defined boundaries are needed. She probably thought that you two were not exclusive. You went to her place and slept with her w/o sex. Not sure what she was thinking, but she may have thought that since you had not made any attempt to vocalize what your relationship was that she was still free to sleep with other guys. The alternative is that she is promiscuous and not loyal to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 If it is going to erode the foundations of your relationship & how you see her, it's best to end this. Unless you can build a time machine your choices are: get over it or break up. Neither is ideal but it's not healthy for you to dwell on it. She never should have given you that level of detail because now you can't in-hear it & it will probably always bother you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Dude this IS a problem. First off you are not 12, you are an adult, why were you having sexless sleep overs? You never sleep over unless sex is on the table. Secondly who does that? lets a guy sleep in her bed and in the same breath has a ONS. Get rid of her. She has no integrity or respect for a relationship. You'd be a damn fool if you don't see this as a dealbreaker. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 The kind of woman who has sex with 2 different guys in a 24 hour period of time is not the kind of woman I want a long term relationship with. It's a dealbreaker for me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Guys tend not to go to women's houses and talk to them all the time and kiss them and sleep in their bed with them (without sex), if they aren't interested in a relationship. I know the "we were not exclusive" card gives her an out, but come on, it wasn't exactly a nice thing for her to do. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 (edited) Pfffft. And he's well within his rights to feel the way he feels. She may not have broken any laws, but that doesn't mean he's obliged to think of it as acceptable behavior. I don't blame him one bit. He will never be able to unknow what he knows, and it is indicative of character and suitability. Sorry OP. You have to listen to your instincts and make the choice that feels congruent to you. Exactly!!! Lol @ the "We've been dating/sleeping together for two months and they slept with someone else" "Well if you didn't have the exclusive convo it doesn't matter!!!!!" You don't need to sign on the dotted line not to sleep around. Edited November 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Run! I briefly dated a woman who pulled a similar thing on me(we were dating, and she had some other guy over to her house for a roll in the hay that I didn't know about.) I only discovered it when she blurted it out the night I was about to leave for a 4 day trip. Her reasoning for dropping the dime at that time was that she figured if I was gone for 4 days I would OBVIOUSLY be looking for someone to hookup with. I never waited around to find out whether she was just saying that to get me upset or that she really did it. She showed me who she was, I believed her and I left her house that night and never came back. Oh and i never bothered to tell her i didn't want to see her anymore. I let her figure it out by m absence. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Williamjacob Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 With my prior meltdowns in women, and you have someone who had sex before you came over to her the night before right. But dude she can do whatever she wants. I wouldn't go near or be with such a woman. She can do that anytime with you not around too. Link to post Share on other sites
KBob Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 I started dating a girl and it been a couple months and I think I really love her but every once in a while I think about how it started and it really bothers me and upsets me. So I had been coming over to her house and sleeping with her (not sex just sleep) every other weekend and we talked all the time and we had kissed once. Then I go over to her house and find out that the day before she had just had sex with someone else. We had sex that night and we started dating after then but it really bothers me that our relationship started like that. Why did she do it when i was coming over all the time and talking to her and liked her and kissed her. Did she not care how i felt, she said she didnt want me to find out but i did. This is all new to me and i understand she loves me too and i know a one night stand doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with me and that i shouldn't trust her, i just want to talk about it and hear what people say. Thank you I'm confused as to the timeline. This happened when you first started dating (ie before you had sex) or later on? If it's before you had sex and within a date or two then she's free to do what she wants, but if it happened after the relationship was established then definitely dump her. And I'm with kendahke in asking how you found out, because that also matters. Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Pfffft. And he's well within his rights to feel the way he feels. She may not have broken any laws, but that doesn't mean he's obliged to think of it as acceptable behavior. I don't blame him one bit. He will never be able to unknow what he knows, and it is indicative of character and suitability. Sorry OP. You have to listen to your instincts and make the choice that feels congruent to you. Yes!! Sooo true. I wish I could upvote this a million times!!! Idk, but if I have the "thing" going on with a guy and were are getting to that point where we are about to get serious, then I don't a flying **** if were weren't technically official the night before, it would be a deal breaker for me, especially if that person was their ex (red flag). I would be livid! Relationships are about feelings. People end relationships for a ton of reasons, because at the end of the day they feel their partner is not working for them. Before you knew this information, your feelings made it so that you were okay with the relationship, and now your gut is telling you your not. Now you have to choose if it is okay to work through these feelings or end your relationship with this girl. I wish you luck OP. I know many people are taking her side saying, "she didn't do anything wrong (technically)", but at the end of the day, you are the one in the relationship so your feelings are what matters. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HiCrunchy Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Dude this IS a problem. First off you are not 12, you are an adult, why were you having sexless sleep overs? You never sleep over unless sex is on the table. Secondly who does that? lets a guy sleep in her bed and in the same breath has a ONS. Get rid of her. She has no integrity or respect for a relationship. You'd be a damn fool if you don't see this as a dealbreaker. That is not okay, no need to be rude. People can have sex when they feel like and shouldn't be called "12 year olds" for not doing so. The boundaries of a relationship are set by the people in them and it is not okay to judge those boundaries. If OP wants to have a sexless sleepover with a girl he likes, then it is well within his right to do so. Personally I am not sure why he would do that but whatever floats his boat. Besides that, I agree with you. He should drop her like the next hottest disk track. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Exactly!!! Lol @ the "We've been dating/sleeping together for two months and they slept with someone else" "Well if you didn't have the exclusive convo it doesn't matter!!!!!" You don't need to sign on the dotted line not to sleep around. She didn't sleep with someone else after they were sleeping together for a couple of months. She did it before they were sleeping together (as in having sex) At that point it sounded like the whole thing was pretty much platonic. If I've gone on dates and haven't at leased passionately kissed the girl, I wouldn't have any case getting pissed off if she was with someone else. I too want to ask, op how did you find out? Also, how did you end up having sex that night (given all the platonic sleep overs previously)? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 She did it before they were sleeping together (as in having sex). At that point it sounded like the whole thing was pretty much platonic. Oh come on, we're not lawyers arguing a case in front of a judge. Yes technically they hadn't had sex yet, but let's review the facts. He was sleeping round every weekend. They kissed. But more importantly: "Then I go over to her house and find out that the day before she had just had sex with someone else. We had sex that night" This clearly wasn't platonic. You don't go from platonic to starting a relationship in a single day. These things develop over time, and that development was clearly already happening. The sex they had that night didn't just come out of the blue. I'm sure both parties knew where things were leading. Whether or not it's okay is down to the OP. But let's not pretend the situation is something it wasn't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 (edited) "Then I go over to her house and find out that the day before she had just had sex with someone else. We had sex that night" That was just some nasty sloppy seconds there. He finds out she slept with another guy (I'd still like to know how he found this out) and then he decides this is the night to dive in, too? Something is totally suspect with this story. Yes technically they hadn't had sex yet, but let's review the facts. He was sleeping round every weekend. They kissed. And that is not a contract on anything. He wasn't owed. He assumed one thing and got burned. Edited November 13, 2017 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
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