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Brocode violation?


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Old 9th November 2017, 11:47 AM   #1
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Brocode violation?

I met T about 2 weeks ago when my cousin dropped by at my place along with her. I was instantly attracted to her and as the night went on, we spoke a lot and we both enjoyed each other's company. Since then we've been texting every other day and last night I could tell she would say yes if I asked her out. But I didn't and all I said was that we need to "hang out sometime". Generally, I'm not so opaque when it comes to meeting women but I wasn't sure if it was the right thing. After all, my cousin did introduce me to her. Do you think I need to ask my cousin if he's ok with me taking her out? A little information about their relationship; they met a couple of days prior to meeting me at an office conference and on the day we met, she clearly stated that they were just friends. My cousin does think she's cute though.
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:58 AM   #2
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While women may have rules of engagement about friends/family members and dating, IME guys are not so encumbered. My problem when your age was paying too much attention to the women's version of their rules and not enough to what successful males were doing in the mating marketplace.

If your cousin and the lady are not in a relationship, IMO go for it. If cousin had an interest and didn't act on it, too bad so sad, spoils go to the winner and the world, and women, love winners. Winners get to propagate their genes. I'm speaking of winning in the mating sense and respecting the old adage of all's fair in love and war.

The worst that could happen is the lady rejects you and/or cousin hates you. Oh, well, two humans of billions. You'll find yourself with a lot more haters when you get old. That's life. Up to you.
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Old 9th November 2017, 12:04 PM   #3
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I think you should give your cousin the heads up first, just in case he is interested in her and still courting her while she's going out with you.
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Old 9th November 2017, 12:12 PM   #4
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I keep thinking how I would react if the roles were reversed. If I liked someone a lot and if my cousin asked her out I would be pissed, but if I thought she was just cute and nothing else then it wouldn't bother me.
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Old 9th November 2017, 12:38 PM   #5
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So, has this cousin had your back in life, consoled you in times of strife or loss, celebrated your successes and achievements? Or, is he merely the son of a related family member? If he wasn't your cousin, rather some guy you knew who introduced you to a lady or a person you met the lady through, would it matter?

My best advice as an older man who played the rules game and was way too considerate of the feelings of others is, well, there is no reward in life for that so if you make the choice to refrain, don't expect anything good to come of it. It is what it is. When another guy got with another woman I was interested in, do you really think they cared if I was pissed? My existence didn't even matter to them. Getting with the lady is what mattered to them. Mating with her. Other males are simply competitors. Most of the time, fortunately, competition is peaceful. Yeah, feelings get hurt but males know how to stuff feelings down and continue to compete. Get tough or lose. That's life.
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Old 9th November 2017, 12:59 PM   #6
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I would mention it... but not ask for permission.

If he is mad, and mentions being interested in her, you can bring up the fact, that thinks their relationship is totally platonic, so if he is trying to get with her, she's oblivious to it.
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Old 9th November 2017, 1:05 PM   #7
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Hey carhill,

I appreciate the responses. He has never consoled me during my low spells but that's because I generally try to suppress emotional pain and I've never given him an opportunity to be supportive. I'm sure if I ever needed him he'd have my back. He's definitely not some guy I just happened to be related to. We've been hanging out frequently for the last 17 years! It is an important relationship to me.
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Old 9th November 2017, 1:14 PM   #8
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My advice is that there are too many fish in the sea to risk potential unnecessary drama over some possible romantic interlude.

Many people will say Go for it, and i understand that.

I would caution that you should keep in mind that while you may be interested in this chick, and even date her for a period of time, that your cousin will remain your cousin for the rest of your life.

I would not even consider such an adventure, but, if after weighing the risk/reward ratio, if you feel you can handle any hiccup in your relationship with your cousin, then the only way you will ever find out is to press forward.

So please do yourself a favor and think real hard about it before you follow up with her.
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Old 9th November 2017, 1:16 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FilterCoffee View Post
Hey carhill,

I appreciate the responses. He has never consoled me during my low spells but that's because I generally try to suppress emotional pain and I've never given him an opportunity to be supportive. I'm sure if I ever needed him he'd have my back. He's definitely not some guy I just happened to be related to. We've been hanging out frequently for the last 17 years! It is an important relationship to me.
Which is why you better think real hard about it.
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Old 9th November 2017, 1:24 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FilterCoffee View Post
Hey carhill,

I appreciate the responses. He has never consoled me during my low spells but that's because I generally try to suppress emotional pain and I've never given him an opportunity to be supportive. I'm sure if I ever needed him he'd have my back. He's definitely not some guy I just happened to be related to.
We've been hanging out frequently for the last 17 years!
It is an important relationship to me.
Then do not let some girl come between you.
You have already gone too far by texting her every second day, IF she is someone he is very interested in.
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Old 9th November 2017, 1:25 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FilterCoffee View Post
Hey carhill,

I appreciate the responses. He has never consoled me during my low spells but that's because I generally try to suppress emotional pain and I've never given him an opportunity to be supportive. I'm sure if I ever needed him he'd have my back. He's definitely not some guy I just happened to be related to. We've been hanging out frequently for the last 17 years! It is an important relationship to me.
Then ask the lady on a date and settle things. If she wants to date you and not him, that's her choice and prerogative, just the same as the reverse. He knew her before you did, apparently, and if he wanted to date her he'd have already asked her on a date and, if she said yes, she'd have been introduced to you as his partner or date. That's not the case.

I like the advice of another member to be direct and not ask permission. That shows assertiveness. It's clear, unambiguous and gives respectful notice which reflects your 17 year association. It also sets the tone for his being clear and unambiguous about any interest he might have.

Example:

"I find xxx attractive and I'm going to ask her out on a date. I'm so glad you introduced her to me"

Listen to the response. Go from there. If both of you are interested, well, let the best man win
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Old 9th November 2017, 1:25 PM   #12
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I would just talk to him about this girl, and steer the conversation towards dating and his own intentions with her. Then depending on how that goes, ask if he doesn't mind if you take a shot
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Old 9th November 2017, 4:29 PM   #13
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As an older guy I would give exactly the opposite advice. Unless you don't value your relationship with your cousin, forget about this girl. Or, if for some reason she is magically special, then talk to your cousin about it.

There are millions of available women in the world, why piss off an important relative (and friend) over one?
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Old 9th November 2017, 5:09 PM   #14
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OP, I overlooked one important factor, culture. What is the cultural tradition in your country?

As example, since you list India as your location, are you/your family/social circle more an arranged marriage and mating culture or more love-based mating and marriage? The dynamics vary widely. If the former, I could see very rigid rules and customs regarding interaction with women, essentially the family selecting who marries whom. In that case, the families of yourself, your cousin and the lady involved would have input that would supersede your personal preferences, yes?
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Old 9th November 2017, 5:14 PM   #15
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Blood is thicker than water...

If he really digs her and you move in, chances are he will feel a bit hurt.
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