My boyfriend's friendship with his old crush - should I be worried?

[thrwyaus]

My boyfriend (call him Don) and I have been together for around two months now, although we've been friends since middle school (we're all seniors in high school now). Our relationship has been pretty great so far given the circumstances - he's really sweet to me, we talk and have a blast online every night, we visit each other every weekend, and we have everything we had from our friendship plus warm fuzzies. The only problem: he's still pretty close friends with his crush from last year, Mark.

 

Here's the gist of the timeline:

Freshman year: I move away from the area, and our friendship fades due to the new distance.

Sophomore year: Don dates some guy. It doesn't work out, they hate each other's guts now. Whatever.

Junior year: Don meets Mark, and develops a huge crush on him. Don asks Mark out, and finds out that Mark has a boyfriend. They go on to become close friends, while Mark breaks up with his boyfriend and later gets together with someone else. Seems like the Don+Mark ship has sailed.

Senior year: Don and I become close again. I develop a huge crush on him, which I end up confessing to him shortly (a few days) after he tells me how much he's still not over being rejected by Mark. Don tells me he's always thought of me as a friend, but the next day he changes his mind to "maybe." Now we're together, say "I love you"s every day, etc.

 

Like I said, everything is going pretty great, but Don's relationship with Mark does bother me a bit. I told him about it, and he told me that being with me has made him realize that he doesn't want to be with someone as "emotional" as Mark. I ended up bringing up my general anxiety about our relationship again later, and he told me that he actually began developing feelings for me back in 9th grade, when he first began to question his sexuality, and that he's been looking forward to this for a long time. And then he dropped the "L" bomb.

 

This really confuses me. On one hand, it's possible that he was genuinely confused about his feelings back then, and that they were never really given the opportunity to property develop due to our distance later, leading to his ambivalence at the very beginning of our relationship. On the other hand, well... this all just gives me a bad feeling that he's just not that into me, despite his words and actions within our relationship clearly stating otherwise.

 

I really don't know how to feel. On one hand, I'm certain that Don doesn't spend any time in person with Mark other than when they catch each other for a few minutes going in and out of the college one or two days a week. I'm also pretty sure that they don't even text outside of the group chat we have together, since we all catch each other up on our days and stuff nightly.

 

On the other hand, though, I'm not sure that I really buy that he's over him. We've agreed to keep the relationship on the down low since our families wouldn't exactly be supportive of our sexuality, but he also doesn't want to tell our friends about it just yet because he says he's nervous. Not even Mark - another gay man! He's told one person about us, and that's one of his childhood friends from our group. I could just be worrying about nothing, though - he also kept his relationship with the guy sophomore year a secret, with them masquerading as close friends just as we are right now.

 

If it's any relevance, Mark considers Don his best friend, although Don seemed to be taken by surprise when he said that. Don's told me previously that I'm his best friend (in a romantic context, of course). I'm probably just nitpicking here.

 

Edit: I should also note that there is just about zero doubt in my mind that he's into me physically/sexually, although I'm not sure exactly how relevant that is, and there's always that lingering dread that this whole thing is a just a super elaborate lie.

 

Yeah. That's about it. Should I be concerned about Don's friendship with Mark, or my relationship with Don?

Edited November 6, 2017 by thrwyaus

[darkmoon]

sorry, but if you are being kept secret at college (not home, ok) something is amiss, unless he said he loves though, you have little agency, and maybe must wait, takes time for love to blossom

[d0nnivain]

At your ages people change partners faster than some people change their socks. There is always a shiny new relationship to be explored.

 

I'm sorry that you both feel you have to keep the relationship on the DL because your families won't approve of your sexual orientation. That is probably adding to your anxiety but you can't out your BF without his permission.

 

Do keep your eyes on Mark & his interactions with Don. Make sure Mark knows you & Don are together. Hopefully he & Don both have enough integrity to respect your relationship / not cheat. Do not whine, beg or let your insecurities show. That is just unattractive & if you constantly pester Don about Mark you will send him straight into Mark's arms.

 

For now, enjoy college & try to find yourself people who are more accepting of who you are.