why are my standards so low?

[GoodnessMe]

 

So, the latest guy I've gotten hung up on is 39 (same age as me). I don't want to bore you with a whole essay, so I'll just outline the details as briefly as possible.

 

1. He is a former crack dealer

 

2. He uses cocaine

 

3. He has smoked crack in the past and possibly still does

 

4. He smokes weed every day

 

5. He is homeless. He runs a store and sleeps in the store at night. He has to go to a gym nearby to take a shower. Several times a week he stays at his mother's house. He gave up his apartment to invest money into his store

 

6. He does not understand basic words. For instance he did not know what the words 'extrovert' or 'introvert' or 'tactile' meant. When I explained the meanings of the words, he wasn't able to understand

 

7. He considers himself enormously intelligent and says that his talent and intelligence is so advanced that most "normal" people can't understand him

 

8. He thinks that human beings shouldn't have basic rights (like the right to vote, the right to legal process, the right to marry who they want etc). He thinks that rights are "everything that is wrong with the world).

 

9. When asked about exclusivity he said he's not having sex with anyone else because none of the other women in his life have agreed to engage in sex with him

 

10. He makes the weirdest and most random comments that are borderline insulting. When he first entered my apartment, he looked around, said I had a great place. Then he looked around some more and asked "was the furniture here when you moved in?" I said "of course not." He then said "nice furniture" and asked "how did you manage to get it?"

 

11. Inexplicably he looked at my bed (which is a perfectly normal bed) and started mumbling "bed bugs, bed bugs."

 

12. He has no short-term memory at all presumably due to the heavy weed usage. Like he honestly could not remember how we met or where we went last week on a date.

 

13. Once he simply forgot to call to confirm a date and didn't show up. When I said "weren't we supposed to be going out yesterday?" he replied: "oops. Was we?"

 

14. He always says "was we?" instead of "were we?" etc.

 

That's barely the tip of the iceberg.

 

I am really depressed about the fact that I have allowed this.

[smackie9]

I guess if you read what you wrote a few more times, it will sink in that you need to make better choices in your life. You have to start somewhere....

[Cookiesandough]

is he hot though

[GoodnessMe]

is he hot though

 

 

I wouldn't say conventionally good looking. But sexy AF.

 

I've not had sex with him.

[smackie9]

Good sounds like you haven't invested enough..... get out of this and move on.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ugh. You are frustrated and desperate for companionship. Ominous combination....get away from this.

[OatsAndHall]

I am hoping that you'll be able to answer the question for yourself after typing all of that out...

[GoodnessMe]

I forgot to add:

 

Had his cellphones (for work and personal use) both cut off for non payment. He can now only be contacted via the landline in his shop which has a call screening thing on it where you have to announce your name before he will pick up. Even if he does pick up but doesn't recognise your voice or number he will then pretend it's not him until he realises who you are.

 

He insists that all of this is completely normal.

[Gaeta]

What was your father like?

[GoodnessMe]

I am hoping that you'll be able to answer the question for yourself after typing all of that out...

 

I'm seeing a therapist next week

[GoodnessMe]

What was your father like?

 

 

completely absent and irresponsible waste of space. Although he was married to my mother when I was conceived I don't think I ever met him. He even tried to claim I wasn't his child. He's dead now. Never did meet him.

 

Not too long ago a man three years younger tracked me down and I found out he is my brother. Same father. Our 'father' had been equally irresponsible towards this brother of mine. He had only met him once when our 'father' agreed to spend 30 minutes with him, bought him a bag of french fries and had a quick chat, never to be seen again.

[TheWoman]

He sounds troubled. Is there a good reason why you are putting him down on forums instead of just moving on? I dont understand.

[lovephule]

At least he's enterprising.

[GoodnessMe]

He sounds troubled. Is there a good reason why you are putting him down on forums instead of just moving on? I dont understand.

 

as far as I am aware I have only mentioned him on the one forum, not forums in the plural. It's not about 'putting him down' either. It's about me trying to figure out why I'm allowing stuff like this.

 

Are you him?

[GoodnessMe]

At least he's enterprising.

 

lol I guess!

[Gaeta]

completely absent and irresponsible waste of space. Although he was married to my mother when I was conceived I don't think I ever met him. He even tried to claim I wasn't his child. He's dead now. Never did meet him.

 

Not too long ago a man three years younger tracked me down and I found out he is my brother. Same father. Our 'father' had been equally irresponsible towards this brother of mine. He had only met him once when our 'father' agreed to spend 30 minutes with him, bought him a bag of french fries and had a quick chat, never to be seen again.

 

So looks like you're attracted toward the same type of men your father was.

[RecentChange]

Glad you are seeking counseling.

 

Often this stuff stems from deep seated feelings of inadequacy, that you don't deserve better, a lack of self love etc.

 

A counselor can help you recognize your self sabatoging behavior and give you tools to make better choices for yourself.

 

You have to believe, at you core you deserve better. Until you do, you will make poor choices for yourself and then wonder why you choose those things.

[GoodnessMe]

So looks like you're attracted toward the same type of men your father was.

 

It's hard to say. All I know about my father is that he was absent and was presumably an *******.

[GoodnessMe]

Glad you are seeking counseling.

 

Often this stuff stems from deep seated feelings of inadequacy, that you don't deserve better, a lack of self love etc.

 

A counselor can help you recognize your self sabatoging behavior and give you tools to make better choices for yourself.

 

You have to believe, at you core you deserve better. Until you do, you will make poor choices for yourself and then wonder why you choose those things.

 

I've had therapy in the past but there are clearly still issues I need to work on. It has reached a point where I can't even introduce the men I date to my friends because they would be so shocked.

[Space Ritual]

 

So, the latest guy I've gotten hung up on is 39 (same age as me). I don't want to bore you with a whole essay, so I'll just outline the details as briefly as possible.

 

1. He is a former crack dealer

 

2. He uses cocaine

 

3. He has smoked crack in the past and possibly still does

 

4. He smokes weed every day

 

5. He is homeless. He runs a store and sleeps in the store at night. He has to go to a gym nearby to take a shower. Several times a week he stays at his mother's house. He gave up his apartment to invest money into his store

 

6. He does not understand basic words. For instance he did not know what the words 'extrovert' or 'introvert' or 'tactile' meant. When I explained the meanings of the words, he wasn't able to understand

 

7. He considers himself enormously intelligent and says that his talent and intelligence is so advanced that most "normal" people can't understand him

 

8. He thinks that human beings shouldn't have basic rights (like the right to vote, the right to legal process, the right to marry who they want etc). He thinks that rights are "everything that is wrong with the world).

 

9. When asked about exclusivity he said he's not having sex with anyone else because none of the other women in his life have agreed to engage in sex with him

 

10. He makes the weirdest and most random comments that are borderline insulting. When he first entered my apartment, he looked around, said I had a great place. Then he looked around some more and asked "was the furniture here when you moved in?" I said "of course not." He then said "nice furniture" and asked "how did you manage to get it?"

 

11. Inexplicably he looked at my bed (which is a perfectly normal bed) and started mumbling "bed bugs, bed bugs."

 

12. He has no short-term memory at all presumably due to the heavy weed usage. Like he honestly could not remember how we met or where we went last week on a date.

 

13. Once he simply forgot to call to confirm a date and didn't show up. When I said "weren't we supposed to be going out yesterday?" he replied: "oops. Was we?"

 

14. He always says "was we?" instead of "were we?" etc.

 

That's barely the tip of the iceberg.

 

I am really depressed about the fact that I have allowed this.

 

Number 7 is pretty indicative of addicts. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic with over 20 years clean and sober.

 

I used to live by Number 7. I always thought I was the brightest bulb in the room.especially when i was smoking Crack. Which I did for many years before i got my head straight.

 

Sadly for you, he could be the greatest guy in the world, and you would simply take a backseat to his desires each and every time. And that desire is coke.

 

 

The biggest favor you could ever do for him is to get away from him and allow him to hit rock bottom. You can care for him by letting him go. Because all his behaviors show that he has yet to really suffer the worst of consequences for his actions. And he will never have a shot of changing until some real life consequences are suffered. I was also homeless at one time in my life. It did not impede my narcotic intake one bit.

 

Please understand that as much as you like him, you Need to Detatch

 

Don't

Even

Think

About

Trying to

Change

Him.

 

You are not his parent or babysitter. Allowing him to remain in this condition in your life is only delaying the obvious.

[Gaeta]

It's hard to say. All I know about my father is that he was absent and was presumably an *******.

 

The man you've described to us is an ****** as well. You think that's the type of man to take his responsibilities? and the type of man to stick around? no, so he's like your father. You have not known your father but you know he didn't stick around and he didn't take his responsibilities. Here you are repeating the cycle.

[stillafool]

OP, maybe you should just take a break from dating until you can raise your self esteem.

[GoodnessMe]

Number 7 is pretty indicative of addicts. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic with over 20 years clean and sober.

 

I used to live by Number 7. I always thought I was the brightest bulb in the room.especially when i was smoking Crack. Which I did for many years before i got my head straight.

 

Sadly for you, he could be the greatest guy in the world, and you would simply take a backseat to his desires each and every time. And that desire is coke.

 

 

The biggest favor you could ever do for him is to get away from him and allow him to hit rock bottom. You can care for him by letting him go. Because all his behaviors show that he has yet to really suffer the worst of consequences for his actions. And he will never have a shot of changing until some real life consequences are suffered. I was also homeless at one time in my life. It did not impede my narcotic intake one bit.

 

Please understand that as much as you like him, you Need to Detatch

 

Don't

Even

Think

About

Trying to

Change

Him.

 

You are not his parent or babysitter. Allowing him to remain in this condition in your life is only delaying the obvious.

 

Thank you very much for your post. I realise I was glossing over the issues more and more every day until I was living in a sort of twilight zone. That's when I reached out and made an appointment with a therapist. I was just making excuse after excuse for him.

 

The other day he asked me how long it had been since we've seen each other. It was about 2 weeks. I said, "it was just over a year ago when I last saw you." He is so addled by drugs that for a while he thought he seriously had not seen me for one year.

[GoodnessMe]

OP, maybe you should just take a break from dating until you can raise your self esteem.

 

 

I already took a 5 year break from dating. Being completely out of the dating pool actually kept me from realising just how much more healing work I need to do.

[lovephule]

What standards do you have? What could he do (or fail to do) that would make you hit the eject button?