LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

How do I fix my relationship?


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Like Tree9Likes
  • 3 Post By Gaeta
  • 1 Post By LovelyLadyLove
  • 1 Post By Zahara
  • 2 Post By Gaeta
  • 2 Post By coolheadal
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 5th October 2017, 7:23 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 7
How do I fix my relationship?

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over a year. Lately I’ve been distant with him and in deep reflection of how the past year has been. To state the positives first, he can be very generous when he has money, he will always help his friends and family when he can. I love his friends and family and we all get along. He’s funny and thinks I’m funny, and generally we have a good friendship when times are lite and we have many same interests. He’s handy and will help me when I ask.

But we’ve already had our share of extreme lows and I’m beginning to lose hope and attraction towards him. I’m feeling resentful and I don’t know how to forgive. He has a daughter which has been a very big learning experience for me. I don’t have children and have never been around them for extended periods of time until I met him. Building a relationship with a new partner’s child is challenging. It’s hard on the child as they see their parent with someone new, I understand this and I have worked very hard to build a relationship with her. I often feel like I’m an outsider when I’m with them. For the first half of our relationship I spent the nights we stayed together (we were living in different cities) sleeping on a couch or some other uncomfortable places including my truck once as he insisted that he needed to sleep with his daughter. His daughter is 6 and has a hard time sleeping alone as both parents have always allowed her to sleep in their beds. I could accept that, but I at least deserved a comfortable bed I felt. I’m used to being number one in my relationships, and in this relationship I felt far from that position. It was hard to sleep away from my partner, and to be honest I hated it, but it was a sacrifice I chose to make for them because I loved him.

Although I’ve always been kind to his daughter and worked hard to build a relationship with her, I feel that anything I do is not enough. He even got upset with me because I enjoy sleeping a little later in the mornings as I don’t start work until later in the day, so they would often get up before me. And because I prefer not to talk much mornings and I’m quit for an hour or so after waking, that this was damaging for his daughter. We purchased an acreage near the lake, he had an RV that we were living in on the property for the summer. During an argument he told me that his daughter was not comfortable with me being in his home and that there’s not enough room in his RV for me and my negative energy, which he told me was our distance towards each other after fights and me being quiet in the morning, was effecting his daughter so I had to leave their home. This was extremely heartbreaking for me as I had to use my credit and savings to purchase this acreage and then I also now had to come up with another $2000 to purchase my own RV as I was not welcomed in their home. I was completely heartbroken and hurt to my core. I couldn’t believe someone would ever tell me that they didn’t want me around their child. I felt like I was made out to be some kind of villain. And I never really got over this. As soon as I had my RV set up, his daughter was over in my place everyday hanging out with me. She even said in front of both of us that she didn’t want me to be out of their RV. I feel that he only did and said all of this to hurt me. In fact, I feel he often uses his “concern for his daughter” to hurt me.

I had surgery on my appendix about a year ago and made a wrong choice to stay with him in a different city where he was working to recover. I thought instead of being alone at my house, this would be a good decision. I felt neglected, he offered minimum affection and support and told me I wasn’t handling the pain well. I asked for a back rub but was denied. I felt so alone and sad those 2 weeks, being in pain and discomfort with little support, feeling like a burden. This is hard to forget. I was so happy to return home and see my friends and family.

But the most recent incident is what has really turned me off. He confessed to me that 2 weeks before we hooked up, he slept with a woman (our friend’s ex, not sure if he even knows) and later she phoned him to tell him she was pregnant. For months until they were able to do a paternity test and confirm
It was not his child, he thought he may be the father of this baby. He said nothing to me about it, even though we were officially dating. I was very hurt and upset by this. One, because he told me when we met that he hadn’t been with a woman in a year, lie. Two, I felt I should have had a choice in what I would have liked to do in that situation. Instead he was dishonest and hid it from me. He confessed this to me when we were drinking and when the words were coming out of his mouth, I felt like I went into shock. Like I was beside myself. But the alcohol eased the impact, so I was able to keep my cool. The next morning I woke up and remembered it all, and felt really upset. When I kindly told him I was upset and needed to talk about this, he gave me a very angry look and told me I need to get over and he didn’t want to discuss it.

Now here’s what I believe to be the real issue, there’s no resolution to any of our conflicts. He does something hurtful, I get hurt, I want to talk about he, he doesn’t validate my feelings or show empathy, he just tells me I’m over sensitive and over reacting and to get over it. We end of fighting for days, I feel angry because I don’t feel heard and he shows no concern for how he’s has hurt me. Some how in the end, I end up making the heart felt apologies and don’t receive one in return. I feel like if he really loved me, he would want to ease my pain, take responsibilities for himself and make me feel better. But it just ends up with him not being understanding, diverting from the issue to tell me how horrible I am to deal with and me apologizing or doing the work to end the fighting. In the end I still feel sad, and I’m obviously having a hard time forgiving. Then I start to wonder if maybe I am the problem and I second guess myself and wonder if he’s right, that I’m just oversensitive. These are the big issues, he’s also has flirted inappropriately with other women in front of me, and constantly makes comments about now hot, beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, etc other women are in front of me as well. He even told me a story about his ex wife’s breasts bouncing around when they were on the boat. In fact I had to hear stories about his ex wife on a consistent bases for the first few months of our relationship until I asked him to stop, which he also thought was an unreasonable request. He doesn’t see his talking about other women as something disrespectful or wrong, he thinks I’m just insecure. And it doesn’t help that he compliments me quite rarely. I tell him he’s handsome for more than he ever tells me I’m beautiful. Sometimes I wonder if he’s really all that attracted to me.

Just another example of an incident that was embarrassing for me. The first time he asked me to go to a wedding with him, he asked if I would meet him. I asked him to be a gentleman and come pick me up. He also told me I should take money out for drinks if I wanted to have them. He didn’t buy me a drink until his sister told him how horrible he was treating me. I had taken him to my friend’s wedding long before this, and I paid for the hotel room and all the drinks. I could never imagine treating a date the way he treated me.

It’s been 2 weeks since he told me about this pregnancy scare, and I think I’ve reached my threshold, and I don’t know how much more pain and disrespect I can take. I need advice or guidance on what to do next. I’m starting to lose interest and attraction. I’m trying so hard to made it work. Am I crazy, Can I ever forgive, an I’m really over sensitive? Can I fix this? Do I need to be better at forgiving? Ugh. Please help.

Last edited by LovelyLadyLove; 5th October 2017 at 7:35 PM..
LovelyLadyLove is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th October 2017, 8:39 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Gaeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 14,611
Oh my god, honey, there is nothing to fix. This man has been nothing but a monster to you. You should have broken up a long time ago.

This is it, end it now. I can't beleive you stayed in this relationship after he told you to leave his home an RV. I can't even wrap my mind around WHY in the world you bought your own RV and continued being his gf. It's mind bogging to me. As for everything else it's just aweful, this man doesn't even like you.
__________________
'' The Biggest Coward Is A Man Who Awakens A Woman's Love With No Intention Of Loving Her '' - Bob Marley
Gaeta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 11:51 AM   #3
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 7
Thanks for your feedback. I feel the same way that I should have left by now, and Iím constantly questioning whatís keeping me in this relationship. I really love his family, his sister has become my best friend. His dad is amazing, we have a great friendship as well. I think this might be the glue holding us together. And my boyfriend and I do have fun together. I just keep hoping and praying heíll change, and Iím old enough and experienced enough to know that most of the time people donít change. I just so badly want it to work. Itís so frustrating.
LovelyLadyLove is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 12:08 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 649
Just reading that I felt so alone imagining being in your shoes.

You sound like a lovely person, and many mean abusive people will take advantage of your tolerance and kindness.

Absolutely walk away and never look back!
olivetree is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 12:42 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 8,215
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyLadyLove View Post
Iím trying so hard to made it work. Am I crazy, Can I ever forgive, an Iím really over sensitive? Can I fix this? Do I need to be better at forgiving? Ugh. Please help.
Oh no, there is no making this work. Don't even try to fix this. It's dead.

It would be good for you to start seeing a therapist because what you've endured and allowed yourself to be put through isn't healthy.

You're dealing with someone that is very narcissistic. His behavior is never going to change no matter what you do.

This has nothing to do with forgiving but realizing that you deserve better and that you need to work on your self-esteem.
Gaeta likes this.
__________________
One regret, my dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough ~ Hafiz
Zahara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 2:36 PM   #6
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 7
Thanks for your kind responses. I also agree seeing a counsellor would be a good idea. Iím always willing to look at myself and make improvements. I just wish heíd be willing to do the same.
LovelyLadyLove is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 2:38 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Gaeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 14,611
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyLadyLove View Post
Thanks for your kind responses. I also agree seeing a counsellor would be a good idea. Iím always willing to look at myself and make improvements. I just wish heíd be willing to do the same.
Sometimes, for some people, counseling wouldn't make a difference, they are just born mean. Which I think is the case of your boyfriend, he's just a narcissist man, there is no medication or therapy for those.
Gaeta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 2:48 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 8,215
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyLadyLove View Post
Thanks for your kind responses. I also agree seeing a counsellor would be a good idea. I’m always willing to look at myself and make improvements. I just wish he’d be willing to do the same.
There are people who can't see past themselves. You've been sticking around hoping he'll change. He can't change if he believes he is doing nothing wrong. His behavior is ingrained.

Stop wishing and expecting. Time to focus on your own behaviors and seek change within yourself -- that change you can control. You have to start believing you deserve more than this.
Zahara is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 3:04 PM   #9
Established Member
 
coolheadal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 3,102
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyLadyLove View Post
Thanks for your kind responses. I also agree seeing a counsellor would be a good idea. Iím always willing to look at myself and make improvements. I just wish heíd be willing to do the same.
Sorry my dear, you have been so neglected (abusive) no respect, an no appreciation by this guy. You have tolerated this to the point of your emotional break down by him controlling you life to the point he's gone off you and fooling around with other women. Your his meal ticket in a sense you are always willing to give and support him and he's not returning that back to you. I can relate about he child, as well I been there too where they need to sleep with the 5 year old and leave you in the bed by yourself. I have to admit I hated that fact. She did the same thing with her child get up early in the morning I wasn't allowed to sleep late, or take naps or even take naps in the SUV while she was driving. She told me if I slept now you can forget about tonight. Wow.. That happen in 2015 for 10 months of that I had enough and walked out on her. It was the right thing to do. You do not need to be with him as his child is his first priority and you come 3rd. All what he did I don't know why you put up with all of this just doesn't add-up. I am not perfect either but I know when it's time to jump ship!In 2017 she emails me saying she was concern about me with Irma storm. I had a chance to tell her off for good. I did that should stop any crazy ideas for her to come back in my life again to be so uncaring about me. I can't see you ever going to be happy with him. You have RV why not drive it away from him! Sell the other half of the land to someone else get part of your money back.
__________________
Age doesn't matter, but Love does matter! Which love it's the magical one "I love you" also I am in love with you" More powerful than anyone age! If you really love that person you are so interested in you would move heavens and mountains to reach them!'
coolheadal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 4:04 PM   #10
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 7
Coolheadal, thanks for sharing your story. I think Iíve stayed around and second guessed myself because heís very convincing that when I get upset about the hurtful things he does, that itís my emotions that are the problem, and I canít get over things easily. Itís gas lighting, I know this. Iím glad I finally wrote this post to help bring clarity to the whole thing.
LovelyLadyLove is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th October 2017, 5:48 PM   #11
Established Member
 
coolheadal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 3,102
Quote:
Originally Posted by LovelyLadyLove View Post
Coolheadal, thanks for sharing your story. I think I’ve stayed around and second guessed myself because he’s very convincing that when I get upset about the hurtful things he does, that it’s my emotions that are the problem, and I can’t get over things easily. It’s gas lighting, I know this. I’m glad I finally wrote this post to help bring clarity to the whole thing.
Your welcome I am glad to share some of my experiences here. But you have to watch it. Just don't let him walk all over you. You stand-up for yourself. At these times it's tough to hold on to something you thought at the time was good. Now it gets stale and your starting to lose that interest. I am lot stronger now than before. Still women can say some hurtful things and I still find it odd they like doing it to boost their ego. Men do this also. I never try to how abuse because to me it's really a dirty move to play. Try not to feel so hurt at times remember your not alone again. He wants to be that way then let him but you don't have to stand for it get up turn around and walk out the door or where ever he is. If he follows you can always take a walk.
coolheadal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th October 2017, 8:47 PM   #12
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 10
Hang in there! Itís hard to let go someone you love. However, take time for you. What do you like to do: read, travel, movies, etc. Time will heal all wounds. In the meantime, enjoy life. Also, consider speaking to a counselor for you. It may be helpful and hopefully he or she can offer suggestions or insight.
Good luck! I wish you all the best.
happyonislands is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Online relationship, is he needy? Encouraging bad relationship behaviors... anya85 Dating 4 6th July 2014 1:08 PM
How important is a good sexual relationship in a relationship?What percentage of sex lindacarnel23 General Relationship Discussion 1 17th October 2011 9:56 PM
Good Loving Relationship > Single and Happy > Bad Unhealthy Relationship Mixed28 Dating 0 12th April 2011 3:50 AM
Talk about your attitude toward your current relationship/non-relationship status tinklebell Dating 90 18th September 2009 12:56 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:41 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.