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Boyfriend and his divorce


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Old 6th October 2017, 1:57 PM   #16
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Some transparency -- more then there is now -- may be warranted but not 100%.


I dated a guy who was in the process of getting divorced. I generally knew they were arguing over the finer points of the property settlement agreement but I never thought I was entitled to the specifics like how much was in somebody's 401k, or how much debt they had.


From the OPs perspective I am having trouble understanding why the subject is causing so many fights. Is the OP concerned that her BF is thinking about reconciling with the EX? Is she uncertain that the complaint was even filed? That is a public record which a quick call to the courthouse will reveal. Is she not being told when court dates are? Or does she really think she's entitled to see the financial disclosures or weigh in on parenting time?
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Old 6th October 2017, 2:04 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Some transparency -- more then there is now -- may be warranted but not 100%.


I dated a guy who was in the process of getting divorced. I generally knew they were arguing over the finer points of the property settlement agreement but I never thought I was entitled to the specifics like how much was in somebody's 401k, or how much debt they had.


From the OPs perspective I am having trouble understanding why the subject is causing so many fights. Is the OP concerned that her BF is thinking about reconciling with the EX? Is she uncertain that the complaint was even filed? That is a public record which a quick call to the courthouse will reveal. Is she not being told when court dates are? Or does she really think she's entitled to see the financial disclosures or weigh in on parenting time?
To my understanding is she doesn't like the fact of him contacting his married wife / separated married wife like he is doing for advice. Thus he must be lying to her about having open communication with her still. This has lead to her and him having fights about it. Or the length of time of going through the divorce. But the kicker here is the wife has the same issue with her boyfriend as well. These people are legally married no matter what title you place on them.
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Old 6th October 2017, 2:20 PM   #18
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Turning to the EX for dating advice does seem stranger on one level but getting divorced or not, there is still history there.


I can understand her being hurt because she asked him not to talk to his W about her but that is what she discovered he's doing. I'm not sure if there are kids but to the extent the new GF is going to be around minor children I think the W / mother is entitled to some info. I actually offered to meet my then BF's STBXW solely so she could develop a comfort level that I was an appropriate person to be around her child & to have him in my car & home.


However the OP was fighting about the divorce before she found out her BF was talking to his STBXW about her. So while those conversations are a concern, they are the cause of the fights.
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Old 6th October 2017, 3:13 PM   #19
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Turning to the EX for dating advice does seem stranger on one level but getting divorced or not, there is still history there.


I can understand her being hurt because she asked him not to talk to his W about her but that is what she discovered he's doing. I'm not sure if there are kids but to the extent the new GF is going to be around minor children I think the W / mother is entitled to some info. I actually offered to meet my then BF's STBXW solely so she could develop a comfort level that I was an appropriate person to be around her child & to have him in my car & home.


However the OP was fighting about the divorce before she found out her BF was talking to his STBXW about her. So while those conversations are a concern, they are the cause of the fights.
True the fights are about the divorce, but right now there is no divorce and he's legally married to his wife and saying they're separated but still the best of friends yet still married to as well. When you date someone like this you are bound to run into all sorts of challenges. I didn't see anything about kids in this story. This is not going to end well for the OP she needs to pull herself together and get out before she ends up even more hurt that she is now!
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Old 6th October 2017, 3:56 PM   #20
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I don't blame you for wanting to be sure he filed for divorce after billing himself as separated, but you can't just keep harping on him if he's now filed. Divorce takes time and it's emotional and they will be having to take care of dividing things up for a long time and financial stuff.

What I would be worried about is he and her are so civil with each other that they can still talk about their respective new lovers without it causing a stink. So that could be interpreted as yes, they're both ready to move on or that their marriage wasn't that bad. You just need to know if either he or her is still wishing they could repair the marriage, and if so, get out of it until it's all settled. I have been through a couple of these and once his divorce is final, if it happens, he will probably not want to be exclusive with anyone before he fishes around anyway
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Old 6th October 2017, 7:09 PM   #21
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If the OP ever returns, she needs to call the county courthouse and ask if he's filed. They'll tell here because it's a public record. All she needs are the names of the two individuals.
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Old 6th October 2017, 7:18 PM   #22
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Don't date a separated men, they are never even close to being over their ex wives. Regardless who ended what, regardless if ex is with someone else.

In case you want to hang in there, you will need to stomach a long period of him still having feelings for her, being angry at her and tons of emotions that won't be directed at you. He is unable to fully invest in you while he is still letting go of someone else.

At the moment, despite what he says, despite all the promises, you are a distraction from pain and loneliness of the divorce.

This is ESPECIALLY true in the cases when the wife cheated and that was the reason for ending the marriage. His ego is destroyed and you are kind of a tool for him to get back at her for cheating. Sucks all around for you...

This is simply not true.

If we are going to generalize, why don’t we throw in the “alll woman are gold diggers” or “marriage is the death of freedom”.
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:02 PM   #23
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This is simply not true.

If we are going to generalize, why don’t we throw in the “alll woman are gold diggers” or “marriage is the death of freedom”.
Those are non sequitur generalizations that have nothing to do with married people living single lives separately.

Eternal Sunshine is right on target. She shared some hard truths about what this guy is putting OP through. Lying to OP about this messy situation doesn't serve her.

First off, he IS still legally married. HE cannot give OP anything as long as he's another woman's husband. If he suddenly had to go to the hospital, OP has no rights to be with him, to sign anything. His wife does, even if she was the one who cheated and left him. Legally, she's his next of kin, not OP.

Second, he's dragging his feet on filing and has excuses for not filing.

Third, it's clear he's not emotionally done with his ex if he's calling her and crying on her shoulder whenever he and OP have fights about him not getting this divorce filed after almost one year of being with him.

Fourth, OP is his first relationship out of the undissolved marriage; that equals rebound.

OP IS a distraction from the pain of separation---because if that wasn't the case, he'd have divorced the woman and be completely free and clear to enter into something new with OP. And it's not out of the realm of not only possibility, but also probability that he's using her to get back at his wife. Human nature never changes.

There is nothing romantic or wistful about how this guy is going about any of this.

He's messy A.F.
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:33 PM   #24
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Old 6th October 2017, 9:17 PM   #25
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Those are non sequitur generalizations that have nothing to do with married people living single lives separately.

Eternal Sunshine is right on target. She shared some hard truths about what this guy is putting OP through. Lying to OP about this messy situation doesn't serve her.

First off, he IS still legally married. HE cannot give OP anything as long as he's another woman's husband. If he suddenly had to go to the hospital, OP has no rights to be with him, to sign anything. His wife does, even if she was the one who cheated and left him. Legally, she's his next of kin, not OP.

Second, he's dragging his feet on filing and has excuses for not filing.

Third, it's clear he's not emotionally done with his ex if he's calling her and crying on her shoulder whenever he and OP have fights about him not getting this divorce filed after almost one year of being with him.

Fourth, OP is his first relationship out of the undissolved marriage; that equals rebound.

OP IS a distraction from the pain of separation---because if that wasn't the case, he'd have divorced the woman and be completely free and clear to enter into something new with OP. And it's not out of the realm of not only possibility, but also probability that he's using her to get back at his wife. Human nature never changes.

There is nothing romantic or wistful about how this guy is going about any of this.

He's messy A.F.

Look at sunshine’s post again. It is not a specific statement. It is a geralization. People are not so easily characterized or put into boxes.

Having been in this exact situation I can say that divorce just takes time. It took two years in Chicago for me.

Should I just not date during that time? Please, this is not a one size fits all anymore than all women are gold diggers or marriage is the death of freedom.

As for this situation we have one persons side and incomplete facts. The assessments here of his motives and purpose is all based on little more than what the op wants us to know.

I was dating while I was getting divorced. I met a great girl and we hit it off well. We still fought about my divorce. Not because I didn’t want it or moved slow, but because it took so long. I would think that is common. Divorce sucks. It sucks worse for people like the op as they can’t do a thing to speed it up.
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