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confusion and uncertainty: where do I stand with him?


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  • 1 Post By Grey40
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Old 3rd October 2017, 9:52 AM   #1
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confusion and uncertainty: where do I stand with him?

I feel like a bit of an idiot for posting this here... I've been talking to two of my friends about this but I think what I need at this stage are objective comments (as objective as it gets, that is - seeing as it's still only my POV).

First off, I should mention that I am an introvert. I used to be incredibly shy some years ago but a lot has changed since then. However, when it comes to romance, I am still very clueless and easily intimidated.

Now, there is this guy I really like - he's a fellow student and also happens to be working at the same place I do. For some reason, I felt like he may be interested in me and I started to focus on it a lot more with each passing day. The thing is, from what I can tell, he is a little reserved - not too much, but most definitely an introvert himself as well.

- whenever we are alone in the office, he starts fidgeting (making small noises, etc.)
- he asks me questions, sometimes neutral ones but sometimes personal ones.
- I am quite sarcastic with people and generally enjoy teasing them, and recently he started doing the same with me
- he changed his schedule and now he works the same days I do (could easily be a coincidence)

So, the other day something really odd happened: we had a break of 45-minutes in-between classes and he asked me if i wanted to go for a walk with him. We went to the nearby park, talked, he asked me questions, I asked him questions... even some rather personal ones. When I said something he very much agreed with, I noticed his eyes getting bright and intense. In hindsight, I almost can't believe this actually happened... I felt this intense desire to touch him and somehow get closer, but I am unfortunately too shy for anything like that. Even while we had eye-contact I had to look away for fear of it becoming too intense.

Here's the thing though... he doesn't touch me, ever. Not even those light touches between friends. However, I have seen him do that with one of our study friends while we were all hanging out together (a light touch on her shoulder) as they were talking - and to be honest, I wouldn't be too surprised to find he actually has a thing for her instead. If it hadn't been for the park thing, I would have given up right then and there. This is all very confusing...

He doesn't strike me as an overtly social person (as I said: most definitely an introvert) and I don't think he would be the kind of guy to lead anyone on. The problem is that I wish I could reach a reasonable level of certainty in order to either gather all my courage and see if we can go out for coffee some time, or - in case my 'reasonable certainty' concludes he's not interested - simply forget about it and move on.

Well, please let me know if you have any insights on this. I realize that it most likely won't help ease my confusion all too much, but any advice will surely be very helpful!

(My last boyfriend was very extroverted and incredibly obvious in everything he said and did - so it was never a thing of doubt back then. This is very new territory for me).
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Old 3rd October 2017, 11:59 AM   #2
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Pretty tough situation when neither person is aggressive. Based on the info you gave, it's tough to to tell where he stands. But asking you to go for a walk with him is definitely a good sign. You don't do that if you have no interest.

I would say he's at least mildly interested. He's just shy, probably lacks experience in picking up women and doesn't quite know how to act. He's probably also afraid of messing things up because he works with you and doesn't want things to be awkward. I know it's hard for you to do because you are inteoverted, but try and make more of a move. Maybe touch him first, or find a way to show your interest more so he knows what you're thinking. Some guys need a push or some certainty and he's probably thinking exactly the same way you are.
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Old 4th October 2017, 11:29 AM   #3
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Thank you for your reply. I think your assessment is very accurate... I'm glad you said 'mildly interested' because that is not a term I have thought about so far. I keep thinking in the 'either-or' realm, but these things rarely are black or white. And seeing as I am an introvert myself, I should know all too well that usually the first step for me is to figure out who the other person is and if I actually like them enough to enter the 'risk' of pursuing them. Which is what I suppose I should be doing as well, instead of obsessing over what he is thinking.

Anyway. Today we went for lunch together which was quite nice. I talked a lot (maybe a little bit too much, but oh well). I think for now, I should just enjoy this phase of getting to know him slightly better. And maybe figure out some ways to make it more obvious that I wouldn't mind a private get-together outside of work and study... and, who knows, if anything, maybe I will gain a new friend after all of this :-) I certainly wouldn't mind that either.
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Old 4th October 2017, 3:16 PM   #4
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I agree with Grey40. The walk thing makes me think that he may be at least a little bit interested in you, but too shy to make a move. I think you have the right idea in taking time to get to know him, maybe on a friend level first and see if anything evolves from there. At the very least as you said, maybe you'll have a new friend out of this. I would focus more on that rather than obsessing over whether or not he likes you because I don't think that is a healthy way to approach it.

From an outsider's perspective I (personally) would be worried about overtly throwing myself at him as it could make your work situation a bit awkward if he does not reciprocate. Just keep getting to know him, up your flirty-ness, and maybe add some friendly touching in there (if you're up for it.)
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Old 4th October 2017, 3:34 PM   #5
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So next time you're out of the office and he's talking, start just lightly touching his arm when you're answering something you two are talking about. Maybe it will encourage him that you are not untouchable.
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Old 4th October 2017, 4:05 PM   #6
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Sounds to me you have to learn to be the extrovert and flirt with him and hint about him asking you out. The guy is so desperately looking for solid signals from you.
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Old 5th October 2017, 1:36 AM   #7
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Thank you all for your inputs and comments! They are very helpful and I actually feel a lot calmer already.
I am organising a night out with a few fellow students soon and he will be there as well. It's not that I plan on jumping him there but maybe I find it in myself to be a little bit more flirty in an out-of-office environment.
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