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Being led on?


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Old 2nd October 2017, 8:48 PM   #1
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Being led on?

Hi, several months ago, a girl I really like but whom I talked to only professionally and who had been very nice to me for no apparent reason, emailed me saying something like: “This doesn't have anything to do with work, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, but I just wanted to tell you that I have dreamed about you several times. Ha ha ha”. This flirty message surprised me a lot because I am very far from being an attractive man, and I liked it, but immediately several alarms went off in my head, because I knew at the time without a doubt she needed something from me, so I thought maybe she was just trying to get ahead by flirting with me. So I responded politely and kind of jokingly, but moved the conversation into other areas. We kept talking for several months through email and whatsapp, but they were all friendly casual conversations and I never favored her at all at work.


When the work relationship was over, and I was sure she didn't need anything from me anymore, I decided to test if she really was interested in me, so in one of the messages I asked her out (at this time we didn't see each other in person anymore); she responded in a friendly manner to the message but made no reference at all to the fact that I had asked her out, it was as if I hadn't asked her at all, she only made reference to other things I had said. I took this as a very clear sign of rejection and didn't insist, but I kept messaging her. I took a hit because I started liking her a lot more since she wrote to me that first time. She grew colder and gave very short answers, never asked me anything (which showed how little interested she really was in me) never initiated conversations, just two times: once she tried to sell me something and another she sent me a prank video, that's all.


I feel like an idiot because I keep writing her (once or twice every week or every two weeks) even though she clearly can't stand me, but I can't help it if I like her a lot; it wouldn't be this way if she hadn't written that first puzzling message. I have been feeling kind of depressed because of this for the last several months.


What are your opinions on this? For me it was just a classic case of someone leading someone else on. Should I cut all ties with her? Even though it would hurt me a lot, not her for sure. Or should I try to remain friends with this person, even if she has made me feel this bad?


Thanks to all of you who read this long post
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Old 2nd October 2017, 9:25 PM   #2
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What ties do you really have with her? You chat randomly about non personal things.

You were probably right about her initially -- she was flirting to get something she wanted. When you didn't fall for the bait then, she lost interest because she couldn't manipulate you.

Putting some distance in here is probably good for you.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 9:28 PM   #3
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It sounds like she had some ulterior motives, and I suspect they worked, and she got what she needed. It is so completely inappropriate to send an email like that in a professional capacity. You knew from the start there was something off. You suspected right. You have your answer. Lick your wounds and move on. You're the one that could have left sleeping dogs lie, but you pushed the issue and got the exact result you expected, but in your head you were dreaming off the opposite. Bummer.

Yes, you need to cut ties. If it assists you in a professional capacity to maintain some communication in a friendly, somewhat personal (not romantic) manner, during work hours, I might add, then do so, but only if you still require her or her company in a professional manner...I'm talking friendly, professional banter during times communication is required...no more than that. Don't burn bridges, but stop considering her to be someone who could be your potential mate...it's not happening. She used you and she used her sex to get what she needed. Your role is done now, and she's not interested.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 10:36 PM   #4
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I'd agree with the other posters.

Regardless of IF she was feeling something or not before (which we/you can at best only make guesses or assumptions about), she is not showing any signs of interest.

Everyone deserves to be with someone who respects them and enjoys connecting with them. Relationships are better with two people. There are so many people out there and life is too short to waste energy on the disinterested.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 1:30 AM   #5
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Yeah I got baited in a similar manner by a girl. Just move on, stop messaging her (it is possible) and you will eventually develop a whole new crush on a new girl.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 9:00 PM   #6
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Thank you all for your responses.

I guess you are all right about not messaging her again.

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It sounds like she had some ulterior motives, and I suspect they worked, and she got what she needed. It is so completely inappropriate to send an email like that in a professional capacity. You knew from the start there was something off. You suspected right. You have your answer. Lick your wounds and move on. You're the one that could have left sleeping dogs lie, but you pushed the issue and got the exact result you expected, but in your head you were dreaming off the opposite. Bummer.
I didn’t really favor her in any way. In that case, I would be feeling a lot worse now.

My mindset at the moment when I asked her out was that I didn't want to to live with the “what if she really liked me”, so I tried and got a pretty clear answer, only it wasn't the one I had hoped. I don't think I will be seeing her at least professionally in the near future, but you never know.

I was hesitant to write the following, because it is very embarrassing for me and I may run the risk of being made fun of, but it could give you a fuller picture and explain why I am taking this so hard: I am a 35 year old man who has had social phobia since I was very young; the last friends I had were in high school, I've never had a girlfriend or even been close to having one. I am fine in work environments, I can even speak in public in front of large groups with no problem, but on a personal level I am a complete failure. I am always ashamed of myself and can't get close to anyone. I would never admit this to anyone in person.

I was kind of resigned with my situation until she approached me with that “innocent” message. Imagine a guy like me who's never been shown any kind of attention by any woman in his life, reading his mail as usual, all work related and encountering this coming from one of the most beautiful women you've ever met. That messes with your head somehow. She was the first person I ever asked out; I know it sounds ridiculous given my age, but that is my reality.

I've felt very lonely and sad because of who I am before, but those feelings came and went, now after this whole incident they are there almost permanently. Anyway, I'll have to try really hard to forget about her, but it's the most reasonable and healthy thing to do like all of you have said.


Thank you
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Old 4th October 2017, 2:04 PM   #7
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Thank you all for your responses.

I guess you are all right about not messaging her again.

I didn’t really favor her in any way. In that case, I would be feeling a lot worse now.

My mindset at the moment when I asked her out was that I didn't want to to live with the “what if she really liked me”, so I tried and got a pretty clear answer, only it wasn't the one I had hoped. I don't think I will be seeing her at least professionally in the near future, but you never know.

I was hesitant to write the following, because it is very embarrassing for me and I may run the risk of being made fun of, but it could give you a fuller picture and explain why I am taking this so hard: I am a 35 year old man who has had social phobia since I was very young; the last friends I had were in high school, I've never had a girlfriend or even been close to having one. I am fine in work environments, I can even speak in public in front of large groups with no problem, but on a personal level I am a complete failure. I am always ashamed of myself and can't get close to anyone. I would never admit this to anyone in person.

I was kind of resigned with my situation until she approached me with that “innocent” message. Imagine a guy like me who's never been shown any kind of attention by any woman in his life, reading his mail as usual, all work related and encountering this coming from one of the most beautiful women you've ever met. That messes with your head somehow. She was the first person I ever asked out; I know it sounds ridiculous given my age, but that is my reality.

I've felt very lonely and sad because of who I am before, but those feelings came and went, now after this whole incident they are there almost permanently. Anyway, I'll have to try really hard to forget about her, but it's the most reasonable and healthy thing to do like all of you have said.


Thank you
Don't worry, it's not permanent.
The sooner you cut ties with this girl (stop messaging her), the faster you will heal and move on.

Work on your social phobia and confidence before anything else.
Getting out into the world will open many opportunities and possibilities for you.

Given your fear, that's amazing that you can comfortably public speak and handle yourself professionally by the way.
Have you tried therapy to help with the personal aspect?
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:19 PM   #8
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Don't worry, it's not permanent.
The sooner you cut ties with this girl (stop messaging her), the faster you will heal and move on.
Quite frankly, right now I am feeling the almost irresistible urge to write to her, but I know I shouldn't. I wouldn't be respecting myself if I did, trying to get in touch with someone who doesn't want anything to do with me. But right now my self-esteem is almost non-existent.

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Given your fear, that's amazing that you can comfortably public speak and handle yourself professionally by the way.
Have you tried therapy to help with the personal aspect?
It hasn't been easy, sometimes I still feel uncomfortable when I am in front of a large group but I put myself together quickly and keep going. From what I have read on the internet there are people who have it a lot worse than me, they can't work or even get out of the house because of thier social phobia.

I've never tried therapy, I don't have much faith in it but I have considered it, I don't rule out that possibility. I always imagine myself pouring my heart out to the therapist while he takes a nap or sneaks out, like in that Ben Stiller movie, ha ha. What I have been doing is trying to talk more to people and smile more, but I have a very long way to go. I am also very self counsciuos about my body, I am very tall and skinny, like a toothpick, so I am starting a new diet and gym routine to change that and possibly gain more confidence by doing so.

Thank you
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:29 PM   #9
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I am where you are/were at, sort of. I had a thing for a coworker a few years ago and was rejected. I walked away and haven't reached out since. I felt foolish for doing it, and it's not my place to communicate with him anymore. I have moved on. As you should as well. I'm damaged from it, just like you are, as we all are from things in the past, but it's what it is.
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:54 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by psuq17 View Post
Quite frankly, right now I am feeling the almost irresistible urge to write to her, but I know I shouldn't. I wouldn't be respecting myself if I did, trying to get in touch with someone who doesn't want anything to do with me. But right now my self-esteem is almost non-existent.

It hasn't been easy, sometimes I still feel uncomfortable when I am in front of a large group but I put myself together quickly and keep going. From what I have read on the internet there are people who have it a lot worse than me, they can't work or even get out of the house because of thier social phobia.

I've never tried therapy, I don't have much faith in it but I have considered it, I don't rule out that possibility. I always imagine myself pouring my heart out to the therapist while he takes a nap or sneaks out, like in that Ben Stiller movie, ha ha. What I have been doing is trying to talk more to people and smile more, but I have a very long way to go. I am also very self counsciuos about my body, I am very tall and skinny, like a toothpick, so I am starting a new diet and gym routine to change that and possibly gain more confidence by doing so.

Thank you
In a way she wanted something from you, it's like at school really at college the student wanted better grades she flirts, tease, sends letters to the older professor in this case whet ever title you held there at your job. Now she doesn't want anything more to do with you. You could move to a different department or have her email block from you. Still you think she wants you and you could loose your job over her. If you keep it up she could say that word harassment! You don't want that on your job record.

What she sent you was a need to get your attention she doesn't really like you. It was lie. You are smart man why didn't you see that in her letter. Who sends letters like that at work come on now. I am dating a woman from work and she wants to keep it to ourselves and not let the entire building know our business. She's right we have some rude managers, pot-shot comments all sorts of things. I stand up for myself and tell them grow-up I do not stand for such behavior at work.

Just quit contacting her like in romantic way because that can be used against you.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:39 PM   #11
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I am where you are/were at, sort of. I had a thing for a coworker a few years ago and was rejected. I walked away and haven't reached out since. I felt foolish for doing it, and it's not my place to communicate with him anymore. I have moved on. As you should as well. I'm damaged from it, just like you are, as we all are from things in the past, but it's what it is.
Yeah, rejection sucks for everyone

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Just quit contacting her like in romantic way because that can be used against you.
After I asked her out, I never insisted on it. When I have contacted her after that, it was never romantic, it was just the way you talk to an acquaintance. But yes, I should never try to get in touch with her in any away again, romantically or otherwise.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:53 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by psuq17 View Post
Hi, several months ago, a girl I really like but whom I talked to only professionally and who had been very nice to me for no apparent reason, emailed me saying something like: “This doesn't have anything to do with work, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, but I just wanted to tell you that I have dreamed about you several times. Ha ha ha”. This flirty message surprised me a lot because I am very far from being an attractive man, and I liked it, but immediately several alarms went off in my head, because I knew at the time without a doubt she needed something from me, so I thought maybe she was just trying to get ahead by flirting with me. So I responded politely and kind of jokingly, but moved the conversation into other areas. We kept talking for several months through email and whatsapp, but they were all friendly casual conversations and I never favored her at all at work.


When the work relationship was over, and I was sure she didn't need anything from me anymore, I decided to test if she really was interested in me, so in one of the messages I asked her out (at this time we didn't see each other in person anymore); she responded in a friendly manner to the message but made no reference at all to the fact that I had asked her out, it was as if I hadn't asked her at all, she only made reference to other things I had said. I took this as a very clear sign of rejection and didn't insist, but I kept messaging her. I took a hit because I started liking her a lot more since she wrote to me that first time. She grew colder and gave very short answers, never asked me anything (which showed how little interested she really was in me) never initiated conversations, just two times: once she tried to sell me something and another she sent me a prank video, that's all.


I feel like an idiot because I keep writing her (once or twice every week or every two weeks) even though she clearly can't stand me, but I can't help it if I like her a lot; it wouldn't be this way if she hadn't written that first puzzling message. I have been feeling kind of depressed because of this for the last several months.


What are your opinions on this? For me it was just a classic case of someone leading someone else on. Should I cut all ties with her? Even though it would hurt me a lot, not her for sure. Or should I try to remain friends with this person, even if she has made me feel this bad?


Thanks to all of you who read this long post
Do not feel like an idiot. Everyone has done this once. The key is not to fall for this again! Absolutely do not write her again. The more you write her, the more she will become disinterested if she has already turned you down.

You can't really say she was leading you on. The only way to know that is if you ask her out, she says no or blows you off, but keeps flirting with you. This woman is clearly saying, she is not interested. So she isn't leading you on.

In the future, if you like someone, ask them out as soon as you can, as opposed to writing and conversing for a long time and then asking them out. By spending a bunch of time writing before asking her out, you risk developing feelings and get the impression she is interested, only to ask her out and find out she isn't interested. Also, please don't ask her out over an e-mail. Ask in person. At worst you can ask over the phone, but even that should be a last resort.
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Last edited by TheFinalWord; 5th October 2017 at 8:56 PM..
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Old 6th October 2017, 3:06 PM   #13
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You can't really say she was leading you on. The only way to know that is if you ask her out, she says no or blows you off, but keeps flirting with you. This woman is clearly saying, she is not interested. So she isn't leading you on.

In the future, if you like someone, ask them out as soon as you can, as opposed to writing and conversing for a long time and then asking them out. By spending a bunch of time writing before asking her out, you risk developing feelings and get the impression she is interested, only to ask her out and find out she isn't interested. Also, please don't ask her out over an e-mail. Ask in person. At worst you can ask over the phone, but even that should be a last resort.
I think you wouldn't write a message like that to someone unless you are really interested or are pretending to be, which is what I think happened here.

When I asked her out we didn't see each other anymore and email was my only means of communication with her. But I would have preferred to ask her personally of course. I waited because like I said i my first post I wanted to make sure she didn't need anything from me anymore. Perhaps she lost interest during that time or she simply wasn't interested in me at all and was just trying to manipulate me from the start, which I think is a lot more likely in this case.
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Old 6th October 2017, 5:56 PM   #14
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What are your opinions on this?
You are dealing with a silly, rude idiot.
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For me it was just a classic case of someone leading someone else on.
To me, it's a classic case of a guy not knowing how to read silly girls and leave them where they stand. I'd have left the line about her dreaming about you flat in the mud with an "oh, that's nice" and pivoting fast to only professional stuff---AND KEEPING IT THERE. I would not have taken that as anything remotely like an invite for you to pursue. It sounded more to me like she was put up to a dare to see if you'd bite.

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Should I cut all ties with her?
Ò_ó

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Or should I try to remain friends with this person, even if she has made me feel this bad?
Ȍ_ő
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Last edited by kendahke; 6th October 2017 at 6:02 PM..
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