Doubt setting in.. help!

[Mkn1010]

I've been on about 8 dates with the new guy I'm seeing and after reading another post here about how crazy in love the guy feels for the woman, I realize I don't have those feelings, maybe not even the beginning of those.

 

 

I enjoy his company and like his personality and he treats me well, but I just don't feel an intense connection.

 

 

I need the trio: MIND, BODY and SOUL... you know, the sh*z that makes you get out of bed! But something's lacking here!

 

 

Maybe I'm just too damaged from losing the above type of bond with my ex and maybe am not supposed to ever have it again! Have not been in a relationship for 3 years since that ended. Have only ever had that once

[Ami1uwant]

I think you ready too many books thinking there is supposed to be butterflies or somethings. S o me times things just happen where you don't feel that.

 

Sometimes that attraction thing you are looking for comes out of vompetition, fear of losing, or the games of relations. Thus if you don't have the fear you lose him you misread thst.

 

If the last relation ended bafly, have you got counseling on it ??

[Dis]

Awww girl

 

Pls give it a little more time and plssss seperate him from any comparisions to your ex or past experiences

 

I dont buy it when people say they knew from the first date that the guy was the one. I think real love takes time to develop.

 

You've mentioned so many good things about him so try not to expect to feel head over heels with him right away. Take it easy, relax. Sometimes chemistry takes time to develop (I know from personal experience)

 

You might throw away something good if you dont give things alittle more time

 

As long as you're not replused, give him more of a chance and know that nothing can be recreated, such as your connection with your ex. But you can create something better and something that lasts

Edited September 27, 2017 by Disillusionment373

[Mkn1010]

Awww girl

 

Pls give it a little more time and plssss seperate him from any comparisions to your ex or past experiences

 

I dont buy it when people say they knew from the first date that the guy was the one. I think real love takes time to develop.

 

You've mentioned so many good things about him so try not to expect to feel head over heels with him right away. Take it easy, relax. Sometimes chemistry takes time to develop (I know from personal experience)

 

You might throw away something good if you dont give things alittle more time

 

As long as you're not replused, give him more of a chance and know that nothing can be recreated, such as your connection with your ex. But you can create something better and something that lasts

 

 

 

Thanks Dis, I agree but there are some things that just don't align with my values. Like he said he has been in non-monogamous relationships before (but not wanting to do that here with us), whereas I'm traditional AF! He is also a lot more sexually open and can do that without any feelings whereas I need feelings to hence be sexually attracted to someone.

Do you think these are deal breakers?

[No_Go]

Evaluate it as a side observer. What would you advise your best friend to do in this situation?

 

I don't think chemistry takes 8 dates to develop. In 2-3 dates of it's not there, it's not there. However - so called 'settling' relationships are not necessarily bad. Sometimes they bring love and stability that intense romance do not.

 

Think about what you want in life. What you want in a partner.

 

You're not too damaged btw. Nobody is. I can attest this from personal experience. It is just a matter of thinking about the fine balance of priorities and time.

 

I've been on about 8 dates with the new guy I'm seeing and after reading another post here about how crazy in love the guy feels for the woman, I realize I don't have those feelings, maybe not even the beginning of those.

 

 

I enjoy his company and like his personality and he treats me well, but I just don't feel an intense connection.

 

 

I need the trio: MIND, BODY and SOUL... you know, the sh*z that makes you get out of bed! But something's lacking here!

 

 

Maybe I'm just too damaged from losing the above type of bond with my ex and maybe am not supposed to ever have it again! Have not been in a relationship for 3 years since that ended. Have only ever had that once

[d0nnivain]

If you need the trio you need the trio.

 

 

You say it's lacking here but when did you realize you had it with the EX? I'm an instant chemistry "love (really lust) at first sight" kinda girl. I either think Shazaam! when I see the guy or the tingly feelings never materialize. I learned not to string people along because while I might get to know somebody better over time, if the chemistry ain't there, it won't show up later for me. If you are like me, it is best to end this now.

 

 

Other people are what I call slow burn types. They need to get to know somebody to warm up to them to allow love to grow over time. If you are that type of person, don't get all upset that you haven't figured it all out in 8 dates.

 

 

If you think you are still discombobulated over you last break up maybe less dating & more soul searching is in your future.

[Mkn1010]

If you need the trio you need the trio.

 

 

You say it's lacking here but when did you realize you had it with the EX? I'm an instant chemistry "love (really lust) at first sight" kinda girl. I either think Shazaam! when I see the guy or the tingly feelings never materialize. I learned not to string people along because while I might get to know somebody better over time, if the chemistry ain't there, it won't show up later for me. If you are like me, it is best to end this now.

 

 

Other people are what I call slow burn types. They need to get to know somebody to warm up to them to allow love to grow over time. If you are that type of person, don't get all upset that you haven't figured it all out in 8 dates.

 

 

If you think you are still discombobulated over you last break up maybe less dating & more soul searching is in your future.

 

 

Well on my first date with my ex, I remember staring at him thinking he was perfect (so I guess I found him really aesthetically pleasing and that's just superficial.... I was 23 at the time).

I'm now 30 and have a lot more substance and what I seek in a partner is more about who they are! But yeah, I was an instant chemistry type back then but that could have been my downfall? I think there is probably more stability to be found in a slow burn (non-volcanic) type of relationship...but I just can't seem to quiet the doubts in my mind. Like what if we know intuitively (or perhaps spiritually) when someone is not right for us, despite how good of a person they are, and the consciousness will keep telling us this until we break free?

[TheTraveler]

Well on my first date with my ex, I remember staring at him thinking he was perfect (so I guess I found him really aesthetically pleasing and that's just superficial.... I was 23 at the time).

I'm now 30 and have a lot more substance and what I seek in a partner is more about who they are! But yeah, I was an instant chemistry type back then but that could have been my downfall? I think there is probably more stability to be found in a slow burn (non-volcanic) type of relationship...but I just can't seem to quiet the doubts in my mind. Like what if we know intuitively (or perhaps spiritually) when someone is not right for us, despite how good of a person they are, and the consciousness will keep telling us this until we break free?

 

When I have the doubts in my mind, especially after 8 dates, I move on. Why waste time on another 8 or 80 dates to come to the same conclusion.

[Cookiesandough]

I agree. It's been 8 dates. Why settle for lukewarm feelings. You deserve that excited feeling

[mortensorchid]

How does HE feel about YOU? Out of curiosity that is.

 

I wish I had an all purpose answer for you as to what you should and should not be feeling with others. The fact of the matter is that you don't feel that way about him because ... You just don't. Chemistry is different because it's between different people. When you meet someone new, whatever they bring to the table is what they bring, and the same for you. And it could be a very good match and you could feel those butterflies. Or you don't. And it sounds like you don't.

 

There have been times in the past I said to myself "He's a good guy, you SHOULD be feeling this way about him. So what if he's a boring guy, he's got a good job, a plan for the future, etc." And I end up disappointed. They tell me I'm crazy. So it was never right to begin with.

 

I guess you have to have faith that if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. If you have to force anything then it's not good.

[Dis]

Thanks Dis, I agree but there are some things that just don't align with my values. Like he said he has been in non-monogamous relationships before (but not wanting to do that here with us), whereas I'm traditional AF! He is also a lot more sexually open and can do that without any feelings whereas I need feelings to hence be sexually attracted to someone.

Do you think these are deal breakers?

 

Hmmmm... I'm a little suspicious about guys who have been in open relationships. I would be worried about them straying even if we decided to be in a monogamous relationship. But thats probably me just being cynical because of how many times I've been cheated on. If he can stick to monagamy with you, then I wouldnt hold his past against him

 

I think a lot of guys are sexually open even if feelings arent there. They're men! As long as you let him know your feelings regarding sex, like when you're comfortable (exclusivity or whatever you want) and he's respectful of that, I dont see a problem

 

I think you might be looking for problems because you dont feel that intense spark with him

 

Try to shift your thinking a little. Try to look for things you LIKE and see if that changes your perspective

Edited September 28, 2017 by Disillusionment373

[d0nnivain]

If you are somebody who can trust their gut, if you can't quiet the doubts in your mind, don't. Understand they are there for a reason & act accordingly.

 

 

You are not required to stay in a dating relationship that is not fulfilling your needs.

[Mkn1010]

So I ended it!

 

Feel massively **** though!

[Steve51]

I lost my ex fiancé of 5 years once. I was overseas in combat at the time when I found out she was cheating on me. Then I dated another girl when I was in the Army, even moved her into my apartment. I just did not feel all the things I should have felt and after awhile we started dating others and broke up.

 

6 months later I was out of the Army and saw my wife on a train. After a few dates I knew she was the one. I felt it all and more. We got engaged 3 weeks after we met and am happily married for 45 years. If it is not there, ask yourself if you want to waste time hoping you find it?