Boyfriend never spends time with me

[Happy28]

My boyfriend and I have been going out 2.5 years. We're both 20 and go to the same college. For the last few months, he has completely stopped making any efforts to see me. We are both very busy people and I get that. I am a very honest person especially when it comes to him, so I've been telling him this is an issue.

 

He has a car on campus, which he us really lucky for, and I live a four minute drive away. I ask him almost every day because he always rejects my plans, to hang out. Even if it is just to get some coffee together which takes 15 minutes tops because we live in the city and there are restaurants as soon as you walk out of my dorm, he says no.

 

His excuse the other day was he wanted to play video games and he said he would come around 8:30, but then texted me at 11 saying "sorry I wanted to play more because my friend asked." And at that point I was getting ready for bed and it was too late because I had an early class.

 

I don't remember the last time he said "hey I miss you, can I come over?" and neither does he. He had never comes over to my dorm on his own. And I visited his apartment one day which I will explain why later, but that was the first day I had been to his dorm in the 4 weeks college has started. He hasn't ever invited me.

 

A few days ago, I told him this was a problem and says "So you expect me to see you any free time I get?" And I think ya. He says he would rather workout or play basketball or chill with his friends when he has any free time and this it's unreasonable to use his free time to see me. He said "it's not the guys responsibility to plan things and it shouldn't matter as long as the plans happen." But the problem is they never do.

 

I was really upset by everything he said and decided to just take sometime to myself. I was also very busy and just decided to not go near my phone and text him. This happened over the span of 2 days. One day I didn't respond for 5 hours and the next day, 8. I just wanted some time.

 

I just wasn't in the mood to talk at all because we have been fighting for so long about this. But I tried explaining my point. The hours I did respond, I just tried explaining my point. Maybe it was wrong of me not to tell him and just leave. should want to see each other. Not just wait for the girlfriend to make plans. The day I took 8 hours and he got really mad and blocked me from every mode of communication, facebook, snapchat and his phone. I couldn't contact him at all. But I did reply 8 hours later, through email because that was the only way to reach him and he never responded.

 

Friday's are the one day we always hang out. He comes over around 10 and sleeps over. And yes, I am happy he does that but he thinks that should "suffice for the week." Anyways, it was Friday and he still hadn't unblocked me so I decided to just go to his apartment. It was very late, around 11 and I hate walking around the city in the dark but I had no option if I wanted to see him. I had to text his roommate to tell him I am downstairs because I am not allowed in the building without someone from the building signing me in.

 

As I was waiting outside, a guy kept coming up to me asking me questions and bothering and I felt so uncomfortable. My boyfriend took 15 minutes to come down. Had he not blocked me, I could've just called him and asked him to come down quicker and not waited for his friend to see the text. As soon as he came down and I told him what happened he told me it was my fault, because of the way I was dressed, which was mind you a loose off the shoulder dress that went to my knees and lace up sandals that went up to my knee. So not much skin showing at all. He also said he wasn't planning on unblocking me anytime soon because for 2 reasons: I "ignored him for 8 hours" and his friend told him he saw me and one of my best guy friends together once and thought "we were too close."

 

The latter reason I had know idea about. My boyfriend never mentioned it once; he just blocked me. There is absolutely nothing going on between my friend and me and my boyfriend knows that and he knows he can trust me. If I hadn't gone to his apartment to talk, I may still be blocked right now for reasons I wasn't even aware of.

 

Nevertheless we made up and the next day, today, I asked if we could go somewhere because it was a beautiful day and it's going to get cold soon. He got mad and said "You never said we had to hang out Sunday's, only Fridays and Saturdays. I want to do other things," which really upset me because it feels like if it's not Friday or Saturday, "he doesn't need to hang out with me." But either way, today was the first day he made a plan in months which I was very happy about.

 

As he was dropping me off, he told me "I wasn't grateful" and told me to get out of his car because I "didn't show him I was grateful" even though I said "I'm having fun" and "thank you" over and over and was extremely normal and nice today. I feel like just because he finally made a plan, I had let him know every second how "I'm grateful." All in all, I feel very unloved and I feel like I'm a chore to him.

 

One thing I hate doing and I know I shouldn't do, is talk about what other couples do. But it's really hard for me to keep my feelings in when my boyfriend thinks he's right in the "guy not making plans" and telling me it's not his responsibility to make plans. So I give him examples of my friends and their relationships, just to let him know it's weird he thinks like that because that's not how a relationship should work.

 

He considers it "comparing" and yes I agree I shouldn't be comparing us to other couples, but I just want him to know our relationship is not right and couples enjoy each other's company and the boyfriend always visits his girlfriend, even if it just to surprise her or because he wants to see her on his own, not because she wants to see him and has to ask.

 

He is currently ignoring me and hasn't said a word since his dropped me off and told me to get out of his car 5 hours ago. He hardly calls and when I asked him why he didn't just come see me or at least called me when I told him I was upset about everything, instead of blocking me, he said he wasn't going to chase after me and he was mad about what his friend said. I don't know if this relationship is worth it anymore. I just want some opinions.

Edited September 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

[d0nnivain]

If your needs aren't being fulfilled & your BF would rather play video games then see you, perhaps your relationship has run it's course. Guys are a dime a dozen in college. Go get another one.

[LoverOfDance]

I've never EVER said this before to anyone but I'm saying this now because I feel so bad for you. I'm honestly hurt for you - your boyfriend is absolutely terrible. Telling you to be grateful and thankful that he wants to spend time with you?? My God. I feel so bad for you.

 

Also, telling you that that man outside his place harassing you was your fault??? It can NEVER be your fault, no matter what you were wearing ! Men should NEVER harass women. They should have self control and they should be respectful.

 

Your boyfriend is controlling. My self esteem would have dropped way down if I was the one in this relationship. I have never said this before but please, do not spend another day with this man. He is not good for you or for any other woman for that matter. I hope you find the strength to leave him, I really do. All the best.

[Steve51]

Let me tell you about real love. I was going to college full time taking a bigger load than usual. I also had 3 part time jobs. Yet I always found time to see the woman I loved. I made time. Love is supposed to make you want to spend all of your time with the one you love. It makes you overlook any faults. That is what is called romantic love.

 

Does not sound like your boyfriend is in love. Maybe he really sees you as sex relief or someone to be with when there is no one else. Nothing you said leads me to believe that he loves you. If nothing else, you can study together and there are always weekends. I do not know about you but Friday and Saturday night were party times. We went to dances, bars, campus parties, etc.. Then we went back to studying and doing homework on Sundays. It just sounds that he is giving you excuses because he has no need for you. Maybe he is seeing other women. That would not be so strange in college. I have done some rather strange things to be with my girlfriend. There were no obstacles too great to keep us apart. Even when I joined the Army I used to fly home every other weeks spending my pay in the process. Don't let him play you. College should be fun and not all studying. I got A's without attending most of my classes. Just showed up for the mid term and final tests. Aced them. I made time for my girlfriend despite school and part time jobs.

[Woon]

Right, this sounds familiar. My ex was very similar to you (though i think she might have been much worse). Wanting to spend every single minute possible together. Phoning to chat, saying i should phone her later to chat again, planning ahead to see each other etc etc. Never once giving me a chance to "miss" her. Was easily solved. I just told her to message and call me less. Lo and behold, the next day i was the one calling her.

 

If you hear from someone constantly, it just lessens the need to physically see them.

[ExpatInItaly]

I hate to break it to you, OP, but your relationship is essentially over. It's pretty clear your boyfriend isn't interested anymore, and sure, he'll see you when it suits him - but notice how little that actually is.

 

A guy who is into and wants to keep a girl doesn't behave the way your boyfriend does.

 

I would just get it over with and end it. It's going to happen sooner or later anyway, and you might as well not waste any more time.

[basil67]

Happy, do you think he'd be sad if you ended it? From what you write, I suspect he won't care at all. If this isn't a good reason to end things, I don't know what is.

[coolheadal]

You already said the correct answer here which you have sum it up as: I don't know if this relationship is worth it anymore It's not move on my dear!

[act00]

Your boyfriend is ready for a split. He's not interested anymore. He wants to play with his friends and probably hook up or date other people, and whatever he had with you has reached an end. He's been blowing you off, and I highly suspect he was hoping you would just go away, but you haven't, so now he's taken to blocking you and making it your fault. He had an excuse now...you blew him off. You know it's not your fault.

 

The writing is on the wall. He's not into you and you are trying to force a relationship that has run it's course. He's young, you're young, and rather than breaking it off, he has been pulling a disappearing act. Again, I suspect he was hoping you would just take the hint go away.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Grateful? For what? You hardly see him or get the time of day from him? Grrr. It hurts a lot, and I have been there. It's time to let him go. You can't force him to love you.

[kendahke]

My dear, your relationship is over.

 

You've been demoted to, at best, an FWB. At worst, some chick he used to eff with.

 

You're the only one who is in this. He's not and he's letting you know indirectly--it's too bad he just doesn't come out and say he's done, but that's exactly what his actions are saying.

 

Just stop trying. Love of yourself should be greater than love of someone who treats you the way he does.

 

I refer you to my tag line below:

_________

| | |

V V V

Edited September 25, 2017 by kendahke

[Els]

When I got to the 2nd paragraph of your post, I thought, "Why is she still with him?????". I made myself get through the rest anyway, but that only added more question marks.

 

So yeah,

 

Why are you still with him????????????????????????????????????????????????????

[O'Malley]

People in late teens - early twenties relationships tend to mature incompatibly and grow apart and that's what happened here. Why continue to give the best of yourself - your affection and time - to someone who clearly doesn't appreciate it? It's not easy to let go of a relationship that you have good memories of, but ending a relationship that has run it's course and being single and more independent minded can be a learning experience in itself.

 

College provides all kinds of opportunities to meet people, broaden your social circles and date guys who would be interested in spending time with you.

[Happy28]

Thanks for all your responses and help. How often do you think it is okay to ask to see each other every week? Given we live 4 minutes away, is Friday night sleepovers and Saturday night sleepovers (he comes around 9 pm each night and leaves an hour or 2 after waking up) and then occasional Tuesday food dates too much? What would you recommend for college couples?

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for all your responses and help. How often do you think it is okay to ask to see each other every week? Given we live 4 minutes away, is Friday night sleepovers and Saturday night sleepovers (he comes around 9 pm each night and leaves an hour or 2 after waking up) and then occasional Tuesday food dates too much? What would you recommend for college couples?

 

OP, if he doesn't want to spend time with you and isn't taking the initiative to see you, you're focusing on the wrong issue.

[TheFinalWord]

Sorry, but he's seeing someone else.

[Els]

Thanks for all your responses and help. How often do you think it is okay to ask to see each other every week? Given we live 4 minutes away, is Friday night sleepovers and Saturday night sleepovers (he comes around 9 pm each night and leaves an hour or 2 after waking up) and then occasional Tuesday food dates too much? What would you recommend for college couples?

 

I agree with Expat that you're focusing on the wrong issue. This boy is not interested in your relationship any longer, that's what matters.

 

That being said, to answer your question, I would expect a lot more than that in a LTR. When the SO and I were living 20 minutes apart, we were around each other about 50% of the time that we had off. What are both of you doing on weekends that you can't even spend one full weekend day together? Do you ever go out on dates?

[Art_Critic]

he got really mad and blocked me from every mode of communication, facebook, snapchat and his phone. I couldn't contact him at all.

 

The way I look at that statement is the only proper response is to permanently breakup and never speak to him again.. what a crappy way to treat someone, it sounds like you aren't even a couple.

 

Kick him to the curb yesterday and don't look back.

[preraph]

He's not your boyfriend. You're just his Friday night sex guarantee. You're young and in your prime. Go get yourself a boyfriend who doesn't just want to play videogames. If he LIKED you, he'd want more time with you. He just wants to know he has sex available once a week. He's making no effort. He's a loser. Any 20 year old can do better.

[kendahke]

Thanks for all your responses and help. How often do you think it is okay to ask to see each other every week? Given we live 4 minutes away, is Friday night sleepovers and Saturday night sleepovers (he comes around 9 pm each night and leaves an hour or 2 after waking up) and then occasional Tuesday food dates too much? What would you recommend for college couples?

 

1. you two are not a couple. He's let you know that. Whatever it is you think you have with him exists only in your head.

 

2. living 4 minutes away or 40 minutes away makes no difference. If he wanted to spend more time with you, he'd be doing it. He's spending time elsewhere when he's not with you. Why? Because he wants to be there. He's not spending it anywhere he doesn't want to be or doing anything he doesn't want to do.

 

3. Yes, Friday and Saturday night sleepovers are too much for someone who treats you the way he treats you. You have discounted your worth and are now trying to negotiate for crumbs.

 

Let me ask you this--and please think long and hard before you answer: do you like who you have to become in order to have this guy in your life?

 

Like I said in my earlier post: People treat you the way they feel about you. Fin. Full stop.

 

How he's treating you? That's how he feels about you--he feels like you're worth the neglect, the negging, the disrespect. Oh, he'll show up for the easy sex because he's not stupid; he knows you will give that up and he doesn't have to bust a sweat--then he hightails out of there in the morning because he doesn't want to be seen with you or as a couple with you.

 

He treats you with contempt and you come across as feeling lucky you get even that from him.

 

Stop wasting your youth on him.

[preraph]

And no, he won't change. No, love cannot make him change. He's happy just like he is. Block him on phone and social media and don't answer the door on Friday and start dating some other guys.