Is it just sex?

[ly399]

The guy I have been dating for 3 weeks said a few times I seem to enjoy our sex more than he did in teasing voice. What does that even mean? I didn't pay attention at first thinking he was bragging about how good he is. But he emphasized a few times that I enjoyed MORE. I asked him how can I repay him the pleasure, he didn't respond. I'm so confused. Was he not enjoying as much? Why telling me that?

 

The truth is I want him if he's actually into me as a person. The sex is amazing, best Ive ever had. I don't want a sex buddy, and I'm getting attached, so im thinking about ending it. If he also wants something serious, not just sex. Then I'm willing to give it a try. But then I feel it's too soon to do "what are we" talk on 5th date. I'm afraid I'd be too attached if I don't ask sooner. What's the best approach to assess his true intention?

 

Background info: we met online, same age late 20s, hooked up first night. NOT intentionally. I woke up feeling terrible because I actually like the guy. I assumed it's an one time thing, but he said he wants to see me again, so I thought we are hookup buddy. I met him few more times, fairly casual, alots of sex, and sleepover. Each time he acts less attentive sometimes even mean, and likes to tease me. When we are not hanging out he barely text me. I doubt he remembers my last name...

 

There is this weird vibe between us, we act like couple that dated for a long time. We saw each other total 4x in 2.5 weeks. 1x during the week, and 3 on weekends. Last night, we both worked on our laptops before sleep. He joked about serious topics like having babies and moving in together. I don't keep up with his humor. Another date he suggested leaving my gym clothes at his apt so we can workout together.

 

On 3rd date, he said good night sex buddy, I asked him "are we" he said no. I'm very confused, its hard for me to take this relationship more seriously. He doesn't take me to proper dates even though he has a high paying job, doesn't hold my hand in public. Sometimes I dont mind it cuz I'm tired of going out. What bothered me is that he's not trying to impress me.

 

When he said I seem to enjoy sex more than he does, I can't wrap my head around it. He's always the one pushing for sex. We have at least couple times a night, so he must enjoy it. Does he want something more? Frankly, I'm conflicted, I like him, but I'll not getting into another relationship unless he's in love with me.

 

Is it just sex? He's acting cold because he thinks I just want sex? Or he's not that into me?

[PegNosePete]

I feel it's too soon to do "what are we" talk on 5th date.

You are having sex with him, but you think it's too soon to talk to him? That doesn't make much sense, to me.

 

hooked up first night. NOT intentionally.

If it wasn't intentional then what was it? Accidental? Look you need to take responsibility for your actions here. You have created a sex-buddy like relationship here by making your relationship all about sex. If you want a "proper" girlfriend/boyfriend relationship then you need to make that happen instead. If he wants that too then all good, but if he doesn't then better to find out sooner than later right?

[Redhead14]

If a woman is being intimate with a man, she is well within her rights and responsibility to herself to have clarity!

 

You simply make a statement -- "you know, Xname, I have been enjoying the time we spend together and the intimacy. I am looking for a long-term relationship for myself. I am not dating or sleeping with anyone else and would like us to focus on each other for a while to see if there can be more between us. I am not interested in friends with benefits arrangement." If he gives you an answer that is anything but confirmation that he is willing to do the same and is looking for a relationship as a goal, you bail. If he cannot promise you exclusivity for now, at least, you move on.

 

When he said I seem to enjoy sex more than he does -- That's kinda ambiguous. When someone says something I don't understand -- I ask them what they mean when they say it. Get better about thinking on your feet. Nevertheless, you can still open a conversation.

 

It's important to have a conversation early on in a dating scenario about what each other's dating goals are. Just because you end up having sex very early on, that doesn't change anything. You can have clarity about goals at least. If he's not looking for a relationship for himself overall and you are, you move on. You need to be on the same dating goals page overall to start with.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Redhead14

[elaine567]

I guess it is.

All that talk about babies and moving in is trick some men use to make a woman think he is serious about her....

 

He is sometimes mean and is becoming less attentive, doesn't bother taking you out and won't hold your hand, doesn't bother texting you and the comment about you enjoying the sex more than him was also a bit mean.

 

He doesn't actually sound a very nice guy so if the sex is great then carry on as long as you are enjoying it, but as a long term prospect he doesn't sound fantastic. and maybe someone you should avoid.

Guys who put you down through "jokes", are usually men you need to stay away from, they attack your self esteem.

If he is this "cold" after 5 dates, imagine how he will be after 5 years...

 

BUT if you like him then ask him, sometimes people mirror other people so if he is getting a "it is all about sex and a casual or cold" vibe from you he may just be mirroring that back.

[Cookiesandough]

hooked up first night ... I woke up feeling terrible because I actually like the guy

 

What a backwards world we live in... And ya it's just a sex thing

[sandylee1]

Sex on the first night and it's been three weeks. ...Yes it's just sex at the moment.

[Robratory]

He tells you to leave your workout clothes at his apartment. And even if he does it jokingly, he talks about babies and moving in. These are all things that suggest he's looking for a relationship. The fact that he teases you may just be his awkward way of showing affection. Many men relate to each other that way.

 

What's causing all this is really you. You're not talking to him. You should know where you each stand in this relationship. Talking about that shouldn't be toxic.

[smackie9]

Guys are the worst communicators so this is all on you. I think he is laying hints but is wondering how you feel, you have yet to elaborate on his comments. It's not too early to lay out your expectations. You are at a point you know what you want, and you should find out if he is on the same page. If you fear he will run away, think about it this way, he wasn't interested in anything serious and you just saved yourself from wasting your time. It's time to not ask BUT tell him what you are looking for.

[Redhead14]

I find it interesting that so many women seem to think that they can't take control of situations, especially in dating scenarios, when they need clarity or have questions, etc. They seem to think that they need to leave everything to the guys.

[ly399]

I find it interesting that so many women seem to think that they can't take control of situations, especially in dating scenarios, when they need clarity or have questions, etc. They seem to think that they need to leave everything to the guys.

 

Its tricky for women, don't you think. This might sound backwards but has been my observations. When we come forward, guys complain it's too much pressure, moving too fast, we need to be chill and learn to enjoy the flow. Now I think about it it's all manipulation. Good advise everyone, I will talk to him next time I see him. For better or worse, I'll fine out for sure.

 

Should I have the talk in public (restaurant) or private (his apt)?

[elaine567]

Should I have the talk in public (restaurant) or private (his apt)?

 

I guess in private he will just persuade you to have sex with him and nothing will be any clearer...

[Redhead14]

Its tricky for women, don't you think. This might sound backwards but has been my observations. When we come forward, guys complain it's too much pressure, moving too fast, we need to be chill and learn to enjoy the flow. Now I think about it it's all manipulation. Good advise everyone, I will talk to him next time I see him. For better or worse, I'll fine out for sure.

 

Should I have the talk in public (restaurant) or private (his apt)?

 

Its tricky for women, don't you think - I don't think it is unless you are not a strong, independent, secure person.

 

When we come forward, guys complain -- They don't shy away because you opened that conversation, they simply weren't on that page anyway.

 

we need to be chill and learn to enjoy the flow. -- When they say stuff like that, it's manipulation so that they can maintain control over the situation. And, usually, it's just that they aren't that into you -- at that point, perhaps. Maybe you'll grow on them, but it really says they aren't goals-focused at best probably. If that's the case, they will say something like "I don't know what I want" -- again, your queue to bail.

 

Suss him out -- ask the hard questions. It'll give you the heads up you want. He may even find it refreshing . . .

[Hathor]

Has he ever taken you out anywhere, like to a restaurant or anything? What do you guys do when you get together? Just straight down to sex?

[BluesPower]

The comment is a complement... all men worth their salt want their partners to be satisfied. So you can stop thinking about that.

 

But for real if you are sleeping together why can't you talk to one another. Maybe he is interested in a relationship as well, who knows.

 

Have the talk and make your move from there...

[ly399]

Has he ever taken you out anywhere, like to a restaurant or anything? What do you guys do when you get together? Just straight down to sex?

 

yea we went to restaurants that are more causal dining. He talked about renting a car and drive to beach at some point, etc. Maybe he's just saying it. So far our dates are pretty boring besides the sex. Definitely not the 1am drunk call and sex type of thing. He usually set a time at least a day in advance, occasionally last min plan, he'd text/call in the afternoon. But he put very little thoughts into where to go or to do. FYI, we live in the middle of city (two different ends).

 

After dinner, we'd watch something on tv/have plenty of sex, read/work, talk (work&life), and then sleep. We act like we have known each other for a long time. Not the bestie/soulmate kind of knowing, but the annoying old roommate type of knowing.

 

We both have crazy schedules. The pace itself fits into my work life. But i do wish him putting more effort in the beginning. The dates are poorly planned, i'm not impressed. He is a laid back guy in general. He has no nice things even though he makes good money. He goes to fine dining often for work, so he knows how to impress girls, i don't how he is with other girls. Bottom line is, he's not trying very hard to win me over like other guys.

[ly399]

After reading everyone's response, i slowly realize i'm not that excited about getting into anything serious with this guy. I'm still very attracted to him, it's that sexual tension that makes me craving him. In an ideal world, i'd get as much sex from him as possible and not get attached. But i don't work that way...

 

i guess part of reason i held back the talk is that I want to get to know him better before suggesting anything serious. If he says it's sex only, easy choice, i bite the bullet and end it on the spot; what if he says he wants more? Then what? The last thing i want is starting an relationship because the sex is too good, and be stuck with a terrible person. We are 5 dates into dating, besides the attraction, how do i know if he's the guy i want to be with yet.

 

So far i don't like what i see. He's insecure, afraid of failure/rejection (professionally), hence the 'talking' down and the teasing. I understand we all have walls to certain degree. I was hoping to get through his dense, get to know the person underneath, and then make a decision. But is he worth my time/effort, all because of physical attraction?

[basil67]

It sounds like you're not the type of girl who would be happy with a laid back guy. Are you sure you even want to bother with the conversation?

[ly399]

You are having sex with him, but you think it's too soon to talk to him? That doesn't make much sense, to me.

 

If it wasn't intentional then what was it? Accidental? Look you need to take responsibility for your actions here.

 

I can see your confusion here. When i say not intentional, i meant i wasn't purposely looking for hookups. It was in a heat of moment kind of thing.

 

i stated on my profile "looking for something serious", i agreed to a coffee date first, and then he suggested getting drinks that night after work dinner. We met, had fun talking, made each laugh.. Hours flew by, we had too much to drink. Yes, we made the deliberate choice of having sex instead of jumping into separate cabs. It was unexpected, at least on my part, i didn't go into the date thinking about sleeping with him.

 

Second morning, i regretted, because i know the implication of sleeping on first date. I wished i had more self control and went home instead. I won't be in my current situation if i had, i could get to know him more as a person, see if we are a good fit. Now things are messy, he probably think i'm a whore in the back of his head. Ugh.

[ly399]

It sounds like you're not the type of girl who would be happy with a laid back guy. Are you sure you even want to bother with the conversation?

 

omg that's so true. In my head, laid back = sloppy or disorganized. i'm biased, forgive me, my family has a long history of OCD. I don't have the condition, but i'm exhibit a lot of traits.

 

If i dont have the conversation, what do i do with this guy? I'm getting very attached! Are you suggesting i break it off before getting too deep? Clearly, having regular sleepover aren't working out for me.

[Redhead14]

he's not trying very hard to win me over like other guys -- There's nothing left to "win". You two had sex on the first date. You didn't allow him to "work" for you. You gave it to him on a platter. And, that's OK, if you really wanted to do that. But if you want a man who is relationship-minded, you are more likely to see if that can happen if you just wait it out a while longer.

 

And, yeah, some guys may keep pursuing you properly even after first date sex and some guys hit and run. You just don't know which kind of guy you're dating at that point so just err on the side of caution and hold off and observe how the guy dates you for a while.

 

In this guy's case, though, he got sex early and he's still seeing you but it's very lackluster and boring already. This guy isn't serious about you. He's just on the ride for a while.

 

Have a conversation with him for the "practice" anyway. But I think you should move on really.

Edited August 30, 2017 by Redhead14