emerald86 Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 I have a close male friend that I've known for many years, but lately his actions have absolutely been confusing me. He has a girlfriend that he's been with for a few months, and they were childhood friends. They've pretty much known each other their entire lives. He claims that he loves her and that he can see himself having a future with her. He always mentions that she's an awesome girl. Yet other times, he says that in general, he doesn't like talking about the future. This is all great, and I was happy for him until I found this out - he's still in regular contact with his ex-girlfriend (who he's been with for 8 years and was engaged to), as well as another girl that he recently had a fling with. He claims that both of these girls are overly persistent and won't leave him alone, yet at the same time he refuses to tell them about his new girlfriend. He says that telling them about his gf would break their hearts, and he couldn't bring himself to do that. I do also know that he's secretly messing around with a third girl, but apparently they don't have feelings for each other. It isn't my intention to interfere in his life in any way but I'm just curious - why would someone do this? Is it for the attention? Is it because they're not serious about their current relationship? Does this make my friend a bad person? I just can't think of my friend as a bad person because in every other way, he is one of the nicest, most considerate people I've known. It boggles my mind that someone like him could do this. Link to post Share on other sites
Laundry333 Posted August 23, 2017 Share Posted August 23, 2017 Well, it is inherently difficult to decipher what goes on in a person's mind, but there is one detail that makes me think that your friend is not as nice as he seems, and it's that he is secretly messing around with a third girl. All the other things can be blamed on being too nice, but not this. I would, if possible, like to know exactly what you mean with "messing around" to provide you with a more thorough response. Link to post Share on other sites
Robratory Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Does this make my friend a bad person? This is all too incestuous, but to answer your question, the hallmark of being a bad person is hurting other people, so unless all those girls are in on what he's doing and fine with it, yes, your nice friend is a bad person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Oh, this is easy. People cheat because they're *******s 1 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 What is his relationship with these two other women who are "persistent?" Is he still romantically involved with them, casually, sporadically? Because my thought on his not telling these women about his girlfriend is because he wants them to think he's still available so he can continue dating them or hooking up. They still have hopes he'll come around, and he tosses them a bone once in awhile. Then he has the third woman he's hooking up with. He's not a good person if he's messing with these women. Sure, it will hurt if he lets them know he's not interested or cuts them loose, but that's life. If he's serious about the woman he's with, he has to create boundaries. Some may stay friends, but he's going to have to go through the issues and insecurities his new girl will have about him maintaining a "friendship" with an ex-fiance or a long-time childhood friend that grew into romance and love. It's not going to be easy. He doesn't want to hurt these women...but he is. The sh** is going to hit the fan at some point. He's a cheater. If his relationship with this new woman (#4 apparently) is open and she knows, then fine, but I suspect he's floating around to these four women, and the turmoil he's causing them by being aloof and noncommitted is also very hurtful, as they all think they're the only one. If he wants to play the field, fine, but he has to be transparent and open about it so that the woman can choose if this is what she wants or can live with. If he's ready to settle down and be serious, he has to risk the potential loss of a friend who was holding out hope for their future together. If they are "just friends," then a friend will stick around. IMO, there's only one reason he isn't sharing his new relationship with his "friends," and that is because he's still involved with them on some level, romantically, and even intimate. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 He's got these girls in his corral so he will always have backup if he has a need to get laid. Your friend is a jerk. He doesn't give a rats a$$ about hurting them, he is only thinking of himself and his actions show this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Have you ever asked him how he would feel if his girlfriend had a bunch of guys she was grooming behind his back and what would he do? No, your friend isn't a nice person. Just because he hasn't tried talking your panties off doesn't make him a nice guy. Another way of looking at your friendship with him: you could be secret girl #4. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 He's a self-absorbed a--. He's also arrogant enough to think that his actions will "just hurt" his girlfriend's feelings. In all reality, she will ditch him with prejudice if/when she finds out he's screwing around. Yes, she will be "hurt" but she is also going to be angry and he's going to pay a steep price. I screwed on a long term girlfriend when I was a freshman in college and I justified not telling her because I was self-centered enough to assume that she'd "just be hurt" and that she wouldn't call it off. Good Lord, was I wrong.. She raked me over the coals and I deserved it. Link to post Share on other sites
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