Unsure

[Cali1978]

Hi, just a little confused at the moment. Can I ask how you people knew you were happy when you met your SO? Unfortunately at 39 I have had only one relationship. I've kissed lots of guys but never had sex. I went for counselling and basically due to childhood stuff I have a fear of intimacy.

The guy I was seeing broke up with me four months ago but we stayed in contact. He was seeing someone briefly in the meantime but we had a fun evening a few weeks back (first time seeing each other since the break up). I'm pretty sure he'd like to get back together. I don't know what I want and this is my problem.

He's the kind of guy who it seems needs to be in a relationship. I wouldn't worry too much about this if i was crazy about him. I'm not because I think he's not who I thought I would end up with. He's not settled in his job and generally has a happy go lucky approach to life. I've anmortgage and bills and a good job. I always saw myself with someone as settled as me who can afford to travel with me and who will help with the burden of everyday life tasks. He'd admit he's immature. It's also long distance.

I also cannot truly believe he is into me-I think I'm just convenient for him. To pass the time with. I don't know if it's my fear of intimacy is causing me to talk myself out of a relationship or if I'm right thinking we aren't compatible. It feels like if I had more experience to judge things against it would be clearer. I feel so confused about whether this is self sabotage or I'm right in thinking we aren't compatible??

[smackie9]

Read what you posted. You obviously see this guy doesn't fulfill some very important expectations. Beliefs and money are very crucial for a relationship to work. You are not sabotaging anything, you are being wise to the fact he isn't your match for the long haul.

 

Hell if everyone stuck to their expectations when choosing a partner, this site would be pretty dead.

 

It's looking like his last interest didn't pan out, and is having trouble meeting someone new so he's circled back to you. Don't be someone's second or third choice.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Are you still in counselling? If so, what are you doing to remedy the revelation that you have a fear of intimacy due to childhood trauma?

 

Therapy is wonderful and can be life-changing but you still need to put in the work and then apply the tools you learn in therapy. Are you doing that??

 

As far as your post and this guy, it's hard to determine if you're simply making up excuses not to date this man or if he really is unfit to be your partner. Given your confession of being afraid of intimacy, it's highly probable that you are looking for reasons to keep him at a distance. Which is fine but then I will reiterate the importance of therapy and what is it you're actively doing to address and conquer your issues?

[Cali1978]

The psychologist I was seeing was older and I found it difficult to discuss relationship/sex stuff with her. I saw another counsellor during the break up

and she was good but I then couldn't afford to go. I've a few things on at the moment but I intend on going back.

I should have said we do get on well with similar interests. And we have fun.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The psychologist I was seeing was older and I found it difficult to discuss relationship/sex stuff with her. I saw another counsellor during the break up

and she was good but I then couldn't afford to go. I've a few things on at the moment but I intend on going back.

I should have said we do get on well with similar interests. And we have fun.

 

Fair enough. I will continue to encourage you to seek therapy then. Fear of intimacy is a monumental issue to grapple with and one that isn't easily fixed without some serious professional help. Being 39 and not having been sexual with anyone in all that time because of your past is it's own issue you can't and shouldn't ignore.

 

Are you happy with the way your life is now? Are you content with the woman you are despite your past? Do you long for a partner, relationship and/or intimacy? Or is it more that you feel like it's something you SHOULD be doing rather than some deep ache you long for?

[kendahke]

I think that instead of trying to figure out this man, you would be far better served for your future happiness in getting to the root of why you prefer to hold onto your fear of intimacy because THAT is going to be what sinks every relationship you get into.

 

Men will be understanding up to a point, then they're going to start getting sick of the distance you put between you two in the realm of intimacy.

 

Clean up your past issues first. Then you will meet someone who matches what you say you want.

[Versacehottie]

Read what you posted. You obviously see this guy doesn't fulfill some very important expectations. Beliefs and money are very crucial for a relationship to work. You are not sabotaging anything, you are being wise to the fact he isn't your match for the long haul.

 

Hell if everyone stuck to their expectations when choosing a partner, this site would be pretty dead.

 

It's looking like his last interest didn't pan out, and is having trouble meeting someone new so he's circled back to you. Don't be someone's second or third choice.

 

Agreed. I think you recognize that you are not compatible or that excited about him. Don't confuse it with the fact that you have difficulty with emotional intimacy, which can be true too--it's not mutually exclusive. So let him go/don't get back together with him AND keep working on your personal issues. I think you should jump on that now with therapy that way when the right guy comes along you will be able to move forward and recognize that it would be a good match. Also if you start working on yourself, you might be motivated to start your search for a legit partner for you and can start leading a more fulfilling life as soon as possible. Realize that it will take some practice and some time so jump on that now but I think you have identified enough basic factors that say this guy is not for you as a long term partner. It is interesting how it is a LDR? I think that happens often with emotionally detached people. Good luck

[Cali1978]

Fair enough. I will continue to encourage you to seek therapy then. Fear of intimacy is a monumental issue to grapple with and one that isn't easily fixed without some serious professional help. Being 39 and not having been sexual with anyone in all that time because of your past is it's own issue you can't and shouldn't ignore.

 

Are you happy with the way your life is now? Are you content with the woman you are despite your past? Do you long for a partner, relationship and/or intimacy? Or is it more that you feel like it's something you SHOULD be doing rather than some deep ache you long for?

 

No I would like to be in a long term relationship. I don't want to be on my own forever. I actually thought it would just happen, that I just hadn't met the right person when I was younger. It's only in the last couple of years I've realised it's a fear in me. I've done lots of dating thanks to online apps in the last year and a half. It's given me confidence in my attractiveness to men. I think I've come a long way and this guy knows everything. In his eyes we only broke up because of his frustration with the lack of sex. I have told him that I felt he wasn't responsible enough for me. He said he never knew any of this when we were going out. He's now offering to help me out with things I need doing. We were always in touch while broken up and I felt a real fondness for him. I don't have a really strong physical desire for him but I wonder if that's because I'm holding back, shutting it down out of fear of the unknown and taking a chance on something that's completely new to me i.e. A relationship. I do like kissing/being close to him though. Thanks everyone for reading and replying!

Edited August 23, 2017 by Cali1978

[Michelle ma Belle]

No I would like to be in a long term relationship. I don't want to be on my own forever. I actually thought it would just happen, that I just hadn't met the right person when I was younger. It's only in the last couple of years I've realised it's a fear in me. I've done lots of dating thanks to online apps in the last year and a half. It's given me confidence in my attractiveness to men. I think I've come a long way and this guy knows everything. In his eyes we only broke up because of his frustration with the lack of sex. I have told him that I felt he wasn't responsible enough for me. He said he never knew any of this when we were going out. He's now offering to help me out with things I need doing. We were always in touch while broken up and I felt a real fondness for him. I don't have a really strong physical desire for him but I wonder if that's because I'm holding back, shutting it down out of fear of the unknown and taking a chance on something that's completely new to me i.e. A relationship. I do like kissing/being close to him though. Thanks everyone for reading and replying!

 

Perhaps he could help you deal with some of your issues.

 

If he already knows all your secrets and you enjoy his company then perhaps you are just being especially picky in order to avoid anything more serious. As long as he's aware of your pattern and is willing to stick it out with you provided you're game then I don't really see a problem with it.

 

Something to consider at any rate.

 

Good luck.

[kendahke]

I don't have a really strong physical desire for him but I wonder if that's because I'm holding back, shutting it down out of fear of the unknown and taking a chance on something that's completely new to me i.e. A relationship.

Before you go any further with him, you need to sort this out and find out which of the three it is. It's patently unfair to not do this heavy lifting before bringing someone else into your sphere and expecting them to unpack and sort this for you.

 

Like I said above, he's going to be patient with you for only so long before he gets tired of being rebuffed.

 

 

I do like kissing/being close to him though.

To some men, this is called teasing and you don't want to be teasing a grown man. It could end unpleasantly for you.

[Chilli]

Sorry to say but l think your right.

It seems to be your gut talking to you and not happy to me.

And you know , that's how it works, that's what the gut feelings are for so .

 

On the maturity thing , l mean he can easily decide to get into it and start wanting to settle down, any time , but the thing is , the right women makes you wanna get your ass into gear and do stuff like that usually , it just sorta makes ya wanna grow up and move into the next stage in life yaknow, so if he still isn't wanting to then there's something up with his feelings and it's probably just not serious enough to him l'd say.