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Bad communication


juniorrocha

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I've been dating my gf for about 3 years on and off and I'm not sure how to address this, but I don't feel like I can be open to her about anything because she gets upset. Instead of listening to what I have to say and maybe suggest something, she will just get quiet and distant. She won't share how she feels or comment; lately she says "I don't wanna talk about this anymore, ok?" and that's it.

 

It doesn't matter the subject, sometimes it's not even something related to her yet she makes it seem like it is and, of course, gets upset. Like this time I told her I felt like I'm not very good at making friends or bonding, we were hugging and very intimate at the time, then all of a sudden she was all distant. After asking a thousand times, she finally spoke and made the whole story seem like I don't consider her a friend or that we don't have a deep connection. That wasn't the case at all.

 

Today I was telling her, being very careful with my words, that I wish I felt like we're closer. As in, talking more often through the day, or calling for no reason, or even suggesting something for us to do together. I can't recall the last time she did something exclusively for me, just for the sake of "I'll do this because I know he will be happy" (I didn't tell her that). I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but it would be nice if she did something once in a while instead of never.

 

I know she loves me and I know she's like that, but how can I tell her something that's important to me, even if it's "negative", if she gets upset everytime? It just seems like very bad communication and Idk what to do, can anybody help? :/

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I've been dating my gf for about 3 years on and off and I'm not sure how to address this, but I don't feel like I can be open to her about anything because she gets upset. Instead of listening to what I have to say and maybe suggest something, she will just get quiet and distant. She won't share how she feels or comment; lately she says "I don't wanna talk about this anymore, ok?" and that's it.

 

Has it crossed your mind that maybe you don't know when to quit? When someone says they don't want to talk about it anymore, especially a woman because we usually love 'talking', it's usually because the subject has been beaten around the bush and it's getting old and redondant. Is it possible?

 

It doesn't matter the subject, sometimes it's not even something related to her yet she makes it seem like it is and, of course, gets upset. Like this time I told her I felt like I'm not very good at making friends or bonding, we were hugging and very intimate at the time, then all of a sudden she was all distant. After asking a thousand times, she finally spoke and made the whole story seem like I don't consider her a friend or that we don't have a deep connection. That wasn't the case at all.
That is why I have the feelling you don't know when to quit.

 

Today I was telling her, being very careful with my words, that I wish I felt like we're closer. As in, talking more often through the day, or calling for no reason, or even suggesting something for us to do together. I can't recall the last time she did something exclusively for me, just for the sake of "I'll do this because I know he will be happy" (I didn't tell her that). I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but it would be nice if she did something once in a while instead of never.
Instead of telling someone I wish we would go out more often what you do is set up dates. Instead of telling someone you wish to go away for a weekend you offer it and organize it. You are part of the solution, not only her.
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I'm in a similar situation as you OP. Wish my guy would communicate more, but I don't know how to ask for it.

 

One thing that others have suggested to me is positive reinforcement. Instead of flat-out asking for these things over and over, positively reinforce the behavior that you do like. For example, I wish my guy would text me more often throughout the day. So, when he does it, I say something like, "Your morning texts make me really happy!" or "I love hearing from you in the middle of the day like this!"

 

Now, the bad news is that this hasn't worked for me yet... but it could very well work for you!

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-Hi OP, I feel like there are important details missing on this post so it's kinda hard to give you an accurate advice.

 

Like Gaeta said, women usually loves to talk..a lot...I tell my SO that he should be grateful I keep talking about my concerns because once I have gone quiet it only means I'm already going downhill. He will immediately agrees with me. So the fact that your gf says she doesn't want to talk about something, to me it means either she has given up or tired of discussing things over and over again because it is not getting resolved.

 

It also depends on how you approach her and what choice of words you use. I hate it when my exes would tell me I'm so crazy for yelling but yet they don't acknowledge the fact that they may not be a yeller but damn, their words could cut deeper than my yelling.

 

In the beginning I have approached my current SO like a mad insecure woman and I upset him. But overtime I have gotten to know him more and more and figured out how to communicate with him.

 

You say you are on and off for 3 yrs. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. Maybe she gets upset so easily because she is really tired of this relationship but because you've been together for so long that it's just hard to completely walk away. That would also explain why she doesn't do things spontaneously. When she said you guys don't have a deep connection that's a MAJOR red flag. How did you respond and what did you say to her?

 

Again, I don't know the exact situation and only basing this on what you mentioned. If you want things to happen why are you waiting on her? Do you do the things you expect or wish from her to do? Have you taken her on a nice trip, buy her small little things just because?

 

What efforts do you do to make her feel special? You say she loves you, so how do you know this? How is she showing her love for you? Focus on that and focus on how to treat her really good. That's if you are still willing to make this work. Sounds to me that you are focus on YOU and minimal on her.

Edited by LovelyRose
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I've been dating my gf for about 3 years on and off and I'm not sure how to address this, but I don't feel like I can be open to her about anything because she gets upset. Instead of listening to what I have to say and maybe suggest something, she will just get quiet and distant. She won't share how she feels or comment; lately she says "I don't wanna talk about this anymore, ok?" and that's it.

 

It doesn't matter the subject, sometimes it's not even something related to her yet she makes it seem like it is and, of course, gets upset. Like this time I told her I felt like I'm not very good at making friends or bonding, we were hugging and very intimate at the time, then all of a sudden she was all distant. After asking a thousand times, she finally spoke and made the whole story seem like I don't consider her a friend or that we don't have a deep connection. That wasn't the case at all.

 

Today I was telling her, being very careful with my words, that I wish I felt like we're closer. As in, talking more often through the day, or calling for no reason, or even suggesting something for us to do together. I can't recall the last time she did something exclusively for me, just for the sake of "I'll do this because I know he will be happy" (I didn't tell her that). I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, but it would be nice if she did something once in a while instead of never.

 

I know she loves me and I know she's like that, but how can I tell her something that's important to me, even if it's "negative", if she gets upset everytime? It just seems like very bad communication and Idk what to do, can anybody help? :/

 

There's nothing you can do. She's the type of person who bottles things up. Reading your post, I was reminded of the girl I was married to for four years 30 years ago. For four long miserable years, I walked around on eggshells. Your second paragraph, where she turns your vulnerability (I'm not good at making friends) into an attack on you (we don't have a deep connection) could have been her exactly. At the time, though, I just thought that I sucked, and finally, one day, I was so sick and tired of the silent treatment that I said, "We're done. We're divorcing," and we did.

 

I ran into that girl recently, by the way. She contacted me, said her 20-year marriage to some guy had ended, and she was nostalgic. She wanted us to try again. I said ok, but within hours of meeting her, she was pulling the same crap. That's when I realized why our marriage had failed, and I also realized she had not changed one bit in 30 years.

 

Shutting down and actually getting upset over the partner's attempt to communicate are huge relationship no-nos. I would end the relationship. Don't waste a fourth year of your life like I did.

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