Does she not know what she wants or has she played me?

[Jack1995]

Hiya,

 

Will try to keep this as brief as possible but unsure how I should feel towards a girl I was seeing for 2 1/2 months after she recently ended contact with me.

 

 

I met her (Lauren) on tinder (yeah I know) and she is 20 and I'm 22. We both live in Birmingham (UK) and go to universities around 40 miles away from each other (She is going into her 3rd year and I'm going into my 4th). There was nothing on her tinder about how she was just looking for a hookup and when we got chatting we appeared to have a lot in common and arranged a date.

 

On the first date I clicked with her like I don't feel like I had with a girl on a first date before. We got on so, so well, kissed etc. and arranged a second date. We decided to break the ice by asking deep questions from the internet and she revealed that she was most ashamed of drunkenly kissing 6 guys in one night in a club. She then made a point of telling me how much she hated the idea of one nights stands and all that sort of thing.

 

Second date we again got on amazingly well and this carried on to the 5th date as things slowly escalated between the two of us. 2 months had passed and we were texting every day, acting very ''couple-like'' in public and we had both admitted we enjoyed spending time together. We began to talk tentatively about how if things continued as they were we would be happy to continue seeing each other while we were both back at uni in October. Our universities are about 1 hour apart by train and she suggested that she was very keen on the idea. We both admitted that it was early to be planning things like this after a few dates but liked to have an idea of planning things in advance.

 

She introduced me to friends who told me while she was not around how crazy she was about me and everything continued to go well. They had told me how attracted to me she was, particularly physically which she had mentioned too.

 

Our 5th date was last Friday and she invited me to go back to hers and it escalated further (sex etc.).

 

We had a lovely chat afterwards until she suddenly began to say how much her last relationship (ended in March) hurt her. She said the period afterwards made her more independent and that she had really enjoyed being single. She then mentioned how she isn't a fan of long distance relationships because she likes to give her full attention to a guy and see them regularly. (Personally I don't regard 1 hour apart as long distance, especially compared to many other uni relationships.)

 

I decided to ask her at this point what she thought of me and her going forward given what she had just said, explicitly making the point that I wasn't expecting her to commit to any sort of future relationship (because we still had almost 2 months until we both went back to uni) but that if she believed that she liked being single and didn't want LDR then meeting up for dates would be a waste of time given how much we had both hinted that we liked each other. She was a bit quiet about the whole thing but later said that she hadn't ruled out anything with me and not to worry.

 

The next morning she was being ridiculously affectionate and telling me not to worry about anything from our conversation the night before. She told me she wouldn't hurt my feelings and that she was extremely lucky to be seeing me. On reflection it may seem like she was doing all of this because she felt bad.

 

We arranged our next date and said goodbye like nothing had happened and carried on texting etc. as before. On Sunday (2 days after the date) she sent me a message telling me how bad she felt about what she said on the Friday night regarding me and her going forward and wanted to reassure me that she ''honestly loved to spend time with me and couldn't wait for the next date''.

 

Later in the evening one of her friends who I had met previously messaged me on facebook telling me that she thought that Lauren had been really mean with what she said to me on Friday night. She had told Lauren to send the text apologizing to me.

 

Things between me and Lauren carried on as usual until Tuesday evening when she sent me a text totally out of the blue saying that she ''couldn't commit to a relationship right now'' and that we should stop seeing each other because her feelings for me would intensify and it would make it more difficult when we both had to go back to uni.'' She finished by saying that she ''still really cared about me and liked me''.

 

I tried to be as calm as possible in my response (although I was really a bit upset) and said that I just want her to be happy and if she didn't want to continue seeing me then fine. Thankyou for your company the last few weeks, you're a really lovely girl etc. I sent the message and have had no reply from her since then.

 

Since I've stopped seeing her I've been trying to stay away from seeing her on social media etc. and concentrate on myself. I did though notice on Thursday that she had been back on tinder and updated her biography and images to be a little more promiscuous and was going out clubbing looking like she was very keen to pull (I suppose that's one way of putting it). She had also used some less promiscuous photos that I had taken of her while I was on a date with her.

 

I have wondered about sending her a text in the next week or so saying that I am always happy to stay friendly with her rather than end things so abruptly as it seemed to when we both seemed so keen on each other. Obviously I am not too bothered about ''waiting'' for her to be ready for a relationship because often girls use it as a way to gently let a guy down and it seems now like she is quite happy to get back on tinder presumably looking for something casual or might find a guy at uni. I do finish uni this year and she will be working on a placement in the same city as me when she finishes so I think I might just be struggling to let go in thinking I could continue to speak to her casually while she was at uni and hope she was still single this time next year and willing to try something.

 

At the same time I feel like I'm in the totally irrational breakup phase (I know. It wasn't even a relationship but I tend to invest a lot of emotion into dating too early and start to get attached after 3 or so dates) and am feeling a mixture of sad that I'm not good enough for her and angry that she doesn't want to pursue anything with me and has used the same reason as the last 2 girls I have dated since I broke up with my ex over a year ago.

 

Although I have had the ''I'm not ready for a relationship'' reason used by 2 girls and am aware that it usually means ''I'm not into you'', I have been left feeling very confused on this occasion. She seemed to have a very real attraction for me (according to my friends and hers) and would always love to see me show her affection in public right up until she sent me the text to end things. The 2 girls who previously used the excuse turned more cold before they told me they didn't want a relationship and I could sense that it was coming compared to this time.

 

She has suddenly gone from appearing to be the most sweet, innocent girl to someone who is on tinder looking for hookups and it is really eating at me that things seemed to be going in the right direction until so suddenly. During dates and beforehand she had always said how much she despised hookups, ****boy culture etc. and now she has done a full 180.

 

 

Do you think she has rejected me based on the fact that she isn't really sure what she wants and that dating me has made her realise that she doesn't want to potentially be hurt by another relationship or have I just missed that she was looking for a hookup all along?

 

Should I feel angry and 'played' or just accept that she was perhaps in a confused state. Would it be worth me contacting her once the dust has settled or just severing contact with her?

 

Thanks for reading

[preraph]

I think she's not ready for a real relationship and maybe isn't over her last one.

[smackie9]

I think she is throwing herself back out there harder than ever to try to forget about you. IMO she really likes you but wants what's best for her...her freedom. She already told you she isn't into long distance (possible trust issues) and is enjoying being single.....she's just not ready to get into something serious. Who knows maybe you were a rebound.

 

I wouldn't contact her for now...maybe way down the road like next year she might come around again. If she does then it will be destiny that brought you two back together.

[spiderowl]

I think perhaps she sensed you were getting keen on her and was not feeling the same intensity as you at the time. She probably felt it best to pull out than mess you around. I think I would let this one go, hard though it is. If she wants you, she will come back of her own accord.

[coolheadal]

Move on, she's not really into you as you had hope. She's confused and wants to see other men. She just getting out of one relationship to hope back into another with you, forget it. Then she's not really over the other guy. When you in the middle like this your stuck in her controlling ways. Anyway she told you what she wanted and you didn't listen to her! Your in denial and we can't change her mind and neither can you.. So that it!

[rushed]

On the way to work today, I decided I wanted to get Thai food for lunch. But then I realized I had an errand to run which made me short on time, so I went to Starbucks instead. Sometimes things happen that change one's plans. Sometimes a person just changes their mind and wants something else. You'll never know what happened with her. Just move on.