What do you think of.this guy?

[candy 87]

So me and this guy have been dating for like a year now before this we were like best friends. Its all good when we meet up, it's fun and we get along for the most part, he'l constantly make fun of me in a friendly teasing way of course and takes care of me at the time. But for me there are a few issues and i've put up with it a long while, recently it's been getting too much to handle though because I knew how he was with his exes in comparison.

 

With one ex for example he wrote her love letters and was so affectionate towards her brought her gifts, celebrated her birthday and valentines day, the other ex I saw the kind of stuff he wrote to her in text messages. Like caring thoughtful messages. even I miss you, I wanna hold you, I love you etc etc. So that's one thing that's missing, any kind of emotion. Im not an overly emotional person myself but it would be nice for him to show me some expression of emotion. I guess it's weird because we started as friends and at that transition point he said he felt more for me and he likes me in the more than friends way as his feelings developed. But since that point he just doesn't express himself. I don't much either but as the man I expect it from him first.

when I bring it up he comes out with all kinds of reasons such as the previous women gave him sex and that love is physical and emotional and he does bring that up a lot. I don't believe in sex before marriage. he says he holds back because of that as if ill get all the emotions if I give.him the physical side of things.

 

The next issue is in between us meeting up he barely initiates messages, but when I do he's pretty friendly enough and replies quick enough, when I stop initiating for a while he'l be like.where have you been why didn't I message and I thnk well why didn't you.

 

The last few weeks I became moodier with.him as evrything was building up. First I said let's meet on tuesday about two weeks back he was lik I should know he doesn't meet on tuesday and to meet friday (he makes a fuss over what day we can meet too ) or the following week, I said ok but I was ill the following week ..n then the week after that which ws last week he cancelled because he has to help his friend with his wedding plans, but most of that week I knew he ws simply going out with his friends and enjoying himself. BUT he dd say he hadn't seen them in months so I thought ok fine.

I got a little angry over all that still and he just laughed at me n said why am I going so crazy but when I stopped talking to him for a while he kept messaging me trying to cheer me up and then said ok we.can go away on holiday for a few days. That's the only time in a long time he's made an effort to keep me in is life.

 

Two days ago now what happened was I showed him a picture of a couple of instagram and said they look so in love and look what he says about her. I said you should be more affectionate like.him you're just cold and empty. He then proceeded to make a comment which did it for me. He said maybe if you dressed up like the woman and actually made an effort to dress up I would be like that with you. he was half joking half being serious but that really didn't help. its like he's coming up with yet another reason why he isn't the way I want him to be.

he then said if you need help I can get you someone who can help you dress better. Also it doesn't help the fact that I know he follows about 700 woman on instagram whther they're make up artists or models, but complete randoms. Its just weird to me to follow that many woman. I usually stick to a few celebrities maybe and a few people I know.

 

anyway that was enough for me at that time I just flipped and said you know what you do what you like and I'll do what I like and he said alright good luck so I blocked.him on social media. and we havnt spoken since.

 

I just don't know what to do now did I take it.too much to heart because he is constantly kidding around with me and am I over reacting. I feel like deep down he definitely has a soft spot for me since we have been friends for a good eight years now and it ws better when we wer friends because since it.became "more" iv just not seen eye to eye with him and he doesn't give me what I want I.e the emotions and according to him I don't give.him anything sexually and that's what he wants

[preraph]

Oh, that's nice. He can't have any emotions until he is having sex. Really? Is that the guy you want? He can't feel anything much for you until he's having sex with you? This is exactly the kind of guy you might choose to remain celibate because of. He's going to throw you a treat like you're a good dog once you have sex with him. He doesn't care about you. Sex is ALL he cares about. He came right out and said it. Don't save yourself to end up with a jerk like that!

[candy 87]

Oh, that's nice. He can't have any emotions until he is having sex. Really? Is that the guy you want? He can't feel anything much for you until he's having sex with you? This is exactly the kind of guy you might choose to remain celibate because of. He's going to throw you a treat like you're a good dog once you have sex with him. He doesn't care about you. Sex is ALL he cares about. He came right out and said it. Don't save yourself to end up with a jerk like that!

I know evrytime he says that I think what the hell. he keeps.keeps saying youl get everything once we do that. an the main reason why I cut.him off was him saying if you dressed better you would also have all that.

 

some people say maybe he doesn't want to be vulnerable emotionally because of past relationships..which is true he did get hurt I think. but I dunno I guess.everyone has their own opinions

[lurker74]

It sounds like you made the right decision. And it sounds like he wasn't right for you because of the sex before marriage thing. I, for instance, care about a LOT MORE than just sex. In fact, I don't being sexual with someone I don't have reasonably strong feelings for (I used to be able to but not anymore).

 

Having said that, I would simply not date someone who was against premarital sex because, even though there are more important things, for me, sex with someone I care about is about intimacy and I wouldn't be able to achieve that (I think) without some level of physicality.

 

So I would suggest that you look for church-related men or religious based OLD where your viewpoint is a given. I've read that the second most common reason for relationships ending (after finances) is unmatched libidos. If you are restraining yours, you may need a man that will do the same.

 

Also, TBH, he sounds like a bit of a jerk on top of that.

[planb1973]

At first I could relate with your guy. Sex and being physical add a level of intimacy which I find hard to achieve without it. For me it is not an aspect of you give me sex and I will give you affection, but more of sex being an aspect of being vulnerable which leads to a closer attachment. Though you don't need sex to be affectionate it does take things up a notch.

 

But when I read the second half about his comments about how you dress I just wanted to throat punch him for being a douche bag. You can do better, he sounds like he really only has one thing on his mind, and sorry to say its not you.

[smackie9]

You need to get rid of this guy....you can't, I repeat, YOU CANNOT make him the way you want him to be. You should have shoved him off within the first few months of dating. If you want someone to be head over heels for you then you need to meet the right person.....he isn't the right person.

 

Plus you shouldn't be dating someone who has had sexual relationships. They will always expect it because having sex is important to them, so you are going to have to accept that.

[Cookiesandough]

He just wants your goodies. That's why he's scared you'll get all emotional. If you're waiting until marriage for sex then pass on this guy because he's not going to wait until marriage for sex. Following 700 models on Instagram, everything youve described is quintessential f boy behavior. Nothing out of order here.

[candy 87]

It sounds like you made the right decision. And it sounds like he wasn't right for you because of the sex before marriage thing. I, for instance, care about a LOT MORE than just sex. In fact, I don't being sexual with someone I don't have reasonably strong feelings for (I used to be able to but not anymore).

 

Having said that, I would simply not date someone who was against premarital sex because, even though there are more important things, for me, sex with someone I care about is about intimacy and I wouldn't be able to achieve that (I think) without some level of physicality.

 

So I would suggest that you look for church-related men or religious based OLD where your viewpoint is a given. I've read that the second most common reason for relationships ending (after finances) is unmatched libidos. If you are restraining yours, you may need a man that will do the same.

 

Also, TBH, he sounds like a bit of a jerk on top of that.

 

he can be a jerk I'm not gonna lie but he has his moments where he is nice aswell. I think he thinks he can convince Me to change my mind he mentions it like every other day

[candy 87]

At first I could relate with your guy. Sex and being physical add a level of intimacy which I find hard to achieve without it. For me it is not an aspect of you give me sex and I will give you affection, but more of sex being an aspect of being vulnerable which leads to a closer attachment. Though you don't need sex to be affectionate it does take things up a notch.

 

But when I read the second half about his comments about how you dress I just wanted to throat punch him for being a douche bag. You can do better, he sounds like he really only has one thing on his mind, and sorry to say its not you.

 

I just don't now if he feels tings for me but is not.gnna n expressive till I give him what he wants or he means that he will jst say sweet nothings to make me feel better whther be feels. anythng or not.

 

rght at the beginning when we were friends he's the one who came out with his feelings says he knew he had feelings because be would start to miss me everyday ..and also back then he would react more.to thjng which would annoy him which meant tht he cares I guess...now it feels lik he's more complacent towards me but it could just be because he doesn't like the fact I'm holding back

 

yeah the dress sense tHing is just rude and to compare me also to someone j don't even like is even worse. he mentions her now and again

[candy 87]

You need to get rid of this guy....you can't, I repeat, YOU CANNOT make him the way you want him to be. You should have shoved him off within the first few months of dating. If you want someone to be head over heels for you then you need to meet the right person.....he isn't the right person.

 

Plus you shouldn't be dating someone who has had sexual relationships. They will always expect it because having sex is important to them, so you are going to have to accept that.

 

At first to be honest he chased me and it was him saying he had feelings for me..and then it all went south when the no sex thing was made clear I supose and also at that time when he tbought I chose my ex over.him he didn't get over that at the time.but it was all in his head anyway and since then he stopped expressing those types of feelings towards me..he still teases me and flirts with me and all that kind of silly stuff but any kind of deep emotion I don't feel he shows that

[candy 87]

He just wants your goodies. That's why he's scared you'll get all emotional. If you're waiting until marriage for sex then pass on this guy because he's not going to wait until marriage for sex. Following 700 models on Instagram, everything youve described is quintessential f boy behavior. Nothing out of order here.

 

it just ironic becsuse at thr start he was the emotional one he started all this off. wer were just friends..and then he had to say he had feelings for me..at tht time..

 

in order to decipher whether he is just after other women I did say well u can go hav sex wwith lots of.different women if u wnt as some guys do that and he comes out with that's just boring it's better to do that with one person and to experiment and get better each time..so I was lik ..ok.. I don't know he's jst confusing

[candy 87]

It's his.birthday today I was.contemplating on whether I should say happy birthday or not but I left it. my pride got the better of me. and I know he's someome who takes stff like that seriously so I guess he can feel it today

[d0nnivain]

It's a generalization but . . .

 

Women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved.

 

You two are not intimate, by your choice I presume & that is OK. However, it does make you & him fundamentally incompatible. The fact that you have asked for certain behaviors -- more affection -- and the response was an insult to the way you dress & a demand that you change, is a clear indication that this is not the relationship for you.

 

By his behavior & somewhat his words he has already told you that he won't treat you the way you want which was the way he treated his EXs. He's telling you that he doesn't think you're worthy. It's such a mean thing to do. Why would stick around after such an insult? Have more self respect & walk away from this guy. You two aren't on the same page.

[candy 87]

It's a generalization but . . .

 

Women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved.

 

You two are not intimate, by your choice I presume & that is OK. However, it does make you & him fundamentally incompatible. The fact that you have asked for certain behaviors -- more affection -- and the response was an insult to the way you dress & a demand that you change, is a clear indication that this is not the relationship for you.

 

By his behavior & somewhat his words he has already told you that he won't treat you the way you want which was the way he treated his EXs. He's telling you that he doesn't think you're worthy. It's such a mean thing to do. Why would stick around after such an insult? Have more self respect & walk away from this guy. You two aren't on the same page.

yea you're right it is a very mean thing for him to do which is what got me to stop speaking to hm for the past week I havnt even wished him a happy birthday yet. he's said it a lot if I did this then I would get all of him but us obvious all he's talkig about is the three letter word beginning with S. I usually just brush it all off

because he's very good at being playful and funny and gettin me to forget what he's actually.saying but this time I couldn't forget

[smackie9]

he can be a jerk I'm not gonna lie but he has his moments where he is nice aswell. I think he thinks he can convince Me to change my mind he mentions it like every other day

So why have a relationship like this? It's a waste of everyone's time. You are not getting what you want, and he's definitely not getting what he wants. He's gonna quit it pretty soon ya know, once he realizes it's never gonna happen.

[basil67]

Two days ago now what happened was I showed him a picture of a couple of instagram and said they look so in love and look what he says about her. I said you should be more affectionate like.him you're just cold and empty.

 

OMG, what an appalling way for you to communicate your needs. I'm not surprised he shot back with something equally rude. When you're openly rude to someone, it's pretty standard for them to be rude in return.

 

As for where to go from here.....you say you've blocked him on social media, so this means you've dumped him. I guess all you can do is move on. You'd both be foolish to get back into a relationship where you're both refusing to meet the needs of the other.

[candy 87]

So why have a relationship like this? It's a waste of everyone's time. You are not getting what you want, and he's definitely not getting what he wants. He's gonna quit it pretty soon ya know, once he realizes it's never gonna happen.

 

I dunno to be honest, that's a good question, probably because we always had a friendship to begin with so I kind of get on with him as a friend,

[candy 87]

hes clearly distraught at my departure since I left all he's been doing is uploading tonnes of pics on instagram of him going out..and trust me he never puts up this many pics when I'm actually around.

[basil67]

hes clearly distraught at my departure since I left all he's been doing is uploading tonnes of pics on instagram of him going out..and trust me he never puts up this many pics when I'm actually around.

 

Unless you're both going to change your attitudes to meet the needs of the other, his sadness has no bearing on the situation.

[candy 87]

Unless you're both going to change your attitudes to meet the needs of the other, his sadness has no bearing on the situation.

 

I guess so. I'm just thiking whther to unblock him or not . so I missed his birthday ..maybe.another couple of days

[basil67]

I guess so. I'm just thiking whther to unblock him or not . so I missed his birthday ..maybe.another couple of days

 

I don't think it would hurt to give him a respectful breakup - something about being fundamentally incompatible.

 

Then move on without each other.

[candy 87]

OMG, what an appalling way for you to communicate your needs. I'm not surprised he shot back with something equally rude. When you're openly rude to someone, it's pretty standard for them to be rude in return.

 

As for where to go from here.....you say you've blocked him on social media, so this means you've dumped him. I guess all you can do is move on. You'd both be foolish to get back into a relationship where you're both refusing to meet the needs of the other.

 

how's it appalling? im not criticising the way he looks am I, that is appalling. he is cold n empty or at thr very least he is acting it, from all his behaviours I can deffo say something like that as it's the truth?? and for your info he has criticised my dress sense before and that is without me saying anythng at all. so just clarifying

 

wwll I dunno if ill get back into anythng..its pretty much more lik a friendship anyway If anyting I will just keep in contact but bit expect anythng anymore.

 

if I can do tht without going mad at him would b great.

[d0nnivain]

hes clearly distraught at my departure since I left all he's been doing is uploading tonnes of pics on instagram of him going out..and trust me he never puts up this many pics when I'm actually around.

 

I'm sorry but I don't see it the same way you do. You left. He's posting. That's not him telling you he's distraught. It's him telling you to go F yourself because he can have fun & get lots of girls to sleep with him, without you.

 

It's another insult not an expression of devotion.

 

I guess so. I'm just thiking whther to unblock him or not . so I missed his birthday ..maybe.another couple of days

 

Alas in six months you will be back on here crying because you gave this idiot your virginity & now you don't understand why he dumped you for the town S-word, woman of looser morals.

[basil67]

how's it appalling? im not criticising the way he looks am I, that is appalling. he is cold n empty or at thr very least he is acting it, from all his behaviours I can deffo say something like that as it's the truth?? and for your info he has criticised my dress sense before and that is without me saying anythng at all. so just clarifying

 

wwll I dunno if ill get back into anythng..its pretty much more lik a friendship anyway If anyting I will just keep in contact but bit expect anythng anymore.

 

if I can do tht without going mad at him would b great.

 

Candy, it was appalling because it was a massive rule break of effective relationship discussions. If you had showed him the photo and said "I've been feeling a bit disconnected lately - this is how I'd like us to be" it would have given a good opening for constructive conversation. Instead you denigrated him. You shut down any opportunity for problem solving because your words put him straight into the defensive. And when a person becomes defensive, they attack in return.

 

And I don't care what he said to you previously. This isn't Grade School where it's all tit for tat. If you don't like his actions, you leave. Don't lower yourself to returning them in kind. Also, I see no difference between attacking someone's personality and attacking their looks. It's all rude.

 

Yes, what you said may be true. But when a girlfriend asks for advice, are you this direct with the truth?

 

And I agree with Donnivain that his FB posts aren't showing despair. They are a message showing that he's having a great time without you. It's a very big FU.

[Cookiesandough]

Sounds like youre playing games in an attempt to get him to bend to what you want. Won't work, he will know what you are doing, and play you right back. You guys just aren't compatible.

Edited August 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough