Oliviasmith24 Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now but we have been "talking"/ hanging out for a little under two years. When we first met as friends, he wasn't entirely over his ex and when she came back into the picture he started dating her again. They didn't last long at all and then after some time passed he and I started talking again and now we're dating. Something in the back of my mind makes me worry that if she ever comes back in the picture, he'll be roped back in. However, he expresses his love for me so often and is a great boyfriend and we've made future plans together. He also was not faithful to her and showed a lack of respect for her when they dated. I'm not sure if it's my anxiety stopping me from being fully happy or what. He doesn't mention her or give me any signs that there are feelings there. It just bothers me that his ex girlfriend is always in the back of my mind. Also could be an insecurity issue on my part. Has anyone else ever felt this way/ how do you deal with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Lobouspo Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 If this guy cheated on his ex and treated her poorly, then your concerns are valid. I'm curious OP, what makes you think he hasn't already or won't in the future do the same to you? If you're honest with yourself, his past behaviour in relationships might be fueling your worry/insecurity. Does he maintain contact with this ex? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 He's only ever at his full time job or we're together or he's with his family. Occasionally, he hangs out with his two best guy friends but not very often at all. If I had any concern that he was cheating on me, I would address it right away. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 He has the capacity to cheat on you, but it wouldn't have to be with her. But if things are going well, I would just say enjoy it and don't worry or fuss about it unless you really think something is going on behind your back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 No you aren't being paranoid....that's your spidey senses you're feeling. Trust your instinct! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 I think you are being paranoid. They were together They broke up. They tried again. That didn't work. Now he's with you. Assume he's done with her & don't continue to fret about her possible return. After two tries she is probably done too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 I also have a tendency to create problems for myself in my life. I'm not sure if it stems from anxiety or what but when things are going well I tend to subconsciously rattle things up and look for problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 You probably shouldn't be in a relationship until you're healthy enough to handle one which it doesn't sound like you are from what you just posted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 He also was not faithful to her and showed a lack of respect for her when they dated. I'm not sure if it's my anxiety stopping me from being fully happy or what. Your anxiety is tugging at your coattail, asking you what makes you so different that he wouldn't do the same with you? After all, he's got experience cheating on girlfriends. At best, your relationship is a rebound relationship. He jumped in with you the minute he stopped dealing with her instead of being on his own for a while to get her out of his system. Being friends with him has nothing to do with this. This is the romantic/sexual side of the relationship, not just a platonic friendship, and he cheats on and disrespects his romantic partners. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 I also have a tendency to create problems for myself in my life. I'm not sure if it stems from anxiety or what but when things are going well I tend to subconsciously rattle things up and look for problems. You create what you most fear. So whatever you do, as long as he is acting loving and doing the man things like acting protective and helps you if you have car trouble, that type of thing, then he's invested and don't harangue him about your fears. No one likes to be blamed for something they haven't done. It can actually make them go do it or just get tired of being suspected and leave. So as long as he's acting right and you have no solid reason to think otherwise, just try to be happy and don't restrict him or make it his problem. Right now you know his routine. I think you'll know if things change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 No we actually started dating long after they broke up so he did have time to be on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 Has anyone else ever felt this way/ how do you deal with it? If I'm feeling fragmented about the unknown, I ask a direct question and observe their immediate reaction to it. That will tell me all I need to know as to whether to believe them or not. Otherwise, I don't get into relationships when I'm not confident in my judgement; but then again, I like my own company. Being alone doesn't phase me because I value peace in my mind, heart and home. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 6, 2017 Share Posted August 6, 2017 No we actually started dating long after they broke up so he did have time to be on his own. was this the first time or the second time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted August 6, 2017 Author Share Posted August 6, 2017 The second time. We both spent a long time being single before we connected and wanted to be together romantically. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 If he spent a long time being single then I doubt he's crazy about his ex like you keep thinking he is. Really if he's going to cheat or leave you for her, or someone else even, it's out of your control. He's going to do what he does and you either trust him or you don't. If you trust him be all in and if you don't then why is he your boyfriend? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 For me, the bigger concern would be the fact that he was not faithful to her and he treated her with a lack of respect. What makes you confident that he has changed and won't do the same to you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted August 7, 2017 Author Share Posted August 7, 2017 Honestly I'm not very sure. I think he wanted out of the relationship but didn't have the courage to end it. Not a good excuse obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Oliviasmith: If he wants to go back to his ex then let him. You have no control over how he feels towards her, or you. You can't keep him in a relationship he doesn't want to be. So if one day, he decides to break up with you - it is what it is. He'll be gone and you'll be JUST FINE. Life will go on, you will meet someone else and you will forget about him. No, it never happened to me that I worried my man would leave because if he does it won't kill me. It's not like I need my bf to breath in oxygen. You don't either. You are more than capable of standing on your own if this does not work. Anxiety is all about worrying about tomorrow. By worrying you are not enjoying TODAY. So stop those little voices in your head, enjoy today. What ever happens tomorrow you will face it *tomorrow* not today. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Oliviasmith24 Posted August 7, 2017 Author Share Posted August 7, 2017 Thank you! It really helps to hear that. He does make me very happy and we're the best of friends too so I know I would be devastated but I also know that I would come out stronger than before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Coup La-La Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 Nothing can destroy a relationship like jealousy. If you say you love this man and don't have any evidence of him cheating or having feelings for his ex, perhaps it's best to remind yourself of what you know not what you suspect. Dwelling on this will drive you insane and maybe the people around you also. Link to post Share on other sites
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