Dealing with the most critical BF

[StubbornLove]

I have been dating this guy for about a year now. We started seeing each other towards the tail end of his divorce. He is a super jealous guy, doesn't like me having friends especially my harmless gay guy friends. He wants all my time and attention. He doesn't like me being involved in social functions or the non profit groups I am a member of either. He doesn't even like me talking to my family members ( and I have a wonderful close family, yes, I have an overbearing mother at times but she means well and has a heart of gold so does my father).

 

He expects me to go to work and come straight home when I get off. If I steer off the beaten path to home, he gives me the cold shoulder and the eventually fusses. We live together, well, he lives with me. I pay ALL my bills myself every month, with no help from him, but he fusses if I happen to leave too many lights on or take too long of a shower. I never get time to myself. If I go shopping, he has to go with me and then rushes me the whole time. The only time I get to myself is at work or if I go to the grocery store, that's it. He constantly nags, critiques, criticizes me about every thing!!! I can never ever do anything right in his eyes, I am always in the wrong, everything is always my fault. He always gets so mad over little petty things that don't even matter & finds a way to start an argument over literally nothing. For example tonight, he wanted to go eat sushi, I suggested that we maybe go tomorrow night since it will be the weekend and could make a fun dinner and drinks night.

 

Well, he didn't like that idea and started a massive argument about it. Said terrible things to me and how he loved me but I could never do anything right and I never do anything for him. On the other hand, had I said it has been a long day at work, and didn't feel like going out to eat, that would have been a problem to him and he would have created an argument over it too. I feel like I can never say NO because he finds a way to make things negative and start a fight. I cook for him every night, ( I truly enjoy cooking- it's fun and my outlet of escape). I must brag a little and say I am a good cook and he does enjoy my cooking.

 

I am a wonderful, loving girlfriend and do love him to death but it does weigh on me the control he has over me and the constant criticism I get from him on a daily basis. We fight all the time because he has a problem with literally everything I do. When I try to talk to him openly and sincerely, he finds a way to be negative and make what I am trying to tell him or explain negative too. We can never seem to work through things because he won't take into consideration how I feel. It's hard to constantly be kicked down on a daily basis. I do try to be cautious of everything I do or say because he will instantly snap and explode over he slightest thing.

 

I do try to fix the little things that bother him so but damn, it's hard to do anything when something is always a problem. I am at my breaking point, I don't know what to do. I do love him but his constant criticism is wearing on me. I have isolated myself from all my friends, family, have to put my phone on silent mode when I get home because he gets angry if I am on my phone. He always twists everything to make it my fault. The good thing is, I have not lost sight of myself and have held myself up high. his constant criticism is taking a toll on me. Everything is about him, but he likes to twist it and act like everything is about me if I tell him NO. He doesn't ever take my feelings into consideration at all.

 

I tell him how I feel but it goes in one ear & out of the other or he turns it into a massive fight. I am not a combative person, I don't like drama. I am very easy to get along with. I just don't know what to do and how to make the situation better with him. I know he loves me but won't accept me the way I am and embrace my innocent flaws. I do want this to work but don't know what to do. I have tried to talk him into going to counseling but he doesn't think he needs it, he says, I have the problem and the one who needs help.

 

He does have a lot of anxiety which turns to anger, I had him get on anxiety meds but he took himself off of it because he said, it was not mixing with his blood pressure meds. Oh, I forgot to mention that he says I am the cause of his high blood pressure but he is currently overweight. I tried to get him on a "healthy diet" to help with his high blood pressure but that became an ordeal and he snapped because he said I offended him, by implying he was fat when in fact, I was just being a sweet and concerned girlfriend that I am. I am a health conscious person and watch my potions so I can be healthy.

 

I am so lost and don't know what to do. I have tried everything to be the loving, caring an genuine person that I am but he can't seem to accept me for me and embrace me for my imperfections, instead he continues to criticize and pick me apart more and more every day.

Edited July 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and merge duplicate threads

[5x5]

If you're not enjoying your relationship with him, do yourself a favour and dump him right now.

[Downtown]

Stubborn, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, neediness, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for two years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

I have tried to talk him into going to counseling but he doesn't think he needs it.

If he is a high functioning BPDer (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum), it is extremely unlikely he would be aware of needing professional help. By their very nature, BPD thought distortions are invisible to the people suffering from them. Those distorted perceptions seem perfectly normal to them because that is the way they've been thinking since early childhood.

 

He is a super jealous guy.

If he is a BPDer, he has a great fear of abandonment. Indeed, "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" is one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD. This abandonment fear is most often manifested as irrational jealousy, i.e., jealousy over minor incidents that really pose no abandonment threat whatsoever.

 

I can never ever do anything right in his eyes, I am always in the wrong, everything is always my fault.

These extreme claims are examples of what is called "black-white thinking." It usually is evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." It also is evident in your BF's rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you).

 

Like young children, BPDers exhibit B-W thinking because they are too immature to be able to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships. Hence, like a young child, a BPDer will categorize everyone close to him as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And he can recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action.

 

I just don't know what to do and how to make the situation better with him.

I suggest you familiarize yourself with the BPD warning signs so you can judge, for yourself, whether you are seeing a strong pattern of BPD symptoms. Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Although BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a breast cancer or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., remaining in a toxic relationship with him or running into the arms of another man just like him.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Stubborn.

[Purepony]

Okay I'm sorry but I don't need a million words to say this !!!

 

 

 

Leave that loser now !!! Run far from this [guy] !!!

 

Let him go find someone who can do everything right in his eyes... ok sure someone who does right will want a good for nothing lazy co dependent scumbag

 

One answer ! You don't need help just leave this loser and your whole life will improve!

Edited July 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and language

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry about your situation, friend. Yes, all of us are imperfect and flawed beings; but, given what you shared about your BF, I’m sorry, but I’m a little concerned about this. Controlling and over critical behavior are huge emotional red flags, in my opinion. The very fact that your BF wants you to distance your relationship with your family is alarming. I’d suggest that you take an honest look at your relationship, and ask yourself if it is helping you grow or crippling you? Please seek feedback from family and friends as well about him, and be strong enough to take a decision for your own good. Be wise, okay? ((Hugs))

[Hoosfoos]

It's not you. It's him. He is the problem. Unfortunately, people don't change. Things are likely to get worse with him.

[bene]

Reading this post was exhausting and makes my stomach turn. I can't imagine what you get out of this relationship if you are constantly walking on eggshells. It doesn't matter how good and loyal you are, if there is always something to pick on then it's not about any particular thing you're doing wrong but rather having control.

 

It won't get better, I can tell you. All the signs like isolating you from your friends and family point to abuse.

 

Please get out of this toxic relationship while you're self esteem and health is still intact. It will more difficult the longer you stay.

[healing light]

This man is emotionally abusive. You are still in this situation because you don't have a healthy sense of boundaries. Abusers look for conflict avoidant personalities. It will only get worse and more exhausting as time goes on.

 

Your sanity, freedom, and self-esteem are worth more than not rocking the boat. No one deserves to walk on eggshells.

 

Break up with him and consider seeking therapy for why you have tolerated this.

[mikeylo]

It's clear as day : this guy is abusive

[act00]

He's an abuser. It won't get better. I married someone like this, though he wasn't nearly as controlling and demanding, but I spent a considerable amount of time walking on eggshells because I never knew what would set him off. Sure, there are things we can change in ourselves to accommodate a partner, but as you have found, there's always something else. Nothing will work...ever.

 

Get out now. I know you love him, but his few moments of love and being happy do not outweigh the trash the rest of the time. You get a sense of peace when you're at the grocery store - that should tell you something right there.

 

It's time to let this one go. This will be tough, because he will change briefly when you break up and tell him to move out. It won't be long before he reverts, they always do, so stick to your guns.

[BaileyB]

You are in an abusive relationship. Leave.

[kendahke]

I have been dating this guy for about a year now. We started seeing each other towards the tail end of his divorce. He is a super jealous guy, doesn't like me having friends especially my harmless gay guy friends. He wants all my time and attention. He doesn't like me being involved in social functions or the non profit groups I am a member of either. He doesn't even like me talking to my family members

 

I didn't read past this.

 

You are dating--you are not married--and that means you do not have to put up with this.

 

You can end this, which you should.

[TheWoman]

End it - its not going any place you want to be. He is divorced for a very good reason.

[Redhead14]

I have tried everything to be the loving, caring an genuine person -- Find yourself a guy who is all those things for you.

 

You are not in love with this guy, you are in love with who you wish he and the relationship would be.

[CloudyHead]

You need to end the relationship. Nothing you do or say will improve how he treats you. You are changing yourself for someone else and no amount of change on your part will make him treat you differently. If anything, you are throwing gas on a fire.

 

Life is short. Be happy. From your post he brings no happiness or joy to your life. You need to go full no contact and heal and move forward with your life - without him.

[Calmandfocused]

Welcome to the fun and games that is Narcissistic Personality Disorder!

 

There is much more to come. Be prepared. He will make your life an absolute misery. Trust me, I know. I stupidly married one and he still won't let me go.

 

He will never accept any wrongdoing in your relationship nor will he accept any responsibility for his actions. Everything will be your fault, you will be to blame for everything that is wrong with him.

 

You won't get him into any kind of therapy. He doesn't believe there is anything wrong with him. In his eyes he is one special guy.

 

There is no way that you will make him "see" what he is doing to you. He's a user, a manipulator and will never change.

 

You are his narcissistic fuel.

 

Put the fire out and leave this freeloading SOB. Show him who he really is: someone that isn't worth your time or patience.

 

Don't marry him .... ever

[Calmandfocused]

Ps. Read Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that"

[preraph]

You are too easily happy with someone. This control freak is not a good match for anybody. Do you really want to live your life being derided for having a different idea or suggestion than him? Wake up, here. There's a million guys in the world. Just because he's nice once in a while is not enough. He has zero respect for you and your opinions. Are you going to marry this guy and him be the role model for your son showing it's okay to be totally disrespectful of women and controlling -- and are you going to model for your daughter than taking random criticism and always letting a guy have his way is normal for her?

 

Make a decision here. If you can love THIS guy, you can love a LOT of guys and there's much better ones out there.

[MountainGirl111]

YIKES, OP. You must feel like you are practically smothered by now. It will likely get worse, not better. You don't need him or what he dishes out on a (daily?) basis. You have the means to support yourself. You are not married, thus not legally bound. You don't have children together. Get out now while you can do so without too many ties that bind. Beware of "gas-lighting". He will present things in such a way that it is YOU that has the problem and sometimes people actually start to believe it. No. Be your own woman. That is what years of emotional/mental abuse does to a person. They actually grow to believe they are everything the abuser puts them down for. Don't buy into it. Time to sell that stock back to him.

[usa1ah]

Run away. Leave now. Why are you with someone like this. Run very fast.

[Arieswoman]

SL,

Redhead nails it in post #14

 

"I have tried everything to be the loving, caring an genuine person" -- Find yourself a guy who is all those things for you.

 

You are not in love with this guy, you are in love with who you wish he and the relationship would be.

 

I married (first time) someone with low-level narcissistic tendencies - it was exhausting. Don't make the mistake I did.

 

My exH married his AP many years afters I divorced him. She has had one suicide attempt that I know of and has been hospitalised at least once (for several months) for apparently, severe depression.

 

Yet she posts all over Fakebook what a wonderful marriage she has

 

She is so far in denial she must be nearly at Khartoum by now.....

Edited July 15, 2017 by Arieswoman

[act00]

Ps. Read Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that"

 

I also highly recommend this book! "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men."