What does this woman want? Try again or not?

[salparadise]

Two months ago I connected with a woman on a dating site and we agreed to meet. It was perhaps the best first date ever. Meeting for a glass of wine turned into a five hour date. I kissed her as I walked her to the car. She was very enthusiastic afterward. We went on two more dates the next weekend and they were great as well. We ended up at her house both nights making out. She said she didn't want to have sex too soon and I respected that and didn't push it, although it felt like she might have wanted me to and was on the verge.

 

I was the first guy she dated from the site. She had been out of her previous relationship for a few months, as had I. I always wonder when they've just put up a new profile if they need to date several people, and realize how hard it is to find a good match with chemistry, before they'll be ready to choose.

 

Well, on sunday she called and we talked awhile and then, the dreaded "I have something I need to say." She called it off. I felt it was a pretext, not the actual reason. She said that when we talked about sex she realized that we just weren't at the same place. The topic was dominance/submissiveness. I felt it was something else because that conversation was on the second date, not the third. Also, it just felt too thin an excuse. If that actually was her issue she must've misunderstood and thought I was talking about something extreme. Now, she's no prude –– I could tell by how sensuous she was when we made out.

 

After that phone call I never contacted her again. She's still on the site and she browsed my profile a couple of times over the past two months. Well, yesterday she checked me out again. She knows that I can see when she does.

 

So the questions is, why is she doing this... what does she want? Is it nothing at all, is she having regrets and wanting me to contact her again... or would she just like to feel the power of being able to get me to engage and then reject me again?

 

I'm not up for the latter, but if she sincerely wanted to give it another try I would be. Logically you'd say that ball is in her court, but that's may not be how she sees it. She may be too prideful, or too demure, and needs me to take the risk, or she could just be looking for an ego stroke. I don't need the headache/heartache of a mercurial woman, esp. after the way my previous relationship ended... but man did we have the chemistry right off the bat. I could probably meet a hundred more women and not find that.

 

Women especially, what do you think? I suspect the women are going to say go for it and the men will say, nope. Interesting dilemma. If I'm going to go for it I don't want to let any more grass grow under my feet.

[Michelle ma Belle]

As a woman, if I'm actively viewing your profile even after we parted ways knowing full well you can see me checking you out it's because I'm hoping you'll reach out and connect again.

 

It's a passive way of letting you know I'm still interested but unsure of how to approach things given how it ended the last time.

 

If it's something you'd entertain, then go for it. What do you have to lose?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I can only speak for myself as a woman who has been on and off OLD sites for about 7 years. When I decide to give it another whirl, I get message from men I've been on dates with the last time I was doing it, and it really annoys me. I have not changed my mind. Usually it's like, "hey, let's grab a drink and catch up." I never want to, though, because it's a waste of my time.

 

I never view their profiles first, though, so this may be a little bit different than your situation. Just wanted to throw it out there.

[Gaeta]

Yes, I have done it myself. I know the man will see I have browsed his profile and hoping he'll say hello.

 

Between doing nothing and giving it a try you could at least say hello and see what she has to say.

 

I know the one time I got back in touch with a man I had terminated things with I was sincere. I was filled with *what if* and wondering if he was too.

 

Him and I ended up dating for 3 months after that. It ended on a good note we were just not compatible but still had lots of respect for each other and after that we moved on with no *what ifs*.

[Eternal Sunshine]

She is probably second guessing herself.

 

I have rejected men in the past after a short time (few dates) based on a gut feeling that we wouldn't be a match long term. It's usually something they said and an image they presented. Even though I was attracted to them, something intangible felt a bit off. Then I wondered if I was being too picky or if I am just making excuses out of some fear of getting hurt. It wasn't enough for me to initiate contact though.

 

I many cases, they ended up contacting me again and I gave it another chance. I have to say though that 100% of the time my initial instinct was correct.

 

I don't see much harm in trying again but women are more intuitive than men and often they just "know" what is not going to work for them.

[SevenCity]

Interesting to see how women use such indirect methods to get a second chance (if that is the case here). Most guys would ignore and look at it as her checking up on you to see if you've made any profile updates. What's the success rate with this type of approach? I read one poster used this for the first move before she would say anything.

 

What site is this? On some the list of pictures is so small you have to click to see the person. Ive looked at the same profile 10 times with no interest once open because I couldn't recognize the small pic.

 

As was said you have nothing to lose if you reach out but if she wants to get back it likely means she just hasn't found anything better.

 

Considering your last RL, I would be weary of girls who broke up with you. If they do it once, they can do it again.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Interesting to see how women use such indirect methods to get a second chance (if that is the case here). Most guys would ignore and look at it as her checking up on you to see if you've made any profile updates. What's the success rate with this type of approach? I read one poster used this for the first move before she would say anything.

 

What site is this? On some the list of pictures is so small you have to click to see the person. Ive looked at the same profile 10 times with no interest once open because I couldn't recognize the small pic.

 

As was said you have nothing to lose if you reach out but if she wants to get back it likely means she just hasn't found anything better.

 

Considering your last RL, I would be weary of girls who broke up with you. If they do it once, they can do it again.

 

Does this have to be a bad thing? Who is to say he wasn't the better option to begin with?

 

In the OP's own words;

 

"I was the first guy she dated from the site. She had been out of her previous relationship for a few months, as had I. I always wonder when they've just put up a new profile if they need to date several people, and realize how hard it is to find a good match with chemistry, before they'll be ready to choose."

 

I've encountered this dozens of times myself online with men who just signed up. Like kids in a candy shop, they are so eager to get started and often cast a very wide net running wild through cyberspace.

 

I totally get it which is why I don't get too excited about newbies contacting me.

 

You just have to let them go and see what's out there. Sometimes they're gone forever and sometimes they come back with a better understanding.

[hippychick3]

In her shoes, I might be second guessing myself after some bad dates/experiences since our last encounter and wondering if I should have stayed with you. But, even if you were to reach out and we were to go out again, the outcome would be the same. If I ended it with someone, I had a good reason and that reason would not have gone away.

[Midnight.Amber]

 

Well, on sunday she called and we talked awhile and then, the dreaded "I have something I need to say." She called it off. I felt it was a pretext, not the actual reason. She said that when we talked about sex she realized that we just weren't at the same place. The topic was dominance/submissiveness. I felt it was something else because that conversation was on the second date, not the third. Also, it just felt too thin an excuse. If that actually was her issue she must've misunderstood and thought I was talking about something extreme. Now, she's no prude –– I could tell by how sensuous she was when we made out.

 

 

Bolded -- I’m surprised no one has mentioned or discussed this (other than the OP).

 

salparadise, just so we’re clear, what are we talking about here, a sub/dom type of relationship, at least sexually?

 

And she ended it with you shortly after this convo even though initially she seemed into it? And the sensuality she exhibited during your “make out” session indicated she leaned towards this as well?

 

If so, my guess is the reality of this freaked her a bit. It may be a fantasy, but now she has encountered a man with whom this could become a reality, and it scared her a bit.

 

If this sounds right to you, then reach out to her. You may have to ease her into the lifestyle gradually, making sure she’s comfortable with it. Make her feel “safe,” if you will.

 

Nothing extreme, like you said, but I agree with you, she may have misunderstand and took your mention of it as meaning something more extreme than what you intended.

Edited June 29, 2017 by Midnight.Amber

[coolheadal]

Two months ago I connected with a woman on a dating site and we agreed to meet. It was perhaps the best first date ever. Meeting for a glass of wine turned into a five hour date. I kissed her as I walked her to the car. She was very enthusiastic afterward. We went on two more dates the next weekend and they were great as well. We ended up at her house both nights making out. She said she didn't want to have sex too soon and I respected that and didn't push it, although it felt like she might have wanted me to and was on the verge.

 

I was the first guy she dated from the site. She had been out of her previous relationship for a few months, as had I. I always wonder when they've just put up a new profile if they need to date several people, and realize how hard it is to find a good match with chemistry, before they'll be ready to choose.

 

Well, on sunday she called and we talked awhile and then, the dreaded "I have something I need to say." She called it off. I felt it was a pretext, not the actual reason. She said that when we talked about sex she realized that we just weren't at the same place. The topic was dominance/submissiveness. I felt it was something else because that conversation was on the second date, not the third. Also, it just felt too thin an excuse. If that actually was her issue she must've misunderstood and thought I was talking about something extreme. Now, she's no prude –– I could tell by how sensuous she was when we made out.

 

After that phone call I never contacted her again. She's still on the site and she browsed my profile a couple of times over the past two months. Well, yesterday she checked me out again. She knows that I can see when she does.

 

So the questions is, why is she doing this... what does she want? Is it nothing at all, is she having regrets and wanting me to contact her again... or would she just like to feel the power of being able to get me to engage and then reject me again?

 

I'm not up for the latter, but if she sincerely wanted to give it another try I would be. Logically you'd say that ball is in her court, but that's may not be how she sees it. She may be too prideful, or too demure, and needs me to take the risk, or she could just be looking for an ego stroke. I don't need the headache/heartache of a mercurial woman, esp. after the way my previous relationship ended... but man did we have the chemistry right off the bat. I could probably meet a hundred more women and not find that.

 

Women especially, what do you think? I suspect the women are going to say go for it and the men will say, nope. Interesting dilemma. If I'm going to go for it I don't want to let any more grass grow under my feet.

 

If your the first guy she been with on this dating site then you have a chance to get serious with her. But if you push the sex so much she might put you to one side as she's doing. She has the upper hand here, she can pick anyone to be with . You have to prove yourself that your the best choice. She'll keep looking at your profile each day until she figures out what to do with you. Might be nothing at this point. But she made her choice so you should move on and stop hanging on her skirt like your doing.. Shows sign of weakness on your part. No one here is like her so you have to deal with this on your own. Talking to a woman like this not going to help. Sounds like shes damaged in some sort of way this is the end result.

[SevenCity]

Does this have to be a bad thing? Who is to say he wasn't the better option to begin with?

 

In the OP's own words;

 

"I was the first guy she dated from the site. She had been out of her previous relationship for a few months, as had I. I always wonder when they've just put up a new profile if they need to date several people, and realize how hard it is to find a good match with chemistry, before they'll be ready to choose."

 

I've encountered this dozens of times myself online with men who just signed up. Like kids in a candy shop, they are so eager to get started and often cast a very wide net running wild through cyberspace.

 

I totally get it which is why I don't get too excited about newbies contacting me.

 

You just have to let them go and see what's out there. Sometimes they're gone forever and sometimes they come back with a better understanding.

 

Because you don't want to be someone's second, third, or fourth choice. And if they felt they could do better once, they'll likely feel it again.

[elaine567]

It seems to me sex is very important to Sal, as is this dom/sub dynamic.

This woman made it crystal clear she was not on the same page and that was why she called it off, so I am not sure why her "excuse" is deemed thin.

 

I see no point in pursuing this further. I guess she is an older woman, so if she wanted to say she made a mistake then I guess she would just have said it by now.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I see it differently.

 

Thinking back to my very early days of OLD, had a man brought up sex at all, never mind sub/dom dynamic, I too might have bailed thinking I was in over my head despite any fond feelings I might have had for the guy. That's all changed for me now of course.

 

Going back to SevenCity's response to my post, although I normally do not fancy being anyone's second or third choice, I think context is very important.

 

Between being fresh out of relationship, new to OLD and the discussion about sub/dom dynamics so early on with the first guy she went out with from OLD, she may have panicked and felt a need to step back.

 

Totally understandable, no?

 

During this time she's had time to think, likely chatted with other men, maybe went on a few dates too and realized she may have panicked unnecessarily and would welcome a second chance with Sal.

 

I don't envy newbies to OLD. Those were some of the most challenging times for me if only to figure out what it really was that I wanted.

 

Context. It can be a game changer.

[Ieris]

@salparadise ~ Did you view her profile back? If not, then do it now and give her something to think about. If she feels she has made a mistake then leave her to reach out...

[salparadise]

Bolded -- I’m surprised no one has mentioned or discussed this (other than the OP).

 

salparadise, just so we’re clear, what are we talking about here, a sub/dom type of relationship, at least sexually?

 

No, not that type of relationship... just a nuanced dynamic that's a natural and probably exists in most relationship (in the bedroom). Another way of saying it would be top/bottom. This isn't even close to the term as used to describe an alternate lifestyle.

 

And she ended it with you shortly after this convo even though initially she seemed into it? And the sensuality she exhibited during your “make out” session indicated she leaned towards this as well?

 

The conversation happened on our second date, a Friday. We had a third date the next night, on Saturday. We didn't discuss it further on Saturday. The makeup session did have the subtle dynamic I'm talking about –– me being the initiator/aggressor so to speak, her being more passive and going with it. She never put up any resistance at all. I limited it to above the waist out of respect for her saying she didn't want to have sex too soon. However, given that she actively participated and never resisted, I wondered if she might have been fine with it if I had persisted. The sensuality I spoke about was the way she used her tongue in kissing and with my fingers... I kept thinking, wow, she will be fantastic lover.

 

If so, my guess is the reality of this freaked her a bit. It may be a fantasy, but now she has encountered a man with whom this could become a reality, and it scared her a bit.

 

I think she was thinking something more extreme, as in BSDM. Now I have experimented with that a bit, and I certainly could take the dominance/submissive roles further... but it's not what I said. In fact, I didn't go into any detail at all, just said that I enjoy being more dominant. I think it was a case of me saying one thing and her hearing another. I'm not a vanilla bean by any means, but also not a BDSM dom type.

 

If this sounds right to you, then reach out to her. You may have to ease her into the lifestyle gradually, making sure she’s comfortable with it. Make her feel “safe,” if you will.

 

I'm hoping that she might be thinking what I'm thinking... that the instant chemistry we had is pretty rare. If I do get the chance I certainly will take it slow given her reservations. But I still don't know if this was a pretext or if it was the real reason.

 

Nothing extreme, like you said, but I agree with you, she may have misunderstand and took your mention of it as meaning something more extreme than what you intended.

 

If what she said is the actual reason, then that is certainly the case. I'd say it's likely that I've been more adventurous than her, but I don't even know that much. What I said was either misunderstood or it wasn't the real reason. It could very well be that she just didn't want to settle for the first guy she happened to meet.

[SevenCity]

No, not that type of relationship... just a nuanced dynamic that's a natural and probably exists in most relationship (in the bedroom). Another way of saying it would be top/bottom. This isn't even close to the term as used to describe an alternate lifestyle.

 

 

 

The conversation happened on our second date, a Friday. We had a third date the next night, on Saturday. We didn't discuss it further on Saturday. The makeup session did have the subtle dynamic I'm talking about –– me being the initiator/aggressor so to speak, her being more passive and going with it. She never put up any resistance at all. I limited it to above the waist out of respect for her saying she didn't want to have sex too soon. However, given that she actively participated and never resisted, I wondered if she might have been fine with it if I had persisted. The sensuality I spoke about was the way she used her tongue in kissing and with my fingers... I kept thinking, wow, she will be fantastic lover.

 

 

 

I think she was thinking something more extreme, as in BSDM. Now I have experimented with that a bit, and I certainly could take the dominance/submissive roles further... but it's not what I said. In fact, I didn't go into any detail at all, just said that I enjoy being more dominant. I think it was a case of me saying one thing and her hearing another. I'm not a vanilla bean by any means, but also not a BDSM dom type.

 

 

 

I'm hoping that she might be thinking what I'm thinking... that the instant chemistry we had is pretty rare. If I do get the chance I certainly will take it slow given her reservations. But I still don't know if this was a pretext or if it was the real reason.

 

 

 

If what she said is the actual reason, then that is certainly the case. I'd say it's likely that I've been more adventurous than her, but I don't even know that much. What I said was either misunderstood or it wasn't the real reason. It could very well be that she just didn't want to settle for the first guy she happened to meet.

 

It's never a good idea to talk to a woman about sex before sex. Too many things can go wrong. Some women may have been freaked out by the dominant line. I'm the same as you (though perhaps like to be a bit rougher with my partners).

 

The thing is I never even allude to this until I see how they are in bed. You know pretty quickly what's on the menu once you have sex.

 

One girl I dated (dating?) likes it very rough (asked me to smack her in the face). Another one I dated was pretty vanilla so I didn't get rough with her.

 

There's a time and a place for everything. Even if she brings it up act coy and change the subject until you've actually had sex.