torn and heartbroken

[simplesimon666]

30 years ago I was dating an incredible beautiful girl. I was 19 she was 17. We dated for five years. There was such an incredible connection. I was totally in love, as was she. For the first couple of years everything was amazing but then her best friend came out of a relationship and started wanting to go out with my girlfriend and meet other guys. My girlfriend was a loyal friend and always went out for nights out with her even though her friend tried several times to fix her up with other guys. This and me being thrown out of my house by my mum led to me becoming really insecure which led to arguments and eventually we broke up. We were young and silly.

 

We both ended up getting married to other people but in 2011 she got divorced. My wife had died a year earlier from cancer.

 

We met again three years ago in 2014, me 46 and her 44. We totally fell in love again. The chemistry between us is amazing.

 

I had two sons from my marriage who are in their twenties now and living elsewhere. My girlfriend, the love of my life waited until she was 40 to have her first child, who is now 7.

 

At this stage I need to explain that my girlfriend suffers from terrible anxieties, worries and depression. Everything is half glass empty. She overly focuses on negatives, always puts problems to solutions. However she is the sweetest, kindest person I've ever met.

 

Since meeting her she's told me she got pregnant the year after we broke up with a lad who hated me back then. I remember I couldn't go into town because she'd told him of all our arguments and told him I was trying to control her so him and all his mates would try and pick a fight with me every time they saw me.

 

Roll forward to now. Her ex husband is an absolute nutter who is constantly phoning her, threatening her, controlling her and basically stalking her by proxy of her daughter. He'd bought the daughter a jumper but when the daughter went to spend the weekend with her dad he called my girlfriend and went nuts about not sending her over with the jumper he'd bought her. He pays no child support and my girlfriend is terrified of him. He's obviously still in love with her and can't stand her being in a new relationship.

 

My girlfriends chronic worries stops her from parenting her child in a way which deals with the child's bad behaviour. The child slaps her mum, spits in her face, throws things at her, swears at her. My girlfriend sets no boundaries, no set bedtime, no meal times, she doesn't cook. She doesn't punish her daughter, more she gives her what she wants because my girlfriend is total conflict avoidance all the time. The child shouts and screams until she gets what she wants.

 

I've tried my level best over three years to help her with her child but I get no thanks and quite the opposite, I get told I'm too harsh with her daughter and it leads to tension and arguments, all about how badly behaved her daughter is. She won't deal with the child's behaviour but won't let me deal with her either. I brought my sons up to be respectful. My girlfriends child is a spoilt horrible brat and its got to the point I can't bear being around her. My girlfriend has full custody so theres never any set contact with the child's father when me and my girlfriend can have some space. My girlfriend has no parents or any family members to help out.

 

She has told me she's scared of her daughters behaviour, she says her daughter acts like her ex husband towards her and she seems him in her. When I'm there at the same time as the daughter I don't get a look in. Any time I speak the child just shouts over me to get the mothers attention.

 

She wraps the child in cotton wool, serves on her like a servant (at 7 my kids were getting themselves dressed!), and molly cuddles the child constantly.

 

My girlfriend blames everyone else for the mess her life is in. I never get any thanks or appreciation for taking her daughter to school, helping cook a meal, taking us on holiday (which I pay 100% for). Because of her anxieties she'll never organise a babysitter so it can be months before we can go out for just one evening. There was a three month period where we hadn't gone out but she was asked out by a female friend. My girlfriend asked if I would babysit. It led to an argument as I told her we hadn't gone out for months yet as soon as she gets asked out she expects me to babysit.

 

My girlfriend will sometimes organise to meet me at lunchtime outside her work just so we can chat for an hour. I'll drive half an hour to her work but she'll have got chatting to a work colleague and completely forget I'm in the outside carpark, with sandwiches made and drinks bought, to have lunch in the car with her.

 

I've tried to convince her into therapy but she won't do it.

 

I have to cope mentally with knowing my girlfriend (the love of my life) finished our relationship all those years ago, promptly got pregnant and aborted her first child whilst making me out to be some kind of prat, then she's waited until she was 40 to have a child by her husband who she's told me she hated for years. It's a total mind mess and its sending me to the point of having a breakdown. Why was i never good enough to be the man she chose to have children with, to have a life with?

 

Why would she have a child to her husband if she hated him?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

[preraph]

She's not smart about things. Her daughter learned that behavior inside the household. She and the daughter need to be in family counseling. Honestly this is only going to be miserable for you unless they get in family counseling. I don't think it will work but if she wouldn't take her daughter and them both get counseling at a psychologist, I would tell her it's over. And she needs parenting classes as well, as does the father.

 

You could try reporting the situation to Child Protective Services and see if they have an interest in it. They could mandate classes and therapy I believe.

[Ami1uwant]

Sorry to hear about this but you need to sit down and talk to her about her daughter and her behavior.

 

You need to put your foot down with this.

 

I have been in a similar situation with my ex. She had a daughter. She didnt want me to be involved with her even though she really didnt have a father in her life.

 

Her daughter wasnt blatantly rude to me, but she had a stone wall with me. I know it wasnt me. While I didnt have kids, many friends have had children and I had no problem interacting with them.

 

I told her that I thought she had some sort of mental health problem that really needs to be looked at. She wasnt violent, but she had potential. What I told her, my gut feeling in what is was ended up being correct. She had an attachment disorder along with anxiety.

 

After a couple years I finally got the wall with her to cruble and started to develop a real relationship with her but iI strongly feel when this happened was a very big factor in our relationship ending.

 

It was a combination of that and my ex having a midlife crisis.

[healing light]

First, yes, you are good enough. I'm sorry that this has happened to you and you feel on the verge of losing the love of your life. I know the past must feel personal because other men got to experience the life you wanted to create with her instead, but trust me, it has very little to do with your worthiness.

 

It sounds like this woman has major boundary issues. First in the form of her ex husband and now mirrored in her child. Because she avoids conflict, she tries to get the easiest person to deal with to accommodate her and the situation rather than stand up to others (in this case, you being on the back burner). This will be a life long problem for her until she learns to change this pattern.

 

I would sit her down and have a serious talk. Let her know how this situation makes you feel, how you have wanted to help her but cannot continue to do so at your own expense because this is a skill she needs to develop in therapy for the well-being of everyone in the family unit. I would let her know that as much as you love her, it is not healthy for either one of you if these dynamics continue and unless she seeks professional help you will have no choice but to leave.

 

Additionally, her child will only continue to get worse if this isn't addressed now. And what will she do as she grows? Continue to put up with physical and psychological assault? You have the option to attempt to put healthy boundaries in place with her by requesting she seek therapy. Otherwise, I think you will be better served by closing the door.

 

Good luck with this.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this relationship is not going to last, OP.

 

Your girlfriend makes poor choices and appears to take advantage of you. It sounds like you're doing an awful lot of giving, but what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Does she live with you? (Sorry if I missed that somewhere in your post)

 

She and her child desperately need family and individual counseling. The behavioral problems are only going to get worse as she grows up. If your girlfriend continues to stick her head in the sand and be an irresponsible parent (because she is, if she ignores and minimizes her daughter's behaviour which is ultimately a grave disservice to the child) then you might find you need to walk away from this.

 

There are some big incompatibilities here that have nothing to do with your worthiness.

[Rouik]

Don't look at it as though you are not good enough, you sound like you are doing all you can. People make bad decisions in their life and we cant always look to see if it was because of us or some how our fault. I do think the best thing for them both would be some kind of family counseling, the child is just acting the way she has been taught. her father seems to have shown her that how to talk to her mother and with her mom being overly passive that's all the child knows. Your girlfriend needs to walk through her past with a professional that will help her move past it all. Good luck and keep your head up you are doing a very noble thing by sticking with her and loving her regardless of the hard times.

[BaileyB]

I have no idea why she got pregnant with a man she hated.

 

And, I have no idea how you can say this woman is the love of your life. It sounds like she is not very much fun to live with and I'm not really sure why you are drawn to her the way that you are... Lots of issues here and too much drama, if you ask me.